my marriage plans are upsetting everyone it seems...

[Enid]

I'm having a crap evening. My parents came down to visit yesterday and I asked them if they could give me some money towards a wedding for dp and I (they are paying for my sisters wedding in June). They agreed but very reluctantly even though I said I wouldn't want as much as my sister is getting and it wouldn't be for a while, trying to take the burden off. So anyway, they agreed, which was kind, but not a word of happiness or congratulation. Then my sister rang tonight, very peeved that I was thinking of getting married too and worried that it would be before hers etc etc. Then dp told me that he didn't realise that I was so serious about getting married (err.. despite being together for 8 years, having one daughter and one on the way, and me saying repeatedly 'I really want to get married' for the last few months)and that he was feeling pressured and stressed about it.

I feel like an idiot now, I thought it would be a really nice thing to do and it just seems that everyone closest to me thinks its a really stupid idea. So obviously I am feeling very sorry for myself. All I've done is try and borrow a bit of money so that marriage could become a possibility, its not like I've set a date or even thought about when or where.

Both my parents and my sister asked why I wanted to get married, I said because I'll have 2 children and I feel strongly about it now. They both (independently) said 'oh, what an old-fashioned viewpoint'. Despite the fact that my parents are married, and my sister is getting married this year and is definite that she wants to get married before she has children.

I feel as though I've spoilt something before its even started

Oh Enid, so sorry. Will write more in the morning when I'm completely sober. But for now, just sympathy love.

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Enid, how miserable for you. Don't let any of them (dp included ) put you off doing what you really feel is right. It's not a stupid idea, it says a lot about commitment and how you feel about your dp and your children and the importance of your whole little family.

Families can be funny about weddings, and it's not always clear at the time why. When dh and I announced we were to be wed (something I thought would delight my family) my Mum was distinctly cool about it all, and really upset me. I vowed that, if that was her attitude, dh and I would organize everything ourselves and she could just come along to the wedding like an ordinary guest. Of course as time went on she wanted to be more and more involved. Years after the event she told me that I had taken her by surprise - she and my stepdad had decided to get married when dh and I had said we were going to have our wedding, but they hadn't told anyone so had felt they had to postpone it all for my sake, and that's why she had reacted a bit strangely. If only she had told me at the time, it would have saved a lot of heartache on my side. So maybe your parents are feeling a bit stressed about your sister's wedding plans (parents can get like this, I've noticed ). Give them some time to get used to the idea, and if they can't then do something simple, personal and special for you and your dp with close friends and your children.

Echo what others have said about weddings bringing out the worst in people. We paid for our entire wedding (including flying out family from Oz) but FIL took extreme umbrage at being asked for a contribution to cover his table of guests (as the in-laws are acrimoniously divorced it was 2 extra tables of friends rather than one). He is not short of dosh!.

People just can't help themselves but wade in with comments on how you should do it, whom you should invite etc etc. Nonetheless, it was the happiest day of my life and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Oh Enid, thats just families. My brother hasnt spoken to me for 3 years, when I got together with dh (who was originally his best friend) and it is still causing problems now we have ds and another on the way, but another story.

We had lots of remarks as we got married less than a year after meeting, both just got divorced and I was expecting ds. We wanted to be married before he was born so we just got on and organised it all in 3 weeks, paid it all ourselves. If people wanted to be there they could, if not they were not ruining our day. And we are still very happily together.

It will be ok, perhaps your dp didnt like the fact you had asked your parents for money before speaking to him, they are funny like that arent they.

Thanks so much everyone - I was more naive than I thought about the wedding thing. Dp is being dense (LOL about the wills robinw - we have made one so its always a back-up plan...) but of course now I'm thinking, well, maybe he just doesn't want to marry me. My parents are freaked out about the financial burden (even though I'm asking for a pretty token amount - the kind of wedding I want won't be expensive) and my sister is probably cross that there's another wedding on the horizon. The fact that my parents are willing to give her double what they give me is another point...but I'm used to that kind of favouritism now so it doesn't hurt as much as it once would have done.

Dp is somehow feeling let down by me, as when we first met marriage wasn't something I felt strongly about - but as I have tried to explain to him, I was very different in 1994! And I really want to do it for the children's sake now. Obviously if he is really against it I can't go through with it, but honestly, if I'd waited for him to ask me I'd probably be on my deathbed before it happens.

I just feel embarrassed about the whole thing now

sobernow, we'll have to meet up and compare notes about dp's with a marriage phobia!

Enid, sorry you are feeling like this. You are not an idiot. I agree with others that weddings can bring out the worst in some people but they also bring out the best in others.

Obviously you have to talk to dp and find out exactly what is going on in his head but as for the rest of your family, whatever the history, whatever their reasons, ignore it. Don't let them spoil your day. This, it has to be said, is much easier said than done.

Neither my husbands family or my own showed any interest in our wedding whatsoever. DHs family did not even come!! We did it all ourselves and it was a wonderful day, a real celebration of our love and our friends were wonderful. I was heartbroken by mothers lack of interest (esp as a close relative was planning a big wedding extravaganza which seemed all the more important to my family. My mother even contributed a fair amount of money to that!!!)... we even got to the point that we wondered whether we should invite our families their interest was so lacking and yet I would have regretted it dreadfully if I had not. Can I ask are you the kind of woman who has always wanted to get married? On reflection I see that because I am a feminist and had never shown any interest in getting married before (hadn't met dh before! ) my family thought it was of no great importance and I think, although I am only guessing, that they thought it was simply a legal document. My sibling has since apologised as turning up at the registry office in very casual clothes when everyone else was very smartly dressed and the bride was in a magnificent ball gown rather stood out!!! Families!!

So sorry Enid, I was in a similar situation with DH, his parents had a dreadful marriage and this seemed to have soured him. Also he's not religious and "didn't see the point" as we'd have a child and that was a much bigger committment. I disagreed, was quite happy to live together but felt differently when there was going to be a child around. He finally "proposed" when very drunk, and we were married when I was 34wks gone.

Needless to say the wedding was a bit unconventional, and MIL went spare, why no photos, no cake etc..That said we had a great time and so did the reasonable family and friends. Don't let your DP make you feel guilty, if it's that unimportant to him he shouldn't have anyproblems doing something to make you happy.

Oh Enid, poor you. What everyone has said is right, weddings either bring out the best or worse in people and theres no telling which it will be.
When dh and I got married my Dad insisted on paying for the lot, and thought that gave him total control. We went along with him until the day he tried to interfere with the wedding service itself, but as we are Christians and my Dad is only a very nominal churchgoer, we felt we had the right to have this bit exactly how we wanted it - and we did.
Mind you, Dad had the rest of the day organised down to a tee, had gone for the very best of everything and it was superb - the food, the clothes, the cake, the band, the ceilidh, the photos, all exactly what I would have wanted - even down to him specially ordering strawberries from M&S in December so I could have my (only once mentioned, because I thought it would be impossible) dream of a champagne and strawberry breakfast on my wedding day.
But to this day people comment on the service when they talk about our wedding, about how there was something extra special in that, and it's the bit I cherish, the bit that the whole day, perfect as it was, would have been nothing without.
So whatever you do, don't let the b***s get you down, and once you have kicked your very lucky dp into shape (lol) go out and have the wedding you want. You wont regret it!

Enid it sounds to me as if your parents are stressed about the money and your sister is worried that your wedding will overshadow her big day. Sisters can be like that IME. Sibling rivalry doesn't always stop with adulthood! I think sometimes families have a view of you and don't like it when you change and no longer fit into that image they have, i.e my mum still seems to be amazed that I cook since I showed no interest until ds was born - so although I've been a keen cook for 5 years now she still professes to be amazed that I can! My mum didn't help with my wedding either and I know she won't if/when I do it again (separated atm but planning on marrying dp). I can cope with this as I've accepted that she will not help or show any interest and have lowered my expectations accordingly. Maybe your family just didn't expect you to show an interest in marriage?

I understand why you want to get married but I think you need to get to the bottom of dp's reluctance since you can possibly ignore the family attitude but you definitely need his agreement! I know all this must be annoying and upsetting since all you want is for the people closest to you to be pleased for you and say "congratulations!". FWIW, my mum's reaction to my pregnancy was "B*** Hell!" (and not in a good way... families hey?!

Oh Enid, poor you. I can only agree that weddings can bring out the worst in families, my poor cousin has been overshadowed by her brother all her life and when she announced her engagement he suddenly got engaged too, set the date before her wedding and got her parents to pay for it, so my cousin had to pay for her wedding herself! In a more minor way wqe had the usual thing of inviting people we hardly knew to keep our families happy, it's very annoying.

Take no notice of your family. As for your dp, well I had to badger my dh into marriage, we were only 21 and 24 but had been together for 6 years. I later found out that he couldn't be bothered with all the organising etc., it wasn't the thought of being married that he didn't like but the wedding itself, and felt shy about being the centre of attraction in front of so many people. You could try asking your dp if he'd prefer something really quiet. Dh was definitely happier when I just got on with organising things without continually asking him what he thought. I just think that men can't be bothered with sorting out the arrangements!

Enid

Do not worry about anyone or anything except you and your DP.

DW and I got married 8 days after her decree absolute and told the vast majority of our families after it was all over.

Some were upset, some were really happy and some just didn't seem to care either way. DW had the wedding she wanted and I got to see her dressed up and with a smile on her face that I will carry in my heart till the day I die. Those were the things that were worth it, not that we forked out loads (total cost including dress, flowers and meal was under £300, one of my brothers shelled out £13,000) or had a massive attendance.

If the 2 of you have a great day the it will be all worth it. If all the relatives and reception and costs are going to cause problems then don't do them.

Oh wow, thanks everyone and so many fascinating wedding stories!

Dp and I have talked and he admits he has a complete phobia about public speaking and is really really frightened by the idea of having to make a speech. I've told him no-one will be listening to him anyway but that didn't seem to help But seriously, he was quite keen to go on one of those courses 'Public speaking for the terrified' or whatever and hopefully that might help.

My sister is coming to stay this weekend and I'm just going to let her talk endlessly about her wedding and not going to mention the possibility of mine just to keep the peace.

It was all a bit of a shock as I thought everyone would be so happy - oh well, nice to know I'm not such a cynical old bag after all

www - you are so right about people having a view of you and feeling disturbed if that changes, that's just what I was thinking about today and I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. I was always adamant that I never wanted to get married - but that was before (usually lovely) dp!

Enid, there doesn't have to be speeches! I'm sure that most ment dread the thought of having to stand up at a wedding and make a speech. At a friends wedding recently, a close friend stood up before the meal, thanked everyone on behalf of the bride and groom and told us all that the party would start right acfter the meal! You could see the relief on peoples faces. Discuss together the sort of day that you both want, ignore anyone else as they don't matter. The horror stores of my soon to be ex in laws and my wedding would fill many a thread! Good luck.

I agree. Have the wedding YOU want. My dh and I planned our wedding in the bath in a hotel in Norfolk over a bottle of champagne, and most of the conversation was about what we DIDN'T want - ie receiving lines, long speeches, a disco etc. Not having a go at any of those things, they just weren't for us. We wanted a lovely venue and I wanted a picnic, so that's what we had. It was a fantastic and extremely informal day. I also decided that if anyone didn't enjoy themselves that was their problem not ours (everyone raved!) and anyone tricky just wasn't coming. We provided lots of champagne (cheapo from France) and thought, well, if they can't be happy in the country on a lovely day drinking champagne and eating jam and cream scones, they shouldn't have been invited in the first place! Enjoy and ignore the carpers.

Absolutely no need for speeches! My eldest son got married this year and did away with speeches altogether at the reception (which took place 4mths after the actual wedding!). Instead, his best friend, who runs a corporate entertainments business, acted as MC and DJ and that kept the party running beautifully. It was a relief not to have to sit through endless anecdotes, TBH!!

I agree about not having speeches. I don't remember dh making a speech at our wedding, but his best man did a v. short one, during which he said, 'I think the bride looks lovely in her dress' to which my (v. drunk) Fil said 'She'll look even better out of it!' That magic moment is on our wedding video forever.

Enid
It all sounds like a failure in communication to me. Just let everyone know how you really feel
My wedding day was the best day of my life but there were ruffled feathers and family fall outs on the way !

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There is absolutly no need to do the traditional bit if it scares you or dp. When we got married it was all very casual. I wore black - so slimming when 7 months pg. The photos were taken by my sil and an ex boyfriend - they did them as wedding presents so they cost us nothing, and as I'm a teacher and used to speaking to large groups, I did a small speech. I seem to remember the best man made a few comments, mostly consisting of things he wasn't allowed to mention, including shotguns. We bought the cake from M&S and decorated it with fresh flowers (carnations from the corner shop), made a CD of our favourite music so we didn't need a DJ, had no bridesmaids so there was no bitching there and generally spent our whole budget on a nice venue and as much alcohol as everyone could drink. As for convincing a reluctant dp into the vows, I simply told him that as I was pg, the child got my name unless we were married.

I got married for the second time 4 and a half years ago, we got one of our guests who is good at photography (big hobby/semi-pro)to take all the photos. Not much posing, he just went around snapping during the whole event/reception,etc without people really noticing. Half were black and white and half were colour, lots of very natural groupings and people having fun. They really summed up the whole laid-backness of our fantastic day. We paid nothing, this was his wedding present to us and included 2 extra-spesh ones of the bride and groom in lovely trendy silver photo frames (not expected!)

Also, my MIL paid for the catering and 3 people to serve/pour drinks,etc (v Trad fresh salmon and strawberries but perfect for a sunny May wedding) my parents paid for the huge amounts of good champagne (only drink available - it works!)The venue was MILS fabulous house literally on the cliffs at Bournemouth so view only of the sea - SIL made the most amazing cake decorated with white sugar roses (like my bouquet)She was taught by Prue Leith and has been on telly shows cooking so it was totally professional. We said to all these people these are your wedding presents to us so everyone was happy with that arrangement and we went off the next day to Deauville for a 5 star hotel beach holiday. I want to do it all again, it was the best day of my life (same as 2 dd's births, of course). I feel all soppy now.