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Original poster

Is marriage good for women?

94 replies

christie1 · 05/01/2007 09:56

In the last few months I have read articles with this theme that married women don't live as long (although they have more sex) and the growing number of single women in the UK who choose not to be married. I even read recently that women with large families live at least 5 years less than those with small ones. Men who are married live longer than single men but the studies appear to suggest the same is not true for women. Now, I am always skeptical of the latest study but wonder what is driving these. Is there truth in them. I have been married almost 15 years myself and been a normal average marriage, no crisis stuff or trauma. Wouldn't trade the kids for the world but sometimes wonder where the old me went? Why all the strategies to cope with a spouse, will they wear me down in the end or is it just normal part of marriage on both sides? Just some new year midlife musings? What do you think? I don't know the answer myself. I think yes because it is good for the kids but......

OP posts:

colditz · 05/01/2007 09:59

that's exactly the reasont hat wome get worn down. It's not good for women just because it's good for the kids.

oranges · 05/01/2007 10:00

I think statistically, the quality of mens life goes up with marriage, and womens go down. ie. men eat better, are more mentally stable and have the same leisure time as before, whereas women take on more housework, eat as well as they did before but no better, and have the extra physical strain of childbearing. But none of that really relates to how 'happy' a marriage is, iyswim

colditz · 05/01/2007 10:01

In short, they leach off us.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2007 10:02

I like being married. It's done me good.

The old me was a worthless loser.

I'm glad I'm not that person any more.

Edam · 05/01/2007 10:05

Colditz is right. It's not just the latest study, there's a whole body of evidence to show married women die sooner than single women and the reverse is true for men. Thought to be because we take care of them - their health, emotional, social and physical needs.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2007 10:06

But then how is a woman's greater life expectancy achieved, given that statistically, most women are married at some point in their lives?

juuule · 05/01/2007 10:08

I like being married too. I think it's done me a world of good. And I've got a largish family so that's 5 years knocked of my life....only live till I'm 95 now then...shucks.

TheDullWitch · 05/01/2007 10:08

In endless studies, the people with the best mental health are in this order: married men, single women, married women, single men.

welshmum · 05/01/2007 10:09

I think it's unhelpful to generalise.
You probably know yourself whether, on balance, your marriage has been good for you or not.
Would the old you have changed anyway due to other pressures? Loneliness?
Wouldn't you have to have coping strategies to deal with other stuff that happened to you? I'm thinking of single friends who find themselves dealing with elderly parents, stressful working lives and so on.
In my case the children have so far easily given back as much as they've taken eg ds may have decided to yell for an hour in the night but he ran around with such glee and happiness on his face this morning that you couldn't find fault with the world.
It's the same with dh too. Ok he can be annoying sometimes but his love and support make life good

FioFio · 05/01/2007 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

oranges · 05/01/2007 10:17

A large part of being happy is having meaningful work to do, and looking after children etc is meaningful. So you can like being married while accepting that it involves more work.

Judy1234 · 05/01/2007 10:38

I was married for 19 years and now I'm single. Your mental health is also supposed to suffer as a married woman more than a single one.

The most important point though surely is that women "LET" men do this to them. In other words they are stupid and pathetic to let that happen. I don't understand the tolerance of unfairness at home that I never had (not the reason for my divorce). Why let yourself do more than your husband if you both work full time? ust don't do it but instead women do. It's that psychological issue you need to address not the marital status. Just do the sums - 2 hours on the golf course for him 2 hours at the gym for you. 2 hours ironing for both of you.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2007 10:40

'The most important point though surely is that women "LET" men do this to them. In other words they are stupid and pathetic to let that happen. I don't understand the tolerance of unfairness at home that I never had (not the reason for my divorce). '

Someone call 999, I agree 100% w/Xenia.

Faints

oranges · 05/01/2007 10:41

Funny. I was just about to agree with Xenia too. The cavaeat though is 'if both partners work full time.'

Its when women are SAHM mums or work part time, that they somehow get bamboozled into doing more than their share of housework and childcare too.

Judy1234 · 05/01/2007 10:54

Well you need to work out what is fair and you can live with. If he works 8 - 8pm and you mind children those hours then the 8pm onwards hours and weekends should be equally shared but I can't understand easily stay at home parents so I won't get into that.

I was thinking more today about the stuff in the FT about lack of women on boards and my concern that the main discrimination is really that children are seen by both peoplei n a couple as a woman's responsibility and why do people think like that. Why does even the FT today say flexible working for women is the key? Why not for men? Why aren't male directors also worrying about who minds the children because the wives tolerate the sexism. It's a very very simple issue and one we can ensure our daughters don't and I think I have with mine and somehow my parents managed it with us too.

I have to work now but the real problem for a lot of women is they think only they can do things properly, they think they are a kind of God, only they can clean a surface properly, or deal with a baby so the nappy is on just right. They need a lesson in humility in some ways or acceptance there are different ways to do things domestically.

Bugsy2 · 05/01/2007 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pruni · 05/01/2007 11:07

Message withdrawn

drosophila · 05/01/2007 11:25

I agree with Xenia but when your kids don't get fed or put to bed at a reasonable time by the man in you rlife how long would you leave it before you take on that extra chore.

To elaborate: DP is meant to cook meal for DS at about 5ish as he works from home. I get home at 6ish having picked DD up from nursery and dinner is not being cooked. I ask DP to stop working and start the dinner 'in a minute' he says. I cook meal because DS has not eaten since 12.00. DS ends up eating far too late. While I put DD to bed, DP is meant to put DS to bed at same time. It doesn't happen.

My point is that when the kids health suffers cos of inability of one parent to see what is important the other will invariably pick up the pieces. This is where they have us over a barrel I think.

expatinscotland · 05/01/2007 11:28

I'm harsh, but I'd leave a fella like that.

I mean, if he's so far up it that he's too selfish of a git to mind his own child, he's too immature for a partnership and I'd be better off on my own.

My kid, too, b/c what the hell kind of example is that?

juuule · 05/01/2007 11:33

But...the chap you leave because he's not that great at understanding young children's needs might just be the person later on who is an absolute whizz with dealing with teenagers when you can't possibly cope with them.

HappyDaddy · 05/01/2007 11:35

That dad clearly ignores the jobs because he knows you'll do them when you get in and "it wont do them any harm", in his mind.

DW and I both work full time. I do the majority of child care and housework. Does this mean that DW and I will live to the same age?

juuule · 05/01/2007 11:35

I don't mean to imply that you couldn't cope with teenagers

juuule · 05/01/2007 11:37

Happydaddy - I think that's the case,too.

oranges · 05/01/2007 11:37

BUT, after a few days, wouldn't your DP realise why your son needs to eat early? My dh always kept forgetting to feed ds when looking after him, but soon realised that made him grumpy, and is now great at organising his meals. I just REFUSED to stride in and deal with the consequences of a hungry baby. (and ds is such a daddy's boy now its untrue)

Bugsy2 · 05/01/2007 11:39

Drosophila, what would happen if you didn't do it? My kids would be kicking off bigtime if they hadn't eaten for 6 hours. They would be vile & unbearable. Can't you just send your DS up to daddy? In fact my two would be unbearable after 4 or 5 hours. How is it your DP can ignore the whining & whinging for the hour that you are not there?

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