Help, I'm a jealous control freak!

[genia]

Hi... Does anybody else feel possessive about their baby and who does anything remotely care related with him/her? I have a lovely 7 month old boy who is a real sweetie... I love him and know he deserves all the attention and love he gets from extended family etc... Sometimes I feel a little envious of this attention and feel like the invisible backdrop behind the baby - even though I know I have had my turn at being doted over by grandparents etc... Also, I'm very used to feeling that Julian is mine and my partner's (in so far as he is anybody's - of course he is his own person), then when we see other family THEY all act as if he belongs to them - especially of course my parents and MIL. I find this hard to deal with - that I will have an ongoing connection with so many different people not because of me but because of my child... I know I sound a little strange and I promise I do want what is best for him and of course all this loving contact is very good for him... but it's as if people sometimes forget that you are the person that gave birth to this baby. My mother for one would be in there with lots of unwanted advice if I didn't keep my distance a little. I'm 33 years old and feel I can manage okay without unsolicited advice. Also (and tell me if I am being ridiculous), yesterday my BIL asked my MIL if it was okay to give Julian a piece of mango - he didn't ask me which annoyed me... I know it's only a piece of mango and not the end of the world, but it's hard to be totally in control at home and then find yourself not-so-in-control elsewhere.
Can anybody relate to any of this or do I have to grow up?
Thanks
Eugenia

Oh Dejags, I feel guilty now! I have been following your mil thread and I really feel for you - it makes having to see my aunt once every three months seem like a picnic.

Does any one have any tips for me?

I have a MIL just like those mentioned here. This last weekend my ds 6months ended up going all day with hardly any sleep or milk as she decided that he was not hungry or sleepy, if I gave her a bottle to give him she put it down if I tried to rock him to sleep she took him off me!. Sometimes she really acts like she has never looked after a child!

Any way this weekend is her 50th party (she having a huge supprise party) and I know that not only will this happen again but also that she will pass him round to everyone.

My Mum say's that I'm his Mum and so I should make a stand, but as it's her 50th this weekend is not really the time to be putting my foot down. I've tried being subtle (like waiting a bit then picking up the bottle again and giving it back to her) but she gets all offended. Dh always seams to disapear and does not get involved.

I do not want to fall out with her as before ds was born we got on really well, and most of the time I just sit back and let her get on with it, but it has now got to the stage where his health is at risk.

PLEASE HELP. Thank you in advance, all suggestions are worth a go!

carrieboo, how often do you see your mil. If it's not too often, I would have thought that what you are doing (being subtle) is probably the best thing. It won't hurt a baby to have too little sleep/food for one day every few months. And your instinct to let it go for her 50th is probably for the best. She is probably not likely to be able to change her ways and it should get better as your son gets older. It might save hassle and tension to just live with it.

That sounds awful and so unfair that your son has to be in the middle of some stupid power struggle that your mil has decided to create. My advice would be to wear him in a papoose/baby bjorn on the day of her 50th so that you and he are both still there, but she won't be able to pass him around. He should be able to sleep well being close to you in one of those and just be lifted out for feeds. I did this at a wedding (admittedly dd was quite a lot younger, so not quite as heavy or active!), and it worked really well - no one would dream of asking you to take him out when he looks so comfortable. Or you could say that he's a bit fractious and so you'd rather he wasn't passed around that day (most people wouldn't want to hold your baby if they knew it was going to make him or you uncomfortable.) Good luck - whenever I hear about something like this from the outside my automatic reponse is that you should just tell them where to go, but I am an absolute wimp when it comes to asserting what I want with my own family or family-in-law. However, maybe it would be worth confronting her after her 50th is all over and telling her how upsetting it is when your ds's needs are overridden by her.

We see her quite often (1-2 weekends a month). Its always been annoying but at least when he was young he slept/feed so often it didn't matter if he missed one, but now he sleeps/feeds so little this weekend he ended up going all weekend with no naps/drinks except the night ones, so I really do need to start being more assertive at some point! However I really hate confrontation and am no good at it as i'm such a wimp and hate to offend people.

Funny you should say about the papoose idea, I joked to a friend this morning that if I did that it would make it harder for people to take him, but thinking about it, it realy is a good idea even if I only kept him in it for a few hours at a time at least I could make sure he was fed and get him to nap, and nobody would figure out what I was doing!

Thank you,

any back up ideas if that fails?

How about inventing a contagious disease (ring worm) that would not make him look sickly, but would keep anyone from wanting to hold him. Or saying that the doctor insisted on your feeding him at regular intervals and documenting it for a study.

Carrieboo, this sounds really bizarre, to me. You don't think she's mentally ill, with something like Munchausen's By Proxy, do you?

Is it possible to sneak off and feed your baby yourself, even if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom to do it? A sling is an excellent idea for keeping him out of harm's way, too.

Carrieboo, if that were me I wouldn't be very happy with my dh disappearing just when I needed backup in an issue with his mother. Sounds like you need his support to stand up to her. Your child's welfare has to come first, and his concern should be to protect you and his child first and foremost, however hard he finds it.

I think I've jinxed myself, what should happen but last night ds came down with a cold. As he has situs inversus (he's all back to front inside!) and a heart murmur, no body will be able to complain or get offended if I insist on keeping him close all day so I can keep a close eye on him.

SueDonim - No mental illness, but just like a child she deffinately thinks the world revolves around her, it's just harder to cope with now.

Batters - how did your dh approach the "talk", what did he say, how was it taken etc.

BTW I've told my dh off on many occasions for going awol, but you now men in one ear and out the other, esp. when it comes to their dm!

I sound like such a bitch, but I really do like her, I'm just being a protective mum.

Thanks everyone, I kept ds attached to me while everyone arrived then I dissapeared into another room to feed him. When I did take him out of his sling I made dh promise not to pass him to any one and he did the same when he gave him to his dm. We saved the cuddles with the rest of the familly for when the guest had gone.

All in all it went pretty well only one person didn't get the hint. Ds was wearing baby sunglasses while in the sling and she came up and pulled them up to see his eyes with out asking and proceeded to scratch him with them! However she didn't even notice even though he was screaming and had a great big scratch on his forhead. Avoided her like the plague after that untill she cornerd me again, and I had no choice but to tell her!