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Original poster

Do you think you'll help your children financially when they are grown up?

129 replies

emkana · 16/02/2007 21:13

Or will you spend the money on yourself?

My parents helped us with the purchase of our house and also with other bits and bobs, for which I am very grateful.

If we are doing well in later years I fully intend to do the same for our children - but from a discussion I heard recently on Jeremy Vine it seems not everybody agrees with me there.

What do you all think - should your children cope by themselves, or will you help them if you have the means?

OP posts:
Frizbe · 16/02/2007 22:02

Cripes, I'm kinda hoping they'll help out us but failing that I'm guessing it may well be the other way round......(I'm sure dd1 with her Mariah Carey impersinations may well be able to fund us )
I have friends in their 30's still being helped out by their parents......mind you my mum would help me out if she thought I needed it too.

Tortington · 16/02/2007 22:03

god no - well the odd £50 or £100 with the " mum i'm skint and we have no food and the leccy bills in" but not every time

all my disposable income is mine all mine - and if i've done my job properly they will be in a sound position themseles to be able to start their adult lives in a better place financially than its took me 20 years to be.

i have no equity or savings but if i did it would afford me a better lifestyle not them. they can fight about it when i'm dead.

ScummyMummy · 16/02/2007 22:08

If I can and they need it and don't take the piss then yes.

Linnet · 16/02/2007 23:29

If we can afford it I think dh and I will help our dd's if they need it, but at the same time encourage their independance.

I have never had any help from my parents, well that's not strictly true my mum loaned me money for the deposit on a rented flat once.

My dad has never offered anything and I wouldn't ask. I'm a bit miffed at my dad though because my brother is going through a tough time just now having been abandoned with his baby son by his girlfriend/baby's mother and is in dire financial straits waiting on all paperwork to be completed before he can get any money. I've been helping my brother out as best I can with money for electric/gas/food etc but my dad hasn't even offered to send him some money to help tide him over, which I think is really bad as he isn't short of money and could spare some to see his son and grandson not starve.
My dad however has opened bank accounts for all 4 of his grandchildren which he pays into for their future.

themoon66 · 16/02/2007 23:35

DD is only in 2nd year of university and has all but wiped out any savings we had already. She has another year. Then, DS will want to go. I'm seriously worried that we cannot afford to send DS to university, which will be such a shame as he is the clever one by far.... straight As so far.

GhostOfMumsnet · 16/02/2007 23:36

yes definately.

Busybean · 16/02/2007 23:43

If we can afford to yes, but bare minimum(other than inheritance from their grandad which should be enough by then to buy car/have lessons/help with uni)
I dont mind helping out as weve done everything ourselves and its a real struggle most of the time, but I wouldnt be too pro active about it tbh as Ive seen how its fared dps cousin-hes been carried for the last few years and tbh i cant wait to see him fall on his arse a bit as he thinks hes something special(only due to fact skint oparents have bought him last three cars, they paid for lessons/they bought him some house stuff for rented place/they give free childcare)
I want to help, but at the same time, they need to appriciate not having much and strive to better themselves

Twinklemegan · 16/02/2007 23:47

Yes I definitely would if I could afford to. My parents have helped out DH and me a fair bit in recent years, they're reasoning being that many things are a lot tougher these days, what with the huge rise in house prices and the like. I have often felt, though, that in a way they feel that this gives them the right to "comment" on the way we do things. I don't know if this is fair on my part, but it's how I feel. I hope I wouldn't make my DS feel that way.

2nervesleft · 16/02/2007 23:52

Certainly. My parents have always been there for me and I intend to do the same for my two. I am currently planning how to deal with their uni fees and other expenses. I will expect them to have jobs to pay for their own beer though

I sort of think it will be my job to help where I can because I received this help myself, only in a small way but significant none the less.

3andnomore · 17/02/2007 00:02

with yo emkana..my mother, sadly, isn't able to help out as such, but does try to spoil the Kids as much as she finacially can...and my Inlaws they have helped us so much, and I shall forever be greatful! I know financially they can, and aslso that that will taken of the amount that we may one day inherit, which is fine, and I don't mind or care...all I know is that I appreciate their help so, so much! And will grateful for that forever!

3andnomore · 17/02/2007 00:04

and yes I do hope that we will eb in the positions to help our children out when they need it!

yeahinaminute · 17/02/2007 00:12

It's a no brainer for me - of course we will - what's the point of giving everything you have to Messrs Blair and Brown when you can make a tax free "gift" (that's if we have anything left by then of course) of £3,000 pa per child and double that for grandchildren .... you work for it - you're taxed at least twice - bollocks - give it to the kids!

We have seriously thought about selling the house, shares, bonds EVERYTHING - going in to somewhere rented and gifting the kids and potential grandchildren the maximum we can every year just so as the poxy government doesn't take our hard earned wealth from us!

Caligula · 17/02/2007 01:40

If I can, of course.

Why would I want to see my children struggling and trapped?

I hope I won't have to though - I'm rather hoping they'll help me out.

(Gawd made man to 'elp support his children...
Which is the right and proper fing to do...
But wiv a little bit o' luck, wiv a little bit of luck
They'll grow up and start supporting you

Wiv a little bit of luck
Wiv a little bit of luck
Wiv a little bit of bloomin' luck)

SparklyGothKat · 17/02/2007 01:49

no, because DS wants to work in computers or web design and when he makes lots of money he can pay for us to go on holiday!! and he has promised DH a porshe car when he makes his first million lol!!!

Gingerbear · 17/02/2007 07:46

hehehe Caligula

Alfred Doolittle I presume? Didn't 'Enry 'Iggins make him a millionaire in the end though, not Eliza?

(My Fair Lady geekiness.....)

Kaz33 · 17/02/2007 08:02

It's tricky with money comes responsbility, my parents have always used there money to buy their own way. Gifts of money for things you didn't even want, that you never asked for. Most of their financial intervention has been quite harmful and stopped me from standing on my own two feet.

They are setting up pensions for the boys and I must admit that I am a bit wary of the whole thing. They will end up getting a huge sum when they are 50, by which time no doubt we will all be dead so they will have inherited a lot of money as well. Not sure that is really in their best interests.

tigermoth · 17/02/2007 09:23

We will definitely help our sons if we can, assumming they need it and an are not taking the piss (as scummymummy so rightly put).

One thing I will do is help with childcare costs if I cannot directly look after my grandchildren. If, for instance, one son and his family live nearby me so I can be hands on, but the other son and his family live a long way away, I hope to give the furthest away son more money for childcare. Over the years, dh and I have had to spend a lot on incidental childcare because we have no family nearby to do school pick ups, holiday cover, evening babysitting etc.

Another thing I will do as a grandparent is be proactive in offering to give. I think this is really important. I will not wait to be asked, if I know either of my sons are going through a lean patch.

My mother was very generous with her financial help and we really depended on her when my ds1 was younger. My inlaws were much better off but never offered financial help, even when they knew my dh (their son) was temporarily out of work, very depressed and I was doing two jobs, working 6 or 7 days a week, and really tired all the time. For christmas and birthdays they used to give us pictures - very nice but not what we needed. I am sure if we had asked, they would have given, as they are fair people, but they took my dh's silence on the matter to mean that we were stuggling but ok.

Marscentio · 17/02/2007 09:26

I was rather hoping that they would help me!!!

grouchyoscar · 17/02/2007 09:35

I am saving in tax free bonds for Ds and I intend to put it towards the deposit for a house. If I get used to doing that from CB and CTCs now, the Uni fees will be covered when I return to work.

I really want to provide for him. I left home under difficult circumstance at 17. All I had to take with me fit into 3 black bin liners. I NEVER want that for DS.

Bekks · 17/02/2007 09:44

I am saving for dd, but I haven't really worked out what to do with it - university? house deposit? give it to her to fritter away on drink and drugs?! I would probably like it to go on a deposit for a house, but then that might mean withholding it til her mid 20s or even more, which doesn't seem quite right. Although I guess that it depends on my financial situation at the time and whether I can support her through university without dipping into it. I think I can't quite work out whether it's totally her money or whether it's mine for her to do what I want!

I was completely financially independent from my parents until I was in my 30s and now they've started to give me bits of money / their old car etc. We're in some sort of battle of wills I think, I cook them dinner / buy concert tickets / do some shopping for them and won't take any money, so my dad gets my car serviced and won't let me pay! It reminds me of exactly the same thing with my mum and my grandma arguing over 50p for shopping when I was little!

DrunkenSailor · 17/02/2007 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Chandra · 17/02/2007 09:53

I think I would preffer for DS to learn to fight his way through in life, we would do if we are able, but I wouldn't like him to expect/count on that, just in case we are not there to provide it.

bran · 17/02/2007 09:54

I think I will definitely be quite generous towards ds with capital expenditure (eg deposit for a house etc) and education expenses, but I'd be reluctant to hand over loads of cash to be frittered. It's tough to strike the correct balance I think, I don't want to prevent ds from learning to be responsible with money. Nothing teaches the importance of planning and budgeting as well as running out of money and having to do without, but the reality is that we are comfortable enough for that to never happen unless I restrict the amount of money that I give.

My maternal grandfather was wealthy and very generous, he gave my parents a plot of land to build a house on and when they have finished building he paid off the mortgage. But he was a Methodist and very simple in his ways, he had a strong dislike of 'flashness' and profligacy and so he would never have just given cash for his children to fritter away. I think it's a pretty good standard to aim for, to be generous with what you have but not unthinking about what you do with the money.

Cloudhopper · 17/02/2007 10:03

Absolutely. I have given up all hope of escaping wage slavery myself, and so my only hope is that I can get the next generation into a better situation.

When I look around at how people got on after university, I could honestly say that people's success to date has been almost directly proportional to their parental wealth and support.

Not having student debts, having help with a deposit on a house, travelling, training post grad on your career. All these things give a great hand up to twenty-somethings.

I fully intend to pay for as much as I can, even if I end up living on cold baked beans. I think for me this definitely fits into the category of "I never had this and want my children to".

saltire · 17/02/2007 10:06

My mum and step dad contributed a lot towards our wedding, DH's parents didn't. On odd occasions when we have needed it my step dad has loaned us money (for example the cooker went in our house, which we rent out, and the tenant had nothing to cook with) but we always pay it back. MIL and step PIL have never given us anything, even when DH asked them once for a loan, however they regularly give BIL and his wife money. PIL and step MIL have never given anything at all, but SIL who is 19 has just moved into a flat with her boyfriend, she was given £15,000 towards the deposit, a further £6,000 to help her buy things and her mum takes shopping round. Step MIL justifies it by saying "They are just starting out", and "she's my daughter, and PIl's, you (DH) aren't my son".
So, in answer to the OP, then if i can i will help my children, they don't have trust funds set up, but so much of the child benefit goes into an account for them, I will defiantely try and help them out as much as i can, both of them, not just one

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