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Original poster

What do YOU think about people who have affairs?

123 replies

Twiglett · 06/11/2006 12:40

Have been watching another thread and would like to have a discussion about this without the finger seeming to be pointed at anyone in particular.

I am totally aghast at the concept of anyone who would have an affair with a married man, particularly one with children.

For some reason I am totally appalled by a female having an affair with a married man but less so at a male having an affair with a married woman.

I have no respect for any woman outside a marriage who knowingly sleeps with a married man / father. I feel they are unworthy of any sympathy.

Maybe I feel my gender should know better .. but that is patently pants.

Still its interesting when one examines one's own visceral reaction to the concept of affairs and I do appreciate that some of the above comments are probably not PC but they are when I look to myself how I strongly feel about it.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 14:47

Not read whole thread yet, just my gut response to the op...

Affairs are wrong. They are wrong whether there are children involved or not. They are wrong whether either or both party is married or just "a couple". They are wrong for both sexes.

If you "fall in love" with someone else, if you "fall out of love" with your partner then end one relationship and start another (not always wise to leave someone for someone else but unwise is very different to wrong).

Most people would not steal money or property from another person (and would likely be horrified by the idea), and yet they feel it is ok to have an affair with someone who is already supposedly commited to someone else?

I could not stand by as a friend had an affair.

I do have a murky grey area with a couple of friends who are with their current partners as a result of affairs... I tend to go with a starting afresh view though iyswim.

Off to read thread

puddle · 06/11/2006 14:53

I feel really uncomfortable about some of the language equating husbands/ wives/ partners with money or property.

I don't think it's every as black and white as a person 'stealing' another person's husband is it? It takes two etc.

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 14:57

Yes, it takes two to have the affair, but it only takes one to not have it.

It isn't about property, it is about commitment. When people are in a relationship they are commited to each other. One partner should be able to trust that the other person's love and heart is for them, and them alone. Its not about owning them as such, but I can't think of a better word for it.

By entering into an affair you are taking that essential thing from the other partner, so yes, it is stealing.

ginmummy · 06/11/2006 14:57

As someone who's father had an affair and who's partner couldn't keep himself faithfully unto me, I can testify that affairs are very destructive, especially when there are children involved.

If the relationship is over and seperation proceedings have begun then fair enough, but if you're supposedly comitted to one person then you should have enough self restraint to keep it that way. I didn't like it when it happened to me and it tore the family apart when dad cheated and I wouldn't want to cause that to happen to anyone else.

Original poster
Twiglett · 06/11/2006 14:58

actually I do feel that DH belongs to me

and I feel that I belong to him

I feel that all the members of our family .. DH, me, DS and DD belong to each other

OP posts:
Original poster
Twiglett · 06/11/2006 14:58

is that so terrible?

OP posts:
lockets · 06/11/2006 14:58

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lockets · 06/11/2006 14:59

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Quadrophenia · 06/11/2006 15:00

"Don't know though I suppose - would I turn my back on my best friend if she f*cked up? Hmmm. I think honestly, I'd be there for her to talk to and I'd support her as best I can."

exactly, whilst I don't condone what my friend did, i was of much more help to her as a friend, getting her to see things from other perspectives etc than if i deserted her and stood in judgement.

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 15:00

My experience of affairs is also with my father (well, not with my father... that'd be incest and a WHOLE other thread ) - I have huge trust issues still now.

puddle · 06/11/2006 15:00

But flamesparrow you could argue that the commitment wasn't there (at least on one side) in the first place. So couldn't be stolen.

I just think it doesn't help to use that sort of language which, in a way, absolves someone of reponsibility.

Gobbledispook · 06/11/2006 15:01

Agree with you Twiglett.

Luckily, dh thinks the same - his parents are divorced and he is quite adamant he's not going to go down the same road.

I know none of us can say this for sure, who knows what life will throw at us, but I do feel 'secure' in the knowledge that he'd do everything in his power to avoid it.

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 15:03

It isn't about whether the commitment is actually there, it is about what the innocent party believes to be there.

I don't see how it absolves anyone of responsibility - it is much more clear cut than "it just happened" or "but I love him"

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 15:03

I'm hoping DH is wanting to keep his boy bits enough to never cheat

lockets · 06/11/2006 15:04

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Quadrophenia · 06/11/2006 15:07

my dp and i are having a hard time of it at the moment and have recently discussed going our seperate ways. However I know that he wouldn't have an affair, despite how miserable things can be at the moment its something we've discussed and neither of us feel we could do it to eachother. I may think alot of things of him alot of the time but i do trust him alot, I'm honestly not sure he feels the same about me though, although I could never have an affair.

puddle · 06/11/2006 15:07

Sorry FS I'm not expressing myself clearly.

If my DH had an affair I would not feel someone had stolen him. He's not my property. I would feel that he had met someone and betrayed our relationship and our life together and our family. And he would have done that knowingly and by choice. And I would feel that, temporarily at least, his committment to me had disappeared when he did that.

So my fury would be directed at him, rather than the other woman (mainly!)

doormat · 06/11/2006 15:07

it is a form of demeaning and degradement imo
and also a hatred of the person you are cheating on

as for a woman to eff off with a married man
wel imo
what goes around
comes around

so I would watch their back

ginmummy · 06/11/2006 15:08

Flamesparrow - I agree! I have a concrete fear that all men are bastards and all men will cheat if they haven't done so already, and all because of the actions of two of them.

Affairs leave scars that aren't apparent for a long time but will stay with you forever. Very, very destructive.

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 15:11

Oh, I'm with you now - I was thinking of the other person coming in to have an affair with a married person, with the stealing aspect. No, I don't think the person in the relationship has been stolen - they are just scum

Flamesparrow · 06/11/2006 15:13

Mine leads on to friends too I'm afraid I have a constant paranoia that friends will lie to me and leave me.

Poor DH has had a hell of a lot to put up with from me and my lack of trust - he used to take it very personally that I didn't trust him... it took a long time to explain that I just didn't trust anyone. Even 7 years down the line he still puts up with me telling him that he's not allowed to grope women when he goes out, and he expects at least one text and/or phonecall

And that is a lot better than I used to be!!!

Affairs have a lot to answer for.

Quadrophenia · 06/11/2006 15:14

Flamesparrow

suburbanjellybrain · 06/11/2006 15:20

I haven't read all the thread so forgive me if I am out of tone with the rest of the postings.

I feel very strongly that an affair is the responsibility of the married person - if both are married they are equally responsible - and as is apparently more common if the man is married and the woman not - then the women should not be demonised she is not breaking up a family the man involved is choosing to do that. I don't believe it is as black and white as predatory females and stupid dick-led men.

This is a very sensitive subject for me as I am the product of an affair (that led to marriage) - my father was married with 3 kids and my mum very young and naive was his families homehelp - but i undrestand that dad and his first wife had both already had affairs.

Mum and dad went onto to have 2 more kids - they were not happy but that is another story. All involved did remain on good terms and ironically mum housed and nursed his first wife for 2 months when she broke her hip (dad died many years ago) and they enjoy each others company.

relationships are very complicated and all sorts of different pressures can destroy a marriage, I know my family history has left me suspicious of men but also optimistic that people can get over hurt and wounds can heal.

lockets · 06/11/2006 15:25

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ginmummy · 06/11/2006 15:26

suburbanjellybrain - that's a completely different perspective and well put. In what way has it left you suspicious of men? Are you still like it now?

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