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Original poster

no children wedding invite - baby 6 weeks....

114 replies

clairemow · 05/08/2006 10:00

Just wondered what you all think...

We've been invited to a wedding, where children are not invited. I totally understand this wish, and am completely comfortable leaving my 2 year old with my mum! However, at the time of the wedding, we will have a new baby who will be under 2 months, and possibly only 6 weeks, depending when he's born. I will be bf him, and don't really want to leave such a tiny baby.

Should I ask to bring the baby, or should I just not go and send DH on his own? That would be a shame, they are good friends...

OP posts:
geekgrrl · 07/08/2006 09:19

crikey, yet another thread showing that some people go all-out, '2 year old style' selfish when they're getting married. Weird behaviour.

LucyJones · 07/08/2006 09:25

the thing that always gets to me about these threads is that people assume that everyone has grandparents to look after the older children. If we were invited to a 'no children' wedding we would politely decline because even if we could take a newborn we have no one to look after our toddler

geekgrrl · 07/08/2006 09:27

us too lucy. we'd have to bend over backwards completely, no family or friends who could look after ours. I guess one of us would have to stay at home.

LieselVonTrapp · 07/08/2006 09:55

laud laud - that seems fair enough. Dont see the problem with that. Id have you and your pals at my wedding any day.

spinamum · 07/08/2006 09:56

we had kids at our wedding because we had a one year old ourselves! Lots of our friends then in following yr got married and made a special effort to warn me that their weddings would be child free(sweet friends) I was glad to leave the toddler TBH( I realise I'm lucky to have someone to leave him with)
I would ask your friend , explaining the situation. Respect whatever they say. I don't believe in "everyone refusing to go". These people are your friends(or your Dhs) Yes true friends respect you, but not every childfree couple understands small babies,b/fing,etc. I've had a few friends blackmail our mates into allowing their kids to their grown up weddings. If the bride has being reading those bloody overpriced mags she will prob believe it is her special day and she has got the right to dictate exactly who will be there. Sorry to patronise your bride friend, but it is only one day and friends (hopefully) last longer than a day in a marquee. Having children is so unpredictable as we all know and it's not worth upsetting a friendship and then your babe being a bit under the weather with a cold and not being able to go.

Sorry rant over. Bottom line. Ask them. And good luck with the birth!

glassofwine · 07/08/2006 11:00

I've been to a wedding that was 'no children' only to find about half a dozen children there, I assumed maybe they'd travelled far or were particularly close family, but no. I was pissed off as we'd gone to great pains to get someone to look after our children and so were various other couples. It took the edge off the day. However a new baby is a totally different thing and entirely understandable. Ask - they don't have children so haven't thought it through and will understand.

maazaa · 07/08/2006 11:05

We got married last year and I was paniced about two things - screaming babies in the church and boys skidding across the dance floor (we had a ceilidh). However, we wanted a full family wedding feel and no exclusions. So, we paid for and arranged two professional babysitters with an onsite room that included bedding, videos and games. That way, kids could go for naps, fun and the parents could nip up and see them whenever. The kids rejoined the party as and when it suited.

It worked really well and was worth the money, which didn't break the bank. The parents were thrilled and relaxed and the kids were entertained. I'm pg now myself!

FanjoFanjoWhosGotTheFanjo · 07/08/2006 11:09

There's also a difference between people saying to parents, ahead of time, "we've decided to make the wedding child-free, but hope you can still come", which is at least considerate, and people just saying "no kids" and leaving it at that.

(We had kids at our wedding, they chased the ducks and had a good time. Didn't provide babysitters, which we probably should have. I don't remember any problems with the kids, anyway. We had a cedilh, too, even if I can't spell it.)

laudaud · 07/08/2006 11:14

thanks Liesel
Lucy - no assumptions made - we knew whether or not friends had babysitting options. Irish catholic which tends to mean lots of extended family generally!!

BTW Clairemow, good luck with the birth, hope all goes well and let us know if you do go to the wedding!

poopy · 07/08/2006 11:51

We actively invited children to our wedding ... had nieces and nephews and cousins' kids etc and I wanted them all there. Luckily though, no one in our circle of friends had kids yet so 'numbers' wasn't an issue.
I do understand the numbers issue if all your friends have children older than 18 months. If 15 of your friends each had 2 children that would be 30 mouths to feed and it does add up.
I don't understand why people get narky if their children aren't invited ... either get a babysitter or don't go ... what's the big deal? Surely it is up to the couple what they do for their wedding?
I have, in the past, chosen not to take DS to weddings, even if he WAS invited purely because I wanted to stay up late and get pissed .

HOWEVER ... with regards to young breastfed babies - I really don't understand why someone would say you couldn't bring him/her to the wedding ... with young babies it isn't about numbers and with breastfeeding babies the parents can't leave the baby with a babysitter.
I was cross with my best friend for not letting my sister bring my 3 month old niece to her wedding ... my sister ended up declining the invitation completely . I was confused because my best friend had a child already and understood the breastfeeding thing. But I have since found out that it was her ar$e of a husband that banned the baby, not her.
(they have split up now as he is a total dickhead so it would have been a wasted trip for my Dsis anyway)

twocatsonthebed · 07/08/2006 12:10

Not all people who don't invite kids are megalomanic bridezillas.

We didn't invite children to our wedding earlier this year - mainly for cost reasons. The affordable venue (as opposed to the hotels which charged you £3k just to walk in the door) was an upstairs suite of rooms with no space for kids to play. And if we'd invited all of the children, there would have been 26 kids and 48 adults, and we would have been forced to invite fewer friends.

But we didn't even have to explain to people that it was a no kids wedding - we just didn't put their names on the invites and everyone made arrangements. And - for similar reasons to you - we ended up with one small baby there which was fine. And amusingly enough, the mum of this one is getting married this year and said to me after that her wedding would definitely be no kids...

Original poster
clairemow · 08/08/2006 18:59

Well thought I'd let you all know they said no! So I won't be going for definites. DH deciding how peed off he is before deciding what to do.... We are seeing them at another wedding this week, so I wonder if it'll get mentioned...

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 08/08/2006 19:05

oh well. I absolutely wouldn't go then. tossers.

Original poster
clairemow · 08/08/2006 19:22

hi WWW. I thought I wouldn't care, but actually feel more irate than I thought I would. I think they have equated a 5 week old baby with a toddler/5 year old running about on the dancefloor and costing money in food. No imagination. They probably think I should leave the baby with someone else and some formula just for that day. I wonder if they'll get arsey with us for not going. That'll be interesting.

OP posts:
VoluptuaGoodshag · 08/08/2006 19:29

Agree with the 'speak to the couple' advice. I was in a similar situation when DD was born. Had she arrived on time she was going to be 9 days old at a wedding I desperately wanted to attend. The couple had stated no kids but DD and the best man's baby would have been welcome in the circumstances. They were fine about it. Turns out DD was 9 days late so had I gone I'd have been the one skidding all over the dance floor as my waters broke and puking up over the dress with each contraction!

VoluptuaGoodshag · 08/08/2006 19:32

Oh keck - I should have read ALL the posts first. Definitely their loss - obviously have no idea re babies and b/f.

aitch71 · 08/08/2006 19:37

nope, forget it. don't go. idiots. what possible harm can a newborn do to their big day? i wouldn't even let dh go, to be honest.

wartywarthog · 08/08/2006 19:47

well as someone who's gotten married recently with no kids, to having a dd in 10 months from wedding i can honestly say that they just don't realise. we didn't ask children under the age of 15 to our wedding because we already had 180 guests and simply didn't have space for children (dh's close family alone comes to 80!). we didn't explicitly say no children, just didn't put their names on the invite. at one point we even considered not asking partners but thought that was going too far. then with the people that asked us if they could bring their kids, we said yes. so had a smattering of kids. i agree it's lovely to have children around, and now that we have one we would have done it differently. but don't be too hard on them. they've got a lot to think about.

i'd ask the bride if you could bring your ds, and if she says no then i'd turn down the invite.

maazaa · 08/08/2006 21:34

My DH says if it was him, he would "mention" their decision to people at the wedding in between. Mind you, you'll want to appear injured party not arsey people. ARGH!

He says, without question, he wouldn't entertain the thought of going. It's one thing that they may have not thought about the situation, or be knowledgable about BF, but it's another thing all together when they've been directly asked and explained to. Poor you. It's awful you've been put in the position whereby you look like the meanies for not going. Could you pop to the evening do, to show face and leave after an hour to go home to baby?

MadamePlatypus · 08/08/2006 22:52

Very odd. Can't understand why they wouldn't let you bring a baby that young. A breastfed baby can often be kept quiet just by feeding, and presumably you could stand at the back and make a swift exit in seconds if things got too noisy during the service/speeches.

I don't think you have any option but not to go. I agree that the couple have the right to ask who they want, but there is a limit to what they can expect from your guests.

mogwai · 08/08/2006 22:56

I turned down an invite for this reason today. The wedding is a two day job over the new year period, 200 miles away. We simply can't get babysitters for two days over new year.

I'm all for child-free weddings but if you expect to hold one on new years eve in the middle of nowhere, and you expect guests to arrive the day before, well you've got to expect some people can;t go.

Bridezilla · 08/08/2006 23:00

I don't expect anything of the sort. I expect you to drop everything and understand that this is my day and if you can't be bothered to rearrange your life, you are a Bad Person and I will never speak to you again.

I am the only one who matters at my wedding. You are just a prop. Get used to it. And get your helicopter booked.

satine · 08/08/2006 23:26

On no other occasion is it acceptable for you to invite your friends and family to a party and then dictate what constitutes an acceptable gift, that some family members are not welcome, and even sometimes what should be worn. I too get a bit sick of the massive hoohah that surrounds a bride's "Special Day". Mostly the worst bridezillas have given very little thought to what getting married actually is all about - ie the rest of your life with someone. They are far more concerned with the precise shade of the sugared almonds in the Favors (sic) and what shape the specially printed serviettes should be folded into. Aaaargh!!

jetsetmum · 08/08/2006 23:32

These wedding/kids discussions are always great.

I've just declined a wedding invite that just had our names on. It is a rescheduled wedding downgraded from Church to Registry office. The inital invite had our children's names on which we accepted.

I am sure it's a money decision in this instance which I can understand but the couple should accept there will be more declines. Mind you that's probably what they want.

What's the youngest baby you have taken to a wedding?

My DS1 was 4 days old & wasn't sliding across the dancefloor & neither was I due to csection.

beckybrastraps · 08/08/2006 23:39

Have they actually said you can't bring the baby? They may not even have done the maths and worked out that there will be a small baby, as it isn't even born yet.

I've been to several "child-free" weddings, and small babies have always been "allowed". I bet if you ask it will be fine.

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