Mornington Crescent rides again

[Andrewofgg]

Maida Vale. Just to make it difficult.

It is most kind of the Reverend to open the church hall for us. I hope he does not think it unkind to move so soon to Bourne End.

Sorry about the delay. That nice Mr Putin phoned and explained that he needed me at once. Vladimir, I said, I am busy on MC. Andrew, he said, this is an MC matter! Apparently some oaf thought it would be a good idea to try to cancel the outcome of the play-offs for the bronze in the under-12 event at Fort William in '77 - well, need I say more?

Obviously I told him to join me at once under cover in the usual place (Starbucks in the High Street in Totnes) and by my brains and his brawn we got it sorted. Then of course we had to dry him out and put him in the cargo hold - Varig are so cooperative - before I could think of my next move; which I need hardly say is to Sittingbourne.

I have no local Starbucks any more, so such clandestine meetings are not possible in my local area. Even a commentator on association football who lives nearby has to conduct meetings in a local hostelry.

The fields of Kent will be more pleasant this weekend than last, though you may need an umbrella should you wish to view the local oast houses. I make the move to Bearsted in the hope of fine weather.

I become anxious so far from the metropolis, so let us adjourn to

Kentish Town (see what I did there?)

May i join in? Having just been released from incarceration I feel the need for human interaction and mental stimulation. Alas, I am a little rusty so play a simple backbottom bias to Aldgate East while I adjust to the outside world once more

Don't play the innocent, dementedma. We know exactly where you were incarcerated and why - the governor is a regular on the MC circuit and she gets quite garrulous after a few tequila slammers. But Aldgate East is a smart move (devious, even), so you've obviously put those 18 years in solitary confinement to good use.

Kensington High Street

The governor needs to watch that loose tongue....or she could lose it! i met some useful people on my, erm, holiday.
An move to Headstone lane might be appropriate

I always am concerned about a station that has a name ending in lane, so have no wish to be there too long.

Especially on a Saturday evening, so I move to Carpenders Park.

Dementedma What a joy to hear from you. Sorry the cake with the file went astray. I heard about you losing seven days’ remission for spoiling the soup . . . by holding an officer’s head in it.

In the words of that very crafty Crescenter Dr Spooner: let us all glaze our arses to the queer old Dean and move to

Park Royal

There is a nice coffee shop near Ealing Common, so we shall move there and hope it opens this morning.

That coffee shop has never been the same since Mr Hoxha who started it died. I know that as Supreme Leader of Albania he had his critics but as a restaurateur he was beyond compare. I still salivate at the thought of his yeti steak and chips. And then the desserts . . . oh dear, we will not see such tiramisu again, will we, Maud?

Gallions Reach

I used to know someone who worked on the DLR. They used to joke about Gallions Reach as a place with virtually no-one there, before some more houses were built. I expect there is no steak and chips to be had there at all.

So I will move to Beckton where at least something can be obtained in the large supermarket.

some very staid play at the moment. I think it's time we sifted the wheat from the chaff and thus I take advantage of the Mothering Sunday waiver on inverted sussurations, and whisper us daringly close to home to Camden Town and the scent of victory

Oh, come on. You know Rule 1328(a)(xviii) as well as I do, and even if you accept the amendments made at Mombasa in '27 - and personally, broad-minded Crescenter that I am, I do, apart from its application to the Central Line which is a bridge (or a tunnel ) too far - that won't wash. You are playing with fire, or possibly Nidd, and the only safety now lies in Belper and even that is chancy.

Andrew please! The Camden to Belper blindside which brought about the downfall of young Fortescue in '83? I accept I have been out of play a while but really, my dear.

Fortescue was a fool, and not even his family connections could save him. I, on the other hand, play a snurgle to Bank, and remove myself to safety. You sir, on the other hand find yourself inconvenienced!

A snurgle on a Sunday in Lent - that has not been tried since Bratislava '27 and we all know what happened then. Oh yes, it had its funny side, except of course for the Deputy Lieutenant of Rutland who had to pick up the pieces, poor sod, but in these egalitarian days that sort of caper is Just Not On.

We will all therefore make our way (by a right-handed Rogers rigmarole) to Whitstable.

Bratislava in 27 was before the New Works Programme and even before some of the pre-war extensions of the Piccadilly line, so snurgles were like bow ties, de rigour for some but rare nowadays. Rutland was a real county as well in those days, it even had a cricket team, the true mark of civilisation apart from playing the game of games.

I always find it a bit difficult being in Whitstable as it is but a short journey from Margate, from whence came an artist who saw fit to exhibit their bed of all things. So I move back along in Kent to Faversham.

These coastal diversions are making me feel a bit twitchy. We must haste back to town, via gritty Dartford.

Ah Dartford..so may happy memories of upstanding chaps in naval uniform. I think it appropriate we sail in a stately fashion to Royal Oak

Now, who is attending the Easter Championships in St Petersburg? I shall be competing in several categories, naturally, and anticipate seeing many of you there. maud are you going to retain your title in the Ancient and Venerable category? I fear stiff competition from the Dowager Duchess. Word has it that the old bag is on top form this year - the new young footman she has taken on has put a certain spring in her step!
And Andrew, if I'm not mistaken you will be able to compete once more in the Seniors' Open, now that the restraining order has been lifted? What fun!

There are people in the world who have never played the game of games. Hard to believe I know and very disappointing. They probably think of Royal Oak as the name of a local hostelry, which for them it probably is. I am not yet of an age to play the Seniors' Open, but today we should remember the loss of someone who I am sure had he been given the opportunity would have been an excellent player, Sir Ken Dodd. May he rest in peace.

Given the late man from Knotty Ash loved the theatre and its traditions, a place with a small theatre where many thespian careers have begun seems an appropriate move. So to the tube station adjacent to the Bush Theatre we go, Shepherd's Bush Market.

The problem is that schools teach absurd pastimes which involve running round a field trying to propel small objects into places where they do no good (the one involving twenty-two "players", a round thing, and two overgrown fishing nets with ideas above their station being just the silliest of them) but don't teach MC.

You are, however, mistaken about Sir Kenneth, or Lord Knotty Ash as he should have been. He played a good amateur's game - and could laugh at his own failings as when he so carelessly played Wolverhampton after where we are now going because his statue is there, namely Liverpool Lime Street.

Indeed, if MC was taught in schools it would force the rest of us to raise our game. I've met some quite brilliant junior players but sadly they are few and far between. It takes a gifted schoolchild to work through Forbes and Major's Mornington Crescent: From Theory to Practice in Fourteen Steps and tell their Dickens dunts from their Powell parallel shunts. The next time I see the Minister I must continue lobbying her to get it on the curriculum...
But until then, let us cross the Mersey, not by the traditional method, but by train to Port Sunlight.

I play the ferry rule to cross the Mersey by the traditional method. So I can go to Blackburn a place known to the late Jim Bowen. Even if he never played the game of games I can imagine he would appreciate its simplicity.

I attended an august seat of learning in Liverpool - yes, such a thing exists - and have many happy memories of my time there. I recall our professor of French pressing us to always find "le mot juste" when translating and how the little chap would quiver with excitement when one of his scholars inadvertently hit on an accurate phrase. In his memory je voyage a la gare de Lime Street ou il faut parler Francais.

A return to Lime Street so soon? Sacre bleu!

Crewe