Is it reasonable to want to know why ....

[rickman]

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yes it does sound a bit odd but it's still possible there's an innocent explanation.

did you say that your ex wants the children to go and live with him? if that were the case then a court would certainly bring up the issue of why his new partner does not have residency of her own children. So I guess his option would be to either tell you, or it can all come out in court.

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Please don't continue the conversation with him by text, this is one you need to tread very carefully with so you need to be able to gauge each other's tone of voice or better still do it face to face. So much will be missed/misinterpreted in writing and it is far more likely to kick off.
And don't chase him because he'll be trying ot work out how to best phrase his answer. If no response, just ask next time you have a real conversation.

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If she has bought a people carrier that shows a commitment to the family on her part and he is obviously comitted enough to her to be protective and wary of you. Sounds like she's not going anywhere so maybe don't push the subject and accept his judgement of her as a father. Until you are ready to let go and show a friendly hand, he probably won't let his guard down. Assuming she is perfectly normal and nice, you still need to work out how you can all get along and avoiding each other is only going to leave the questions unanswered for longer. How do you want your life to move on? Take a leap of faith.

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Um, chances are it doesn't matter how friendly Rickman is, he will see it as interference in his relationship.

"None of your business" is the standard kneejerk response to women asking about the new girlfriend, with the implication that the only reason they are asking is because they are sad, nosy, embittered women who haven't "moved on", not because they have any right whatsoever to be concerned about the stranger who may be destined to have quite a strong influence over their children's lives.

If this woman is so committed to Rickman's children (and I can't say I'd be too enthusiastic about another woman making a commitment to mine, thanks very much), then Rickman has a perfect right to at least know a few basic things about her.

And tbh even with a man, I think it's reasonable to ask the question, "what are the care and control and contact arrangements you have with your children and why?" even though it is not as bog-standard for them to have care and control. Any reasonable person who is going to be in charge of someone else's children, wouldn't really object to answering those questions imo, depending of course on the tone in which they are phrased.

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I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to know more about her. I'll post more later, Rickman, as I'm just taking dd to playschool.

Caligula & Rickman, I'm with you too. It is an unusual situation and you do need to know who is looking after your children. I wouldn't be at all keen on the sleeping arrangements either.

I wouldn't let my dc sleep there until I knew the full story (and you will never get it from dex because there is obviuosly something there which speaks against this woman).

If you suspect they're planning on keeping your dc somewhere down the line, I would involve someone else asap TBH. Remember that awful thread we had with an ex keeping the ds and the poor mum trying to get him back. Sorry if that's alarmist. Don't know who you could turn to. Could you speak to someone from social services, just raise your concerns, ask for advice? Do you think that's going too far and will just provoke some nastiness from your ex?

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Sorry didn't mean to confuse or upset, I was just trying to imagine it from the other side.
I just meant that you're not going to get a non-aggro answer from him (because men are men) so maybe you need to get it from her and he's not going to let the 2 of you alone...yet.
I do think it is good that she's committed to the kids, kids like stability. Would you rather he had a different woman every time they saw him? Yes you should always be concerned but will you be happy even after you know the answer to that question is ok? It will be human nature to find something else to worry about her until you actually get to know her.

DD didn't live with me for a while because I was fighting for custody of her - I only had her 3 days out of 7 and it wasn't because I was a bad person or a bad mum just had a shit of an XH!!

It was all played out on mumsnet and everyone was very sympathetic - maybe something like this is happening to her and she is afraid of peoples reactions as I was in the beginning.

Would you expect XP to want to know if you had a new bf? How would you feel if he wanted to know all about this new person do you thik that you would be forthcoming or would you be a little guarded??

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I don't think it's unreasonable to want to know more about her. I was amazed that dh's x didn't want to know anything about me when I got together with dh, and I would have been perfectly happy if she'd rung me or wanted to ask dh more about me.

She's had various boyfriends, and dh has never plucked up the courage to ask her anything about them as he doesn't want to rock the boat, so pretty much like your situation. What we've done is concentrated on how dsd has been. We've talked to her about them and how she's finding it with a new man living with them and watched her behaviour too to see if there's been any change or if she's been unhappy. As there has never been any cause for concern whenever a new man has moved in dh has just left it.

When you drop the kids off to her how are things between the two of you? Would that be a time when you could start to chat to her and find out some more directly from her?

I also wanted to say don't worry for one second that she is going to replace you. She won't, she can't. Your children have one mum, that's you and your irreplacable.

I would want to know why she doen't have much contact with her dd(how old?, more understandable if she is teenager than if ddis 4)
I wouldn't be happy about her sharing with your dds (therre should either be another bed or she stays at home that night)
Is there anysolicitor etc you can discuss it with to find how you stand?(without actually taking any action)

I'm with Caligula. If someone merely teaches children for an hour a week they have to have a CRB check fgs! So if some woman you don't know from Adam sleeps in the same bed as your children on a regular basis she can damn well expect to answer a few questions I think, as can your ex.

And your ex has hardly helped matters by muttering darkly about the background wrt her dd has he? I think the least he can do is explain further.

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So she doesn't come in the house to pick up your children but she sleeps in bed with them when you are not there??

rickman I would also be warey and agree with your concerns, like you said, if you had a boyfriend you would expect to tell your exp a bit about him, your exp is being very cagey which is suspicious. When you get a boyfriend you wouldnt let him sleep in a bed with your sons would you, so I dont see why its right for this woman to sleep in a bed with your daughter.

I dont want to be an alarmist, but peados arent just men, they can be women aswell, im not saying this is the case but just something to be aware of.

I think this is a weird situation, im thinking of the film 'the hand that rocks the cradle' (shudders).

Let us know rickman what your ex says about this current situation

i have only skim read this and it rally doesn't sit happily with e at all.

is there any way you could get a babysitter to watch teh kids, call exp and say look this woman is clearly a big partof yourlife and therefore OUR children's i would like to meet you both for a drink so we can get to know each other better.

youcan then ask what you want of her, and the three of you can discuss future arrangments.

i would not have allowed someone i did not know to sleep in a bed with my children nor would i expect my ex to leave his children on his contact days with someone they didn't really know.
he is meant to have them because he wants to spend time with them....there should be nothing that is more important that he needs to palm them off on gf.

If he refuses to meet with you then put your foot downa and say thatunless you are able to find out more about this woman who is seemilngly taking a great deal of the care commitments of your children the you shall be suspending contact.

i think it is reasonable to ask questions of anyone who looks after your kids. if you went to court your solicitor coudl request such info so i dont see why you cant.

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