Just wait until they have kids.....

[prufrock]

We have been invited to a wedding soon. It's one of dh's best mates (actually the guy he was with when I first met him, who I thought was really cute) They have specified no kids. Now that's fine, we did the same but he's the last one of our group to get married, so now all of us have kids so it makes it a bit more difficult and the wedding is down near Devon, and they, and all their friends come from London, so it's not like we can just go for the afternoon/evening.
But we'd sorted it out, that dd will go to MIL's and ds (who will only be 4 months and bf) will come with us and we would get a babysitter to look after him. So I called to say that was what we were doing, and would it be OK if ds comes to the church (timing/location will make it difficult for feeds otherwise) AND THEY SAID NO!

Now I can totally understand them not wanting toddlers running about, and I can understand them not wanting to have to pay for meals for children, but saying no to a 4 month old baby being at the bloody church!
Now I don't know what to do. If I leave ds at the hotel for the service it will mean being away for one of his main feeds, and he's not brilliant at taking bottles, and if he doesn't feed well at 11.30 he won't sleep properly at lunch and so will be grumpy baby for the babysitter for the rest of the afternoon. Plus it means an extra 3-4 hours babysitting at £9 an hour, which when we are already paying £210 for the hotel, and petrol to get there, and outfits and presents and £81 babysitting for the afternoon/evening..... you get the picture.

I wouldnt go and tell them why. I'm sure in years to come they'll be horrified with themselves. It is up to them but to me getting married should be done in front of those you love and hold dear to you including children. By banning children it seems to make it less magical and more boring and stuck up tbh.

I agree that its out of order that you can't take your 4 month old along with you to the ceremony at least.

However, as for other kids, I really don't like taking them to weddings, the last wedding I went to was a right pain for me and dh, the recepetion always runs late, your kids are dying and whinging for their dinner which they always have at 4pm, but have to wait until 7pm, there are up and down because they are restless and trying to keep them still and quiet during speeches was a nightmare, I ended up missing the speeches. I swore blind from that day I would never take my children to a wedding again (bearing in mind they were 1&3 at the time) I was stressed, I coulnd't relax and I was in bed by 9.30pm total waste of time going.

Ah thats not on.

What do they think you'll do, let him scream through it or something.

I wouldn't go and i would tell them why.

We have been in situations where we have been asked not to take kids and have agreed and then discovered other kids have gone. Really makes me mad

It really is up to them. If they just want pissed middle-aged people in ill-chosen outfits at their wedding, then that's their right. At the same time, you are under no obligation to move heaven and earth to farm out your family. If it still rankles a few years down the line, organise an event to which older children are welcome and exclude the repulsive toddler they'll have by then otherwise wish them all the best and stay home

I wouldn't go. You will feel on edge about it all day. Spend the money you save on a nice weekend or night away for the whole family. I never want to bring my children to weddings TBH as I see it as a chance to have a day off and a few drinks but a 4 month old baby - of course you should be made to feel welcome to bring him.

Make sure you get them a crap present!

Ridiculous. We got married last year and had lots of kids. I will admit, some of the older ones were a pain during the speeches, ran around screeching etc. but the one that was NO TROUBLE at all was the four month old baby whose mum was breastfeeding. She slept or fed pretty much all day and was so gorgeous she had more admirers then the bride !!

If they are old enough to have lots of friends with kids they should know better. Shame on them.

I don't understand this thing about kids not behaving at weddings. When we were kids, we always had to sit still and shut up during the speeches, and eat the dinner nicely, but then afterwards we'd play and dance and run around, and no-one ever thought it was bad behaviour. But then, all the weddings I ever went to were Irish, where this sterile idea of no children hasn't taken off yet. Maybe it's just that children don't behave anymore, but misbehaving, making noise etc., just weren't an option for us, and I can't see why they are nowadays. Am I wrong? Do children really behave so differently? Or are we just more infantaphobic?

Prufrock I wouldn't go and I'd tell them why. Fuck 'em. Ooh, I'd be annoyed in your position. Agree with everyone who says a) they just don't get it and won't get it until they have children and b) kids should be invited to weddings I think, I agree with sobernow, it's what it's all about.

How can someone who has worked as a neonatal nurse not understand the feeding needs of a baby and need to have it explained to her?!! I'd go with what you feel comfortable with - take the risk and go with baby, or none of you go or go but miss the ceremony - whichever of the options makes you least uncomfortable really as I don't think that they will agree after you explain your reason as they probably do understand the reasons already.

I don't actually mind them saying no kids - as I said, we did the same (Although I would never be so insensitive/stupid now). And I'm actually looking forward to going, a lot of our friends will be there, it's a lovely hotel with a spa which I'm going to be making the most of on the Friday afternoon, and ds will be with a babysitter all evening so I can party (as much as you can whilst going up to bf twice) I just can't understand how anybody could possibly object to a 4 month old babe in arms being at the church, especially when I said when asking if it was OK that I would obviously whisk him out at the first whimper.
I think I will jsut stay at the hotel for the ceremony - could probably fit in a facial whilst he's sleeping

I'd go with your baby and not explain at all tbh. I as in a similar position when my daughter was 3 months - took her, had enough people cooing over her to make and anti-child people look silly. In fact, in this case, I'd deliberately go with the baby.

I'd not go, honestly we went to wedding at the w/e it was full of kids, the only person who made a bloody noise was someones granny with a coughing fit.
The bishop type person came and showed every mum a toy room and a feeding/changing area.
Weddings IMHO are a family occasion.
The kids were supreme entertainment at the w/e - I did not take mine as we needed a w/e off, out first since dd 21 mths was born, but hey...
Just they wait... indeed

Probably gonna put the cat amongst the pigeons here but we had a no children wedding and the few friends of ours that did have kids all told me that they were relieved. One of our friends turned up at the church with their two - we included them in the photos and asked them to stay but they decided to go anyway - it does piss off other guests who have made childcare arrangements - I don't think there is anything wrong in not going to the service, sorting the baby out and then going to the reception. It is THEIR day and as their guests you just have to accept it or choose not to go - in the same way they have to accept that you might not go. Think about all the things you did/said before you had kids that make you cringe now - you wouldn't have wanted any one telling you how "you'll understand when you have kids". Be gracious, decide what you are going to do - don't make a song and dance about it - it is their day - not yours!

We had a 4 month old baby at our wedding. He was wonderful and slept through the whole service. He had to be fed a few times at the reception, but was an absolute star. And then he came on honeymoon with us....Well he had to - he is OUR son !!!!!!!!!!

childish - have you actually read any of my posts? How many times do I have to say I understand their point? I have no intention of making them feel bad in anyway, and would never dream of telling a childless person how ridiculous they are being - they'll find out themselves in due course. But I didn't realise that I was not allowed to come onto a site for parents to rant about how ridiculous childless people are without being told off.

This happened to us too, when ds was also four months. Had been invited when pregnant so they knew damn well that we'd have a baby with us. Had the cheek to tell us, a month before the wedding, that children weren't invited 'because there aren't any suitable facilities'. WTF? What facilities does a (breast-fed) 4 month old need, apart from his mummy?
Was particularly outraged because they said they hoped we'd be able to find a babysitter and go to the blasted wedding. Yeah, right, of course we would have left our four-month old for the very first time and driven from London to Cambridge and back again in a day. Maybe I could have bought my own Tardis so I could have made it back in time for the feeds. It was really, really hurtful; the first time my baby had been rejected by anyone. Was torn between lashing out in a tigress 'don't diss my baby' sort of way and bursting into tears.
Even more peed off that this was three days after we'd bought them an expensive pressie from the list; almost as if they wanted our money but not our baby.
The bride might have been ignorant about the needs of babies but the groom has a 12-year old daughter so must have some memories of infancy.
Of course, we didn't go. And we aren't friends any more. Completely changed the way I felt about them. Offensive, ignorant, selfish pigs.

I was very happy to invite everyone's children to my own wedding. As others have said, they are what it is all about really, even if you don't plan to have children yourself. When we were making our vows, my neice (aged about three, I think) joined in 'I, firstname middlename...' and then invited everyone back to her house for tea! We all thought it was absolutely charming and added to our happy memories of the day.

At my cousins first wedding, when the priest asked did anyone have any objections, his little 3year old nephew jumped up onto the pew and shouted 'granny, Simon, nooooooooooooo'. Everyone fell about laughing and the marriage ended in divorce within the year. Perceptive little guy.
At our wedding my mum made a point of having a photo with all the kids that turned up plus me and DH. She also got them each a book token as a thank you fo being well behaved.
I think this thread has opened a big can of worms. Prufrock, whatever is in your heart to do for the best, you should do. Anything else will leave you stressed and upset. Whatever you decide, I hope you have a good time. I like the idea of the facial while your little-un is sleeping. If you can, bill it to the bride and grooms room .

Prufrock - I sympathise a little with the happy couple, but it is being unreasonable of them.

When we got married we said no kids, and after the invites went out we phoned ALL those with kids and discussed with them, how we really didnt want any kids (except my nephew & niece who were Bmaids & PBoy), but if they had any problems to let us know and we would sort something out.

Meaning we would accept the kids if all else failed, fortunately for us, all the parents said, OMG we want a day/night away from the kids, we'll do our hardest to "get rid of them" so to speak.

I would NEVER had turned away a baby, even then I didnt have kids but knew what feeding babies needed, I would have just politely asked them to sit at the back in case they needed to dash out the church, for whatever reason, altho our church had a lovely long hall way, so they could have sat out their and still seen the wedding thru one of the windows.

Sorry to hear how awful these people are being.

As others have said, a wedding isnt just the couple domain, we had people in off the streets watching ours, we'd never seen them before in our life, but they were regulars to the church, thankfully they sat at the back or in the sidings.

Love the idea of people sitting in the sidings Ronniebaby; was this a British Rail church ?

At my friend's wedding her ex-boyfriend's mum turned up (uninvited) to see the ceremony- now that is strange!

OK you said no children or babies at your wedding, but this couple didn't have chidren anyway so the rule didn't affect them when they were guests at your ceremony.

Do you actually want to go to church to see them married? Eill you feel excluded if you don't? It you're happy to have a facial in the hotel instead then fair enough. But if resentment will spoil the rest of event for you, then go to the wedding. Slip in just before the service begins. Take your baby, sit near the back ready to exit it there's any noise. Tell your friends afterwards that your baby just wouldn't settle with the babysitter and you couldn't bear missing their wedding vows, such a special occasion for two such special friends etc etc...smile brightly and walk away

As others have said, I bet there will be enough guests cooing over your baby to persuade this couple that babies at weddings are a Good Thing.

Haven't had time to read all the rest of the posts but did read your reply earlier prufrock. ' ..wouldn't mind if you just wheeled him round outside or something'!

Oh how kind of them. Are they sure this is OK? What exactly will they do if a member of the Church's congregation turns up with their brood? Kick them out?

I think the point here is that this wedding is miles away. It's not like you can stay at home and just go to the evening. You have to go all the way down there (I assume you're going the night before) and then sit in your room/stand around with a 4 month old baby, waiting......

From your posts it's obvious that you have no intention of upsetting them, regardless of their thoughtless behaviour, on their special day. However IMHO you are quite rightly p**d off at the whole situation.

What ever deicision you make I hope you have a fab time in the evening and it's all worthwhile.

BR