Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

My jokes are wasted on you lot I'm going to preorder a tombstone that says 'Not appreciating my puns whilst I was still alive was a grave mistake'. That'll teach you.

I did a big groan last night about the funeral director. A proper gold-standard dad joke.

Well that's a form of appreciation I suppose. But I already ordered the tombstone so I guess that joke's set in stone now...

Don't dig yourself in any deeper.

Aw. But I've got them in spades...

No thanks - my bum is sore from the five tetanus, rabies, toxoplasmosis, feline enteritis and FIV jabs I had to have. Who knew that the average domestic cat is more awash with disease than an entire sewer full of rats?

They aren't shy about sharing them, either. I'll bet I'm the only living human ever to have seen most of their own skeleton. I've wrestled with flocks of harpies and come out with fewer injuries than I got from one sodding cat. The bastard!

Thanks for the suggestion Pax but it's a non-starter.

Why FIV jabs, do they think you're part cat? Don't tell me you've been to that 'vet' who lives in the caravan down the road again, I keep telling you he's not licensed.

That "vet" as you so disparagingly refer to him, is a medical professional with many years experience of putting his arm up a cow's bum and I trust him implicitly also they won't let me in to the walk in centre any more since the Toblerone incident .

I did have to talk him out of the distemper, hardpad, parvo and African Horse Sickness injections, though, now you come to mention it.

I'm having a rest. I'll probably be ready for a snack in about 22 hours and 7 minutes time. A bowl of cream would be nice. Also a saucer of prawns - the jumbo ones, and perhaps a couple of fancy mice.

One of you see to it.

Grrrrrrrrr.......

Oh heck... I'm allergic to cats, and you really don't want to make a dragon sneeze!. Suggest you try to mutate back sharpish, or else shave.

Ah...ahh ... choo - .... whoops...

No don't shave her, it'll get get everywhere. Someone throw her in the moat and add some soap.

I may have accidentally singed all her fur off in my last sneezing fit. TBH though she looked daft with it, seeing as how she's not actually a cat.

Urgh, are you trying to give us nightmares?

Is there crufts for cats?

Well... there's something called The Supreme Cat Show at the NEC later this month, google tells me.

But I bet it doesn't have any of the good bits of Crufts. Flyball, agility, dancing, friends for life ... do cats do any of those? The RNIB CATNAV scheme turned out to be a bit of a joke ...

I sent you that photo in good faith Pax, and now you've put it all over the internet!

I've had scores of pervy e-mails from people who want to rub baby oil into my ears and press their faces against my flabby belly - so obviously it's not all been bad.

If anyone has any perversions suggestions, I can be contacted at

Iambaldcathearmepurr.com

Have your Paypal details to hand.

Where is my cream?

I SAID I wanted CREAM!

is schadenfraude wearing clothes yet?

I gave her a shot of testosterone, she'll be mercifully hairy very soon.

Nice of you to provide a breakfast cabaret your Maj

Any sign of my prawns yet? No? Humpph!

Well I have been meaning to add some slapstick to the mix. Can we decorate for halloween yet?

Meeeeooowwwt! Let meeeeeeeeeeooooooowwwt!

Swaaaaaaaiiiiiiiine!

GGGggrrrrrrrr