A small rant about a stupid situation, re: SAHMs and childcare...

[TooTicky]

WHY is it that SAHMs are looked down on so often but people who look after children for a living are not?
I don't want to go out to work until my dd2 is at school because I want to look after her myself. But if somebody else looked after her, I would have to pay them.
There is something very wrong in this situation but I can't put my finger on the solution - unless SAHMs received an allowance for staying at home with their young children.
And there is so much legislation these days that it is very hard to find a job you can do with your child present.

NKF - no, I think job = work.

It's a job when I clean out the gutters or clean the windows. I'm just not paid.

"Paid employment" is one category of work IMO. "Unpaid work" another.

Do you think looking after your child is a job?

I'm a SAHM .. of course it isn't a job .. it can be hard work .. but its not the same as going out to work

and thank the lord for that!

I think that being a mother in the biological sense of the word is not a job.

But I do think that taking care of my child on a daily basis and ensuring that she develops properly is a lot of responsibility and work, and so, yes, it's a job to be done. After all, if no-one was doing it, she'd be very unhappy and wouldn't know all the things she does know. And I think that is where women need to make sure that society recognises their proper value. It's not about wiping bottoms, it's about language acquisition, cognitive skills, making their way around the world, basic life skills that mean that you can live independently.

In that sense, my partner is much more of a biological father than any other kind. He doesn't take material responsibility for her upbringing, it is not generally his skills that are developing her (though most of the £££ comes from him). But gradually he's becoming much more responsible - he woke up to the error of his ways a few years ago.

shhhh, why don't you do just that!

Not sure what part of being a SAHM you can get wrong tbh! But please, don't be silly - it is not a job. Its the same thing women have been doing for centuries - in fact even the title SAHM is annoying. Do you think you deserve some kind of medal for raising your children and doing a bit of cleaning??

The fact that some sahm's have to harp on about it being a job blah blah blah is part of the reason that there is a stigma attached to being one - like we are desperate for recognition and some loons even want paying for it! It is embarrassing this need to justify how hard the day is. Yes, its annoying,tiring, never ending but thats parenthood not SAHM -hood.

There is nothing difficult about being a SAHM and I for one am lucky I have the priviledge without resorting to whining and point scoring about how its soooooooooo hard.

i agree with you connie actually. working mums have to do everything that 'stay at home mums' do and more, but they just have less time to do it in

Maybe you find nothing difficult about being a SAHM, but frankly I find it much harder than my previous, paid, job. Certainly there's no need to whine about it - I don't see anything to whine about, as I'm also proud of what I do.

Equally, there is no need to be rude to people just because you disagree with thm.

CD, I assume your job doesn't involve diplomacy of any kind.

Nicely put prettycandles.. It is hard to be a woman with kids full stop, irrespective of how you choose to work it. I found it easier to go out to work but love being at home too!

Or indeed listening to what people are actually saying.

hey Anna .. big secret for you

kids develop naturally

provide a warm and loving home and they'll develop ... no big psychological workload, no big physical workload

they just develop fabulous skills by osmosis .. by play .. by chatter .. by helping you do stuff .. by watching tv, listening to music .. whatever you're doing your kids develop

why make it a job?

"i agree with you connie actually. working mums have to do everything that 'stay at home mums' do and more, but they just have less time to do it in"

Having previously been a working mum and now a SAHM can I point out that this isn't necessarily true (it might be for some WOHM but wasn't my experience).

On my working days all I had to do was dress the children - they had breakfast, lunch and tea at Nursery. Then we would all return home, about an hour before bed time, and enter a living space that was as tidy and clean and unsullied by lo's hands as an operating theatre.

I think we need a definition of just what a "job" is. I think different people have different ideas about what the word means.

That was my experience of going out to paid work, too Handlemecarefully.

Agree with HMC, it's not true that WOHM's do everything SAHM's do and then a job. Oh the joy of coming back to a house which hasn't had any activity in it all day.

Plus if you don't WOH, people tend to ask you to do stuff they don't ask you to do if you do. So you're the one who does the walking bus, the mobile library round, organising the book group, being a school governor, picking up the dry-cleaning, shopping etc, which your DH might do if you have a paid job.

Obviously there are exceptions to this (one of my volunteers works full time and also volunteers for another organisation, and I guess lots of WOHM's have useless DH's who for some reason don't do their fair share of domestic tasks) but it's probably true in general.

And yes LL, I agree they are tedious when they're just bunfights. Which at a certain point in the thread, they're almost inevitably destined to become...

I agree with HMC 'On my working days all I had to do was dress the children - they had breakfast, lunch and tea at Nursery. Then we would all return home, about an hour before bed time, and enter a living space that was as tidy and clean and unsullied by lo's hands as an operating theatre. ' I also used to be a WOHM and now a SAHM (now with school age kids- shock!) and found the above true.

Thought the whole point of MN was not having to be diplomatic?

Why make things harder than they have to be by trying to make out that parenting and indeed the role of the mother is something it is patently not. As far as I am aware we do actually have some choice in whether we wish to become a mother or not.

I am not trying to undermine being a mum and looking after the children all day but try to get some perspective on this! Stop trying to turn the 'role' into something it's not and never will be. Not sure what kind of recognition people seem to want from society for becoming a mother and for choosing to stay home with their child but why isn't the mere having the children enough for most people???

yes HMC totally spot on

and LittleLapin I'm with you too .. tedious .. boring .. yawn .. shall stop .. just about now

The distinctions are always based on stereotypes. Stay at home mothers who supposedly interact non stop with their children, play a full and worthwhile part in the community and cook and clean so the house is immaculate versus high powered women who leave at six in the morning and delegate everything they find dull. It's nonsense. Some working women do masses of voluntary work and some non working mothers can barely keep their hair clean. And then there's everybody else.

Someone mentioned how annoying the acronyms SAHM and WOHM were and she was right. They're just dumb media cliches like dinkies and yuppies and all the rest of the faux sociological labelling.

i woh and i think it's really sad that kids are having all their meals out of the house. mine go to nursery and have breakfast and supper at home.

Oh I love it the days they have all their meals outside the home!

oh parp.

"a living space that was as tidy and clean and unsullied by lo's hands as an operating theatre."

Eh? How do you manage that? By the time my kids are out of the house in the mornings it looks like an operating theatre on a battle front! Let alone by the time they get home and spend 5 mins in it......

Where do you get tidy children like yours