Bereavement, coping with it and talking about it

[WideWebWitch]

As discussed on the other thread I thought I'd start this for anyone who wants to talk about how they feel.

My Dad died on 18 May 2001. I've never been bereaved before and it was and is hard. We were close. Most days I'm ok but when it hits me, it really hits me and is sometimes completely out of the blue. Something will start me off like hearing a song he used to sing or realising that I have some of the same mannerisms. Or feeling sad that he's not here to share a significant event (my sisters' wedding, ds's first day at school).

People say that bereavement is like a roller coaster (cliche I know, but hey, sometimes we need them) and for me that's true. I don't think you ever completely recover, you just learn to live with it. I'm going to stop now since I was fine today but am choking up writing: it's never far from the surface is it? Not looking for sympathy here though, just realising that I don't want a down day as we have friends staying atm. Cam and Batters, your situatons sound sad too. You can't preview in create conversation so apologies in advance if this is littered with errors.

Perhaps we should start a new thread about pneumococcal meningitis? What do you reckon?

Marina,
I've just been reading Thomas' story. Bless you. My cousin had to go through this too, she has tried to console me through what has been happening to us. I think everyone's situations are different, and even if they are very very similar everyone reacts in different ways don't they. I think after any loss though you have to have more of an understanding of loss in general, even if you feel you cannot console or are yourself inconsolable. GOOD LUCK

Bobbins, I am sorry beyond words for the loss of your precious little boy. Yes, you are still his mum and you should carry on posting. It is harder when a little time has passed and people begin to talk about it less. That's when you need even more support. Your partner is behaving abominably, but I'm begining to wonder if that isn't just men all over. Take care Bobbins. Lots of love.

Bobbins - I am so so sorry, really sorry but I can't be more constructive. My ds had it too but I was one of the 'lucky ' ones.

Bobbins
Can I just extend a big cyberhug to you; I hope that you feel better having let it all out to us, and thank you for telling us your story. You're very brave. Harvey, as you said looks like a real cracker....
Just a suggestion, but perhaps Relate would be a good place to start, as if you got more support from dp, you'd be able to go on and seek more councelling for the bereavement? I've always found that having a supportive partner is half the battle, but I can see he's dealing with it in a very "male" way.
Good luck whatever you do.

Bobbins, I just can't find the right words. He's such a smashing little lad. I truly, truly hope that things will get better for you. Your boy was very lucky to have you for his mummy.

Message withdrawn

Dear Bobbins- your Harvey was such a beautiful, charming looking baby. I'm so desperately sorry that you've had such a terrible time. I too hope against hope that you will find happiness in the future, though I know that you will always love and yearn for your beloved baby and your mum. I can't imagine how you are coping with such a terrible tragedy and admire you so much for posting.

I admire everyone else here for posting too. It's a hard topic and everyone has been so open and brave. My mum died when I was 17. I miss her. I wish she could have seen her grandsons.

Well I have almost posted many times, but when I had Harvey I was so bound up in being a new Mum that I just came here to do searches on certain subjects, I found it invaluable and often entertaining. I have done since Harvey has gone also, I wish I'd posted when he was still here. I used to be an avid community board poster especially on music board websites (different life). Since Harvey's death I have felt like a strange voyeur looking at this site (I hope you don't think I am). When I saw this thread, I just felt I had to post, and now I feel like I've completely railroaded it. Its nice to make myself known eventually though.

Things are incredibly bad between my partner and I at the moment, and I feel like I NEED him, which is awful. He is being incredibly odd, says I've changed since I got pregnant, and I want him to change too...ERRR...YES...I blimmin well do. Before I became pregnant we had a very (over)active social life, and now he's gone it seems he sees no reason why we should BOTH not go back to it. I'm stumped, if anything is going to change a person its what has happened to us in the last two years (I got pregnant this time two years ago.) I think he wants out of the relationship to be honest, i think he's prepared to sell the house and separate, perjhaps he just can't copewith my sadness. This really hurts, because he's my closest connection to Harvey. Anyway I need to evolve from this, i think he wants to regress.

Looking back over this thread ...my spelling has been atrocious!

Bed time I believe...He's in Harvey's room after aggro tonight. I wish we could just comfort eachother, its really crap.

Bobbins - I just wanted to say, like everyone else, how wonderful your little boy looked and what a tragedy his death was. Thankyou so much for being brave enough to post his (and your own) story here. Like sobernow, I feel proud to be part of a group of people like this. Maybe your story will help someone else to recognise this awful illness in another child, I know that won't help you - but it could save a life.
The only big loss I have suffered was my Grandpa, who died when I was 16. I miss him to this day. I know he would have loved my dh, and doted on the children so much. My parents divorced when I was 12 and so Gran and Grandpa were the one stable thing in my life. I am so lucky to still have my Gran, who will be 80 soon.

Bobbins- the situation with your partner sounds so very difficult. It's my experience that the very people we look to for the most comfort- those who shared our deep deep love for the person who has died- sometimes have none to give in their own terrible grief. And grief can be felt and expressed in such different ways by different people. I can only imagine how that must be exacerbated when it is your child who has died. You and your partner must be going through utter hell. I hope so much that things will feel a bit better for you both in time and that you can grieve together.

Dear Bobbins - I am constantly amazed by the strength of the people who contribute to this site - and you are no exception. Harvey was a beautiful, cheeky little thing by the look of things - I don't know how I'd cope if I was in your shoes, but I believe you are doing the right thing by posting, and don't worry about taking up threads - they are here for everyone to use as much as they want or need to.

You touched on counselling earlier on - a close friend of mine lost her son a few months after his birth. Like you, she went through phases of wanting to talk about him constantly and not wanting to talk at all. She also found it very difficult to talk to "friends" who had never really known her son or been part of his fight for survival. She and her husband sought solace in a support group for bereaved parents. They were both very wary of going - they were worried it was going to make things worse - but they found it the most incredible help to be able to laugh and cry with people who were able to emphasise completely with what they had gone through - and to be able to help the rest of the group in return. On top of that, each family is given a "sponsor" - someone who has lost a child in the past who is there for them whenever they want to talk, even if it's 2am in the morning.

Her husband made the point that he found it the most incredible release as well. There was he, a strapping rugby player, but inside he was crumbling. Yet all too often friends and colleagues would enquire how his wife was but not even think to ask how he was coping. The group allowed him contact with other dads who he could open up to, cry in front of, whatever. He didn't have to worry about letting his guard down and putting people in a situation that they wouldn't know how to deal with because they were all in the same boat. I think this is vital for men who are so used to bottling up their feelings, which I suspect may be what your dh is doing.

I know that they are still in touch with many of the people they met there - and I think I'm right in saying that she is thinking of training to become a "sponsor" herself. Anyway, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry if I've rambled on, but if you would like I will get a contact number for the organisation for you.

Bobbins, I've only just read your message and the links and I'm so sorry too about your ds and your mum. It must be very difficult dealing with your own grief and dp's behaviour. I know that when my dad had just died I absolutely couldn't cope if my dp couldn't cope: I really needed him to be strong for me and it was very tough on him. But he wasn't grieving and so he could be supportive. Your situation is so different as your dp is grieving too and is dealing with it in his own (not very helpful to you and self destructive) way. Is there someone else who is close who could be a support to you?

I agree that maybe Relate could be an idea and Willow2's group sounds like it could be helpful too. I know what you mean about people thinking you must be over it or nearly over it when you're not. I suppose I expect people to realise that I am still grieving but they don't, and can't really, unless they have been bereaved themselves. I know I haven't been in the same situation as you but I think I know the feeling of people forgetting what you've been through and are still experiencing.

I also wanted to say that I'm sure no-one minds at all if you've been reading previously and not posting OR that you've posted and needed to talk now. That's what mumsnet in general and this thread in particular are for. I understand about it being all very well to go to a counselling appointment only to get there and not feel like talking. I also agree with whoever said that here you can post whenever you do feel like 'talking'. And you are a mum, so welcome and good luck with finding the best way to deal with these painful emotions.

Azzie, that wedding day must have been very hard. Have only had one 'anniversary' so far and it wasn't pleasant, I just wanted the day to be over. Your way sounds good for the future. SueDonim, you're right: it makes no difference how old someone is, they're still gone and the permanent silence is deafening.

Bobbins, I just don't know what to say - only that I am thinking of you and realising that all my moans and groans about everyday stuff is so trivial when I read about the awful things others have to cope with.
You are very brave and Harvey looks like a lovely little baby - what a lucky boy to have you!
Hang in there darling and above all keep talking.

Bobbins
I'm so sorry about Harvey. You must really miss your mum to talk about him with someone who knew him intimately, especially if your partner can't.
do you think your partner is trying to just turn the clock back to pre-pregnancy days because it has all got too much to bear for him? People have different thresholds. Maybe he is just denying all his feelings and going back to a safe time when he didn't get hurt?

It never fails to amaze the strength of those who post on this site, at the moment the 2 ladies who have been deeply bereaved with the loss of a child. The strength also of those of you who take time and listen, and reply. I am soooo proud to be associated with this site.

Bobbin, love to you and your partner.

Dear Bobbins
Your little boy Harvey was stunningly beautiful wasn't he. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby and also of your mother. Please post here whenever and as much as you like. You must let it all out. I have read your links and noticed that you and your partner knew something was very wrong. I had a situation with my dd1 when she was a teenager where she became very ill with extreme temperature, drowsy, couldn't eat,etc and the doctor tried to fob me off. Like you, I knew that something big was wrong and was very insistent. I believe to this day that tests were done just to shut me up. Anyway enough about me, I just want you to know that mumsnet has helped many of us to express our pain and hurt at the great injustices of life. Wishing you strength at this time.

Bobbins,

your post made cry, dd is 15 month and every time she's slighlty unwell and we don't know what it is I always dread something tettible.
Losing a child must be the most awful thing that could ever happen to anyone (closely followed by losing one parent, I lost my own father when I was 18, more than 10 years ago).

There's nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better, but I remember when my father died, any little note made feel better, with my mum and sister we kept reading the condolensces (I hope I spelt it right) messages and cards for months, and it was so comforting to read know that people loved him and had thought of him (even if they had nothing to say) and us.

You sound very brave but I'm afraid your husband sounds very selfish. It's true that averyone deals with a death in a different way, but you have to think about people around you as well (especially a partner who shared the same tragedy), and that's the way to overcome your grief. It sounds like he needs counselling more than you do, or at least a friend who can make him understand that he's risking his marriage too.

Sorry if I'm being very frank here (hope you don't find it rude), but when I heard taht he was out all weekend getting pissed leaving you on your own, I found it unbelievable.

I don't know what it feels like losing a child, but I know as time went I have felt better about my father's death. It's surreal because now I hardly think of him (I know it sounds awful) maybe because when I do it invariably makes me sad, and sometimes I feel guilty about it). But it's been a long time and our lives have changed so much, sometimes it feels like he never existed and I just sort of invented him.....he's missed so much of our lives and we are so different now, I think he would be shocked if he saw us now.

For years I kept dreaming that one day he was comig home as if nothing had happened and I afraid he would not like our lives as they were (he was a very strict father and I must admit that his death gave me a lot more freedom of going out, and spend time with my boyfriend -my dh now- whom he didn't like), as I was doing things he would not normally allow me to. In reality there was never any reproach in his eyes (in my dreams), but I used to feel guilty in a way)

Gradually these dreams have stopped and I think less and less of him, is it so dreadful?
I'm not a religious person so I don't believe he's somewhere watching me, I'd be happy to have him here, I'm sure he'd have loved his graddaughter to bits, but he's not, there's nothing I can do about it, and the only way I have to deal with it is try not to think about it.

Bobbins I'm sorry I started this message for you, and I ended up talking about me. I sincerely hope things will get better for you and your husband, you've had enough tragedies, you don't need anymore.

Lots of love

bobbins, just like to say thank you for sharing your sad story with us and that Harvey looked like a lovely little boy. With love E x

Just to echo all the thoughts that have gone before this one. I haven't been through anything like you have and am sitting here crying at your story and hugging my own little son. Of course you can still validly post on this site - especially if it helps you - that is the most important thing at the moment.

nics1stbaby, just wanted to add a note of support for you and your husband. Thinking of you, and your mil, love Mooma X

nics1stbaby, can I offer my support too as my brother's cancer was mesothelioma. He was diagnosed at the age of 37 and had chemo,etc. He survived for 3 and a half years after diagnosis which is a long time for that type of cancer. Is your MIL having chemo? I had never been through that type of thing before, either.