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Is it reasonable to want to know why ....

81 replies

rickman · 02/11/2006 23:45

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lucy5 · 02/11/2006 23:45

I would want to know.

collision · 02/11/2006 23:47

Definitely ask a few questions IMO.

You need to know if she has problems of any sort ie mental health, violence, alcohol

Your exp should have told you the background for goodness sake if she is looking after your children!

Why are men so dim at times??

rickman · 02/11/2006 23:49

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EcoWarrior · 02/11/2006 23:51

If your children are involved with someone who you don't know, then it is your business.

rickman · 02/11/2006 23:53

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ABadMouseNibbledMyFireworks · 02/11/2006 23:58

I'd want to know. I think you have a right to know if the children are going to stay with them.

If it was the other way round, you can be sure your xp would want to know.

And he says "you don't know the background" - ok, then he can spend a bit of time telling you.

rickman · 03/11/2006 00:02

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Carmenere · 03/11/2006 00:02

Damn right you stop the kids going there until you do know the background. It IS your business.

ABadMouseNibbledMyFireworks · 03/11/2006 00:18

Agree with Carmenere. It is unusual - there may very well be an innocent explanation, but then again, if he's being cagey about it...

cowmad · 03/11/2006 00:26

yep
search her for sure google for starters
social services
elecotral register etc
if your childern are to have a relationship with her
you have to have one first
you should meet and if you cant
find out who she is
knowledge is power

get it on her first,
she, after all knows all about you from someone not entierly unbiased

BudaBeast · 03/11/2006 05:18

At the end of the day if she were working with your children at school or something should would have to be police checked wouldn't she?

You should have as much info as you feel you need. However will prob not be easy to get from your XP.

rickman · 03/11/2006 08:11

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WhizzBangCaligula · 03/11/2006 08:21

I would object very strongly to anyone sleeping in the same bed as my kids tbh.

I don't think I would send them. I know that's a bit heavy, but she sleeps with your kids? Yuk. What a fucking intrusion. How creepy.

WTF is the matter with this woman? I wouldn't dream of sleeping with someone else's kids as a normal thing - it's different if they're ill or something, but to actually have it as a normal arrangement is odd. I wouldn't allow it unless a court told me that I had to (and family courts are so pathetic that quite often they do order women to tolerate the intolerable, but that's another story).

rickman · 03/11/2006 09:27

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mascaraohara · 03/11/2006 09:35

I would, seriously, be asking some questions.

Rickman, I wouldn't feel comfortable about the situation at all.

Tickle · 03/11/2006 09:46

Maybe suggest he gets a bed or a sofa bed in the 3rd bedroom before they sleep there next time.

NAB3 · 03/11/2006 09:51

It may have been easier to deal with but these are your children. This all sounds wrong and you need to get some answers or not send the children. Having kids isn't about doing anything for a quiet life. I would never allow my children to sleep in bed with any adult, other than me or my husband and only if they were really poorly. My husband would sleep on the floor in that instance and I would be in the bed with the child.

rickman · 03/11/2006 10:00

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Bucketsofburntdinosaurs · 03/11/2006 10:03

If he was leaving them with an unregistered childminder you'd want to at least meet her wouldn't you?
Can you face inviting them over for Sunday lunch, inc her DD? 'Start as we mean to go on' kind of thing. If he's serious enough about her to let her sleep with his kids, it's about time you all met. Or maybe at a neutral family-friendly pub?

Bucketsofburntdinosaurs · 03/11/2006 10:07

Don't get the solicitor involved!
Have a think about how you want your lives to be and use this as a way of starting to get them in the right direction. I'm assuming you want everyone to be happy and friendly and enjoying the benefits of extra parents so tell that to your exP, make him confident of your motives and he will stop being so overprotective of his new gf.

rickman · 03/11/2006 10:08

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rickman · 03/11/2006 10:09

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wannaBe1974 · 03/11/2006 10:17

think this is tricky tbh. I would want to know why she doesn't have her dd living with her, but if it was a man then no-one would question why he didn't have custody of the children. It does create a bit of a double standard IMO, not from you in particular but society in general. It is not a given that a woman will always have custody of the children, she could have allowed them to stay with her ex for many reasons - maybe he was violent towards her and she felt the only safe solution was to leave her daughter with him so they would both be safe. Maybe she was the one who left and felt that her daughter would be better staying in her own home in the surroundings/with things she knows so as not to unsettle her too much. Maybe her work commitments prevent her from being there 24/7 and maybe she simply cannot afford childcare. I don't know why some mothers choose to leave their children, but fact remains that some do, just the same as many fathers do. Just because her dd is not living with her I don't think you should be jumping to conclusions that she has a history of violence/mental illness.

I would ask your dh why she doesn't have her dd living with her, but I think there are more fundamental things that will give you an indication as to her suitability as a caregiver to your children. Does she have access to her dd? does she have her dd to stay over on a regular basis, i.e. every other weekend for instance? If she does have unsupervised access t her child, then it is likely that her reasons for not having residency are innocent. if she doesn't, then I would be questioning why not and would then be less likely to want my children staying over there with her.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt for now, and find out suttly without jumping in there with all guns blazing withdrawing access etc. Remember that if you meet someone and you've been this harsh with your ex's new gf, chances are he'll use the opportunity to turn it around on you in the future.

rickman · 03/11/2006 10:23

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aweebitgross · 03/11/2006 10:28

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