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Original poster

Bereavement, coping with it and talking about it

145 replies

WideWebWitch · 10/09/2002 10:39

As discussed on the other thread I thought I'd start this for anyone who wants to talk about how they feel.

My Dad died on 18 May 2001. I've never been bereaved before and it was and is hard. We were close. Most days I'm ok but when it hits me, it really hits me and is sometimes completely out of the blue. Something will start me off like hearing a song he used to sing or realising that I have some of the same mannerisms. Or feeling sad that he's not here to share a significant event (my sisters' wedding, ds's first day at school).

People say that bereavement is like a roller coaster (cliche I know, but hey, sometimes we need them) and for me that's true. I don't think you ever completely recover, you just learn to live with it. I'm going to stop now since I was fine today but am choking up writing: it's never far from the surface is it? Not looking for sympathy here though, just realising that I don't want a down day as we have friends staying atm. Cam and Batters, your situatons sound sad too. You can't preview in create conversation so apologies in advance if this is littered with errors.

OP posts:
Bobbins · 12/09/2002 23:33

Thanks jasper! I don't want to make anybody sad. I think it was the most joyous time of my life having that little pickle in my life, and we wanted the 'going away ceremony' to reflect that. Whilst all this crap is going on its very good to remember how good it all was. Its odd but some of our friends went away from Harvey's ceremony saying it was a brilliant day. This all sounds very hippy, but it felt so right, after feeling like this dreadfully unnatural thing had happened to us, and feeling like we had been so powerless. I said before that some of my friends decorated Harvey's 'ecopod' for us, the main woman is an artist who has twins, and they even helped decorate it, and they came to terms with it by calling it an "angel transporter". One of my friends samg "summertime" (iI objected to one verse that mentioned mummy being good looking, and daddy being rich! HUH) We had tibetan prayer flags over his grave and my friend brought a guitar. God i'd forgotten how wonderful it all was. Thank god for the good mates that rallied arond. All this was so important at the time, and a feat of mutual organisation. Unfortunately we felt like we knew what to do when my mum died, and her ceremony was just as special.

Aggi is our dog by the way, Ali is the real name, but ro Harvey she was aggi.

nuff said now. Its only cos you've all made me feel welcome that you'e getting all this. thanks for making me feel comfortable enough.

Clarinet60 · 12/09/2002 23:34

Yes, thank you Bobbins. With love, Droile.

Bobbins · 12/09/2002 23:35

Damn. I wish I had the patience to do preview message!

threeangels · 13/09/2002 00:08

Bobbins- What a beautiful touching letter.

Bobbins · 13/09/2002 00:11

Partner is also out down the pub, so I've probably indulged in one too many beers myself, how sad am I? This has reminded me though, that I must phone those friends that helped a LOT more often. I'm withdrawing into myself a little too much, and romanticising a little. Turning into a net nerd!

sml · 13/09/2002 00:32

There are so many sad stories on this thread. I don't think anyone could totally get over losing a child, nor would one want to. I too have shed a few tears at your letter Bobbins. It does bring your family to life so clearly.

Bobbins · 13/09/2002 01:21

I probably havr revealed perhaps too many things about our lives together, but it has been very helpful. I'm sure it would seem quite strange to many that a bereaved mother is posting on this site, its almost like I am torturing you all. I really don't mean to. I could probably find a more appropriate site to talk about all this, but it felt right. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm here vying for sympathy . I'm not. its just that I have looked at this site many times and been thoroughly impressed by the genuine responses people have offered to difficult situations, and it is good to feel like you have access to ther views intelligent worthy people when you want. I hope to be able to post on here in the future without dwelling constantly on these grief and relationship problems. I think its important to remember that most people recognise pain and suffering (as this thread shows sharply) in some way or another, and joy. I don't want to become consumed by just one aspect of my experience.

"I have been with many people whose grief was beyond bearing. And in some ways it has been the best thing that has ever happened to them. For they come to plumb the depths of their being. When we experience grief, we are not just experiencing the death of our son or daughter, our husband or wife, our parent or loved one. w e are dropped into the very pit of despair and longing. We are touching the very reservoir of loss itself. We experience the long held fear and doubt and grief that has always been there. It is not an experience we would choose, though the confrontation with this area of deep holding seems to be an initiation often encountered along the fierce journey towards freedom."

Stephen Levine, quoted in raft, The Journal of the Buddhist Hospice Trust.

hmmmmm

threeangels · 13/09/2002 01:41

Its ok Bobbins, I feel that talking about a tragedy and expressing your feelings can always do good then bad.

Azzie · 13/09/2002 05:56

Bobbins, whatever has happened you are still a mum, and always will be. You will always be welcome here. Thank you for sharing your feelings and your story with us. Harvey's going away ceremony sounds as if it was lovely and exactly what it should be - a celebration of a very special life.

Mooma · 13/09/2002 06:50

Thank you Bobbins, for your honesty and courage. Also love to Triplets & AnnieMo (I found the idea of the circles very helpful). Mooma x

CAM · 13/09/2002 08:20

Bobbins
I found that quote very interesting. I think that grief is the price we pay for love.

lilly72 · 13/09/2002 09:23

Bobbins....Please understand that you are keeping Harveys memory alive by talking about him..Your letter to him made me cry and I admire your ability to be so painfully honest and your ability to share your grief. Sharing your grief will help I am sure. It is such a difficult subject to talk about, and speaking for myself, I live in fear of my daughter dieing. It is unthinkable that little Harvey saw so many experts and still remained undiagnosed, however, you kept going when I am sure others may have not for fear of being neurotic.

My love, thoughts and support go out to you and I agree that you should use Mumsnet as an additional support. Give you and your partner more time and do what you have to do to ease the pain of your situation. Little Harvey sounds like he had a fab 10 months with a fantastic set of parents..remember that and keep talking. xxxxxx

sobernow · 13/09/2002 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2 · 13/09/2002 12:07

Bobbins - keep posting as long as you want. You will always be a mum. Nothing will ever change that.
Am waiting for my friend to call back with details of the group I mentioned.

Mopsy · 13/09/2002 12:10

Bobbins

Have just caught up with this and wanted to say I am so sorry that you lost little Harvey. The letter you wrote to him is absolutely beautiful and had me in tears too; sending you hugs and much love, Mopsy xxx

PamT · 13/09/2002 13:08

Bobbins, I've only just read this thread and I'm crying as I type now because of your beautiful letter. Harvey's story is so tragic as are the stories of all the other children who have been mentioned on this thread. The wonderful thing about Mumsnet is that you don't have to speak face-to-face with someone else and for all those who speak back to you there are probably dozens more who read and just don't know what to say.

I do hope that your husband learns to deal with his grief in a way that doesn't cut you out of his life so much. Do you think that a course of anti-depressants might help him to sort his life and his thoughts out a bit? You seem to be so strong and it must be so difficult having to deal with your husband's problems as well as your own.

You don't need to worry about posting on here, you will always be Harvey's mum, even if he is not physically here anymore. You had those few wonderful months with him and he looked like a real bundle of fun too. They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. This must be really hard to deal with right now but eventually you will treasure the time that you did have with Harvey more than grieving for the time that you didn't have. I wish that every mumsnet member could just take a little bit of your pain away to lighten the load a little. I'm rambling now because I just don't know what else to say other than being so sorry for your loss. Pam xxx

Batters · 13/09/2002 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

berries · 13/09/2002 14:15

WWW, thanks for your kind words, it helps to know that someone else doesn't think 4 months is a long time. I know it will get better and am trying to concentrate on the love he brought into my life. I know from other threads that a lot of people were not lucky enough to have a dad like him.

Bobbins, I was so moved by your letter to Harvey. Please do not feel you are making people too sad. We all feel for you, but it does help to talk about it and we will always be here to listen. You are obviously a strong person, as shown by your lovely words to me. Thinking of you
Berries

Marina · 13/09/2002 19:13

Bobbins, as others have said, you will always be Harvey's mum and your posts about him have been so full of love, it's a privilege to share them - and this whole thread. By sharing the great sadness of bereavement and talking openly about their feelings, all of the contributors on here have really helped me to start come to terms with my feelings about losing Thomas. And anyone faced with helping a friend or family member through a bereavement will find so much helpful, honest assistance here. This thread has made me cry a lot, but it has also made me feel less alone, so I think it should be treasured, not apologised for.

Rhubarb · 13/09/2002 22:22

It really cuts me up when I hear of a baby or child dying, which is why I haven't been on this thread. I don't feel that I have anything to say of any comfort at all. I am just so lucky to have my dd, I haven't been through half of what any of you have been through. Berries, Marina and Bobbins, your courage is astounding. I am so sorry for you all. It makes me feel so grateful for every minute that dd is alive. I wish I could say something that would mean everything to you all, but I can't. I just wanted you to know that by sharing your experiences with us, you have made a huge difference to me, I feel very humbled and priviledged at the same time. I hope your children's spirits will remain with you always.

Will always be thinking of you all. xxx

Willow2 · 13/09/2002 22:39

Bobbins - and anyone else reading this who has suffered the loss of a child - the organisation I was on about is called SANDS and this is their website

Willow2 · 13/09/2002 22:40

Sorry, pressed the wrong button and posted that before I could say that I hope you find it as helpful as my friend does.

mears · 14/09/2002 00:01

Bobbins - have you returned to work? If so you might find that there is an employee counselling service. If you have a Human Resource department you should have someone there who can refer you. At my work you can access a free counselling service. The GP practice also can provide a service. I hope you can find someone to talk to soon. Keep posting.

Bobbins · 14/09/2002 17:22

Thanks again everyone for your support and encouragement. So many hof you have also loved and lost...lots of love.

mears> regarding work. i work for the BBC and have had an amazing amount of support. The heads of our Human Resoursces came to visit me at home soon after both these lovely beings died. I was snowed under by flowers from colleagues (and friends). Work has been a life line, I think that is partly why weekends are so difficult. No routine, and everything becomes so unpredictable, whereas when Harvey was around I looked forwards to it as a time to make the most of him. They also have a telephone counselling service. I took three weeks off after Harvey died, and two weeks after my Mum died.

Sometimes work has been a burden, and I've not been able to face it. It is in some ways difficult, because they have been so good to me I've felt a real sense of guilt if I haven't made it in. But then when I have forced myself to go in on those days, I've ended up feeling tonnes better after an hour or so.

Copper · 14/09/2002 17:25

Bobbins
can I say how lovely it is to see you on other threads too? How does dp cope during the week?