What do YOU think about people who have affairs?

[Twiglett]

Have been watching another thread and would like to have a discussion about this without the finger seeming to be pointed at anyone in particular.

I am totally aghast at the concept of anyone who would have an affair with a married man, particularly one with children.

For some reason I am totally appalled by a female having an affair with a married man but less so at a male having an affair with a married woman.

I have no respect for any woman outside a marriage who knowingly sleeps with a married man / father. I feel they are unworthy of any sympathy.

Maybe I feel my gender should know better .. but that is patently pants.

Still its interesting when one examines one's own visceral reaction to the concept of affairs and I do appreciate that some of the above comments are probably not PC but they are when I look to myself how I strongly feel about it.

What do you think?

What about married women with kids who have affairs with single men?

Wrong, wrong, wrong of course but it is probably difficult to do the 'right' thing when your knickers are travelling in the opposite direction.

Instinctive attraction is, I fear, hard to override without the real guilt (it isn't her family's lives she is screwing - scuse pun - up after all, so far less real I would imagine.)

And as it takes two and all that, the onus really does lie with the bloke who should either pack his bags and leave his relationship if it isn't worth staying faithful for or stick around and invest all his energy into making it work.

A shit marriage is not an excuse for an affair - get a bit of backbone and do the right thing.

However, our lives have never been touched by such troubles - yet - so who am I to say? I don't believe for one minute we are monogamous as swans.

yep, i've never got that whole 'you can't help who you fall in love with' thing, either... maybe i'm just not passionate enough? or maybe i'm just an ADULT?

Twiglett - generalisations always fall apart at the level of the individual. Having posted on the thread you mention, whether the woman had done right or wrong in the past was largely irrelevant to the questions she was asking which were all about how to raise her son. If she'd posted seeking some sort of approval or sympathy for the affair I'd have left well alone but I was certainly happy to defend her right to ask questions about being a parent.

I rarely consider any action 'right' or 'wrong' except in the full knowledge of the context in which the action is taken, with the major exception of where it involves an act of violence or similar abuse of power. For me, an affair would be a deal-breaker, but I do understand how some people come to have affairs. Not so much wrong as rather foolish and messy.

Used to be very black & white about this. Now, I'm grey! Funnily enough having been on the receiving end, I am much more tolerant and can understand how it happens. I think we have ridiculously unreasonable expectations of marriage. Some people who have affairs are dispicable & others are not. It is impossible to generalise, because each situation is different.

maybe I just don't understand how some people come to have affairs

after all it has to be planned .. and if planned than you have weighed up consequences .. and if you have weighed up the consequences and still decided to sleep with someone who is not available then you're scum

simple and black and white

if its not your property (dont touch)
think its disgusting personally and wouldnt do it. I think if someone needs help on the subject they already feel its wrong.Dont do it i say...

Agree with Twiglett.

In reality, I can see how people can become attracted to someone else - through work or something - but if you've considered everything, including children, you're a shit.

Regardless of the other 1001 reasons I wouldn't do it, the fallout wrt my children would stop me if none of the others did.

How you can have so little regard for the effect on your children, I just don't know. It can fuck up their lives big time and it's your responsibility to keep them secure.

Haven't read other thread so am not talking about anyone inparticular btw.

My gut reaction is the same as yours Twiglett. Something to do with sisterhood, not betraying another woman etc.

But in practice doesn't that mean absolving the man in the relationship of the same level of moral responsibilty? In a kind of 'we expect men to behave like this because their brains are in their pants but not women' ?

Whereas in fact the man is the one being unfaithful (presuming the woman is single).

I think they are utterly selfish people & i do not agree with affairs on either side at all.

when I was single I had a very strict No Married Men policy. as I get a bit older, though, I get more and more tolerant of people having affairs because - frankly - I have seen so much of it, so many times. (I worked in the airline industry for a while, and in the kind of jobs where people work a lot of hours under a lot of pressure and it was pretty much endemic). I am not saying I condone it but we're all human and it happens to the best as well as the worst of us. I wouldn't lose respect for someone just because they were having sex with someone they shouldn't.

Although I hope never to have an affair and I don't expect to I think it's a dangerous area to be judgmental about. It seems to happen so often, I wouldn't want to end up one of those people who were quick to judge and then ended up doing exactly the same thing.

I never really get why people are down on the single person as much as the married one. The single one never made any promise to love and be faithful etc. etc.

A friend of mine had an affair with her married boss for years. I don't think she felt remotely guilty about it. Both knew he was never going to leave his wife and children (I'm not saying 'that's okay then').

Another (former) friend of mine had an affair with a good friend of her husband's - 'stuff' had happened in the lead-up to the wedding and the affair started properly a month after she got married . I was in the unenviable position of being the first one in our group of friends to find out (the guy she was having an affair with told me) and then being put on the spot when other people began to figure out that they'd gone away for a week together.

It was a nightmare for all concerned and damaged many friendships, as well as costing a marriage.

I would definitely lose respect for someone, even if I could 'understand' how it had happened iyswim. If either party had children I'd struggle to even speak to them.

Don't know though I suppose - would I turn my back on my best friend if she f*cked up? Hmmm. I think honestly, I'd be there for her to talk to and I'd support her as best I can.

I suppose it's easy to say what you'd do but I've never had to deal with it so I don't know.

lockets I don't mean to trivialise or underestimate the pain of the fallout.

I lost a very good friend over an affair she had with another friend's partner. Apart from the hurt and pain caused to the people directly involved and their families, the ripple effect of an affair is huge.

My sister (who was single at the time) had a secret relationship with a married man for over five years. He eventually left his wife (no kids) for my sister, at which point everyone found out about the affair and she finished with him because he all of sudden became 'available'.

I have barely spoken to her since, for that and other things that happened, but I think it shows that some people just can't handle the whole grown up relationship thing.

Oh yes, I wouldn't condone what she'd done. Just I'd previously said I couldn't speak to anyone that had an affair where children were involved. Then I thought about my best friend and thought well, I'd speak to her but I'd still be upset about what she'd done.

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