Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Other subjects
Original poster

Just wait until they have kids.....

200 replies

prufrock · 22/07/2004 15:17

We have been invited to a wedding soon. It's one of dh's best mates (actually the guy he was with when I first met him, who I thought was really cute) They have specified no kids. Now that's fine, we did the same but he's the last one of our group to get married, so now all of us have kids so it makes it a bit more difficult and the wedding is down near Devon, and they, and all their friends come from London, so it's not like we can just go for the afternoon/evening.
But we'd sorted it out, that dd will go to MIL's and ds (who will only be 4 months and bf) will come with us and we would get a babysitter to look after him. So I called to say that was what we were doing, and would it be OK if ds comes to the church (timing/location will make it difficult for feeds otherwise) AND THEY SAID NO!

Now I can totally understand them not wanting toddlers running about, and I can understand them not wanting to have to pay for meals for children, but saying no to a 4 month old baby being at the bloody church!
Now I don't know what to do. If I leave ds at the hotel for the service it will mean being away for one of his main feeds, and he's not brilliant at taking bottles, and if he doesn't feed well at 11.30 he won't sleep properly at lunch and so will be grumpy baby for the babysitter for the rest of the afternoon. Plus it means an extra 3-4 hours babysitting at £9 an hour, which when we are already paying £210 for the hotel, and petrol to get there, and outfits and presents and £81 babysitting for the afternoon/evening..... you get the picture.

OP posts:
bunnyrabbit · 23/07/2004 09:33

Oh yes, and what if it rains? Do they have a particular preference for the colour of the umbrella you and your newborn will be sheltering under whilst you are 'wheeling him round outside'?

Oooh am so indignant on your behalf.

BR

littlemissbossy · 23/07/2004 09:38

LOL bunnyrabbit, I recently went to a wedding that supplied you with colour-coordinated umbrellas- FFS!!
prufrock, I haven't read all of this thread but hope you have a good time whatever you decide to do. Personally, I'd go and sit in the church right by the door so that 1. I could make quick escape if necessary and 2. we were the first people the bride saw on entering the church

tigermoth · 23/07/2004 09:45

lol @ littlemissbossy!

Angeliz · 23/07/2004 09:46

littlemissbossy!!

hercules · 23/07/2004 09:56

I'd take my 9 month old and borrow the triplets from accross the road as well!

Fio2 · 23/07/2004 10:00

I think its areal shame your friends are being like that prufock. Agree with whoever said they hate all this up your own arse day business!

PicadillyCircus · 23/07/2004 10:04

We're going to a wedding in October and I'm presuming that DS is invited - he'll be 11 months by then.

When we got married, there were two children who came - I can't imagine not having had them there. The little girl who was 2.5 was lovely and had an absolutely wonderful time .

binkie · 23/07/2004 10:24

LMB et al I do really know you're teasing - but brides can be so very passionate and anxious about their day, I just wouldn't dream of going against their express wishes, be it presence of babies or size of bows in the bridesmaids' hair.

Prufrock, what you're proposing to do sounds like a thoughtful compromise. Have a lovely time.

rooster · 23/07/2004 10:24

fio2, but it is there day, they are the ones paying for it, they are the only ones which will truly remember it, it is up to them.

I think its nice to not go with your kids, opportunity to have a day off and be an adult again.

Agree though that a 4 month BF baby should not be banned though

Fio2 · 23/07/2004 10:28

yes I know it is 'their' day but isnt a marriage ceremony supposed to be about 'family' especially if it is a church wedding. I cannot remember the reasons behind a 'marriage' in a church, susanmt will know. But one of the reasons (in the christian faith) is about having children and family

Fio2 · 23/07/2004 10:30

but who am I to judge, it is up to them, you are right - just seems a bit mean

littlemissbossy · 23/07/2004 10:34

yes binkie, brides can be very precious about their day and if they don't want children there -fine, but they should make an exception for a breastfeeding baby of 4 months - as the title of the thread says ... wait until they have children

lemonice · 23/07/2004 10:37

I'm amazed at the number of people who see a wedding as an opportunity to have a day or weekend without their kids - doesn't anyone feel proud of their family and dying to introduce their children to friends and family they may not have seen for ages? Children are fantastic ice breakers and can make connections between the bride and groom's sides which a lot of people find hard.

Also the chance to bunk off with some gorgeous kids during the speeches would be a bonus IMO. As for not behaving I've never been to a wedding where the kids didn't behave (can't necessarily say the same about adults)

binkie · 23/07/2004 10:42

Oh, Fio2, I completely agree with you that children are what weddings are about - it's just that sometimes it's a matter of what the couple have set their heart on (and isn't available to reason). (I'd set my heart on as many children as possible being at mine, which meant that we set the date by when we were sure my sister would have had her baby.)

Fio2 · 23/07/2004 10:44

I suppose its each to their own then binkie

binkie · 23/07/2004 11:22

Do you know, weirdly, that's made me think - I didn't then know what it would mean to traipse across the country with a 3-weeker, but my sister is such a love she knew how much it would mean to me so she did it. So it's sort of the opposite of "just wait till ..." experience. Feel faintly ashamed now.

edam · 23/07/2004 11:54

Think the relevant bit from the CofE is in the Book of Common Prayer, possibly, and says 'marriage was ordained' for something like 'such as have not the gift of continence' ie people who can't be celibate like monks and nuns. Don't have that exactly right but it's along those lines (don't we have any vicars on MN?).
As others have said, a CofE church is a public place (as it's the established church) and anyone can turn up to a service.

angelpoppet · 23/07/2004 11:59

It's often really difficult for a bride and groom to make the decision to cut out children from a wedding.

My dh and I had to when we got married - I have roughly 25 cousins (who I rarely see) all of whom have at least 1 child each - some of them have 3 kids and some of them I've only met once in my life.

I wanted my wedding day to be about close family and friends and NOT family politics. So even though our dd was 1 on our wedding day we told others they couldn't bring their kids - apart from our my sister in law and our best friends who's childern were invited.

I'm sure we pissed loads of perople off but who's cares - the day was perfect just how WE wanted it!!!!

handbagaddiction · 23/07/2004 12:27

Oh this is all sounding so familiar and I can also see things from both sides now too. We got married a couple of years ago and said no kids apart from direct family - so my sisters ds who would have been 9 months old and then dh's nephews who were probably 2 and 4. Also had a range of 'older' direct family children there 2 11 years old who were bridesmaids, 1 15 year old who we made into an usher and 2 13 year olds who were eahc given jobs to make them feel part of the wedding. Seemed to work quite well for us. nobody didn't come because of childcare difficulties and most said it was great to be away without the children for a night. That said - if there had of been any other small babies affected, there is no way I would have stopped them from being able to come.

I have to say that personally, I'm still against small children (not babies) at weddings having been to both sorts. I do believe that couples have the right to choose who to invite and who not to invite - but when choosing must accept the consequences of their decision, i.e. some people may not be able to come because they cannot get alternative childcare.

I am now exactly in this situation myself. Some good friends are getting married in September and I have dd who will be 12 months old at the time. Neither I nor dh have any direct family nearby who would be able to look after dd (who is not invited). Fortunately, the wedding is only about 60 minutes drive away so involves no overnight stay - but I'm having difficulty sorting out childcare - especially since dd is not particularly comfortable with people she doesn't know. None of the girls at her nursery are willing to work on the Saturday for me (despite the offer of £10 an hour, plus travel, food, etc.)...so at the moment I'm at a complete loss at to what to do...

Mo2 · 23/07/2004 12:29

When we got married and had a 'preferably no kids' policy, one of DH's friends who had moved abroad obviously had to bring his kids (about 6 and 8) as they were combining the wedding with a visit home to grandparents etc.
Although I obviously had lots of things to think about on the day (!) I remember being shocked when I saw the kids on the day - they looked really scruffy - were wearing dirty trainers and very casual clothes (bright stripey anoraks etc)
What's worse was when we came to take the photographs, their mother kept shoving them to the front (they were only DISTANT friends - in fact I'd never met them prior to the wedding!) and to be honest I was really pissed off - we ended up scrapping loads of good photos...
" oh, look this is a nice one of you and X, the bridesmaids... and a kid in an orange anorak..."

Aaaargh....
Friend at work once said - "no I don't like children at weddings - make the photos look untidy!!"

OK - go ahead - chastise me - I don't care.....

twogorgeousboys · 23/07/2004 12:33

I still have a bee in my bonnet (and this one won't stop buzzing).

For me, my guests came first, me and my dh came second.

Of course, I had the dress I wanted, we chose the car we wanted etc etc, but when it came to the guests, we focused on on their needs.

How could we make it as easy as possible for them attend and have a wonderful time?

Some people brought their children, some didn't - it was their choice, but when they opened their invitation, they weren't immediately faced with a problem and that sinking feeling of "Oh God, I'd love to go but what about the kids".

If people have easy access to babysitters, they know they can leave them behind and go off and enjoy themselves. But many people don't have this kind of support, certainly not someone who can take the children for a whole day.

Why are guests there? To watch you do exactly what you want to do and be made to do what you want them to do? I don't think so. They are there because you want them to SHARE the most important day of your life and SHARE your joy and be made to feel part of something special.

If you offer the hand of hospitality, but make it difficult for that guest to accept, I think that's very sad.

hercules · 23/07/2004 12:45

Sure i'll get blasted but to me sounds very ypocritical if you're getting married in the eyes of God. I hardly think God would wanty children to be excluded so it seems barmy that the couple would. If you really want to get married with no kids do it in a registry office!

runs away very quickly....

Fio2 · 23/07/2004 12:52

agree hercules., I think if it was civil then fine, but a church wedding is completely different surely? Says 'she' who doesnt understand people who get married in church and arent religious and has most probably upset half of mumsnet for saying so.. But thats my opinion

runs after hercules

hercules · 23/07/2004 13:59

ooh we are naughty fio2!

Hulababy · 23/07/2004 14:10

twogorgeousboys - I agree. My wedding blessing was not just about me and Dh at all. We made sure it suited our guests. More than anything I really wanted my guests to have a great time, to not have to worry about stuff, it not to cost them a fortune and for them to have fun. No one was excluded at all. And from what everyone told us, it was a huge success

However, I was petrified of the church bit and speaking in front of everyone and knew I would not enjoy it as a result. Therefore DH and I actually got married on our own on safari on holiday 2 weeks before. That was very special and intimate - just the two of us.

The blessing, and reception was for everyone though