Do you think you'll help your children financially when they are grown up?

[emkana]

Or will you spend the money on yourself?

My parents helped us with the purchase of our house and also with other bits and bobs, for which I am very grateful.

If we are doing well in later years I fully intend to do the same for our children - but from a discussion I heard recently on Jeremy Vine it seems not everybody agrees with me there.

What do you all think - should your children cope by themselves, or will you help them if you have the means?

I was in the lucky position that my parents did help me. However I always paid my way too IYKWIM. When my grandparents died there was a small amount of money, which I invested (aged 14) thinking that when that 5 year invest finished I would have enough for a car - which I did. So then I reinvested the captial, took the interest and bought a fiesta I sold that car to go travelling (no help from parents) Then when it matured again, I spent some of teh interst on a ring (which I wear everyday!) and put the rest aside for a hour deposit. I had also been given over the years M&S shares, Shell shares and another bunch of shares (cannt remember what)

When I cam eot buy my first house I sold most of my shares, £8000 and was about to cash in the inhertance when my dad offered me the additional £4k needed for the deposit. That investment in me then has meant 13 years on DH and I live in a lovely house and don't have a silly mortgage and those shares/investments I was able to keep are still my rainy day fund (or my kids house deposits )

My parents also paid for my entire wedding (about £10K) and every so often they give us a nice big cheque.

They also helped with childcare costs when we struggled, but that help meant I had to ask each month for the money and provide a recipt. that total sum (about £8k) will come out of any future inheritance.

However they do this as they try to give us as much now as they can to avoid inhertance tax (they are both mid 70's)

So I suppose what I am saying is that they did what I hope to be able to do for my kids. They made me get a paper round at 13 (well I wanted more clothes, I had to earn the money!!) But when they had seen that I had saved my grandmothers inheritance for 12 years for that house deposit - they gave me the money instead. This has meant I never rely on them, I never ask either, and when it is given with love I am happy to take and put aside for when I or my kids need it

probably not much, no. We, and siblings, haven't been helped with house purchases or large cash gifts and as we're tied into a ridiculous mortgage for a crappy house and will probably face uni fees, I don't see where all this spare cash is going to come from.

And I certainly don't expect my kids to support me either.

"I could honestly say that people's success to date has been almost directly proportional to their parental wealth and support."

agree with cloudhopper

I don't think we would give them money etc as adults, not unless we came into an unexpectedly large amount of money which we would share out.

What we are, and will do, is to help them as much as possible up to leaving university. We have saved modest amounts for each child since they were born, and they will have this money when they are 21. We will also try to fund them as much as possible through university. The deal then will be if we haven't totally funded them, their investments at age 21 can be used to pay off that debt. If we have managed to totally fund them through uni, that money is theirs to do with as they choose.

But after that they are on their own financially, unless they are unfortunate enough to hit really tragic circumstances.

For example, we won't fund any of our children's weddings, although we will of course give them gifts or a contribution. I think it's much more worthwhile if the couple fund it themselves, and it concentrates the mind of what is important or necessary.

I know so many people who take parental support for granted, frittering away their own money then going to mum and dad knowing they will get a hand-out.

I am heartened reading this thread, and quite surprised at how much parents have actually helped their grown up children. It is true my mother(when she was alive) helped me a lot (lots of small handouts, as she wasn't wealthy and had no large sums of capital).

My husband's parents on the other hand did have a lot more spare capital at their disposal. Dh is an only child, so no other family. In the 25 years I have known dh, his parents have rarely helped us out - all deposits for houses, cars, childcare costs etc we have met ourselves. We have borrowed a few houndred pounds off them occasionally and always paid it back.

Late last year MIL gave us £3,000 on the advice of her accountant. This is the first time(I think) that we have ever had a cash gift from dh's side of the family. Recently we were also given their old car. About 20 years ago they paid for a new kitchen, but this was out of dh's inheritance from his grandmother.

I think dh's parents have never really seen why they should offer dh any financial support. dh left home when he was 16 to join the navy. He was relatively well paid in his late teens and twenties while he was in the navy. I think his parents just got out of the habit of assuming he might need their support. But I think it's a great shame they did not offer to help pay for training or further education when dh was in his thirties as IMO he did need their support then. It could have helped him up the career ladder just when he (and I) needed it most.

If I have the means when I am older, I will keep a closer watch on my children's financial situation as it changes through time.

personally i won't be handing over any hard saved money to my 21 year old DDs (just 16m and nearly 3 at the moment!)
at 21, i would have blown it on a) designer clothes b) a holiday c) a great time.

i do however hope to help them buy their first home or whatever else is needed at the time.

re financial help i've been very lucky, but my parents are very wealthy atm.

• university was totally 100% funded (i did get summer jobs.. only term time was funded)
• deposit was paid on my first flat which i bought age 24
• contribution towards building renovation costs on 2nd and current house

we now have a lovely house worth quite a lot which we could never have afforded otherwise.
i always however have worked hard, paper round from age 12, saturday job from age 13-18 (lied about my age at 13 btw)
job straight from uni, no travelling etc etc..
we are now really struggling with childcare costs but obv that is our decision. we won't get any help there. Or help with school fees as my parents don't see this kind of thing as essential...

absolutely, my father gave me the bare minimum yet expected so much of me. i'll make my kids ride as smooth as possible without indulging them or quenching an entreprenurial spirit in them to be self sufficent.

We help out our dc if we have the means. What goes around comes around and one day dh and I may be dependent on them. Never forget, your children will be the ones who choose your retirement home!

Yes. Money isn't important enough to become a controlling factor in relationships IMO - it's there to be used, to make life better, and if my money can make my children's lives better they'd be welcome to it (not that we have any anyway!). In terms of something like a deposit for a house/shopping when they are broke/furniture if they need it/support for studying, yes I would give them whatever I could afford. I think people are mistaken in thinking that it's financial indulgence that makes children lazy and spoilt.

I am trying (so far!) to teach them that working towards their goals and reaching them is its own reward; that they have it in their power to do anything they want to do, if they are prepared to put all their energies and efforts into it. I try to encourage them to be persistent and to have confidence in their own abilities, and that life is full of joy and challenges. I want them to be able to survive the inevitable bad times without going to pieces.

As far as money goes - I don't see "success" in life as being defined by a figure in the bank, so hopefully my children won't either. I think they know what my priorities are in life, and their father's and they will make their own minds up what they want to do with their lives. I want them to grow up respecting themselves and others and with a sense of responsibility towards the planet and their own contribution to it. I think that if I witheld something from them which I could easily afford to give them - a cold and unloving thing to do IMO - I would be elevating money to an inappropriate level of importance, which it doesn't merit IMO. It's a tool to be used, that's all.

I think one of the only things my children could do that would really sadden and disappoint me would be to become soulless stressed-out wage slaves with nothing in their lives beyond the pursuit of wealth and material "success". I would find that quite difficult to understand. I think denying them financial or any other kind of support on principle would be more likely to drive them towards that sort of life.

Oh dear, I rambled again

I am so glad most people on this thread aren't hung up about money and most of us broadly agree. It's cheered me up actually, I was expecting lots of "they can learn to do a hard day's work for a hard day's pay, they'll not get a penny from me" attitudes!

We have decided to put away our endowment (due out in about 5 years) for DD use.. She is only just 3..

The reason we have done this is because DH is already 45, and I am currently a SAHM we in all probability will not be in a position to afford to help her out when she is 18+ (DH hopes to have retired or at least scaled down by then)...

So if we put the money aside now she should get some help through uni (if she goes) or deposit for house etc.

We both got help from our parents and would like to be in a position to do the same...

Isn't that what being a parent is about...
That and endless cuddles of course...

Fab post Greeny.

cheers!

Well we spent our kids' college fund on buying this house so I don't suppose we'll be helping them much financially! But it is a house for life with good schools and nice neighbourhood etc so they'll benefit from that I guess.

I also think in the long term that parents not offering support to the next generation might actually harm to family finances. All the interest we have paid on loans and mortgages (some of our borrowing was at a really high rate when we were struggling) must have been at a higher interest rate than the interest accumulating on my PILs savings.

I sort of agree Tigermoth, but I think that that many of our parents have retirement incomes that our generation can only dream of. Many of us haven't started families until we are in our 30s, so we will be heading somewhere towards retirement at the stage our children are starting their own families. I have to say that I'm personally amazed at how many people feel that they will have lump sums to pass to their children. Are we also expecting our children to return the favour, so if we give them a deposit when they are say 25 (and we're 55), that they will pay our care bills when they're 55 (and we're 85)? Or would they be passing down the cash?

Of course I would try and help my children if they were in a hole, assuming that I'm not hugely in the mire myself. I'm just wandering what other posters are assuming their post retirement earnings are going to be (in today's money equivalent say). Many of my friends have not that much in their pension pots and most of us are on defined contribution schemes and not the generous defined benefit schemes that our parents were on. I suspect that in our 50s many of us will desparately trying to top up pensions to avoid being burdens on our children later. Unless of course our parents unexpectedly pass on huge inheritances!

Obviously it is different if you are ringfencing the money now, and saving regularly for your children (hopefully you're also saving for your own pensions), but the discussion is probably pretty academic if you're going to be living on £100 per week for 20+ years in retirement.

But to be fair Ladymuck, most of us are talking about attitude and principle rather than predicting our financial futures - we are saying that whatever money we could afford would be available to our children if they needed it. It's more a case of believing that people/relationships are more important than money, and that families should always support one another where possible.

I don't see people here assuming that there will be vast lump sums lying about. I certainly didn't say that.

What I and others did say however, about having the general intention and willingness to use whatever money we have to support our families where needed seems to be directly at odds with your own comment: "Well I definitely want my children to be financially independent from me. It is a definite part of their journey to adulthood, and I'm not sure that they'll be real men until they achieve it." That's very different from saying "Well, I don't think we'll have the money to give, but I would give it if I could". Your post definitely indicates that you would object on principle to helping out your adult children financially and would think less of them for needing such support.

I think it's rather sad that your opinion of your children's maturity, independence and worth as adults will be so firmly linked to their money-making ability. I don't feel that way about my children, or myself, or people generally - and I don't want my sons to either.

Selective quoting Greeny? Ignoring "I am sure that we will also give generous gifts from time to time", and "I would try and help my children if they were in a hole, assuming that I'm not hugely in the mire myself".

But yes, I would feel that I had failed my children if they couldn't find a way to manage without financial support from me. That is very different statement from saying that I would never give them gifts or help them out. It is more about ensuring that the next generation will survive after my death. Yes, we would love to give them money, but we would also want them equipped to survive if that opportunity cannot happen.

And it is not so much about money-making ability per se, but the ability to cope with what they have (or indeed have not). Which has also been echoed by others on the thread.

I'd like to be able to assuming we're in a position to do so
am sure they wouldn't expect anything as I dont expect anyting from my own parents. anything is a surprise and very much welcomed!

Totally agree Waswondering, tha's what being a parent is all about imo.

But to the few people that think children need financial independence to "make something of themselves", that is wrong.

At the risk of sounding like one of the four Yorkshiremen, I have never had a penny from my parents, over about the age of 14, other than emergency loans which were all paid back.

I always worked, saved or got my own debt. But I watched the life options of so many of my peers open up, while I headed straight from university into a rubbish job to pay the bills and the debts. As soon as the debts were paid off, we had the children.

The main reason we didn't buy a house before the boom years was because we couldn't get rid of the millstone of student debt hanging round us, and it was just too risky as too much of our income already went out in fixed repayments.

I can't blame my parents because they never had anything to give really at that stage, but I know how much harder it is to struggle from zero. I would do anything to avoid my daughters getting into that same situation, and would urge others to do the same.

I was really sensible, worked hard, but starting from a financial black hole is very very hard, and soul destroying at times.

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but yes, if I can afford to help my children financially, I'm sure I will.

I didn't take anything off my own parents until just recently, but they have given me rather a lot of money in the last couple of years which has been a fantastic help.

very good post, cloudhopper. dh and I didn't have the same pressure with student loans and booming house prices, as we met in the 1980s. I know it is getting more and more difficult for twenty and thirtysomethings to get on the housing ladder, so therefore more and more people will look to their families for help.

I still find it diffucult to reconcile how my PILS could have been so hands off when they knew I was working so hard for a couple of years as sole breadwinner to pay the mortgage, support dh and ds1. I suffered mentally and physically - got really stressed, lost over a stone in weight. My PILS knew I was working alternate 6 day and 7 day weeks, yet never sat us down and talked to us about our finances.