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Original poster

no children wedding invite - baby 6 weeks....

114 replies

clairemow · 05/08/2006 10:00

Just wondered what you all think...

We've been invited to a wedding, where children are not invited. I totally understand this wish, and am completely comfortable leaving my 2 year old with my mum! However, at the time of the wedding, we will have a new baby who will be under 2 months, and possibly only 6 weeks, depending when he's born. I will be bf him, and don't really want to leave such a tiny baby.

Should I ask to bring the baby, or should I just not go and send DH on his own? That would be a shame, they are good friends...

OP posts:
hulababy · 05/08/2006 10:02

Let your friends know your dilemma. Say you really want to see them be married, etc. but as your baby will be so tiny and still feeding every couple of hours possibly, there is no way you can leave him. Ball is then in their court - they can decide whether to let baby come or not.

WideWebWitch · 05/08/2006 10:03

I think you should ask them. And if they say no, well, I would decline altogether but hey, that's just me!

cupcakes · 05/08/2006 10:03

Explain that you understand but also explain that you will be unable to come if you can't bring the baby. If they are good friends they will understand your dilemma. At least give them the opportunity to invite your baby before deciding only to send dh.

aitch71 · 05/08/2006 10:12

much as it is probably contentious on mumsnet, i understand not wanting to have children at your wedding, but i don't think a teeny baby counts as a child, if you know what i mean? i think it's more the thought of gangs of young boys skidding around the dancefloor or toddlers smearing dessert into the bridal gown that people wish to avoid.

i'm sure if you ask them it will be fine.

tortoiseshell · 05/08/2006 10:13

Generally people love having babies at their weddings even if they have stipulated 'no children' - a baby isn't going to run rampage round the church/reception, and if he starts crying you can just feed him. I'm going to a no children wedding at Christmas, and will be taking my 7 month old, as he will in all likelihood still be b/feeding - it's fine with the couple.

The other reason I've come across is that sometimes you can end up with 30+ children being invited (if you were to invite all children), so it's easier to have a blanket rule - but again, no-one is going to say 'she took her 6 week old, why couldn't I take my 5 year old?'.

Littlefish · 05/08/2006 10:14

Speak to the couple. I'm sure that they wouldn't be expecting you to leave such a tiny baby.

Californifrau · 05/08/2006 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandra · 05/08/2006 10:26

Excellent advise here. Just wanted to point out that although the "no children" rule may seem outrageous to us, for a child free couple it is very difficult to understand what's so wrong with it, I doubt many could picture the idea that a baby feeds so often and therefore needs to be near to their mum.

Besides, they have not had the time to learn that skidding around the dance floor is not the end of the world.

LieselVonTrapp · 05/08/2006 10:32

As you say I dont think its unreasonable for the bride to say no. I have been to a few wedding where you couldnt hear the service for babies crying. Its the brides special day.

incognitodontyouknow · 05/08/2006 10:33

We had a 'child free' wedding many years ago. Our friends bought their 3 month old twins who we just didn't count as children!!

They were lovely.

I think for lots of people it is that worry of kids running around the dance floor especially if they're not used to children themselves.

flutterbee · 05/08/2006 10:35

Ask if you can bring the new baby if they say no then don't go.

aDAdOnMumsnet · 05/08/2006 10:44

Agree with all the posts. Non-walking children should definitely be allowed, even if a couple don't want older children there. I'd ask, and if the answer is 'no', then none of you go. If they are your friends they will allow it.

I think banning children is a bit like banning grannies and grandads tbh. Weddings are meant to be family affairs, bringing together all generations, and most couples marrying are going to want children of their own some day, so need to start gettting used to having them around. But of course, everyone is different and people have the right to have the wedding THEY want, although in my experience everyone ends up having the wedding their older in-laws want!

laudaud · 05/08/2006 10:50

My experience has been that often what couples mean by children is older children running around. We got an invitation last year which said no children. DD was 3 months - we checked with friends getting married and they had just assumed we would know it didn't refer to DD - I was breastfeeding at the time so there was no question of not bringing her. Talk to your friends - I'm sure they will be fine.

beansprout · 05/08/2006 10:53

I don't see how you can leave a 6wo that you are b/f, even if you have the energy to go to a wedding! So, if they say "no" then you can't go, simple as that!

aitch71 · 05/08/2006 11:04

with regards to the grannies and grandads thing, though... i don't have any grandparents left and i think that is more and more the case these days sadly, because we are leaving it later to get married. so the extended family thing is changing a bit imho, which means that weddings are also changing if that's what the couples want.

we went to rome to get married as i used to live there, which also cunningly limited the amount of children who might attend. we had one little girl of three and a half, who was spoiled rotten throughout and became an impromptu flower girl.

however, a friend of mine was kinda irritated at her wedding because despite the fact that her preference would have been for no children, her husband's cousin and a friend of hers just expected that their kids should come (no amount of hinting would change their minds) and the boys did race around the venue going mad on pop, and they did get into trouble with the staff and it was the bride who did have to intervene.

the other kid decided he was being 'bullied' by the bigger boys and his mother again upbraided the bride for it. it was just a hassle she could have done without. (of course, it is better not to invite selfish idiots to your wedding, as none of this was the kids' fault, but you don't get to choose your family... or your new husband's family).

she would have been just fine, probably delighted in fact, to see some babies there, however.

TuttiFrutti · 05/08/2006 11:12

Ask the couple.

We had no children at our wedding, but made an exception for tiny babies being breastfed, because otherwise the parents couldn't have come at all. We went to a wedding last summer where they stipulated no children, and we asked if we could bring our 5 month old baby - they said yes eventually, but only after weeks of thinking about it, and with lots of conditions attached like we couldn't take the baby into the marquee!

However, it's the bride's special day, so whatever she wants should go.

cazboldy · 05/08/2006 11:19

You said they are good friends, so they should understand. Personally, I wouldn't go if they said no.

Original poster
clairemow · 05/08/2006 11:21

Thanks everyone, DH is going to ask. I do totally understand that they don't want children there (glad not to be taking DS to be honest, and not convinced weddings are great places for little toddlers anyway!!). We would of course take him out if he cries or makes a noise, and I'd sit at the back.

OP posts:
stleger · 05/08/2006 11:23

My dd1 was at a wedding aged 12 days - and we were allowed to use the bride's bedroom for feeding, napping etc! Ask the bride.

WideWebWitch · 05/08/2006 11:34

Dadonmumsnet and others, I have strong views on this subject, see old threads here and there was another v long heated one but it was deleted.

WideWebWitch · 05/08/2006 11:35

at 'the bride's special day' btw!

sobernow · 05/08/2006 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/08/2006 12:59

I stipulated no children at my wedding, but would have been fine with a tiny baby. Actually, the reason we said "no children" was the fact that my cousin had got married three months before us and my other cousin's two children, who were then aged about 8 & 10 completely ruined the wedding. They shouted throughout the church service, had a food fight at the reception and were generally very obnoxious. They caused my cousin who was getting married a lot of grief. The cousin they belonged to "doesn't believe in disciplining children". Her DS is, I believe, now in prison...

jenkel · 05/08/2006 13:13

It is the bride and grooms day so we have to respect their wishes but I think its sad when children arent invited. A wedding is a bringing together of two people, and the families, children are just as much part of the family as anybody else.

But my 2 have been to weddings and have been very well behaved so if you have some little terrors its probably understandable.

My then 2 1/2 year old got in a bit of a paddy at a wedding and I just took her outside until she had calmed down, so as not to disrupt anything, we both went in 10 mins later and she was fine for the rest of the time. I would expect all parents to do that.

sorkycake · 05/08/2006 13:26

It maybe quite possible that the couple just didn't think about your having the baby around the same time, so I would just enquire about it.
When we married I didn't want children at the wedding, but did have my 2 nephews who were well behaved. However when we planned for numbers originally we asked for a highchair for the youngest who was 14 months at the time of booking. When we finalised seating etc the highchair wasn't mentioned and the mother (SIL) threw a wobbler saying we clearly didn't want her son (2.3) there as we were restricting him to a highchair, when he sat on a normal chair at home! This was of course sorted, but I'll be honest when you're getting married little things like how old somone's child will be on the day are the last things you think about, which is my long and rambling point.
The last thread that www is referring to got very nasty and I sincerely hope this does not go the same way.