Would I be a terrible woman if i advise my DD's to act in a way so they are less likely to be assaulted.

[Rubytuesdayy]

With respect to lit streets, chaste clothes, state of drunkenness etc etc? Or would I be victim blaming prior to teh event. I KNOW that rape is the fault of the rapists, but I just want my DD's to be safe.

There has been an increase in male rape

Blackout, I tend to just skip past your posts. My sons are still very young. I will of course teach them how to behave towards women when they are older - just as others on the thread have said. I will give them the same basic advice about safety that has been talked about and linked to on this thread as well. I would not make a difference between what I tell my dons and what I would tell my daughters.

Risk Assessment

Identify the Hazard: Rape/Rapists

Identify those at risk: Everyone

Evaluate risks and decide on precautions.
Can I get rid of the hazard altogether? No
Can I try a less risky option? Arguably yes
Can I prevent access to the hazard? No
Can I reduce exposure to the hazard? No
Can I issue you Personal Protective Equipment? Maybe?

In more specific circumstances you would be able to answer yes to more.

Sons* obviously.

I'm not being dismissive of men who are victims of rape. I'm saying that, as a woman, you can't significantly reduce your risk of being raped.

But how much is significantly? If in your view a particular choice won't negatively impact your life, but would decrease your chances of rape by 1/100 1/1000 1/10000 why wouldn't you?

Because those 'choices' limit what I can and can't do based on the facts I'm female

But there are lots of things that you only have choices about because you are female (and there is male rape too..)

I would think male rape is more under-reported than female rape. This is certainly true in conflict situations - horrendous report about it on the radio last year. It was very sadm. It was also in some ways worse for male rape survivors as they couldn't access any of the rape counselling services or health services available for women

Tbh I don't see why some of these measures are seen as 'women only' - any sensible adult no doubt already pays attention to their surroundings to try and keep physically safe

In what way is male rape worse?

If anyone can point to a study or stats which show that women who:

• stick to a couple of drinks
• never walk home alone
• never get a taxi alone
• are competent in a martial art
• wear clothing that is easy to run in

Get raped significantly less than women that don't then I'm all ears. Otherwise it's all hot air and what ifs.

Male rape in the radio programme I listened to, set I think in the congo, was worse for the survivors for the reasons I gave. The western funded rape crisis centres and health centres refused to treat men, who were both horrendously injured and psychologically disturbed. Unless you believe that physical and emotional help is of no use to a rape survivor of course. It was a very sad programme about the use of rape as a weapon against civilian populations and claimed that there was massive under-reporting amongst men because of the stigma. In fact I think I remeber them saying that they would estimate 100 percent of the men in a particular refugee centre would have been raped (same for the women of course) but very few would admit it. As I said, it was very sad. I fully appreciate it's not really relevant in this context as we are not talking about conflict situations and rape as weapon, but I would think men in the UK as well are even more reluctant than women to come forward if raped. The reasons for that are perfectly self-evident.

Wrt studies on rape victims and background etc I really can't imagine that is possible to do. I expect there are studies telling us the percentage of acquaintance rapes, place, time of day etc. Perhaps a comparison of sexual assaults vs rape by victim profile would be more useful as presumably the idea behind martial arts is that you fight off an attacker, not that they can tell from looking 'not to mess'. Although I always feel that bit safer carrying my boxing gloves for that very reason. Perhaps I delude myself. Anyway, as I said somewhere upthread, I have used my skills on a number of occasions to extricate myself from tricky situations that would have gone further if I had not been quite good at locks, punches and psychology. Which is not to say I will always be able to protect myself using my skills or even that I have always been able to protect myself! They'd be pretty useless against a gun for a start, or multiple attackers, or a stun gun. But they are definitely better than not having martial arts skills. I like the proactive approach not the fatalistic approach. Perhaps that's just a personal thing. It would do my head in if I accepted the idea some of you seem comfortable with - that if a rapist targets you, there's nothing you can do.

Disclaimer as per usual - I'm talking about future avoidance scenarios for me here, not victim blaming those who have been raped

I'm not comfortable with it merci it is scarey and depressing but still a fact of life. For example if I had succeeded in fighting him off then I would probably now have a criminal record for assault.

The only way you can protect yourself is to completely isolate yourself all the time and have no human contact but then you'd be a victim of fear and that is no way to live.

I'm not saying women should get drunk or wear skimpy clothes I haven't done either. Avoiding a lifestyle where you go out and get drunk can protect against liver disease, drink related falls etc. However to say it protects you from rape only offers a false sense of security.

I take a pragmatic approach with my 15 year old. She and I can discuss anything and I don't judge her - it means we can talk about any concern and that she can trust me. I never get angry at her, period. We discuss issues and resolve it, always. Leading on from this, we've talked about her safety a lot. The agreement that she's comfortable with is that she can wear what she wants, that I'll drop her off collect her in a way that will not embarrass her when out, that she keeps me informed where she is and when she's on the move (she always does) and also to switch on her phone tracker when out - just in case. Neither of us ever abuse the agreement and it works well for us both. It also helps being seen as somewhat cool by her friends since that means being able to tag along on days out as chaperone without having to ask / impose. There are elements I would prefer to handle differently (you can't always be their friend) but my priority is her safety so this is the approach we've discussed and agreed, that we both stick to and that works for us.

Her mum (we are not together anymore / daughter lives with me) takes a different approach of strict discipline. It doesn't work and DD simply lies to her and goes off to do what he wants anyway when with her. It's an interesting contrast that might help others think of a way that works for them.

Last thought, we have a protocol if anything should ever happen. Where to walk, how etc. What to do in the event of an attack. I regularly ask her to check in and see she remembers.

Hope this helps.

mmmmmm

How does male rape cause more of a stigma?

I do agree rape is rape regardless of gender

No, people will look at her and think, that she was asking for it,
it was somehow her fault
That she is lying
That it wasn't rape, she must have enjoyed it
You can't be raped in a relationship
She was drunk
She didn't say no
She is a prostitute so really it theft
She is frigid

Not forgetting the pregnancy risk

Sad but true, Blackout. Rape is rape regardless of gender. I agree that male rape victims do have to deal with the stigma that Mmmmmmm talks about. But they are not subject to the victim blaming that women are. They are not asked about what they were wearing, whether they were drunk, why were they out on their own, their past sexual history. Nobody goes around saying that men lie about being raped. And I bet Eamonn Holmes wouldn't have the gall the tell a man to 'get a cab next time'.