If mumsnetters were all Enid Blyton characters....

[welliemum]

.... what would we post about?

Chat: My children have just been kidnapped again by international jewellery thieves. I do hope they are rescued in time for tea.

Behaviour/development: My daughter is athletic, assertive and extremely capable at everything she sets her hand to. I am so worried about her. How can I get her to wear a dress and simper like her darling cousin Anne?

Style: I have a super hat. It's blue with a bell on top. I'm thinking of teaming this with a red jumper and a yellow scarf, any thoughts?

[slowreader]

to be honest mb I think your son's main problem is that he spends too much time in a shed.

[slowreader]

Malory Towers has rather short terms but I think owner could probably arranged extra coaching with some mad old loser in the hols. Probably on small island with high crime rate and perilous coast so she would need a trusty dog, rowing boat and friendly fisher boy.
Possibly a more simple soln. would be to keep new baby in cupboard under stairs. I have heard Enid B did this with her children and they came to no harm. Hope this helps.

[AuldAlliance]

Education: there are two Mam'zelles at my daughter's school, a fat, jolly one and a thin, pinched-lipped one whose hairpins deserve to be pulled out with a big magnet and who needs a bucket of water to be put on her classroom door so it drenches her when she comes in. How can I ensure that my daughter gets to have classes with the fat, jolly one? The thin one never laughs when the impish but lovable pupils play tricks on her. She seems to think they should be learning French or some such nonsense.

Pets: my daughter's darling horse has colic. Is there a handy gypsy encampment or travelling circus nearby so that a swarthy, earringed foreigner to whom I would otherwise never condescend to speak can give advice on keeping the horse walking around all night, thus saving its life? Getting free veterinary advice from the oppressed is so much simpler than asking a professional.

[slowreader]

Cannot advise re French mam'zelles but there is a weird man in a cave called Tammylan who may be able to help with DDs horse.

[stleger]

Tammylan is a queer fish, bit of an odd fellow don't you think? Frightfully good with animals though.

[AuldAlliance]

All this is making me feel sad and nostalgic.

We used to have a hysterical record of Five on Kirrin Island (or some such title), where the jolly bunch chanted 'we're going to find the ingots, we're going to find the ingots'. It was hilariously camp. Someone 'borrowed' it to sample it for some record he was going to storm the world with (yeah, right).

Don't suppose anyone has a copy they could record for me? It had a lovely picture of the Five and their dog to colour in on the back.

[welliemum]

So do modern Enid Blytons feature golliwogs????

I come from a very pinko liberal family so I was quite aware of racism from a young age, but it never ever occurred to me that golliwogs had anything to do with black people. I was when this was pointed out to me (I think I was a teenager).

[MrsSchadenfreude]

My name is Mrs Kirrin. I strongly suspect that my husband has Aspergers, my daughter dresses like a bull dyke and my sister treats me like an unpaid childminder. I find the stress of all this is affecting the taste of my home made ginger beer. A friend of mine has suggested relief from "Those Dreadful Children" might be forthcoming in the form of "The Put Em Rights", a band of ghastly smug middle class children who go round putting everyone's life to rights.

What do you think?

[Greensleeves]

AuldAlliance you are a STAR, you are making me snort coffee

[MrsSchadenfreude]

I read an Enid Blyton book as a child called "The Three Golliwogs". As far as I can remember, they were called Golly, Nigger and Wog (I had a very old copy of the book as it had come from one of my cousins), but now they appear to be called Wiggie, Waggie and Wollie (according to a review on Amazon). But I don't think it is actually in print any more. I stand to be corrected on the names, but remember being shocked when I read it in the 70s, and it is something that has stuck in the dark recesses of my mind.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Greensleeves]

Whoa!!!! That is BAD!!!!!!!!!!

I remember one story about a little boy called Willie who had his leg broken and a gaping peck wound from a swan, the story was all about how it was his own silly fault for teasing animals

And another story (even further back in the niffy bowels of my mind) about a whole village wich was dominated by this fearsome character called the "Spanking Man" who lived in a little house on the edge of the village, whenever anyone did anything wrong they had to pay him a visit

That woman was disturbed, wasn't she, really. But the Faraway Tree books are great, with a bit of parental editing

[DarrellRivers]

Feeling depressed: my DH has lost all our money and we are no longer able to afford living in our swanky house in the town and so my family is going to have to go to live on a farm in the middle of no-where and I will have to muck out the cows and make hearty teas for the farm workers, when all i want is to waft around in floaty dresses and wear make up.
Relationships/What is worse I will have to be living on the next farm to my dreadful BIL adn SIL who I have nothing in common with.
Education/and my DCs will have to go to the local comp rather than a private school
Do you think they will ever pass their exams and go to uni?

Can't remember the name of these books, anyone remember please

[Blandmum]

was the first one the family at red roofs?

[Greensleeves]

Mistletoe Farm, was it? Was the mother a prissy type who liked nice dresses and sitting on committees? I remember how sad it was at the end when she got up and put her apron on and cooked bacon for her husband with a wan smile. I remember thinking how sad it was that thy ahd finally broken her spirit

Was the little boy called Roddy, and the girl called Melisande - can't remember the name of the other boy. Roddy wanted a puppy and wasn't alowed one so he ran away to his uncle's farm (Holly Farm) where he had high tea and was cosseted by Dorcas the cook
Is that the one?

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Greensleeves]

No, I have an unusual memory

In fact I abridged it a bit because I was embarassed - I can actually remember chunks of text too

[DarrellRivers]

Yes Roddy and Melisande who was also a bit flowery and used hand cream and when the boy who her girl cousin fancied came( who could ride horses jolly well) , he fancied Melisande more because she was pretty rahter than girl cousin who could ride any horse, so she became more feminine.
Another harsh lesson I thought

[Whizzz]

my fave - Valley of Adventure

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Blandmum]

and didn't some of the kids tease her and call her Smellysande....or am I making that up out of wishful thinking?

[Whizzz]

LOL at the review for this

[Greensleeves]

It was her little brother who did that - Smellisande! and she burst into tears and ran upstairs

[DarrellRivers]

Yes I remember the mother was ideologically opposed to high tea, (lord knows what she would make of a turkey twizzler now) but on this day she had to make food for all the workers at the farm
And she tried to have a party with the few remaining funds that they had, and the DH sent the caterers van back