INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

[NorksAreMessy]

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. :o

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

Fully signed-up introvert / INTJ / enneagram type 1 here. Hurray for quiet and not talking! I recently declined my company's annual party without feeling even a teeny bit bad about it. In fact, I believe I enjoyed my evening all the more for occasionally thinking about where I could have been (and shuddering).

Introverts Unite (separately, and without any fuss).

dc's school was closed for an extra day today I was so desperate for quiet and order, I put them in for a day at the childminders.

I have read an entire book and ignored the telephone, I feel like a new woman!

back to work tomorrow after the easter holidays, I am considering driving home at lunch time to sit in silence for half an hour.

And so it begins.

Longer evenings, bonfires/barbeques with additional loud music and inconsiderate neighbours, additional pressure to go out and "enjoy the sunshine"..I can do that on my own thanks...4 different types of music playing in one area, kids screeching and screaming, parents hollering at the kids then laughing full fecking volume in the middle of the night..in the garden, pissed out of their heads, neighbour questioning my existance every fucking chance he gets...neighbour moaning about my garden (I'm studying, that's more important than the state of my lawn, my kids getting teased and picked on because they'd rather stay in than go out and "play" read..get bullied by them...people getting pissed off because it's too hot or someone has drunk their beer..and it's the bastarding World Cup...of joy of joys.

I fucking HATE this time of year.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately, and this thread and 'Quiet' have really helped me to realise that I am not as deranged a person as I thought!

I enjoyed reading this thread and thinking "me too" about a lot of things that people have written. So a few things of my own that people might relate to:

• I love being alone in crowds, particularly in a new town / city where I'm unlikely to bump into anyone I know. I'm mid 20's and I've only just found the confidence to go to the cinema alone, go shopping alone, go to a cafe alone - and it's wonderful.
• Being early for everything - for lectures, I used to arrive 20 minutes early to be the first one out of 200+ students. I felt more confident if I could be sat there as people came in gradually, and greet people around me one-by-one, rather than sitting down with a group that was already formed
• Like to sit at the side in restaurants / pubs, facing inwards - DP jokes that it is because I get bored with him and want to peoplewatch but it's not for that reason, I'm not sure why it is!
• Love autumn / winter - would much rather a walk on a grey rainy day than on a beaming hot summer's day, love weather that gives an excuse to curl up indoors and be snug and cosy
• Travelling alone - complete sense of liberation being in a foreign country where I don't speak the language. Love foraging for food in a foreign place and settling down in the hotel room for the night, reading or watching tv in a language I don't understand
• As a child I spent a lot of time alone outside of school. I have a sister who is 6 years older so we never played / socialised together, and both parents are only children with no extended family, and who themselves never had friends over. Loved reading, playing with small fiddly things, hated things I was supposed to find 'fun' (birthday parties / sports days / Brownies / pantomimes) - but did them anyway. I always had a small group of friends at school and was reasonably popular but very rarely would I socialise outside of school, once old enough to get my own invites to things I would usually make an excuse
• Love finishing work on Friday, stopping by the shop to get any food bits I need for the weekend, and then hibernating until Monday morning. I live alone and it is perfect for me - I used to struggle in university halls with having to be social all the time, even if I just wanted to pop into the kitchen for a cup of tea
• I'm often told that I speak quietly, DP says he struggles to hear me sometimes, and I'm forever asking him to turn the TV down a bit as he naturally seems to put it louder than I would

I feel much more comfortable with myself after realising that an introvert is what I am. But it does cause a couple of problems, part of the reason for the soul searching at the moment:

• I do get lonely - I love one-on-one time with close friends, just to meet for a coffee and quiet chat or to watch a movie together. But I have only 2 friends like this, and one has just moved away. I made a social group and got a good turnout, but there was no one there like me and I lost touch with them because they all wanted to meet all the time in a big group, go clubbing - it caused me more anxiety than it did enjoyment. But I'm at a loss as to where I can find people more like me.
• DP has 3 young children, fulltime, who one day if all goes well I will be a fulltime stepmother to. But they are most definitely extroverts and the polar opposites of how I was as a child. I struggle to get any alone time when I am with them, and don't enjoy rowdy children's games. How do I learn to enjoy time with them? Should I try to spend one-on-one time with them and encourage quieter things - drawing, reading / homework (!), making things...?

Mammoth post on a thread that hasn't had many posts lately - hope I don't scare you all off.

Hello fuzzytrees.

You are not weird, you are just you. Don't let the extroverts shout you down.

It's raining - YAY!

Cold enough for proper winter food - double yay!

I've been desperate for an Autumn fix for ages, so much so it's actually got me down almost in tears How ridiculous is that?

I've lit an incense stick that smells like an open fire and it's just heaven after eating Bonfire sausage and mash and having just got out of a hot shower and all the windows upstairs are steamed up from the shower and in the kitchen from the cooking.

I don't care if I've said it before, I'm going to say it again.

Autumn has to be the best season out of them all.

Orange, red, brown and yellow. The faint smell of last nights bonfire mixed with the scent of freshly rained on grass, mud and tarmac. Leaves crunching underfoot while your breath fogs in front of you and glittery spider webs decorating the bushes hugging the pavement. Cold enough for that scarf and hat, yet warm enough for your long boots and tights. Even the sound of the rain hitting your umbrella is comforting. A coffee in the other hand spiced with nutmeg and cinnamon, the whipped cream adding an extra secret indulgence that you feel no guilt over. Your bag slung casually over your shoulder containing your paypacket, lip balm and tissues. Walking down the path, your abstract reflection shadowing your every step and swing, avoiding the puddles or not depending on your mood. Even now, decades after I've actually left school I still have the urge to buy stationary which brings a whole new range of smells in itself.

The food, OMG the food and that markets rule this season. Stodge, potatoes dauphinouis, pies, stews and dumplings and roasts are better at this time than at any other. Lamb is better now than in Spring, crispy roast potatoes, honeyed carrots and peas in mustard. Redcurrant sauce in with the gravy, rosemary and red onion. Bread and butter pudding, crumbles and sweet pastry pies. We get a food market every year and the food stalls are to die for - the hardest thing is picking which one to eat...the german sausages, the piella, the french garlic and cream potatoes, the outdoor pub with mulled wine, the buffalo...there's even an old fashioned carousel.

Cinnamon, nutmeg, all spice and golden syrup. Treacle tart, apple pie, rhubarb crumble and spiced plum squares. Cornflake tart, spotted dick, pecan pie and proper homemade custard.

That hot, malty cup of tea when you walk in, take your coat off and put your shoes away and curl up on the sofa with a blanket. Candles lit instead of the lights, rain pounding the windows while you are warm and snug or even better, looking out the window to see big fat snow flakes falling.

Wool, velvet and faux fur. Hats and scarves and gloves. Wellington boots and snow. Hot chocolate, cream and marshmallows...

Seriously, I will never understand how anyone could hate this season.

Can I join in? This thread makes me feel so happy.

Now I don't feel like such a freak for bursting into tears after hectic social gatherings! Good to know we can all contentedly carry on pottering about on our (non-collective) tod.

Smiles, I'm totally with you on the Autumn front. I love it when we get a cloudy, rainy day in the middle of a heatwave. It makes everything feel calm and zen for a bit.

ZEN! That's the word I was looking for.

Of course you can join this thread. It's lovely and quiet and months can go without anyone posting. There's no pressure, just come and go as you want...the true introverts thread.

I've started my knitting up again. Another peaceful hobby.

I had an awful experience recently at a posh publishing company’s H.Q that those of you who don’t like attending parties alone may empathise with!

I’d paid for a ticket to hear an author talk about their new book and the invitation said it was from 6-8. So, I got there just before 6 and was told on arrival that there were ‘drinks down there on the right’. Didn’t fancy anything so I waited in the main room reading my book alone. Whilst waiting, some of the girls who worked there looked at me politely smiling and then more people came in. The girls told these people that the reception was round the corner and that ‘everyone should go to the reception as we’re going to call everyone to come in here at once’. I looked over at the courtyard and sure enough there was a drinks reception going on, in contrast to the other book events I'd been to where you get drinks and come back to the main room. I panicked and left as I couldn’t face going it to by myself, made feeble excuses to the girl on reception and ended up walking around the local area whilst working myself up feeling cheesed off I didn’t know there was a reception. Went back just before 6.30 as the talk was just about to take place as I guessed the reception was only for half an hour and as I was just sitting down feeling flustered and a bit self-conscious, in comes a lady strolling in as cool as a cucumber and sat down in front of me. It’s funny now in hindsight but a bit mortifying at the time.

Hi there introverts. I was wondering if I could ask some questions.
I've just finished an access course and am in the process of figuring out what to do next. I missed applying for ucas so I need to do something for the year ahead.

I've been applying for jobs (traditional office/call centre stuff) and have had the following exchange about it with dp.
Me - "do you think I'm a people person, dp?"
Him - "no"
Me - "could I pretend to be one?"
Him - "yeah, but you'd make yourself miserable"

After being annoyed, I've decided he's actually right. But now I'm stuck with what to do from here. So what do introverts do? Having made academic mistakes with degree choices, I don't want to make the same again.

I work with the public, but in a one on one setting (healthcare). I have no problems making small talk with people...on my terms. I am also self employed so don't have to do the whole 'office' hideousness with loads of colleagues.

When I did work in a larger setting with lots of other people I absolutely hated it. In fairness they probably thought I was as odd as a box of hair, but they were all Whoopers who spent every day in a noisy, shouty tornado of constant talking. You couldn't even sit in the lunch room with a book without at least one of them talking at you about their latest fad diet or critiquing your book.

("what are you reading, what's it about, is it good, can I see it, why are you always reading, you're very quiet, are you always quiet, what are you eating, is it nice, there's 13 points in that you know...?")

So, I would advise a smaller setting where you can control your environment and limit contact with crowds of people if at all possible. Nowhere corporate where they do 'teambuilding' or 'bonding' or 'motivational chanting' [shudder].

If you can't avoid a large open plan office nightmare situation then you are going to need an awful lot of time to yourself to recharge

Hi enormouse. This book may help you.

Do you already have a degree?

Oh is liking rainy days an introvert thing? That explains why I like them so much and nobody else seems to.

I'm doing student placements at the moment and I'm getting annoyed at everybody always commenting that I'm too quiet and don't ask enough questions. I pick up a lot more by listening and observing, then looking things up if neccessary than constantly asking questions. Anyway, I can never think of good questions on the spot like that, if I have a genuine question, I'll ask the next day after having an evening to fully form it thank you.

Sorry, needed to rant. 7 more weeks, I can survive that right?

I can't see the point in asking loads and loads of questions. Like you, I learn a hell of a lot more by just listening and watching. If I have a question I tend to look it up or reasearch it - if I haven't found an answer, THEN I ask.

I tend to find people who ask a constant streams of questions without actually stopping to think for 5 minutes really, really irritating and loose patience with them in record time.

I am sometimes seen as rude for not talking as much as others seem to think I should. Other times I am downright rude and don't care - especially when people are talking at me when I'm eating, even more so when it's about what I am eating. A short, "I DON'T CARE what you think, please go away" usully works and gets me into trouble .

Most people who admit to "not being a people person" I have met turned out to be either Policemen and women or something else along those lines. The more I think about, the more it seems to fit. This was actually pointed out to me by a police officer - TWICE on two seperate occations.

I need a rant.

When will this bloody summer end? I'm bored of it. DS hates it, I hate it, I'm surrounded by inconsiderate idiots who light fires, who then bloody complain they have nothing to set fire to on Bonfire night, and nothing gets done. I've got a constant headache, DD is getting them now as well, so she's turning out to be like me (she's just joined the Aircadets so she can be with "other kids who aren't idiots mum and can actually talk to each other without the need to screech and post it on facebook"). I think I'm bringing up another 2 introverts, both are shaping up to be that way. Neither are very social and have very little patience when it comes to groups and group activities.

I made myself laugh today..

Nothing says that you are an introvert more than seeing someone walk past your house and you silently tell them to "keep walking" in your head.

Hi, I wonder if you have any advice for me. I am an introvert through and through and dislike social situations involving more than a few people. At work, this means I don't have many friends as I think perhaps people think I'm rude and stand offish. Often I make myself go to events though so I'm not totally withdrawn. However, a few things have happened recently that have really upset me, like not being invited to a party as one example, so my question is this...

How do I respond to these feelings?

A) think sod it, I know I'm shit in social situations, so what, if people can't be bothered to get to know me that's their loss. (I do have one or two people who do make time to see me now and then in a smaller setting). Just enjoy the friends you have and don't worry about the rest, I don't need to be everyone's friend. This means accepting that I will frequently not be invited out or involved in the subsequent discussions.

Potential problem with this is that I may continue to feel lonely because I lack any really close friends who I feel I can truly be myself with. (I'm desperate for a friend like this, as I can't stand superficial relationships, maybe I just have to accept that I may never have this)

B) try to make more effort to be one of those easy going, laughing, chatty, sociable, relaxed people in a bid to seem more 'normal'. I could do this by maybe working on my self esteem and my chatting skills, taking more risks and forcing myself to show my face more frequently in the staff room etc.

Potential problem with this is I try and fail, which will hurt more if I am then rejected by peers for being weird. (I'd rather be seen as aloof and even rude than as strange and irritating.)

I just feel so confused. I have a deep fear of rejection stemming from an incident when I was 18 (now 28) so sometimes I wonder whether my fear of social interaction is a balanced mixture of introversion/low self confidence or if it's more one than the other.

Sorry for the really long post! Thanks for reading if you made it to the end!

How about a combination of those two things? Work on your social skills, confidence and self esteem, but do it for yourself rather than to try to force yourself to be someone you're not or to be 'normal'. Meanwhile, enjoy the friends you have and don't care about what everyone else thinks.

A combination seems sensible.
Most people who know me dont know im an introvert and would laugh at the idea.

I live my life in a bubble with my husband and children (who feel enough like an extention of me that I can relax around them, they dont tire me).

When I come out of the bubble I can be as outgoing and social as the next person but I need to be able to control how long im out and when I go back in. Keeping in touch through facebook helps as im not good with phones.

At work my bubble is my room. It has a door that shuts and inside I only have to deal with people one to one or small groups occasionally and I get to decide when they come in (they have appointments but I press the button to say im ready).

I would love a bubble at work... It sounds lovely! but I'm a teacher so lots of interaction throughout the day, lots of group planning and meetings and working together. Thanks for your responses, I will try to find a middle ground between the two.

Nice to see some new faces here even if we are all in our own bubbles in RL.

Hello everyone

I stumbled across the thread title, it's very long and I will read through I promise!

Hope you don't think me rude for the interjection.

I just hoped someone might have some advice for me regarding my introverted mum

Firstly I want to say myself, my mum and my dp really get along. We all live together with my toddler, who is obsessed with his nana

From the moment he wakes up he wants her. She is brilliant with him. And always says she loves being woken up by him and loves when he barges into her room.

But knowing she's an introvert, and also very passive, I worry she might find it all too full on. She would never say anything but I sometimes get the feeling and I feel so bad for her. I try to keep him out of her room as much as possible, and arrange to go out at weekends so she has time to herself.

I don't know what else to do and I'm worried she can't cope with the constant demands!

Any advice? It's kind of an impossible situation but any pearls of wisdom would be appreciated

Sorry for the essay, feel free to ignore!

You sound like you are doing the right thing. As long as she has some time to herself to recharge she will be ok.

My DS is constantly stuck to me and I cope ok as long as I occasionally get an hour or so to myself.

Lovely that so many new people have joined since I last looked at this thread. Haven't been on for ages (self-imposed ban - no Mumsnet if there are jobs that need doing and unfortunately there are ALWAYS jobs that need doing!) but reading through the last posts since April has made me feel like I'm back in my sanctuary.

The heat, the end of term chaos and now the school holidays are hard work. I'm scheduling in time where it's just me and the DCs at home because the calendar is looking frighteningly full for the next few weeks with people who want to catch up over the holidays and although it's lovely, and I do appreciate that I have friends (honestly!), it's just exhausting being out in parks with so many other people and yet having friends round means usually double the children and double the noise and that's worse!

Met a friend today and at one point we were trying to have a conversation and all four children were trying to tell us different things at the same time and I actually felt dizzy with over-stimulation. It doesn't affect my friend at all, she just carries on talking. I just wanted to run away!

I love this thread.

IT'S COOLER!! YAY.

I've seen adverts for Downton and X factor meaning Autumn is on it's way! Only 4 weeks away...ish.

Has anyone else notices that it's starting to get dark about 9-30ish? Or is it just me and wishful thinking?