What surname to give a baby in a two surname household?

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When I married dh I really thought hard about name changing. Our names don't sound good double barrelled and I didn't want to just be absorbed by his family name. We thought about combining our names to make a new one and that would have worked well but he sort of backed out, saying that when we had kids maybe they could use that name (It sounded v. plausible) but now we're expecting one - and with only 3 weeks to decide! -he's not keen on that either. How have others resolved the 2 name household issue - or how have you made the decision? should I just let the child take his for the sake of easy school registers etc.?

Although I am married to dh, I have never changed my name. He is the fathre of both our children and they have his surname as their surname and mine as one of their given names. They are not double barreled. It doesn't seem to worry anyone.

We are a 3 surname family.

DS and DD have different fathers - DD has her Dads and DS has his and I have my own!

I find it embarassing as I often get called Mrs X or Mrs Y but not my name and I normally just go along with it.

When DP and I get married, DS, DP and I will have the same name but I worry about DD being the odd one out - at least at the moment we are all different!

I'm surprised so many people have hung on to their own names. When I did this I got so much stick from everyone (except work, funnily enough) about why did I get married if I wasn't prepared to change my name & that sort of thing.

My name is quite unusual & has a long history (I'm really "into" family trees & have traced mine back to 1666). Also I felt it was my identity & my link to my own family- "Xs daughter". DHs name is more common & he didn't feel that same link. He has 2 older brothers who were both already married when we met, so in his immediate family there were already 3 Mrs Ys. It just felt so anonymous to do the same.

He suggested we both take my name & everything was fine until he told his parents & they flipped. I've no idea why- they already had 2 grandsons carrying on the family name. We spent 2 years with separate names before we had DD. Then I found that although we could call her whatever we wanted, if we disagreed, HIS wishes took precedence under English law.

We double-barrelled (mine-his) & he took out a Deed Poll. Took 2 solicitors to do it (the first one was downright rude & said she'd be proud to take her husband's name!!!) & he had to be interviewed ALONE to make sure he wasn't doing it under duress!!! (Yeah coz I had a gun under my coat...) I didn't have to sign it because it apparently didn't concern me, being just a chattel.

It is a real mouthful, 4 syllable name. People take it upon themselves to shorten it, which really winds me up because it is so rude (when I meet someone I don't decide I'll shorten their name without asking!). I've always just used my bit, & the children have tended to do the same (DD refuses to even tell people the end bit & uses just mine at all times). About 10 years ago DH started doing so too. It sounded really weird the first time I heard him say "This is Mr X" on the phone. Now he only uses my name, through choice, even at work (unless it's something legal- all the bank stuff & passports are in the full name).

It just would have been so much simpler if the ILs had kept their noses out in the first place. The PIL manage to address us properly on cards & things, but his brothers & other relatives send the kids cards addressed to Miss Y and Master Y (it really winds them up!). Why do people get so snotty about what other people call themselves?

I guess my views were slightly biased on the basis that both dh and I have surnames that you have to spell out for people (dh's name has a silent letter at the front, so MUST be spelt at doctor's etc or no chance of them finding us!). I couldn't cope with the conversation "This is Ms X, that is spelt X-A-B-C-D-E-F-G, mother of Ishmael Y, that is spelt K-Y-A-B"

Needless to say I tried to ensure that the ds's had easily-spelt forenames!

tallulah, shocking stuff about the solicitors etc., Outrageous. And about your PILS - mine threatened to cut dp out of their will if he changed his name to double barrel it with mine!!! We might do that yet when we marry.

We had lots of heated debate about this one! we both have our own surname and neither of us would ever change it, married or not.

Before having any children, dp suggested 2 options. Either 1st child, my surname, 2nd child his, ad infinitum.
Or, daughters had my surname, sons his.

I agreed to the first in case it was a boy, in retrospect should have agreed to the second as we are about to have a 3rd (and final) DD!

in the end dd1 and dd2 both have my surname which dp wasn't very happy with but after 9 months of pregnancy (which I hate) and childbirth (ditto) I tend to feel I have been the one to suffer most for the offspring and won't concede anything at that point. Can't honestly see why I have to go through all that shit for the child to have his name not mine...

But this 3rd one will have DPs surname to keep DP happy, having 2 with my name I don't mind so much any more. so dd3 will have a different surname to dd1 and dd2, not ideal but our best solution.

Both dh and I are the only 'providers of grandchildren' in our families, and neither of us wanted our surnames to disappear, so we're all double-barreled. It does make for a bit of a mouthful at times!

I don't use Dh's name, but the kids have it. People assume I'm Mrs X, so it gets a bit confusing. I seem to have acquired two names now, which I don't suppose is legal.

Wonder whether Senorapostraphe will add to this as I think Spanish people have two surnames officially (both parents' but tend to use one - I seem to remember girls use their mother's and boy's use their father's?
I'm another married woman who kept her own name - Mrs firstname dh just didn't seem like me and didn't want to be a piece of property. Had big discussion when expecting ds - I was happy to double-barrel (although would have been quite long) or give ds my name as a middle name. But dh was very firm about not using his surname at all. He doesn't like it and did consider changing to mine when we married. But he's a writer and was known by his family name. He says there are plenty of people in the world with his fairly common surname anyway whereas I like mine. So ds has three Christian names all chosen by ds (he was very firm about them as well) including dh's father's Christian name. And my surname. Doesn't cause too many problems although we don't have to worry about school for another four years.
Dh's mother (father deceased) wasn't too happy though. I had to point out was his choice. And yes, we do get family post and cheques for ds with father's surname which is a real pig when we want to pay them into a bank account. And that's from my family!

That smiley should have been a bracket. PS my surname is Scottish as is dh's but both our families are Welsh as is ds's first name. That does cause some confusion when people say 'where do you come from?'. Don't know why as there are plenty of English people with Welsh, Irish or Scottish surnames ? what's so odd about having one Scottish ancestor who moved to Wales?

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I don't see how double barrelling works, what happens to the daughters when they get married? Double, double barrelled? I know this has been discussed before on MN but what is it about women and surnames? I'm afraid that the attachment to what is, after all, just your father's surname, indicates insecurity to me. I just don't see why its so imporatnt. I am one of 3 sisters so our surname won't be carried on that way. My son is the only boy in my husband's family with their surname but that won't be carried on either as he is severley autistic and 99% certain he won't be having chldren If you're not married I can see why you woudlnt' change your surname but (sorry Tallulah!) if someone is conventional enough to get married then shouldn't they be conventional enough to change their surname? I thought it was the law that children had to have their father's surname if there was a serious dispute or has that been changed?

my ds took his fathers name without even thinking about it its a bit funny though when you have to apply for things for them because they ask for the childs name and the mothers name presumeing the name will be the same

Tradition would say use the father's name, but my child has ny surname, which is best for us.

I am the one who looks after dd the most eg taking her to school, so if our names match this is easier. Also, if there is ever a relationship breakdown, kids tend to stay with their mums, so better to have the same name as your mum!

Dp's parents were very unhappy about this by the way!

Blimey Davros, steady on! I'm NOT insecure but my name is my name and I don't want to change it. Ever. Most men don't have to, ever, so what's the problem? And you could argue that it makes far more sense for children to be given their mother's surname given that paternity isn't always certain. I don't think there's a law saying men have more say in this than women, I do hope not (discriminatory, surely?). Being married isn't necessarily about convention either, in fact in cases where the woman is going to give up work it really does make sense to be married from a financial point of view, should the relationship break down.

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I actually had my mom's last name before I was married. It was a strange thing for a mother to do in the 70's but my father had walked out and had no contact with us so why keep his name?! I loved my name and didn't want to change it. I was pregnant before I married and we agreed to have our child have both names. When we moved back to the US from Asia and got married my husband decided to take my name, mainly to help him in the job market(it is an Irish name and we lived in Boston which is very Irish) we also agreed we liked the idea of a family name. So then I took his too. Our names go very well together, indian and irish but people sometimes think german and irish. However it has been hard especially concerning his family, they have never heard of such a thing and we got a lot of flack about it. It is especially hard in the USA as when you double barrel your name most people put a hyphen and we didn't want to, and that has caused major problems. And also when we are filed(in doctor's offices or the like) it is anyone's guess what we are under either d or o or even t as I have an apostrophy. It makes me proud that he took my name and that we have a family name. Most families in the USA either have the fathers name or the kids will have both or the mom will have both, but very few father's change their names. Now that we are in the UK it seems like an nonissue. I figure when my girls have to make the choice for themselves or their children they will come up with something that they like just as well. If that means four last names so be it!

Blimey - a heated debate about surnames. Who was it who said we could have an argument in a paper bag?

Anyway in Spain children have two surnames, the first is the father's name and the second the mother's. This is a nightmare for me as I have 3 first names (and the Spanish only ever have two), so everyone always assumes my second middle name is my first surname. Some women then replace their mother's name with their husband's when they get married, but most keep their maiden name (are you following this? )

But both my children have their father's name only because I think the combination of our names sounds silly. Many Spanish authorities just ignore this though - dd's social security card has both names on it. They have his name rather than mine because his name is very rare and in danger of dying out, where mine isn't (I have 4 siblings and anyway it's not an unusual name). But I don't plan to change my name when we get married - at least not for all things (you never know, it might be useful to have a legitimate alias! ) If my name was the unusual one, the kids would have that.

I remember reading once that in some country (can't remember which, one of the Scandinavian ones I think), girls take their mother's surname and boys their father's - I think that's the nicest system.

PS I did really think about the kids names though - and thought about giving them my name. But it seemed silly to give them my father's name. I did try to trace the female line of the family tree back, but didn't get very far.

My children have both. His first, then mine. Non hyphenated (on account of their potential children). Unfortunately this means they have not one but two surnames, one Bengali, one Swedish, neither easy to spell, non hyphenated, preceded by Jewish first names. I am already saving for their therapy bills.

No way would I consider changing either my name (in the remote event of my getting married) or, I have to say, relinquishing it for my children. I may not like my father much but his surname is also mine, and has been for many years.

Davros, it's not insecurity, otherwise why do men keep their fathers' names? It's more to do with identity and property. Women changed their names pre-feminism because they were regarded as first their father's property and then their husband's ? and children were seen as the father's property. In fact your proper married name is Mrs dh first name dh second name as in Mrs John Smith. We're just a bit more informal these days and use Mrs Jane Smith instead (my Gran was used to this formula and always wrote to me as Mrs dh name dh name). I'm not dh's property, our marriage is a joint enterprise of equals and ds is our baby - not my husband's property.

eddm - well said...whilst I don't intend to get married I never would have taken dp's name - I've been firstname lastname for far to long to become firstname dp's lastname...anyway his is dead common

Blimey - I'm pleased that others have found this a tricky issue too, and interested to see the consensus which seems to be to give the child the father's name... I liked a friend's reasoning behind this, by the way. She feels that nobody can deny that their children come from her but because they're not married she felt it was honourable to give the girls their father's surname. Nonetheless... have been thinking a lot about his over the last day or so, and talking more to dh. We seem to be swinging towards my surname for the baby, mainly on the basis that it's an unusual name and there are already baby dh's on his side but no baby mynames yet.

I have always felt dubious about perpetuating the male-dominant line of surnaming, Davros, and when marrying dh was happy to do so in an age where you can start to flex the conventions in order to more truthfully represent your relationship. I think the surname debate is a real example of the coal face of this and am delighted that there are so many points of view on the subject.