Ok so dd2 and I sitting in the living room and hear loud crash from upstairs........

[Polgara2]

.........followed by a cascade of feathers into the garden! On investigation there is a bloody great pigeon prostrate in the garden against the fence! Daft sod had flown into the bedroom window. It has now recovered enough to be hopping about but it obviously can't fly - what the hell do I do with it now?
DD2 kept asking if it was dead, or will it die Mummy? Now she's gone to bed but every other sentence was 'is the pigeon still there Mummy'. DD1 now home and wants me to DO something Mummy!!!!!

Hmmph that would mean getting close enough to read it though wouldn't it. Back to my original problem of being a wuss

I have visions of wacky racing now...mock the pigeon, mock the pigeon, mock the pigeon NOOOOOWW!

Grab him, nab him, fricassee the fecking, big grey pigeon now....

And how do you find the owner from the identity number anyway?

Stick some bread on the patio, fatten it up a bit and I'll come round with a shovel.

It is only a pigeon it wont go for your throat,honest.

Oh yes I've been singing stop the pigeon for ages now!!

The RSPCA should be able to track the owners.

But its a BIG pigeon!!

Give it a name it won't seem as scary.
What about Barry?

Oohh anyone want to share the pigeon pie I'm going to make. Seriously it's a ficking PIGEON? It's a rat with attitude. If you go outside it'll probably fly away and mock you from the rooftops.

at singing stop the pigeon

Does this help?

if you did call it Barry you could push it off a cliff (eastenders)

Or this?

Ha suitable name that - person we bought the house off called Barry and could quite easily have shoved him off a cliff for leaving the house in the state they did!!!

barry it is then
so how is Barry doing? (not that i care)

I have a solution

Barry is resting at the moment thank you! He's just had a little go at flying but failed .

Listen if Barry the Pige karks it you may have the ghost of a seriously pissed off bird.

Haunting yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Oh god I do not want haunting by a pigeon!

Why are men never, never there just when you need them huh, huh??

Can you imagine the post on the supernatural forum about that one.....yeah, kill it, I'd like to read the follow up.

Oh and now dd1 coughing for England - which patient first I wonder

It would really be the worst type of haunting i think.
Barry could well get all his living bird mates to crap over you forever