Just wait until they have kids.....

[prufrock]

We have been invited to a wedding soon. It's one of dh's best mates (actually the guy he was with when I first met him, who I thought was really cute) They have specified no kids. Now that's fine, we did the same but he's the last one of our group to get married, so now all of us have kids so it makes it a bit more difficult and the wedding is down near Devon, and they, and all their friends come from London, so it's not like we can just go for the afternoon/evening.
But we'd sorted it out, that dd will go to MIL's and ds (who will only be 4 months and bf) will come with us and we would get a babysitter to look after him. So I called to say that was what we were doing, and would it be OK if ds comes to the church (timing/location will make it difficult for feeds otherwise) AND THEY SAID NO!

Now I can totally understand them not wanting toddlers running about, and I can understand them not wanting to have to pay for meals for children, but saying no to a 4 month old baby being at the bloody church!
Now I don't know what to do. If I leave ds at the hotel for the service it will mean being away for one of his main feeds, and he's not brilliant at taking bottles, and if he doesn't feed well at 11.30 he won't sleep properly at lunch and so will be grumpy baby for the babysitter for the rest of the afternoon. Plus it means an extra 3-4 hours babysitting at £9 an hour, which when we are already paying £210 for the hotel, and petrol to get there, and outfits and presents and £81 babysitting for the afternoon/evening..... you get the picture.

We had plenty of kids at our Wedding - but only family members kids. If we had invited all guests kids we would prob have had to cut out 20 guests or so!! However, I totally wouldn't have objected to people bringing along small babies.

When I receive a Wedding invitation I would expect that my dd would not be invited, unless it was family member/v. close friends wedding.

Twiglett, yes I do buy a smaller gift if I am not attending !

i was invited to a wedding of a boy i grew up with - we knew his family very well. it was a verbal invite and so i phoned them up to onfirma nd say thanks when boys( now a fella of course)mum said - just you - we are inviting just you becuase of costs we cannot invite your husband or children. i declined - what kind of feckin invitation is that?

I have been reading this, and feeling a growing Meanbeanish point of view - not a criticism of the people actually geting married, but of weddings becoming some sort of film-set-theatrical fantasy rather than an exchange of vows and a friends and family celebration. I hate the burgeoning of hen and stag nights-weekends-weeks-who-knows-what-next, references to children dragged in to perform cameo roles as bridesmaids/pageboys, the 'look' of the photos - aren't they simply a record of the people who came to celebrate with you?

Can you imagine any other traditional cultural occasion - Christmas dinner, for example, where it would be the norm to exclude children? We have created weddings as events at which children don't fit in - how on earth did that happen?

I've just got back from a wedding. Took both my children, obviously, as I have no 'accomodating relatives' to leave them with. Yes, dd1 chatted a bit during the ceremony. Yes, dd2 wailed when she wasn't allowed to steal and eat somebody else's Order of Service. Yes, it was a bit stressful. But what the hell else was I supposed to do wiht them during the wedding of an old friend? They were also beautiful, charming, much appreciated and much remarked on. There were lots of other kids there too; some of them were entertained by the (surprisingly good) children's entertainer, others sat in chairs or high chairs for the meal - to the great chagrin of the Mother of the Bride but the laidback pleasure of the happy and delightful couple.

OK, so never having got married or indeed attended many weddings I am a bit of an outsider at all this. But I find the whole idea of 'leave them behind' totally weird. Leave them where? And even when there's something laid on for them at the wedding itself what are you supposed to do about children who are too young/unconfident to be left to be entertained? Don't understand it AT ALL. Grrrrr.

good discussion on this interesting thread. Very good post from MeanBean. Haven't read all but just to say we left it open at our wedding, some friends brought their kids, some not. It was fine. One baby cried all the way through (I was told later by the unnecessarily embarrassed mum) but I was completely unaware! In fact the kids there were all lovely. I agree that it's a celebration of commitment and what made it for me was the fact that all those people came from all over the country to see us stand up and say our vows. Really moved me. We also had some locals come along to the church (strong family connection to the church and village) and that was just lovely.
Have not been to many weddings since having children in fact only 1 I can recall, but it was fine.
I do think sometimes people forget that it's quite a hassle and expensive to go to a wedding (outfit, hotel, gift etc). I felt touched that so many people had made the effort tbh, and amazed at their generous gifts on top!!

We got married in a building at Kew Gardens, and I remember being aware that we had some extra audience because strangers were watching us through the window. It felt odd, but frankly I didn't mind in the least. Then afterwards the whole party went for a walk in the Gardens and when my new fil said that he was dying for a cup of tea we all trooped into a cafe for our first married meal! We were obviously a wedding party (I was in white, but not wearing a 'blancmange' ) and got lots of looks and smiles, but, in true British style, nobody made comments or bothered us or anything. I loved that!

A wedding is a communal event, a public announcement, so why are people so desperately controlling about who attends? Did you know that a wedding ceremony cannot be carried out in a locked room? By law it must be possible for uninvited people to come in.

Sorry, I'm back again - couldn't resist, something on another thread plus Prettycandles' remark about openness prompted me to worry this like a dog with a bone. The other thread was about affairs, and there was a comment expressing the view that you shouldn't worry about someone else's marriage, it's up to them to worry about their own marriage, in other words, if you have an affair with a married person, that's their repsonsibility, not yours.

I think that attitude is part and parcel of the privatisation of marriage. In the old days, marriage was everyone's business - it was your duty as a member of society to support marriage, which is why you were guilty of adultery if you slept with a married person, even if you yourself were single. I guess I feel at a gut level, that the more closed a marriage ceremony and a marriage becomes, the less support married people can get from others in society, because it's no-one else's business - no one else is a stakeholder in the stability of your relationship and no-one else has a duty to help you maintain your relationship. And I think that that is a very tough environment for married couples. The closing up of the ceremony is of course not responsible for that, but it's almost a symbol of it. Which is another reason I feel so uneasy about it. But maybe I just read too much into these things!

maybe its symbolic of the change from the original- 2 families joining - to 2 individuals joining iyswim. All this "our day" stuff wouldn't have happened in the past as it would have been the community/family day.

We had lots of extra people at our service. I was married in my childhood church- hadn't lived in the village for 20 years but quite a few of the older generation came and filled up some pews at the back. My mum was really pleased. Also a long lost friend's mum was outside the church taking photos to send to her in the States. That was great as we got in touch again.

At a friends wedding DS aged about 1 year fell off my knee and banged head on pew and let out one of those yells that has the silence in the middle and you just know what is about to happen after is even louder. I rushed him outside but not quick enough everyone heard it.

I apologised to bride/groom. She used to be a nanny so undestood.

I think that you should do whatever you feel happiest with. Maybe take baby to church, like others have said some of congregation may come with babies.

My best friend said no children and so DS now age 9 yrs went to stay with grandparents, their reason was financial as so many friends had got kids.

DS went with us to wedding last year with loads of kids all sizes and had a great time dancing in disco, all kids were well behaved and it was very relaxed and good fun.

Wow, 186 posts on this thread! Prufrock, what have you decided to do (apologies if it's buried in here somewhere, didn't see it on a quick skim through)?

It seems mad now but, when we got married we left the invite open and said when asked that if possible we preferred not to have the children there, as it was a small wedding and we were worried about rampaging toddlers. Having said that if there was a problem with childcare it was more important that we saw our friends with the kids than not have them there. So in the event their were a few there, one of whom squeaked throughout the service. DH felt much more strongly about this than I did but now having 2 DDs now he feels really guilty about it and actually wrote to one friend subsequently to apologise. I feel rather less guilty but then it was my friends who brought their kids. I suspect if we had been more used to small children we would not have worried about it. Have missed one subsequent do due to child ban which is only fair punishment I suppose.

It seems mad now but, when we got married we left the invite open and said when asked that if possible we preferred not to have the children there, as it was a small wedding and we were worried about rampaging toddlers. Having said that if there was a problem with childcare it was more important that we saw our friends with the kids than not have them there. So in the event their were a few there, one of whom squeaked throughout the service. DH felt much more strongly about this than I did but now having 2 DDs now he feels really guilty about it and actually wrote to one friend subsequently to apologise. I feel rather less guilty but then it was my friends who brought their kids. I suspect if we had been more used to small children we would not have worried about it. Have missed one subsequent do due to child ban which is only fair punishment I suppose.

One slice of my rather mix and match extended family is of Methodist background, and any wedding in a methodist church is quite likely to be attended by members of the regular congregation, with or without their children, muttering-aunts-with alzheimers and anyone else who chooses to show up. It's part of the principle of 'Fellowship' and quite un-negotiable. I think it is outrageously hypocritical of people who are not especially religious to use churches as fancy venues and effectively run a box-office!

Meanbean, very well put!

My mother comes from a very religious Ultraorthodox Jewish background. In her extended family arranged marriages are the norm, and divorce is very rare. Not so much because divorce is difficult, but because the expectation is that love comes after marriage, not before, and that you all have to work together to make a marriage work.

Message withdrawn

i agree with blu. my weing was a celebration i wante everyone to know how happy i was and it didn't turn into a "which invitation to choose" or " what coloured talbe cloth" if you wanted to come to the church come to the church.. most people had the decency to take squeekers to the back and my page boy was my cousin david with severe cerebral paulsey who thought the whole thing hilarious - think it was the 1989 peach homemade bridesmaid dresses actually. i think weddings have become keep up with the jones' money making affairs all about the dress and the almonds than it is about the life to come.

I think it's up to the people whose wedding it is whether kids come or not. We were recently invited to a wedding that had a no kids policy, as if everyone brought their kids there would have been over 50 of them! I can quite see why someone would not want 50 kids running around during their wedding.

It wasn't an issue for us as hardly anyone we knew had kids when we got married (I was 27 and dh 28).

Yeah, but CD, Prufrock simply wants to take a 4 month old babe in arms because he is being breastfed. She has arranged a babysitter for the reception, but the church bit is during the part of the day when he needs feeding - and it's a really close friend. And they have said, no, he can't go to the church! you must admit that is a bit unreasonable!

I've popped into a church to see a friend married when I wasn't invited to the wedding as such. My friend's Catholic wedding was packed with drooling elderly parishoners!
I am also a fan of children at weddings. But then we deliberately had a child-friendly wedding - afternoon do, all outdoors in a lovely garden, buffet with picnic food, no formality at all. I loved having kids there. Great fun.

well i am 26 now and have 2 kids ir would be useless not having kids there........... hehehehehehe

And I still can't see what I'm meant to do with my kids if I'm invited to a no-kids wedding. Seriously. I'd rather not be invited at all.

Fascinating thread. I want to know how it went, Prufrock!

My best friend had a no children wedding but happily gave in to the breastfeeding mummies. I snuck ds in in my tummy without anyone noticing anyway! In spite of the no-children thing (that I'd never heard of before and really got my back up) it was the most fantastic wedding. Everything had been planned with the guests in mind, and it was a wonderful memorable day.

When ds was nearly due we received a wedding invitation with a hand written note saying that the bride's sister had lost a baby at a late stage who was due at the same time ours was and so seeing a two week old baby at the wedding would be very hard for the whole family but that we were warmly invited. We completely understood and found an excuse not to go.

We're going to a no children wedding next week. It's on a Friday and ds will be in nursery. We will simply walk out when it is time to pick him up. I do understand their reasons, but this one annoys me a bit because it is an evangelical c of e wedding, and somehow I feel that it is hypocritical if they can't actually welcome all of God's children!

Can I suggest a much better option for people wanting a child-free evening? Throw a party. An evening party which is thoroughly unsuitable for kids. Tip off the parents of those children you really don't want there, and say hello to anyone who does bring along a new breastfeeding babe (my hat goes off to anyone who can get themselves out at that point anyway). You get presents, it's much cheaper than a wedding, you can buy a frock that's far sexier than the average wedding dress, and you don't have to invite relatives you secretly can't stand. The only downside I can see is that there may be less fizz, and you can always remedy that with a trip to Majestic or a booze cruise.

Seriously. Much more fun.

I actually put an announcemenet in our local paper the week before our wedding to say that all friends would be welcome at the church. An old schoolfriend of both mine and my chief bridesmaid turned up and it was really nice to see her.

The best wedding I ever went to was a Methodist one. Everyone was so friendly and it was a real community event.