could everone read the motherinferior i need advice thread please i need everyones advice

[SHIREENSMOM]

i would be very gratefull for advice i need it thanksxxx

But how would your DD have a Dad at home if he married this woman, anyway? If he does this, it is out of your hands, and i am sure that you wil be a strong, good mother to your daughter. As MotherInferior says, I don't understand what decision it is that YOU have to make. Surely he doesn't want you all to live together in the same house??
Why does he have to take his passport to his sisters house? If he WANTED to sabotage this trip, he could arrange for it to be 'stolen', put in the washing machine, shredded by your DD.....

He can't marry you if he's already married her, I'm afraid.

I don't believe him. I think he's giving in to his family at the expense of his partner and his daughter. He is putting you through hell and not facing up to that. I really think you can do better. And as Salt says, being a single parent is tough but it can be better than staying with someone who treats you too badly.

I really worry that you have no cards to play with! Is there ANY way you can find some care for your daughter?

Why can't he pay for childcare, dammit, if HE is going away?

Do you stay with him because you feel you have to?

...because you don't have anyone else?

I agree with MotherInferior: if it is his usual contribution to cover childcare, he HAS to meet that responsibility by paying for it while he is away. You will have no independence and no money if you give up your job, and how long can that go on for? he certainly won't be popping round to care for your daughter if he comes back married, AND he will have his wife to support, so you won't get a penny, will you?
I'm so sorry Shireensmom, this is very hard and horrible for you, but I can honestly think of no helpful advice unless he is prepared to (or wants to)stand up to his family.

Hi Shireensmom. Just to second (third, fourth...) what everyone else has been saying. This man is treating you with zero respect, love, compassion. It sounds as though he has nothing to offer you worth having. Love is meaningless if it comes with nothing else. How can he possibly love you if he's going to Pakistan to marry someone else just because his family say so? You and your dd deserve much, much better than this. What example do you want to set for your dd: a woman who will play second fiddle to her partner's wife and family or a strong woman who has too much self-respect to allow herself to be treated like that? Tell him, if he goes to Pakistan for his family he can stay with them when he gets back. Then ring the CSA.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it makes me furious what you're being asked to accept as if it shouldn't be a problem. It IS a problem. Don't accept this c**p.

i work nights do childminderes do nights, and when he gets back and we do split up im obviously gonna have to claim income support will i have to leave my job then?

oh and its my 20th birthday next wendsday and ive had this big night out plannrd for ages im still gonna go i think i need to get drunk and have a laugh for once

Hi Shireen - a few points.
If he's married in Pakistan he's married here so he CAN'T marry you.
You musn't leave your job onless you are prepared to live on benefits.
Who looks after your dd now while you work? Why can't you keep this person on?
He should pay for this or at least call the CSA so you can get your entitlement.
You are entitled to holidays from work whoever you are and whoever you work for.
If he marries someone else your relationship is finished IMO.

Sorry Shireensmom. It sounds dreadful and he is a coward.

Shireen's mum, if he goes to Pakistan to marry another girl you CANNOT take him back. He cannot have the best of both worlds. His family will keep the pressure on as much when he returns with his new bride. They will want grand children etc etc. It won't go away and if he can't stand up to them now then he won't when he returns. You must make the decision to tell him it is over if he goes and stick to it. He mustn't know what love is because if he did he wouldn't do this to you or his daughter. I think he is selfish and is taking advantage of you and you obvious lack of confidence.

If he goes to Pakistan to marry someone else then you will always come second! I have seen it happening! He may genuinely want to marry you as a second wife according to Islamic law (it has been done so in the UK) but legally this means nothing. In that case you should try and leave this trap while you can.
I would not want to say that his care/love for you doesn't mean anything; after all, probably more than 99% of marriages ar "arranged" in Pakistan, you do not marry out of love in Pakistan. So it is difficult for him to "resist" this "culture".
BTW what is your feeling of him being Muslim? That can be a difficult issue as well depending on what your believes are.
On the other hand if he marries you maybe his family would come around as thay have no other options ("arranged marriage not possible anymore"
good luck

Just cross-posted with you. Can you get your hours changed? What a nightmare.

shireensmom - what is it you work as?

he looks after our dd when i work

Shireen, I haven't read your original post (I can't find it) but I have a couple of things to say: Under Islamic law I believe a man cannot take on a second (third or fourth) wife without firstly being able to provide for them all, and any offspring. And secondly without the permission of the first wife. From what I've read he would struggle to provide for two families so therefore he has to choose which woman is to be his wife.
Personally I would get the hell out of the relationship if I were you and say the other woman is welcome to him. If on the other hand you want to be in the relationship I would speak to your Imam and maybe he can speak to him and help him see that it is not sensible for him to take on two wives at this point in his life and he should choose.
Does your DD have a passport? If so, I'd get it hidden well out of his way in case he has any ideas on taking her to Pakistan.

Firstly, He won't be living with you once you're married so you will have to find alternative work anyway.

Secondly, I think he is using all this as an excuse.

I don't want to sound harsh but I think you need to face up to the fact that it is unlikely you have a future together.

'once they're married' that should say.

no my dd dont have a oaspost he cant take her without one can he? im worried now salt, i no i need to face up to it but its so hard he is the only man i have been with i was with him since i was 15 and he has allways looked after me im scared to be on my own

i ment passport

ok he has just gone round to drop his passport off and i tryed more begging but it didnt work so here i am in tears again how am i going to let go of him

Oh Shireensmom, I'm really sorry that you are in this awful situation. To be honest, from your other posts, I get the impression that he is not the most reliable person and he seems very good at blaming others when he is in an uncomfortable position, so I have a horrile feeling that even if he does't go to Pakistan now, he will remain unreliable. I hope you can sort out some childcare for your daughter and make sure you see someone about about getting money from him on a regular basis.

All the best,

sis

Also, Shireensmom, please tell your other friends. You say they'll be furious. Well, you need them to be furious on your behalf!

Please read Aloha's points again. You probably won't be able to get evening care for your daughter, so you're entitled to holiday. How much? How long is he going for? What are his plans about care for HIS daughter when he comes back? What is HE saying about all this?

I can so appreciate that all you want to do is burst into tears and beg him, but try getting tough. Sis is so right. He's being spineless. He has a daughter, and responsibilities towards her.

And last - yes, it's frightening facing the prospect of losing the man you've spent all your adult life with, and for whom you've given up so much. But he's NOT looking after you well. He isn't taking care of you.

Was thinking about you (or rather your situation) today and was wondering... If you work nights and look after dd during the day when on earth do you sleep? you must be exhausted!

Does your fella work during the day or does he helpt take care of dd?

no salt i only work 2 nights a week wich are thursday and friday so im ok for sleep i have to work to get out the house or ill go mad

i have to go to work now so ill post in the morning