Am so cross and sad - He is such a W****tr!!! (V.long beware!!)

[Twinkie]

Right a big whinge coming up but cause I am pregnant and have held of whinging about the stupid f**r for so long I really feel as though I deserve a right royal whinge!!

X2b decided ages ago that we would not go through all the rigmarole of filling in financial statements to reach a settlement for the divorce but would be honest about liabilities and assets and reach an agreement privately.

Well this was all going well until last Friday when he phoned to say that his solicitor (and we are talking the most incompetent solicitor in the world) has now told him that it would be best for his interests that we do produce financial statements. As it goes it wouldn?t as I was willing to swallow certain debts myself without getting him involved ? now they will be exposed and split between us as they are debts accrued when we were married!!

I am just fed up that after 6 weeks of going through all this he has now changed the goal posts. Now I have to fill in this bloody form which may as well be in Turkish for all I can understand it and now I have to go to the bank and ask for statements and loan agreements and such like when it?s the last thing I feel like doing.

I know he is doing it because he suspects I am pregnant (well done there!!) and thinks that now he won?t have to pay me anything ? he constantly goes on before I was pregnant that I must be DPs common law and so he must have to pay me something now ? we aren?t married or getting a divorce so I don?t know why DP has got dragged into this?? As far as I am aware I have no financial claim on anything of DPS so this shouldn?t have any bearing on the divorce!! I even spoke to my solicitor about what effect my being pregnant had on everything and she said very little ? as I had DD with me he had to provide monies so that I could always keep a roof over her head and make sure she was cared for (and as he has so far still not paid any CS contributions I don?t know how he expects me to do this!!) ? me being pregant actually is quite a small fact in everything she said and I should still be able to claim and get 50% at least of everything ? so why all of a sudden has he changed his tune with regards to having legal eagles (or lame ducks in his case) involved!!

It just means that everything will take much longer and cost both of us much more ? me more than him because my solicitor is on the ball and we are constantly having to send out letters reminding his solicitor of things that they are supposed to do and when. For example when they send the divorce petition signed to the court they also have to send a form to my solicitor and the court saying when the petition was signed and received by the court. Well they signed the form but did not date it so now the court are refusing to give us a date for the decree nisei meaning that we are back to resubmitting the original petition, hoping that they are not that incompetent that they make the same mistake twice.

I now have to take a day off of work when I can least afford to and go and spend a few hours going through my papers making sure that they say the right thing and all of the figures are right (which they won?t be I have number dyslexia I think!!) so that in itself is going to cost me £160 for the privilege of checking the form.

I am just so bloody fed up with it all and I know he is going to be an arse about everything ? I know he is going to try and stop me getting half the equity on the house and any sort of compensation for 7 years of belongings of which he kept (he let me have a quilt and half a dinner service and kept everything else!!) as well as everything I ever bought for DD (toys/clothes/high chair/push chair/shoes/cot/Moses basket) which he sold at a boot sale and kept the proceeds ? he didn?t even ask if I wanted any of her clothes from when she was tiny or her first pair of shoes or anything ? just flogged the lot!!

If you have read this lot thanks and sorry to rant on he just makes me want to burst into tears ? but with my boss already thniking I am potty it would not go down too well!!

Gimme an A!
Gimme an R!
Gimme an S!
Gimme an E!
Put them together and what have you got...?

Hello Twinkie. Now take a deep breath and calm down.

Whether or not you are pregnant or living with dp makes no difference to your child support or the proceeds from your joint property. It would only matter if you were to ask for alimony and that's something that doesn't really happen in this country.

It sounds to me as if he is shooting himself in the foot. Yes, it will take longer, and yes, you will pay more in legal fees but you will get the debts you mention involved in the settlement so you should come out on top, shouldn't you?

Take the blessed forms down to your solicitor's and get them to help you fill them in. They're used to it. And while you're there, why not ask if they can threated ex's solicitors with charging them for your costs incurred by their incompetence and slowness?

He is trying to upset you. Don't let him succeed. He can't touch you, you've got dp, dd, your new little bump, your life. Pity him.

Thanks Mum - you sound just like DP - he says we are happy don't really need the money and have DD and bump and each other and why let him worry me - I think it is just the fact that I know that he is getting pleasure outof pissing me off and I don;t want him to get any sort of pleasure from me agin - the nasty little weasel faced twat

Am hopefully seeing solicitor on Monday and so should have at least a ball park figure to ask him for by then - he is going to regret ever fucking me about I can tell you - GGGGGRRRRR!!!

And do you know he has even been telling DD not to call DP Daddy ***, saying he is not her daddy - DD made the decision what to call him herself and we have never pressured her and DP is more of a dad than he will ever be/has ever been when it comes to spending time with her and doing stuff with her - even now x2b dumps her with his parents of the stepmonster and still goes about his own busimess!! - What a FUCKER EH!!

Hey Twinkie, yes, he's a fucker but you're happy and the best revenge is living well. Fwiw I wouldn't trust him to do any of it without solicitors involved anyway - it seems unlikely you'd get full disclosure without it so this may all be for the best. The best way to get to him is to not let him see he is getting to you. Tell your dd she can call dp whatever she likes, because it's true, she can. Don't rise to it, fill in the forms and forget about it, Janstar's right. Just think about his sad life and your lovely one (and you've GOT DD living with you, remember!!) and don't give him the satisfaction of pissing you off. He's not worth it.

Channel that anger girl, make the shitbag pay for messing you about. All forms look like gobbledygook when first looked at, read through them a few times and they will make sense. DO NOT let this worm effect your pregnancy or life in general any more than he has to.

Remember: to him, for what you will be doing when its all over and is his face when he gets his bill, ha!

oh Twinkie, please calm down babe. It's not good for you and it's not good for your baby.

He is an utter arse and he will never try and make life easier for you. The only reason he wanted to reach a settlement "amicably" was that he probably thought that way he could screw you over.
He is without doubt very jealous that you now have a great life with your dp and your dd and he'll do everything he can to screw it up in anyway he can.
I know it's very near impossible, but you HAVE to stop letting him get to you.

TBH, I think you will benefit financially from full disclosure, and I agree, get your solicitor to claim the extra costs for delays due to his solicitor's incompetence. You will probably get it PLUS you will make them much more likely to do it properly next time.
And yes, he's wrong. You should still get the lion's share of the equity from the house - it's got nothing to do with who you live with. And he will still have to pay for his daughter. So don't worry and don't let him get you riled. "Leave it, Twinkie, 'e's not worth it!"

Thanks all feel a bit better after your kind messages and a hug and a rose spritzer with DP - am now sitting here eating a filet of fish and fries (and I never eat potatoes!!) - this DS so takes after DP!!

Have looked at form again and just need to have acool head and a solicitor present I think and can do this - repeat after me I can do this, I can do this I can do this.............

OO you crak me up - I love the new emoticons and will most certainly in his face as soon as this is all over!!

Oh he did brag to me the other day that he has been seeing someone for = wait for it - 2 months!!! - Poor woman do you think I should hunt her down and tell her what an utter t*Er he is??

Oh Twinkie, sorry to hear he's being arsey again, but no surprises there really. Don't let him spoil your happiness.

If he wants to move the goalposts, then so can you. when you re-submit the petition, include a claim for costs. That way the court may order him to pay all the costs of the divorce, and you can continue in this vein for other matters, such as financial settlement and contact.

Men (sorry tom/jmg1 etc.) can be soooo dumb sometimes. When I was getting divorced from my first husband, the same thing happened. We had worked out a pretty fairish settlement and then his lawyer suggested that we base the agreement on my actual earnings instead of projected earnings. Stupid dumbdumb. He hadn't bothered to research how much architects earn and hadn't really calculated that since I was still at uni and not due to graduate for another 1.5 years and then only expected to earn a relatively small amount (far less than had been put into the calculations for my projected earnings). I had only agreed to the projected earnings calc in order to get things done more quickly, so agreed to do it his lawyer's way. My ex eventually realized that his lawyer had negotiated a worse deal for him and fired him.

Can you believe this - after all my fretting and worrying about filling inthe damn form I realised that the paperwork he gave me was not sufficient for him to fill in his form (He let me look at his stuff when we were agreeing between ourselves) - no 12 months of bank statements, no 3 months of wage slips and no actual proof of how much 2 of his pensions were - no proper valuation in writing of the house and I know he got a £500 bonus from work but did not put that on the form either!! - so basically his form is lacking ina huge way!!

So Wednesday night I rang him and left a message asking if he was just submitting what he gave me or if he had filled in a form properly?? - he is just submitting what he gave me which means I am not sure what to do - half of me thinks fill in my form properly and get all fo the paperwork I need and half of me thinks just give him proof of the things I need to - I really don;t want him seeing credit card statements and bank statements because I know he will show them to the world and his wife and his family will think I am a frivolous heartless bitch cause I actually shop in the high street rather than the bargain basement (although I shop there too sometimes!!).

Iknow I shouldn;t care what they think about me but I do at the end of the day and want them to realise that I am due some compensation and am not just fleecing their son (although I will take great pleasure in squeezing every last drop I can get out of him now!!)

So what do I do - only give as much as he has given to his solicitor or give them everything so at least I do it properly??

To top it off when he phoned back to tell me that he had only given his solicitor so much he started saying 'why the f*ck do you have to keep bothering me and asking me how to do things' - I wasn;t asking him how to do it I was just checking that he had done it the right way or just the slap dash way he had normally done things - cause in my state I am not running around trying to get everything if he can;t be arsed to do the same!! - he went on and on swearing and ranting at me and then put the phone down on me - iof I weren't pregant I would have smoked 20 fags and downed a nice bottle fo wine - but I burst out crying instead!! - Then had a horrid dream that I was back with him and he wouldn;t let me see DP and wouldn;t believe I was pregnant and kept pawing me and it was horrifc - but woke up from that and drove into someones car ont he way to the station - SO AT PRESENT LIFE SUCKS!!

Oh Twinkie,
Your poor thing!! Calm calm calm calm calm.... are you OK after your accident?

He is most certainly a twat. And from what you say, a dumb twat at that.

Do you need to keep in contact with him prersonally? Can you not just contact through solicitors for now unless it involves DD? My brother will only talk to his ex about the children, and that is mainly by text message. Saves a lot of stress.

IMHO if you going for full disclosure, then this is what you must do. Don't be swayed by what he is doing. This is no longer really your concern as you have employed a solicitor to look after proceedings for you. He will have to dislose everything wehter he wants to now or not. so if he has not completed the form correctly he'll have to re do it. Stupid man.

Everyone on this thread is so right.. you are so far above him now. You have new life. He has nothing. He deserves no pity in my opinion.

If you are not in desperate need of the money, then please try not to let it interfere with your life. It is merely a financial and legal matter now and you should treat it as such. Do not waste an ounce more emotion on such an incompetent, ingorant bastard.

BR

Twinkie, hope you don't mind me putting my oar in.
But what a tosser.
Agree that if there is to be full disclosure then both parties will have to do that.
However, given that he has effectively told you that he won't I can see no reason why you should go to the trouble and expense of getting statements etc, not to mention disclosing information you would prefer to keep private.

I would tell your solicitor what he has said, and say that you want his written confirmation that he will be making full disclosure before you incur the expense of doing so yourself. Given that it is his idea, and what he has told you, I would say that this is entirely reasonable.

Alternatively, just fill in the form with the info you have. Don't lie or be misleading in any way, just put TBA where you don't have the info. And tell your solicitor why. And wait and see what he puts on his form (I assume there is an agreed date for the exchange of information)

I cannot understand where he is coming from at all - unless he wants more info out of you without providing it himself.

Also agree you would probably end up better off with full disclosure.

Also agree - don't discuss any financial stuff with him other than through the solicitors.

And don't let the w*** get you down - you obviously have so much more than he does.

Very very best wishes

Twinkie! You are letting him get you in a state. Just calm down, and say to yourself 'He is history, he is just an inconvenience to me now.'

Why do you care what his parents think? If you did everything you think they want you to do will that mean they go around praising you? Of course not. They will snipe and bitch about you whatever you do, so give up worrying what they think.

Does he have to see your bank statements etc? Surely this is a matter for solicitors to deal with?

DON'T phone him again unless you have to talk about arrangements for dd. All legal matters can be dealt with by solicitors. As has been noted several times on this thread, he is doing himself no favours and sounds very stupid indeed. So let your solicitor get on with arranging a fair deal for you. If he ends up paying more than he thought, his parents will be delighted that they were right all along. Let them be. Little idiots in their little world.

You probably had the accident because you were uptight and anxious about all this. You really do have to detach yourself from it. Just leave it to your solicitor. Focus on your own lovely family. Life doesn't suck really, does it? You're trying to tie up one or two loose ends from a past that is receding behind you. You are walking towards a fantastic future. What does he have?

YOUR LIFE IS GREAT! And we all know how fragile that is, so enjoy it

Agreed date is 18th Pes and no of course I don't feel like you are putting your oar in - thats what mumsnet is all about - anwser anywhere to anything!!

I just feel like as with everything he feels that he has his own set of rules - you either do full disclosure or do things privately with out the solicitor - but no he just decides to disclose what he wants without having the appropriate papers and stuff - and I really think he thinks I am going to just hand all my stuff over!!

I know it shouldn't worry me and I do need the money - I have some debts still from the court case and really would love to take maternity leave ASAP so having a little nest egg would be great and would allow me to spend a nice chunk of time with DD before I have the baby - all in all not entirely important that I get it really quickly but just makes my life easier!

And from now on I am not going to take his phonecalls but I will read his text messages and of course get my solicitor to reply to everything regarding the divorce!!

And thanks Mum - you are great - helping me put it all inperspective!!

He hass nothing other than his fortnightly visit from DD - his stupid family and my wicked family and his girlfriend (of 2 whole months he has informed me) - who will probably leave him when she realises that he is going to be a sad broke tosser for a long while yet!!

There feel a bit better now!!

Message withdrawn

Hear hear, Bloss!

He's just rung my mobile so I silenced the call!! - My heart is in my mouth - I bet he is ranting!!

So for anyone who is in an abusive relationship - GET OUT - 2 years on and my confidence when it comes to him is still soooo low!!

Listen to Bloss and Janstar and all Twinkie - you shouldn't be contacting him about the divorce at all - and he shouldn't contact you. That's what the solicitors are for. He cannot get away without full disclosure. The court will order it - but that's not your problem. That's something for the solicitors to sort out. Full financial disclosure should be confidential. He shouldn't be able to show ANYTHING To his family. You solicitor should make that very clear to him. But, hey, if he does, so what? I know it's not nice disclosing private stuff to 'the enemy' but as others have said, they won't like you anyway, so stuff them. If you suspect he has omitted income or pensions, tell your solicitor - DON'T talk to him. And refuse to take calls about ANYTHING except contact arrangements for your dd. You don't have to listen to his cr*p.

Ok Ok Ok - he just texted me to ask why I wasn;t answering my phone - so I text back saying from now on I am only speaking to him via the solicitor if he wants to speak about the divorce and via text if he wants to speak about DD due to his rudeness the other night as we now cannot obviously be amicable!!

Think he got the message - he text back saying OK and he would text me once he had his new phone that he is getting later with a new number!!

Twinkie, sorry to hear you are having a bad time with your divorce. Given I am going through the same process I know that you will both have to provide full financial disclosure. This is not just putting figures down on paper, you have to provide documentation to prove those figures that are less than 3 months old. If you suspect that your X2b is not telling the truth, then legal steps can be taken to force him to fess up.
As far as I am aware, only household items or possessions that are worth over £500 need to be listed as "assets" but double check that with your solicitor.
Good luck, I am really struggling too, it is taking me forever to get stuff from pension companies etc etc.

Bugsy - thaks for that sounds awful to say but glad someone else is going through this too and knows what they are talking about!!

I am not sure what he has that has a resale value over 500 quid but I am going to try and demand some sort of compensation for the fact that he threw me out with nothing but my clothes a duvet and half a crockery set - 7 years worth of building a home together down the drain and I don;t think he shoudl get away with that - apparently I can even get him to sell everything and split the proceeds - which is pointless as the resale value will be nxt to nothing and he would;t raise enough to buy everything he needs for a new home!! Ha ha ha!!

I just don;t get it though - he doesn;t want to go through court with regrds to a financial settlement just wants his solicitor to look things over and helop work out what is in his mind a fair figure - but surely if we are putting in the forms they have to be correct regardless as if we can;t agree they will have to go to court and so need to be complete??

Oh Bugsy - you should be able to get a pack from your pension administrators which has all the info that you need in - mine are Hewitt Bacon and Woodrow and they will send me a 'divorce pack' which has all the figures that I need on my form in!!

Mind you I have onyl had it for 6 months so the transfer value is probably nil as after admin costs there should be very little left!!