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Original poster

If you waited before losing your virginity ... why?

111 replies

morningpaper · 15/04/2006 20:43

Reading the thread about the Guardian article on sex made me wonder how we can encourage our daughters (and sons) to postpone losing their virginity.

If you lost your virginity 'late' - what made you wait?

OP posts:
cataloguequeen · 15/04/2006 21:51

Thats not pathetic...it's self respect well done I say!Smile

mummygow · 15/04/2006 21:54

respect for myself and pride as my friends had all lost theirs and I know they were ashamed - also I was scared sh** of my mum and thought she would just know if I had and didn't want to dissapoint her!!

Mercy · 15/04/2006 22:18

'If you waited before losing your virginity....'

Not sure I really understand the question tbh. What do you mean by waited?

I was 19 and the reason, purely and simply was lack of opportunity and fear of getting pregnant!

Waswondering · 15/04/2006 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSchadenfreude · 15/04/2006 22:36

I have a work colleague who is a committed Christian (so she claims - she is not actually a very nice person), who is always banging on about keeping her virginity until she gets married. Trouble is, she's now in her late 30s. I'd say it's fine being a virgin in your teens/early twenties, but when you get to your late 30s, all it is actually saying is that no-one has liked you long enough to wait or to commit to you. I'd also say, at that age, you can't have a mature relationship without sex.

I was 19, by the way, which wasn't all that late all those years ago!

beartime · 15/04/2006 22:37

Hey Waswondering - I've just updated the thread I wrote on travelling with a baby so you can see how it went as you asked me to let you know but I didn't want to hijack this thread! It's \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?rn=32659&topicid=1364&threadid=128950&redir=32659\here}

harpsichordcarrier · 15/04/2006 22:37

If I can add a note of dissension Grin
I think it is frankly odd and absolutely the wrong message to tell our children to equate having sex with a lack of respect.
I think it is odd and the wrong message to tell our children to "wait" - for what? exactly? some mythical right time? and give them the message that if tey have sex they will regret it, that they will lose their self respect and the respect of their partner and others. Where does that come from? Not true, ime.
I absolutely understand if someone has religious beliefs that mean they cannot have sex prior to marriage, but I think that by postponing "it" gives sex and virginity a significance that can lead to trouble and overemphasis on sex.
I had sex when I wanted to, because I wanted to. I would have considered it very disrespectful and (frankly) unnatural to tell my partner at the time that I was "waiting." I have no regrets. and I have no guilt, and I still have all of self respect. I also had a lot of very very good sex Grin

beartime · 15/04/2006 22:40

morningpaper - just read your second comment - the religious reason for me is not based on guilt, it's based on wanting to please God, as weird as that may sound Smile - He is a real person and I have a relationship with Him and want to please Him more than anyone else Smile

puddingandpie · 15/04/2006 22:48

I was 24 and it was new years eve and had a massive chip about being a virgin. regret it now as think it serves as a self protection mechinisn poor spelling. alot of the religious guilt thing too. Don't know it is difficult but would want my d/d to lose it to someone they love and God i don't know just want them to be happy and confident and content.Shock

Caligula · 15/04/2006 22:53

Agree with you Harpsi, but in the RW I'd guess that most teenage girls have sex for the first time because they are pressurised into it either by the boy they're with or because of the culture around them which is telling them that they are not sophisticated, cool, clever, etc. until they've had a shag and can chat casually about blow jobs and positions with their mates.

If my DD has sex for the first time at 14 purely and simply because she wants to and not out of any feeling of peer group pressure, I'll be fine with it - but I'm going to have to send some positive messages about her right to control access to her own body and for any access to be on her terms and for her reasons, in order to ensure that when she does have sex, it's because she actually wants to.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/04/2006 22:57

yes Caligula you may be right, but I think that it is distinctly unempowering to talk about sex in these terms.
absolutely, teach our children to have control over their bodies
but I hate this notion that virginity is some prize that every boy is trying to steal
it perpetuates this ridiculous notion that women/girls are sex objects
sex is about pleasure and not about conquest for women too and that's what we should be teaching our daughters - that they have control over their own pleasure
and fwiw many of my teenage friends (girls I mean) wanted to have sex because they fancied their boyfriends, mainly

cataloguequeen · 15/04/2006 23:18

My mother was not a christian she was a teenage mother...

hockeymum · 16/04/2006 09:01

I was 23 and so was dh and we waited for our wedding night. We got together at 18 but are both christians so decided to wait until we got married. Aside from the christianity, I had always thought strongly growing up that if you're not mature enough to cope with a baby you are not mature enough for sex so I would have waited a good block of time even if I hadn't become a christian at 17.

It is lovely that neither dh or I have any baggage in that department. Like mcmudda tons of people tried to convince us otherwise, including my mum who thought I should sow my wild oats while at uni, but we are really well suited and everything in the bedroom department is fab! Why spread your oats if you find the right person so young!

expatinscotland · 16/04/2006 09:57

I agree, harpsi. For me, I didn't feel I'd lost self-respect by having sex or that I need to wait to be 'in love' w/someone.

beartime · 16/04/2006 09:58

There's a very good practical reason for 'waiting' - if everyone waited till they got married b4 they had sex, and didn't commit adultery, then AIDS would be non-existent.

expatinscotland · 16/04/2006 10:01

If only that were so, beartime. At the women's clinic where I worked, we saw loads of HIV+ women who had had only one partner in their lives - their spouses.

These days, one of hte most common forms of HIV contraction is from mother to child.

harpsichordcarrier · 16/04/2006 10:59

sorry beartime but that is a non sequitur. there are many ways to protect against AIDS/HIV and abstinence is an over reaction to the threat.

Original poster
morningpaper · 16/04/2006 12:13

harpsi: I think you have hit the nail on the head in explaining the dilemma that I feel. I want my daughters to enjoy sex and to find it liberating and also NOT something that you should 'wait for' (because I don't think that it is healthy - mentally - to fall in love with someone when you are a young, free teenager and NOT to express that physically - for boys or girls) - but I don't want them being the local bikes down the back of Spar with a bottle of country cider for an aphrodisiac.

I am not sure what the correct approach is - although so far I find Donbean's story the most convincing and authentic.

OP posts:
Tortington · 16/04/2006 12:51

sex is great. i hope my daughter does it with someone she loves. and is over 16. i think that she would be too emotionally immature under the age of 16.

i also hope i have fostered an environment which allows her to tell me things and ask me questions.

the trouble with this kind of debate is that people are so different.

i needed to know absolutley i was wholeheartedly loved before having sex.

and i say this as a now practising catholic. people get overly arsey with the religeon aspect. leter of the bible and all that - well i just hope that she has great sex. which is far better than being mentally fucked up becuase god is going to sned you to hell - which he isn't IMO

GDG · 16/04/2006 12:58

Over 16 is late? Yikes - I'd be pretty horrified if mine were under 16.

I didn't even snog people I didn't like, let alone consider anything else. When I met someone that I truly fell in love with, it felt right and I was comfortable with it. I was 19 and was with that person until I was 24.

I didn't feel any pressure from anyone to do anything I didn't want to - I'm just not that sort of person. I've never been swayed by peer pressure on any front. I don't really know where it came from but it wasn't something that I worried about having to do - there were certainly lots of girls in my 5th yr and 6th form that were doing it but it just wasn't an issue for me at all.

I'm sure it's all part of how I was brought up but I can't think of anything specifically that my parents did to make me that way. I think Jools is right about self-respect though - perhaps the way I was brought up just meant I had that in general?

Original poster
morningpaper · 16/04/2006 13:09

16 is now the average age at which teens lose their virgnity.

That means that a lot have had sex when under-16.

OP posts:
Original poster
morningpaper · 16/04/2006 13:09

That should say that 16 is the average age that people lose their virginity

OP posts:
PutAPeachyInYourSimnelCake · 16/04/2006 13:38

What made me late?

  1. I thought it was wrong to have sex otside marriage

  2. Once i'd cottoned on it wasn't 1564, and I wasn't born in a Shari'a Law county, I'd got a bit of a rep as an old maid and nobody wanted me.

I was only 18, but all myfriends were erlier so was relative. Dh though, waited until he met me at 27 Shock. Awww.

hulababy · 16/04/2006 14:07

I was 17.5yo and had been with my first serious boyfriend for about 6 months. We just weeren't ina masisve hurry, and got up to other stuff int he lead up too. When it happened we were both very comfortable with each other, and fully trusting each other. Was first time for us both too. We are still together now, some 16 years later.

nutcracker · 16/04/2006 14:10

I'd actually prefer it if my kids were 18 or older.

I was 16 and do regret losing it to that particular person as I'd only known him about 3 days Blush and never saw him again after.