What surname to give a baby in a two surname household?

[spots]

When I married dh I really thought hard about name changing. Our names don't sound good double barrelled and I didn't want to just be absorbed by his family name. We thought about combining our names to make a new one and that would have worked well but he sort of backed out, saying that when we had kids maybe they could use that name (It sounded v. plausible) but now we're expecting one - and with only 3 weeks to decide! -he's not keen on that either. How have others resolved the 2 name household issue - or how have you made the decision? should I just let the child take his for the sake of easy school registers etc.?

Hi Spots. We were in a slightly different situation where DH and I weren't married when we had ds. He took on DH's surname just because we knew we would get married and it just seemed the 'normal' thing to do. I suppose it's mostly about other peoples perceptions... depends how much you care about what otehr people think. I did hate having a different surname to ds.

Difficult one,my friend decided that she would really like to keep her name and that she would like her ds to keep the family name on, DH agreed. I think it's very diffcult and don't really have any suggestions for you. lars xx

I didn't change my surname when we married and had no intention of changing it if we had children. When I got pregnant we discussed it and my dh felt that as he was the only male in his family (he has two sisters) that he would like our children to carry on his family name. I have no problem with this, and as my brother is carrying on our family name I agreed to our children having his surname.

Ds1 is now nearly 6 and having a different surname to me has never caused the slightest problem. People naturally assume my surname is the same as my kids, or vice versa, but once I have advised it is different people just accept it.

Could you use one name as a 'middle' name, so that its included. I've worked as a registrar of births and lots of people do that married or unmarried.

I accept what Kayleigh says, in that it hasn't caused her a problem, but my experience is that it is usually the mum who deals with all the admin stuff with healthcare, education etc, and they all still seem to assume that the child will have the mum's surname. And if the surnames are different then that sometimes leads to further questions - are you married? to the father? Is she your child etc? But it is very "traditional" to keep the dh's surname.

My friends who are in these situations have either used their own surname, or accepted the title of Mrs Dh for all "official family" type occasions eg nurseries, schools etc.

I kept mine on marriage and the children have DH's with mine as a middle.

My name is my identity but the children are new people so I didn't mind them having DH's.

We refer to ourselves as the xxxx-xxxxx though which seems fitting as the children have both and I think of that as our family unit.

ds has dp's surname is mine is soooooooooo dull. it has never been a problem that i have a different name (apart from having to spell it all the time). i do occasionally pretend to be mrs dp 'cos it's easier though.

We had lots of debates about this. We are not married and know we never will be. But I also know that had we ever married I would have kept my name anyway.

I suggested ds have my surname for practical reasons: it is higher up the alphabet, there is only one possible spelling of it, it is slightly less unusual than his.

The argument that swung it for me in the end: as a teacher, when I see a mother with a different surname to her child I think nothing of it, it is very common. When I see a father with a different surname to his child, I assume he is not the child's father. My assumption is, I'm sure, a terrible prejudice, but it is a common prejudice, and not one that it would be fair to inflict on such a doting father!

After this realisation I agreed a little reluctantly to ds having dp's surname (middle name or double barrel just didn't work for us). However, when we chose first names, we chose a male and female name very closely related to my first and middle names. So then I was more than happy for him to have dp's surname - he had something of me too! In fact, many people have commented on the close relationship of ds's name to mine and how nice that is!

Sorry, I know I'm going on, but one more thing. I always answer to Mrs dp. I don't correct them unless it is going to be a longer term relationship. The only thing I am paranoid about is ds being involved in an accident, and someone ringing work to ask for Mrs dp and not finding me. So there are signs above all receptionists desks saying ds's surname!

just to add, a bit like fisil, ds has my brother's name as his middle name which i felt evened the name-split up (he almost had my mum's maiden name).

Neither of us were that fussed so we decided to wait we agreed on the baby's first name and then go with the surname that goes best with the first name. So when ds was born, we decided on a name and it happens to be one that goes better with my surname than dh's surname and so he has my surname.

We do get some very strong reactions to the fact that ds does not have his father's surname even though we discussed it with my in laws before making a decision and they were fine with it.

We gave dd her dads surname as we intend to get married oneday.
I like her name and to be honest, i didn't want to have to change her name when we decided to get married. I don't regret it HOWEVER, as 150percent says, it does cause a little confusion from time to time. I have been in the doctors before while they searched for her records and the realised they were looking under MY surname.
I'd like to have the same name as her!
I sort of did it as a present to dp after dd was born too, (If you get what i mean-he is always aware he has no rights as we're not married yet and i wanted to show commitment!) We intend to get the legal thing done where we have equal rights until we get to that Church!

Good luck in deciding!++++++++++++

I became mrs my name - dh name when we had DS1 after being ms my name for 7 years of marriage. The kids have both names as a double barrel, mainly because we wanted to acknowledge both cultural heritages. But I tell you what already, after 3 years, I am serioulsly considering changing the boys' names to just DH's, it really is a hassle spelling, and re-iterating and it just seems to be a bit of a mouthful, the double-barrel thing. I'm going to call up the resgistrar on Monday and see how simple it is to go to my name as a middle name and DH's name as the surname.

ds had dh's surname....did not really consider any other option. we had been engaged for 4 years and eventually got married just before ds was 1. I hated having a different name to ds and

I used to just be bold and correct people who got my surname wrong.
I do like being MRS DH now though!

I did not even consider changing my name when we got married, it just wasnt an issue. I was happy for children to have ds's surname as it is very unusual here and a connection to his family and country. They all have English first names. It has never bothered me not having the same name. People refer to us as the xxx's and I am happy to be included in that. It has never been a problem, in that peole alwasy tend to ask for a child's surname and not assume it is the same (I mean at doctors etc). It is extremely hard to spell so they have that to contend with but I dont think thats too hard for them. We did consider double barrelling but mine is long and they sound really odd together. What I do wish now is that we'd given them names from my family as middle names (not nerccesarily the surname), but never mind, not a problem!

Spots, it depends on how strongly you feel about it really. I don't want to change my name, ever, (and never have) so I didn't when I married (now divorced) and I won't when I marry dp either. However, my surname is a boy's name, so my ds (from my marriage, sorry it's complicated!) has my surname as a middle name - the idea being that we could double barrel it later if we wanted to. We never have though and his surname is different to mine. It doesn't seem to make any difference at school etc, people completely accept that I'm his mum but we don't share a surname. I think they DO assume I wasn't married to his father though, come to think of it! Even though I was. Anyway, when I had dd with new dp I very strongly felt that I wasn't going to do that this time and I wanted her to have my surname so she's double barrelled. It's therefore very clear that I'm her mother. So we have
Me, Ms B
My ds from previous marriage, Mr G (but with B as his middle name)
My dp, Mr C
Our dd, Ms B-C
Works for us anyway. Poor loves are all going to have a nightmare when they have this discussion about their children but there you go, that's their problem

Be aware that if you are not married and give your child the mother's surname, you (the mother) will nearly ALWAYS be referred to as 'Mrs'

Message withdrawn

Hiya Spots, aha 'tis a problem we've argued about a lot in our house

I simply refused to change my surname when I got married and I do correct people who try and call me Mrs McC. I'm 35 and an individual so I don't see why I've suddenly become my hubby's property when the marriage license was signed. DH, of course, objected violently to this (as did his family) and really coudln't see what the problem was ......... until strangers started to refer to him as Mr R. "Now I get it", he said. "At last", I groaned

I've backed down on the surname for our future sprog, but under the condition that I get to choose the first name. Hurrah

Not content with my ds having dh's surname (as I do) my FIL wanted him to have his and dh's first name too. I refused, it's simply not fair that I don't get to choose either name.

Bloss: I live in the UK and I use both names (maiden & married) for me, depending on context...Generally works ok.

Still don't know how comfortable I am with this, in that my surname does have a very long family history associated with it and even DH thought that was really neat. However, DH also felt really strongly that he wanted us all to have the same name, to be family. Then, DH even considered taking my name when we got married. But his mum thought that was very strange, and then DH suddenly felt funny about giving up his identity, too. Because DH felt so much he wanted us all to have the same name, and even (I think ) really was willing to change his name to mine to achieve that, I felt like I should give a bit, too. I conceded and the kids have his surname (although, technically, DS has my surname on his American passport, long story!).

One factor is that it's very common experience in my family for us to be teased for our surname; it's easy to distort into an insult. DH's family haven't seemed to have such experiences, so his name seemed like a safer bet in that way; I have far fewer twinges of fear about the kids being hassled for it. I think DH's name is easier to spell and sounds 'nicer', too.

It never really crossed my mind to change my name on marriage. Most of my friends have kept the name they were born with too except one who couldn't wait to get rid of hers (she hated it). However I was quite happy for dd to have her father's surname but proposed that she have two middle names, one being my surname. Also her first name was really my choice so feel OK about that. When people ask what her middle name is I generally only give the name which is not my name (IYKWIM) as 4 names is a bit of a mouthful but it is there on birth cert for the record.
It is a bit of pain having to say "hello it's LM speaking, IC's mother" when I ring the doctor/creche etc but just about manageable!!

my ds has dp's surname not mine. I don't mind it at all really. If we do ever get married I'd definitely keep my own surname for work but use his for everything.

friend of mine did the double barrelled thing with both names but it does sound a bit odd - faux posh IFYKWIM

I can harldy think of any instances when unmarried parents dont give the kids the fathers name

Now why is that?

my son and daughter have different fathers, as I was not with my sons father - ie living separate lives (he was involved in a visiting way) I had my son keep my name... With my daughter we are married as good as so she has DH's surname.
AS things have turned out Ds's dad has been better than I ever hoped for and my ds now is free to choose between, my, his dads or his step dads name when he is older.
His dad got hom a new xealand passport with his dads surname, god it looked weird. Either give one surname as middle name, and then use the dads surname as the everyday name perhaps?

Dp and I have no intention of getting married, but always said if we had a child he/she would have both surnames and so ds has both surnames but joined together as one (no hyphen....). If you don't know that its two surnames it actually sounds like one.....