stupid b*tch

[Yorkiegirl]

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Yorkie- I really do feel for you. Its a really hard time right now. I think you would be best to get on with your life as best you can, and let the in-laws contact you if they so desire. Try not to lose sleep over it, your husband wouldn't have wanted that for you or your daughter. Maybe you could set up your own little memorial to him in your garden? Then it would be private for just you and your daughter. You know your husband is not really there in that grave anymore, hes looking after you and your daughter, so hes gonna be whereever you are.

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Yorkie- I didn't mean you should have to stay away from it. I meant what I said in a good way, I promise. Now I don't know what to say, except I wish the best for you and your daughter. I know its hard to lose someone close to you.. thats all. And sometimes its nice to have something of your own, that you don't have to share, or worry about.

i hope you sort all of this out
like i said you own the grave its yours
if you have to ask them to stay away

speak to your undertaker

what area do you live in i may know people in that area

YG, you should not have to keep away from the grave and you should know that if you or yourdds plant something there it will stay there. I think their behaviour is outrageous. Grief does hit people in different ways but this seems nasty. I am sorry your grief is being added to YG

Oh Yorkie, soo hard.

What do you want to do?

a) REduce contact for a week or two and decide whether to bring it up with them later

b) Have a BIG ROW (cos they were out of order and you would feel better momentarily, but would it help long term?)

c) Other?

Its grim for you. As someone esle on the thread has said, grief can result in this pecking order 'my situ is worse than yours' thing rather than people just helping each other through.

So sorry for you (and cross with your in-laws.)

YG, just wanted to write to offer my sympathies with your situation.

My mum was widowed when I was 6 - I was an only child.

My dad's family had arranged for him to be buried with his mum and dad because he married so late in life they did'nt want him to be on his own - so the grave was already paid for.

However my mum had all the funeral expenses including having his body moved over 70 miles from the hospital he died in to his grave, which was about 90 miles from where we lived, but virtually on thier doorstep. My unlce lent my mum the money for his own brothers funeral but saw she paid it back at £5 a month (all she could afford) which took her well over a decade.

And we only ever got to see his grave once or twice a year and normally combined it with a visit to his family. My mum did what she felt was the "right thing" by trying to keep in touch with her in-laws for my sake. But as I got older and realised she was struggling to do this, as like you she did all the leg work, I actually got really cross with them for the way she was treated.

What I have read about you puts me in mind of this situation all over again. Be strong for your girls and be dignified, I know from another of your posts you are a very caring person and I am sure your girls will realise as they grow just how much heartache their dads family has caused you at a time when you should all be pulling together.

25 years after my dad's death I could walk past any of his family in street and not recognise them. I only get and send Christmas card with one of them, and all her news talks about people I am related to but I could'nt tell you how for all the tea in China

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Good advice I think from others to step back for a while from your MIL and SIL - even if it means you don't take the girls for a while. They had no right to do what they did - you're right, it's above all your space to remember and talk to your dh and they were wrong to disturb it in that way. But long term your girls would probably miss contact with your dh's side of the family. So difficult - thinking of you.

I don't know what to say, I really really don't.

I'd cut them some slack insofar as "tending" the grave but to dig up plants that you'd planted on a special day is completely out of order.

Sorry to hear about this, hope you don't mind me butting in when I don't know you.

Just wanted to say that making the decision to step away in the short term doesn't mean you are destroying the relationship forever - relationships in families can be & are repaired.

If your MIL and SIL are acting like idiots because of their own grief then maybe somewhere down the line, in months or years, they will be able to act more reasonably and a relationship will become more viable. If not, and they are just a--holes, then it won't be such a loss to anyone anyway.
Good luck & do what you feel you have to do now to get by.

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I'm so sorry that you have this crap to deal with YG .

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I think thats for the best for the time being. What party is it you were going to?

What was the relationship like between your DD's and Nigels side of the family before he died? I'm guessing that they probably didnt see them as much as they have been since Nigel has gone. I'm sure its hard for MIL - I doubt she ever thought she would outlive her son, but, you or the girls dont 'owe' her anything. If she wants to maintain a relationship she will. You have far more to cope with than she does - you have a family to continue to support and raise.

I am sure Nigel would back you 100% in this too. I hope my CAT didnt offend you earlier. x

YG, none of my business, as the workings of a family are known only from the inside. I do think, however, that you are SO right to cool the relationship for a couple of weeks. There's only so many fronts you can fight, and as long as you keep your girls happy from one day to the next, that's the best job you can do. The rest are adults, who are obviously dealing with their own grief but have other relatives to lean on. You've got your priorities right. As an aunty of mine says, with the rest 'Park it!'

i agree that you need to step back and put the intiative of seeing your children back in their hands.

i would also contact the undertaker and ask for in writing any piece of document that states that you are the owner of the grave.

Give them 6 months or so to show their willingness to keep in though with your children if they don't then take the initiative back. I would then send a short letter with a copy of the document as and enclosure. Let them know that you are welcome for them to visit the grave as often as they like but need to speak to you before they alter it.

sometimes if you shyly back away, people keep treating you like a doormat.

i had a similar sort of churchyard despute when my dad died, he has been gone ten years now, but for the first 8 of those whenever i put flowers or xmas wreaths or bday and xmas cards on the grave his ex wife (my step mum) would put them straight in the bin next to the grave

at one point i got so fed up i took my flowers out of the bin went straight to her and yes thy did end up in her face, i dont recommend this type of action at all but 8 years is a long time to not give someone who meant so much the only thing left to give them even if it is flowers

With other members of the family i have often noticed that they go mad attending the grave, washing the grave, etc, yet when he was alive those people never gave a toss really, would there be any guilt factor going on with her

my problem never really worked itself out either, whenever i put flowers on now they are moved to the foot of the grave which really hurts, i now put all my flowers on my sisters grave as thats is where he wanted to be buried but the ex wife ignored his wishes anyway - i hope something is resolved for you x

YG, I'm so sorry to read this.

I hope you don't mind if I add something. It's so hard when you're blinded by grief: in a lot of ways NOTHING is really that important and yet in other ways some things can suddenly take on huge significance.

I do think you're right and I do think it's YOUR place to plant things and tend the grave, morally, legally and in every way. But also I think that MIL and SIL are grieving in their own way and they are no more rational than amoeba.

No, you shouldn't have to move your bulbs or your grief. But could you, potentially, just do nothing very much atm, other than re-plant them and tell MIL and SIL that you've done so and don't want them moved? There's absolutely no reason you should be the better person at this stage, no reason at all but I wonder if, to be kind to yourself, you might let yourself off the stress of a fight with them right now?

I speak as someone who screamed at her mother "Dad would NOT have wanted that boring fking bastard at his funeral" about her BIL. She took umbrage and I argued with her when really, it was all about my own grief and anger and sorrow.

Ignore the above totally if it's no use or irrelevant but I do sympathise.

YG - I lost my husband 6 years ago so now how much these things matter. Hugs to you and your DD and if you want to CAT me please do.