What do YOU think about people who have affairs?

[Twiglett]

Have been watching another thread and would like to have a discussion about this without the finger seeming to be pointed at anyone in particular.

I am totally aghast at the concept of anyone who would have an affair with a married man, particularly one with children.

For some reason I am totally appalled by a female having an affair with a married man but less so at a male having an affair with a married woman.

I have no respect for any woman outside a marriage who knowingly sleeps with a married man / father. I feel they are unworthy of any sympathy.

Maybe I feel my gender should know better .. but that is patently pants.

Still its interesting when one examines one's own visceral reaction to the concept of affairs and I do appreciate that some of the above comments are probably not PC but they are when I look to myself how I strongly feel about it.

What do you think?

Is it worse to have an affair with a married man than with a man who is living with his girlfriend?

Surely this abhorrence is all wrapped up with our fantasy of marriage being the ultimate "sacred" relationship that is above all others?

And this blaming of women is very wrong - it is the same kind of attitude towards women that justifies veiling women on the grounds that they are just too tempting for weak men.

Agree with Pruni.

Never had one, dont think DP has....don't think it is acceptable to have one. However....

Life isnt black and white, and to treat it as such will tend to lead to bitter disappointment for you.

We are all different, our circumstances are all different, there are so many variables - many things in life arent as simple as "yes or no".

If that were the case there wouldnt be a need to give up smoking, or diet, or choose a career path or even change a career path later in life. Or go from being attracted to tall dark handsome men, to being attracted to short, stocky blonde haired-blue eyed types. People change. Marriages change (sometimes for the better - quite often for the worse ...DV etc). Life changes.

We all know its 'wrong' to have an affair. But who are we all to sit in judgement over anyone else? The same way that it is 'bad' for people to smoke. 'Dangerous' to jaywalk or whatever. What an inexorably dull world it would be if people didn't do these things.

Message withdrawn

Oh Morningpaper, get over it!

You are SOOOOOOOOO getting married and a little thread about extra-marital affairs isnt going to stop you

You mean "Witch Bride"

me

Sorry have only read the OP, so no doubt repeating here.

I don't agree on the one hand, but equally I can see how it happens. I would think for most people (with or without children) that you would have to be pretty damn unhappy with your current relationship to have an affair.

But the French don[t see it as a major catastrophe it seems.

Have also been told a different view by a single, male serial affair starter

At the risk of swimming against the tide of opinion... my Dad had an affair which ended my parents marriage, and we were all alot happier and better off for it. But I was 17 then, not a child.

Also, I wouldn't blame dh if he had an affair at his point in our lives, as long as it was sexual not emotional. I wouldn't be ecstatic, but I'd understand his reasoning.

I can certainly empathise with the idea that the end of a marriage is better than its continuance - but clearly your dad could have done it without the cheating. I don't think that's an argument in favour of "why cheating is okay" (nor that you meant it that way).

But he wouldn't have done it without the push that the affair gave him; we'd have just carried on all living is seperate parts of the house avoiding each other and never talking, and being miserable. Ok, so in a bettter scenario, he'd have let my Mum down gently, rather than doing it like that, but I doubt she'd have been any less hurt.

Without going into detail for the world to see, I can also say that I have proof that in one situation, an affair can be terrible and end a marriage, but in another, it can save it and put in on track. Affairs only become truely complicated when there are children to consider, as then decisions are made often based on the wrong things for theadults concerned, because they are best for the children. All well and good until feelings then have to be supressed.

Sorry if I sound radically in favour of affairs; i'm not!

The shame of having an affair with a married man does not go away (not for me any way) If your the type of person who has affairs regularly it probably doesnt bother you, but I live with the shame every day knowing that if I had walked away his marriage might just have survived (although in his case it probably wouldnt)
When I look back that is my single biggest regret and if I could erase it I would.
To anyone here thinking an affair would be a bit of excitment, forget it. you will just feel dirty and cheap.

I can see how affairs happen but IMO there is never any good reason to begin an affair with someone who is already with someone else. And actually I would extend that beyond marriage and say that if someone is in a relationship with someone else, then that person is off limits ? end of. But I do think that there are a lot of people who consider that it?s not as damaging to have an affair with someone who is merely cohabiting or engaged or even just in a relationship with someone as it is if they are married. When I was 19 I had a friend who, it would be fair to say, I fancied in a big way. But he was engaged to someone else and I would never ever have gone there, for two reasons, firstly, because I just couldn?t build my own happiness on someone else?s failed relationship, and secondly, if someone was prepared to leave their partner to be with me, how could I ever be sure that they wouldn?t do the same to me? But my friends all positively encouraged me to go after this guy, saying that ?he?s not married to her so he?s as good as yours if you want him?. And most of them were married but in their opinion not being married was different. Tbh I think I could have had him if I?d wanted him, but that?s not my style.

I think the reason the other thread was so contentious was because not only did the op have an affair with a married man, but she had a child with this man through IVF. That is calculated, cold, and dispickable imo.

People have affairs because, when it comes down to it that think of their own happiness before that of other people.

No-one, 'Just has' an affair. It has to be planned and organised. There is a point where both people reailse what is going to happen , and rather than think of the hurt and upset they will cause, they concentrate on what they want and go ahead.

Anyone can be tempted, but it takes a bit slice of selfishness to make you go ahead and do it.

If your relationship has problems, be adult and get them sorted, or in the end decide that the marriage has broken beyond repare. And do this before you shag someone else!

and if you don't want comittment, don't get married, or become comitted to someone.

Martian you are right, well in my case anyway. I was totally obsessed with my feelings I never considered anyone else. As I said I was only 17 and I know thats no excuse but 20 years later (and older) it just wouldnt happen. I would walk away the moment I started to feel something more than friendship for someone, it really isnt worth it.

My mother had an affair behind my dads ( and ours, as her children backs)- I cannot forgive her, never- I love her but can never forgive her.

People who have affairs disgust me - I cannot be arsed to try to empathise with someone who says that they "fell in love" and could do nothing about it. Get real- I equally despise spineless men who come out with crap such as " my wife doesnt understand me"

whatever the resaon or excuse- I have no sincere feelings for people who sneak about and lie and shag behind their partners and childrens backs.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons - not necesarily related to being selfish - some are unhappy, some are selfish, some are inadequate or unable to committ properly but we are all looking at this issue from the perspective of a society where marriage is not the only acceptable form of long term sexual relationship, or necessary for those with children. But many of the posters are also looking back to unfaithful marriages from their parents generation.

In the very early sixties when my father met his first wife it was still unacceptable for people to live together - so dad and 1st wife married because her parents were coming to vist! People married because of pregnancy, or simply because that was the only way to leave home and gain the freedom of adulthood. Affairs could only be expected in such circumstances I believe.

Now we have more sexual freedom and can be more considered in our choices to marry or not and perhaps because of this our expectations are higher regarding fidelity but have we really changed that much? I would be devastated if dh strayed but I would be lying if I said I hadn't been tempted myself - without having acted on these impulses - but I don't think that makes me superior. Human frailty can not be ignored and I think there are greater evils in the world than affairs.

I have not read the full thread so, so apologies if I'm repeating something that has been already said.

I very much agree with Slattern, some people get married for different reasons and after some time they realise they are with the wrong person, but may be afraid of the consequences of a split.

I don't think that we should be harder to women than man. IMO it is unfair to blame all the problem in the person outside the marriage, as many times it's the married person who initiates the relationship. So, as I don't know who is the real victim in the sotry (if there is one), I try not to be judgemental.