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Original poster

If you waited before losing your virginity ... why?

111 replies

morningpaper · 15/04/2006 20:43

Reading the thread about the Guardian article on sex made me wonder how we can encourage our daughters (and sons) to postpone losing their virginity.

If you lost your virginity 'late' - what made you wait?

OP posts:
cataloguequeen · 16/04/2006 18:17

Yes ninaar, I agree with you about the things some men say...I didn't have brothers but I had male friends/cousins and wasn't afraid to ask honest opinions about their attitudes...

ninaar · 16/04/2006 18:29

the thing the really tickedme off was that all the guys that you ask this, will tell you they would never trust a girl that they did with to marry them or have a family with. i mean that is soooooooooooooo hypicritical and a subject that always made me angry and still does.

mumball · 16/04/2006 18:38

Lost my virginity a 21, didn't mean to, I got extremely drunk so I didn't put up much resistence, and I suppose I was curious as well. It was also a one night stand. However, I had waited because I hadn't really had met anyone I wanted to have sex with. But having said that I wouldn't make my daughter wait if she wanted to have sex, just be responsible and not pressured into it. It is quite difficult to make a young woman understand that perhaps sex should be left until you are married or are in a secure relationship, and not making it sound as if it is something obscene and should be avoided at all costs. I think I may have put my daughter off of sex all together by making coments about people that have under age sex and tutting at them (not directly). At the moment she is down on girls at school who have had sex and teenage pregnancies she thinks it is bad. What I would actually like is for her to enjoy it when it happens and not be worrying if she is doing the wrong thing. My DS is 16 on Monday. Eek! And so far she has not to my knowledge had a boyfriend let alone sex, she is a fairly level headed girl intent on going to university. So I hope she is like the majority and just waits, well just because that what she wants to do and not feel pressured into waiting by any external influences. Nor pressured into having sex early because of external influences. What I am really saying I don't want her ending up with any guilt complexes over sex, after all it is supposed to be enjoyable.

I shall now get down off my soap box.

mumball · 16/04/2006 18:42

Sorry I meant my DD is sixteen on Monday- my DS is only four.

Toothyboy · 16/04/2006 18:47

Haven't read the whole thread yet, just the op. I waited until I was 19, just because I really wasn't that bothered about it. I did plenty of other things though Wink. Eventually I thought OK, might as well do it now and lost it on a one night stand.

By that age I was under no illusion that the first time was going to be magical, so it was just a formality really. I wasn't left feeling disappointed or used, just pleased it was out of the way!

I was lucky that I didn't have much peer pressure, although friends had done it nobody made me feel inadequate or immature for not having done it. I didn't feel embarassed with blokes, I think I actually felt stronger and more in control by being able to say no.

Bugsy2 · 16/04/2006 19:03

Virginity is a ridiculously over-rated concept that was hyped up to the eyeballs by a patriarchal society based on religions run by men!!! IMhumbleO!!!!
The individual is the "gift", the special thing - their brain, their heart & all the values they have - not the mechanical act of sex.
Falling in love for the first time is far more significant I think.
I personally believe that if girls are full of self respect & belief that they are strong, wonderful people then they are not going to be shagging any old bloke behind bikesheds with a bottle of alcopops. If they think they have no future and no hope of achieving anything, then it is probably as good a cheap thrill as any of the other pointless activities that they'll do.
Really not keen on the idea that virginity is a gift for someone else - the whole person is the gift!

cod · 16/04/2006 19:04

lol@ toothys formality

harpsichordcarrier · 16/04/2006 19:30

abso-bloody-lutey bugsy
valuing virginity as some sort of "prize" is a ridiculous hangover from when women were chattels and their chastity was something to be protected.
something which is/was perpetuated by organised religion btw.

Pruni · 16/04/2006 19:37

Agree
Still don't know why losing your virginity happily to someone you know you're not going to marry means you lose self-respect???

PrincessPeaHead · 16/04/2006 19:41

thank god you lot have said that.
this idea of virginity being a precious gift is complete bollox propagated to keep women in the cave, as it were.

Who ever heard of a man's virginity being a precious bloody gift?

I think I'll teach my daughter that: sex is a great thing when done properly and it takes practice to be good at it; that it should always be HER CHOICE to have it and she should never feel pressured into it by any boy or anyone else; that there should always be a basis of mutual respect and trust between them; that there is never any good reason to have sex without protection outside of marriage/committed relationship; and that if you are not sure whether you are ready to have sex then it is probably better to wait. Oh, and that you can have a lot of fun without penetration.

Cadbury · 16/04/2006 19:45

actually pph, most of the blokes I know considered their virginities to be a special gift. We can't stereotype.

cataloguequeen · 16/04/2006 19:45

Both sex and love are inexplicably linked together as far as I am concerned....

why is virginity always directed at women???

and why is virginity something people seem to be relieved to get over and done with???

cataloguequeen · 16/04/2006 20:01

I didn't marry the man I lost my virginity to till many years later and there was a chance we were never going to be married??? I felt respected by him and he by me ...do you really believe the average teenage boy wants marriage??

expatinscotland · 16/04/2006 20:01

I think sex can be attached to love. Or definitely attached to something you think is love. But not necessarily.

foxinsocks · 16/04/2006 20:07

yes sex can be associated with love (but there are also loads of other things it can be associated with like hate etc. unfortunately)

but surely in your teenage years (16+) sex is as much fun as anything else? you think you're in meaningful relationships but most of the time, you're in some dreadful first love/lust situation

cataloguequeen · 16/04/2006 20:12

This is my opinion obviously...I know they are separate entitys thats why you can D.I.Y or with a guy you fancy thats just sex...but with a partner you love thats more than sex Grin

tamum · 16/04/2006 20:17

I really like it when you read a thread with mounting horror, without quite being able to articulate what it is you find so awful and why, and then you come upon a post that just sums up your exact feelings for you. So thank you, harpsichordcarrier.

FWIW I was 20, which seems massively old. My main feeling was one of not wanting to have to face my parents afterwards, so I waited until I'd left home. With hindsight, I would have preferred it if my first had been one of my earlier serious-ish boyfriends to be honest.

PutAPeachyInYourSimnelCake · 16/04/2006 20:37

pph- Dh regarded his virginity as something to give to the one he wanted to stay with. He refused to sleep (Shock- at a young man on a promise who says no!) with a few previous girlfriends, inclusing one he was with for a few years, because he wasn't sure

yet we were sleeping together within a fortnight, and now I can't get rid of him Wink

Having been. in a former life, a bit of a collector of virgins (Shock- 5 out of ten partners) they do seem to value it.

Or I might just go for mingers.

Yep, think that's the real reason! (Except Dh of course)

Original poster
morningpaper · 16/04/2006 21:04

I agree that virginity is not a 'precious gift'

BUT I think that once you have had penetrative sex with one person, it is easier to go around having it with a lot of people

Actually part of me DOES think that penetrative sex IS something which is kind of 'set apart' from other sexual activity, although I can think of no logical reason for that except my Catolic upbringing

I will tell my daughters not to fuck a man unless he has proven he can bring them to orgasm in 10 other ways first

and never any men that won't give oral sex and lots of it

gosh I am so vulgar, I am going to put them off sex for life

perhaps that's the answer

OP posts:
Original poster
morningpaper · 16/04/2006 21:06

Actually, DH and I have slept with a very large number of our friends (including dd's godparents)

So that should put them off

"Oh yes darling, intercourse? Did I ever tell you about the time Daddy and I had an orgy with aunty Claire.. .?"

children run gagging from the room

OP posts:
cataloguequeen · 16/04/2006 21:13

lol MP Grin

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/04/2006 22:48

On advice to daughters, one of my aunts once told me "Never give a man a blow job. Once you start that he'll never want anything else and you'll have made a rod for your own back!"

ShockGrin

Heathcliffscathy · 16/04/2006 23:00

morningpaper. your post re penetrative sex and conditions before which it is not to be advised....spot on

TheBlonde · 16/04/2006 23:16

I waited. Kinda wanted a long term boyf first but it didn't work out like that

Amusingly I still see my first shag. His wife and I are quite good mates now

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/04/2006 23:18

So you're actually sperm sisters ??