Bereavement, coping with it and talking about it

[WideWebWitch]

As discussed on the other thread I thought I'd start this for anyone who wants to talk about how they feel.

My Dad died on 18 May 2001. I've never been bereaved before and it was and is hard. We were close. Most days I'm ok but when it hits me, it really hits me and is sometimes completely out of the blue. Something will start me off like hearing a song he used to sing or realising that I have some of the same mannerisms. Or feeling sad that he's not here to share a significant event (my sisters' wedding, ds's first day at school).

People say that bereavement is like a roller coaster (cliche I know, but hey, sometimes we need them) and for me that's true. I don't think you ever completely recover, you just learn to live with it. I'm going to stop now since I was fine today but am choking up writing: it's never far from the surface is it? Not looking for sympathy here though, just realising that I don't want a down day as we have friends staying atm. Cam and Batters, your situatons sound sad too. You can't preview in create conversation so apologies in advance if this is littered with errors.

bobbins, I have just read your message abour harvey and your mother. There is so much I want to say yet no words seem enough.

I lost my mother when my youngest son was a few months old. She was diagnosed with a brain tumour just after his birth. I felt I was living in anoter world for the months leading up to her death and afterwards. My husband, though supportive, wanted me back - the me I had always been. He was so worried I was going to go over the edge, I think. His way of coping was to chivvy me along while also doing the 2am staying out thing. I felt cossetted and neglected by turns. BUT the mad socialising did end. Things did calm down. I think I know a little of what you feel with your husband, and I hope time heals - a cliche I know. I have to go now but will finish what I wanted to say to you soon.
take care of yourself - I feel privileged to read your messages.

Back again. I've had a really down day. It was good to come home from work and see all these new messages, but sorry if our story has upset anyone too much.

I feel like I can't cope with this loneliness, I'm usually quite strong person, 9sometimes perhaps a bit too hard, I'm not sure) but this dreadful situation between my partner and I is the proverbial straw that is breaking the camels back. he says that he is never going to change and that he is just going to make me even more miserable. RAAAH! I don't know if he realises that this further angst is the last thing on earth I need right now. I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I've never said he shouldn't go out, all I'm asking is to know when he is going to be absent and if he is going to be it would be good to know when he will be home and if we could at least have some time together at the weekend. the two weekends before last I have made sure I have had girls nights out, been boating, went away to a workmates wedding. it feels like he just doesn't want to spend time with me except during the week. I find the weekends hardest to cope with, because that it is when i would usually have been spending the majority of my time with Harvey(and often my mum) I have tried going out with him, if you can't beat em join em, but I can't handle the excessiveness of it all and on a couple of occasions i've become embarrassingly drunk and tearful.

He seems resigned to the fact that we are going to go our own miserable ways. erk. I really don't think this is the time for any more dramatic changes in my life. It is catch 22 because I really feel like I need him but he's not helping me. he says he's hurting to, but he just seems able to numb it all out and enjoy himself at the weekend. it is hard to understand because I always thought he was very sensitve. he cries at films cares for animals and all that sort of stuff, but he just seems to be being very heartless toward me ( and perhaps himself too). Its just so frustrating because I love him very much. I just can't stand his constant excessive partying.

For those that have asked I have got a good support network around me, some great female friends, and my dad and brother have been great.

chiara71,

I know evactly what you mean about imagining them still being there.

my brother wrote this about my mum in a mail to my dad and I

"I think about Mum all the time. Above all others she is the one I
would want to talk to (I'm sure it's the same for both of you). I quite
regularly get the impulse to pick up the phone and call her - double take -
she ain't there no more. This is hard to get used to."

Bobbin, my grandmother, lost her daughter when she had just given birth in 1970 and my dad in September of 1994, she said it was the hardest thing she has ever had to deal with even when my grandfather died in 1981. She said that the loss is unbelieveable, as if someone had hit her hard in the stomach. I lost my dad, but my husband lost his mother and father within a year and said that the death of his mother hit him far more profoundly than his father.

The loss of a child, I think that women deal with it differently, we lost our child at 16 weeks, and my husband became very withdrawn and distanced himself from me for a long time and only became himself again when I was pregnant with our eldest, but, still talks about the child that would have been. Has he shown any emotion in your presence at all?, does he have a close friend you could ask to try and speak to him? male or female. I ask this because we have a close friend who is a female and DH is more likely to open up to her if he is upset (around the anniversary of parents death) than he is to me.

I do hope that things improve for you both, and my typing, I've nearly re-written this about 10 times due to the fingers doing a waltz across the keyboard!!

Take care.

Bobbins - I'm so sorry you're having a bad days - my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.

I just wanted to add another note of support to Bobbins and nice1stbaby; I really don't know what to say other than I would really like to pray for continued strength for you both and your families. Thank you for sharing your story, Bobbin, what a beautiful baby boy.

bobbins, you're really being put through the mill, aren't you? it sounds like your partner is trying to blot it all out, even if he is hurting too.

My dh sometimes found it hard to be around me when I was grieving, even when I was no longer at the tears every 10 minutes stage. Simply seeing me alone reminded him of the crisis, even if I was OK and on good form. I think he just felt too weighed down with it. So he used to initiate lots of social things - inviting friends over, trying to get me to go to parties etc, and went out a lot himself to bring fresh air into the situation.

I agree with you, now is not the time to force another huge change in your life by splitting up with him. And you say you love him still. Can you bear to give him a very loose rein for a while longer, then see if he's calming down and letting you in more? If this does not happen, there might well come a time when you feel right about leaving him and strong enough to do so.

Dear Bobbins,
Losing your child is the very worst thing that can ever happen to you, there is nothing that can prepare you for the pain, shock and emptiness, that at times seems to go on for ever. It is something that you feel you will never survive, dont want to survive. It turns your whole world upside down, inside out, never ever to be the same again, I know. In June 1994 my only child Matthew collapsed and died in my garden, he was 14, no medical explaination was ever found. It was instant, like turning off a light switch. We had tried for years to have a second child, it never happened, but we were lucky, we had Matthew. Those first days, weeks, months were just raw pain, looking back you cannot believe that you survived it. Days and nights of tears, wanting to be with him, the emptiness was unbearable. Two years later I was persuaded by my doctor to go for tests,to find out why I had never conceived again, what was the point I thought, I was 44, too old, too late. But I did, it was something to do, and if I got to 50 and hadnt tried I would have regretted it. So the tests showed that I was going through an early menopause, and I embarked on IVF, the first two treatments failed, I did`nt produce any eggs at all, the whole process was awful, I am terrified of needles, and the stress of it is terrible. But after the pain of losing Matthew I knew that nothing ever could be as bad. So I went to London, one more attempt, and was told that I needed a donor, and that at 45 I would have to find my own. I did, and in 1998 I gave birth to Rebecca, Thomas and James. A miracle. They have given me a life again, made me want to still be here, made me feel loved and needed, they are so special. Last week they started school, and although the last four years has been very stressful, tiring, I miss them. I stood and looked out at the empty garden, their playhouse all locked up, no bikes and toys out, and I felt a sense of bereavement again. It reminded me of how quiet the house was between Matthews death and their birth. I know I am so very lucky to have them, I love them so very much, but I miss my Matthew, he would be 23 now, all grown up, life would be perfect if he was still here. Its a very strange feeling when we go to the cemetery, I look at them playing, and never fail to think that they are here because he is not. And it hurts.
Bobbins, sorry to have gone on, its been a long time since I have been able to talk like this, as each year goes on you feel that everybody has forgotten him, his name is never mentioned outside of the house. I shall love and miss him to the day I die.
May you find peace in your heart xxxxxx

Message withdrawn

Triplets, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am so happy you have been blessed with your 3 precious ones. Matthew will always hold a special place in your heart because he was your firstborn. I am a mother of 3 with my 13 year old boy being my firstborn and can only imagine how you felt when you loss Matthew and how you still feel. My mind occasionally wanders at times on how my life would be if I lost a child. I cant even stand to think of ever being in such a sad situation.

I am so sorry for your sadness and pain you have experienced in your life and I wish you all the happiness that you so deserve. God Bless your family.

triplets,

Thank you so much for your message. I know I will never get over it either. Every day that is any way significant will be painful. As I said on another thread this time last year we were on our first day of our holiday on a greek Island. i remember finding out about the horrific events in New York, and feeling so lucky that I had my healthy happy baby, and loving partner.

It is just so painful not having Harvey around. I was so busy with him. I really want another child, and I had hoped it would be Harvey's full brother or sister, with my partner as the dad again, we were doing a good job, and I think we were good parents together. Perhaps I'm being previous, but pessimisticly I can't help thinking how could I possibly do that all over again. I know I'm not old,but I remember feeling that thirty was a such a good age to have settled down and started a family, it WAS quite a smug feeling, i wish i could feel that today. Your post gives me plenty of hope.

Here's to the memory of Matthew!
tigger; I don't know he opens up to at the weekend, he seems to be able to empathise with other situations outside his own. He has cried and he did go through a stage of talking to Harvey's photo every night (not so much to me)
tigermoth: I have been giving him a loose rein for a long time now i think. unfortunately its sleeping in separate rooms now and he just doesn't seem to want to make any sort of effort. Things just feel like they have turned so sour, and he has said he doesn't want to have children with me. That really hurts

Bobbins, Please forgive me for not giving my condolences on the loss of your precious little Harvey. He was so small and it must have been so hard to say good-buy at such a young age. Please take care of yourself.

bobbins, it sounds like you feel no progress can be made with your partner. You need so much more support than this. Yet, I can see how you do not want to add more upheaval to your life by striking out on your own. I suppose you have already thought about this, but could you move in with your father - back to your old home - for a while, at least? would it help you find equilibrium?

I, too, was away on holiday around the time of the september 11 bombing and I remember thinking how lucky I was to have my children and husband around me. Again I want to say I am so very sorry you lost harvey.

Take care

Bobbins, so sad to hear of what you have been going through. I cannot imagine anything could be as bad as losing a child.

I lost my dad very suddenly in April this year. He was only 60. I still find myself trying to hold back tears when some little thing brings it all back. I don't feel I can talk about this to anyone. Most people seem to think you should 'get over it' after a few months and don't want to talk anymore. It hurts when my youngest cries for the grandad who isn't here anymore and wants to know why. What can I say, I guess I want to know why as well. He was the only person who I felt was truly proud of me, the way I had grown up and was bringing my children up (I don't have a very good relationship with my mother).. I feel guilty for feeling so sad when there are so many people who have gone through much worse things. I should be counting my blessings, but I miss him so much and never had chance to tell him I loved him.

Bobbins - reading your postings brings back such feelings of rawness and helplessness that I experienced when my 5 year old son died nearly four years ago. At times it is so overwhelming that you really cannot see a way out. I remember an illustration we were once given (this is hard to describe without pictures so I hope it helps) It was of two concentric circles - a large one with a small one in the middle. At first you are the small one with the death of your child being the large one - all comsuming and totally encircling your life. Eventually you are the larger circle with your child's death becoming the centre circle - still a central part of your life - but just that - a part of your life, absorbed into it but not totally overwhelming. I am still not sure exactly how you get to that point, but I feel it is gradually happening - there isn't a day when I don't think about my son, and everything I am, I do and all the relationships I have have changed because of his death, but (another horrible cliche) 'life goes on' simply because it has to, you have no choice. And there are times when you have a real drive to make that life good - almost because of his death - because you couldn't bear it to be all in vain.

Like Triplets we have gone on to have another son, who is now 16 months - He and our 12 year old son are the meaning of our lives now - we keep going because of them.

Bobbins - talking and sharing helps so much - we have met so many parents who have been through similar experiences and at times you feel that they are the only ones who really understand -which indeed I suppose they are as everyone thinks that the death of their child would be the worst thing that could ever happen to them -but until it happens you can only imagine what the pain feels like - it is nothing like really feeling the pain - and that is not to belittle the feeling of grief that others feel for the loss of loved ones, or the sympathy others give. I often bring my son into conversations and people often change the subject or just stop talking as they really don't know how to handle it.

I'm sorry if this has gone on - like you say Triplets you rarely have the chance to let your feelings out - and once they start it is hard to stop them!

Berries, I'm sorry about your Dad. I know what you mean about losing the only person who truly approved of you: I felt the same about my dad. You can only be honest with your children about your grief and about not knowing why these awful things happen I think. My ds has seen me cry and knows why and I think it would be strange for us and them if we didn't cry. What someone said about tears containing a substance that helps and soothes is true I believe. It's very early days for you but I promise you it does get better.

Oh Anniemo, we were typing at the same time I think. I'm so sorry about your son too.

Tigermoth; I did move in with my dad for a while a month ago, it didn't feel right really. I've got my own home in which I feel comfortable and secure. I couldn't see why I should uproot myself when I haven't actually done anything wrong. I did suggest that we should take it in weekly turns to live in the house, or that he should move out for a while, but he is against this and says he would have nowhere to go. He seems perfectly capable of finding somewhere to stay at weekends though!

berries; its so sad not getting to say goodbye properly. At least with my mother we had a few weeks of preparing ourselves for the worst. Also, she had been critically ill five years previously, so for at least that time I was very appreciative of her continued presence, and I was so chuffed that she was able to spend that time with Harvey. I remember when she was ill the first time I was determined that she couldn't go then because she hadn't seen me have a family of my own. Sadly she also had to see me lose Harvey. I remember the last time she saw my partner and I together she stroked his head after looking at us and said you are very special to eachother aren't you. Perhaps she was trying to reassure herself I would be alright, that we would both be alright.

AnnieMo; I experienced someone talking all about their children in front of me and as soon as I mentioned Harvey, the subject was quickly changed. I felt like a brick wall was suddenly put up. Luckily lots of people are willing to talk about it. I think the oddest thing I have experienced actually, is that a couple of quite close friends who have children around Harvey's age have asked me if I would like to come round and see their children. I know they are trying to be kind, but its not like when someone ran over first cat when I was little. They had cats too, and said I could come round and play with theirs. Bless people for trying though.

Willow2> yes, could you please get that contact no. for me. I meant to ask you earlier, but was overwhelmed with all the other responses. I think it would be very helpful for him to have someone to open up to that had been through something similar, but I'm sure he would be most reluctant. I'd like that too, but i do have a lot of reticence about todays counselling culture I'm afraid. I've nevcer been in this kind of situation before though.

will call her asap love Willow2

Dear Bobbins,
Thank you and everyone else for your heartfelt replies. I should have told you that my life line is The Compassionate Friends, set up by bereaved parents for bereaved parents. I was put in touch with my nearest contacts and went to their house almost weekly to talk, that stopped when the children were born as I just don`t have the time. I still get the quarterly newsletter, after 8 years I still feel that I need it. My dearest friends are all TCF friends, we write, phone, e-mail, and one day I will meet them, without their encouragement, strength and love I am not sure I would have survived. The e-mail address is, www.tcf.org.uk.
Love, Anne xxxxxx

thanks Willow2 and triplets. perhaps the organisation Willow2 is talking about IS compassionate friends. i've often looked on their website and thought it was most helpful.

I intend to write a letter to Harvey at least every year, in the hope that this will help me come to terms with the evolving situation. I'm going to post the first letter I wrote to Harvey, for his going away ceremony. I think that this kind of action really has helped me in coping with what has happened...ie; in the spirit of this thread. Please remember it is written to my little boy just after he died. its quite idealised, but its what I would want him to have kept had he had grown older. I hope nobody thinks its too personal.

Dear Harvey,
My smiley, friendly little son,

We had so much fun carrying you through your happy, full little life. More bliss than I had ever known, was wrapped up in your existence.

We had so many plans for more wonderful holidays with you, like the one in Skiathos when you were only 4 months old. There were so many more people we proudly wanted you to meet. But it was always a holiday looking after you. We often stopped to remind each other just how lucky we were.

It was joyful to make apple sauce from the first fruit on our little apple tree. Daddy showed you its blossom and you laughed.

Now all we can do is plant it above you and take picnics beneath it. We will still enjoy its fruit. You really were such a happy, easygoing but busy little bundle. Even when you were in my tummy, you let me sleep. And all throughout your life- YOU SMILED! What will I do with myself now? I will make myself busy in memory of you.

My only painful regret is that when you were suffering at the end, we were all powerless in our struggle to help you. I would give anything to have had you safely snuggled in our big bed between Aggi, Daddy and myself. Like you were so often.

But now we are saying our good byes. I want to remember the JOY of you waving and playing peekaboo with daddy on that last Tuesday. You had just learnt to wave at us when we were saying goodnight before laying you down with milk and story.

Now we have snuggled you up safely in your "angel transporter". You are surrounded by the love of all these friends and family who have been helping us get through this crazy time.

We will miss you incredibly my precious son.

So MUCH love Mummy

xxxxxx
Go towards the light.

Bobbins, all across the country women are sitting at their computers crying their eyes out at your letter to Harvey .
Not too personal at all , just a real privillege for the rest of us that you let us read it too.
Thank you so much.

Jasper, totally.