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Original poster

What do YOU think about people who have affairs?

123 replies

Twiglett · 06/11/2006 12:40

Have been watching another thread and would like to have a discussion about this without the finger seeming to be pointed at anyone in particular.

I am totally aghast at the concept of anyone who would have an affair with a married man, particularly one with children.

For some reason I am totally appalled by a female having an affair with a married man but less so at a male having an affair with a married woman.

I have no respect for any woman outside a marriage who knowingly sleeps with a married man / father. I feel they are unworthy of any sympathy.

Maybe I feel my gender should know better .. but that is patently pants.

Still its interesting when one examines one's own visceral reaction to the concept of affairs and I do appreciate that some of the above comments are probably not PC but they are when I look to myself how I strongly feel about it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
hulababy · 06/11/2006 12:42

I think affairs are out of order. OK, you might fall for someone married or a married person might fall in love with someone other than their partner. But they should do the decent thing, and end one relationship before starting on a new one. If they can't do that then they should walk away and not act upon their feelings.

NomDePlume · 06/11/2006 12:43

It is a majorly grey area, but morally, and personally it's a no-no.

FioFio · 06/11/2006 12:45

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Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 06/11/2006 12:46

I'm w/NdP.

I'm not proud, but when I was 19 I had an affair w/a 43-year-old married professor w/two grown kids who'd been married to his wife for 22 years.

SO wrong!

Callisto · 06/11/2006 12:46

Totally agree with you Twiglett. Women who sleep with married men (esp ones with children) are below contempt. There is no excuse for it. Men who sleep around whilst married are also vile.

Quadrophenia · 06/11/2006 12:47

I haven't read the other thread in question. But I would sadly agree that somehow i find it more shocking when a woman knowingly has an affair, maybe its because I have higher expectations of women than I do of men. I have a friend who knwingly embarked on an affair with a married man but you would not believe the excuses she swallowed, they live under the same roof but are seperated, they stay together for financial reasons etc. It became very obvious when he started mysteriously going into hospital for the week and was uncontactable that he was very much still with his wife and to be honest, i think she chose not to see the truth so she didn't feel guilty.
I think all parties in these situations are a disgrace, and don't feel there are any excuses.

Original poster
Twiglett · 06/11/2006 12:47

you see I don't think its 'grey' I think its black and white .. end one relationship before embarking on another

and I have lost respect for friends who have admitted to affairs I'm afraid

OP posts:
katzg · 06/11/2006 12:48

big no-no as far as i am concerned.

AitchTwoOh · 06/11/2006 12:48

luckily in my experience the minute a man gets married he instantly loses all sexual allure (poor dh). but for some women the opposite seems to be the case. affairs do bring out the nun in me, i becomes terribly nippy and disapproving.

TheBlonde · 06/11/2006 12:49

Mostly I just take the sh*t happens attitude
People will do what they want and it's their personal lives

However I do think that those who help break up an existing family should show a little decorum...
A guy from work left his wife (& 2 young kids) for a colleague. The new gf was flashing her new engagement ring around and going on about how happy and in love they were, & he wasn't even divorced yet.

AitchTwoOh · 06/11/2006 12:49

becomes? what ami i? a wurzel? i've got a brand new combine 'arvester.

waterfalls · 06/11/2006 12:50

I too would lose respect for a friend who had an affair with a married man, its selfish and callos and I would'nt want a friend in that category.

Carmenere · 06/11/2006 12:50

And really and truly do you think anyone is going to say anything other than people who have affairs are morally reprehensible?

expatinscotland · 06/11/2006 12:51

When I got more mature, I did do just that, Twiglett.

My marriage was on a downward spiral - no kids, and I started having thoughts about someone else.

The hardest thing I ever did was admit this to my then spouse.

BUT, b/c I did, we were able to address our real issues. Even though these couldn't be resolved w/counselling, and we did separate and eventually divorce, b/c I'd admitted it instead of hiding it, our divorce was amicable and we are still friends.

I just had too much respect for him as a person to even think of doing that to him.

So I just blurted it out, 'I'm thinking of having an affair. We need some help.'

expatinscotland · 06/11/2006 12:53

Our big issue was that I wanted kids and he never did.

But how was an affair going to make that any easier?

Maturity is about self-control. Free and single? That's one thing.

Married is another.

Sobernow · 06/11/2006 12:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Quadrophenia · 06/11/2006 12:54

Whilst as i said i don't believe there are any excuses, i haven't lost respect for either of my friends who have had affairs. One friend in particular needed supporting through it, she was having a very tough time and eventually she saw the light an now regrets it whole heartedly, she could have lost her husband and kids. under normal circumstances i can't see her embarking on an affair but her life was so intolerable at the time it truely kept her together which is wierd.

expatinscotland · 06/11/2006 12:54

'I've always thought that people who say 'well, you can't help who you fall in love with' are pathetic weaklings with no regard for anyone but themselves.'

I agree, sober! I've always thought that is BULLSHIT!

You most definitely can help it! You can walk away. You can say, 'Time out!'

And even if you can't, you can chose what you do about it!

Original poster
Twiglett · 06/11/2006 12:55

ahhh but Carmenere the thing is you take it out of the abstract and you put an actual human being in the place of 'other woman' (as with the other thread) and you have many posters posting in defence of her actions and getting very annoyed at anyone who dares to comment negatively ..

which is why I have been an interested observer but won't take part in threads about affairs

OP posts:
Sobernow · 06/11/2006 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Prufrock · 06/11/2006 12:56

I find affairs abhorrent. having said that, I did have an affair with a married man and whilst I am ashamed of my behaviour I feel that our affair was HIS fault. In my defence I was 17, he was 35, and I was a very vulnerable and messed up 17 year old on only my second sexual relationship. I have to say I didn't give a second thought to his wife finding out or how she would feel if she did, but I do think that my case, and expats, are slightly different to those of adult women who should really know better.

I feel it is also slightly easier (in my gut at least) to excuse the married partner, as there are reasons why a man or woman would want to have an affair. In an ideal world of course one would deal with problems inside the marriage rather than go off and look for solace elsewhere, butit's not an ideal world. For the unmarried partner though - the single woman or man who embarks on an affair completely selfishly, I feel there is no excuse.

Tutter · 06/11/2006 12:56

i have been accused of being 'too black and white' in the past.

but i just think an adulterer is a liar and a cheat. no matter what.

northerner · 06/11/2006 12:58

I hate it when I hear about someone I know having an affair. A mum of one of ds's friends is atm, and I used to like her, now I'm not so sure. It's made me see her in a different light.

Also women who take back straying husbands - wtf is that about?

expatinscotland · 06/11/2006 13:02

I tell people I'd rather not know.

joelallie · 06/11/2006 13:04

'I've always thought that people who say 'well, you can't help who you fall in love with' are pathetic weaklings with no regard for anyone but themselves.'

Yep I'll second that (again). Crap, crap, crap! Your are a grown-up. And I did fall for someone else when I was married but I ended it after one ..ahem..'encounter'. I walked away before any major damage was done and I've learnt that I would never do that again. The guilt is still terrible after all this time. I also had no kids and that makes a big difference. Couldn't contemplate anything that risked making their home unstable.

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