Would I be a terrible woman if i advise my DD's to act in a way so they are less likely to be assaulted.

[Rubytuesdayy]

With respect to lit streets, chaste clothes, state of drunkenness etc etc? Or would I be victim blaming prior to teh event. I KNOW that rape is the fault of the rapists, but I just want my DD's to be safe.

Going into a shop to ask for help is good advice. It is the advice that the police around here (Paris) give children/teens who are feeling anxious about something/someone in the street and shops are asked by police and local schools to be indulgent!

Oh and I won't be teaching dd about stranger danger either

In a plane crash, handbag. Knowing how to survive a plane crash would be relevant in that situation. Even if the car crash is more likely, knowing how to survive a car crash won't necessarily save you in a plane crash. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't learn how to survive a car crash as well. In any case, knowing how to survive either or both wouldn't guarantee survival anyway but does that mean you shouldn't bother learning about them?

Actually cheddar there is. Don't get on a plane.

Very true cheese.

It's very frightening to think that if someone wants to rape and you happen to be there then it's in their hands, not yours. I can understand why so many women want to reassure themselves that if they just stay in a group, don't drink too much, don't flirt, don't wear tight clothes then they have taken the control of the situation and can stay safe. I wish for all our sakes it were the case.

Re. Strangers, I should have clarified that a bit more. Obviously children can be taught to seek out a responsible adult but perhaps we should not even teach them that in case they blame themselves if they don't?

Running, I'm not sure how my post deserved the response you gave. It's quite a simple question.

Handbag, no one has said it will always protect you from rape but not everyone thinks that it will never protect you.

Bumbley this threads about planes not cars, even though most people are affected by cars not planes. So why focus on them to the exclusion of cars?

Not wearing a short skirt isn't going to stop someone's husband is it? Not walking home alone doesn't stop the male friend who walked you home? What can ops dds do to protect themselves from these things happening?

But it won't protect you, its a false sense of security

handbagCrab - I can answer that for you - live in a radfem separatist commune. And never go out. Ever.

I don't think anyone is excluding cars. They just happen to be talking about planes.

I dunno, the only woman I've met who was attacked by a rapist jumping out the bushes was sober, wearing jeans and a jumper and was going to the phone box in the early evening. Luckily she got away. He was a serial offender.

Ultimately librarians that is the only advice op can give her dds if that is they way she wants to go. Never leave the house. Never be in the house with a man. Sounds reasonable...

handbag, do you know that she definitely would have gotten away if she'd been drunk (less aware of her surroundings, slower reaction/ response times), wearing headphones (again, less aware) and wearing stilettos (less able to run)? There's really no way of knowing but it could have been because she was sober and wearing sensible shoes that she was more able to get away. The advice being mentioned isn't necessarily about decreasing your likelihood of being a target.

Bumbley, how would anyone know if she managed to get away drunk? It never happened.

Maybe she got away because he was a shit rapist

" There's really no way of knowing but it could have been because she was sober and wearing sensible shoes that she was more able to get away. "

Maybe he had a phone box fetish, maybe he hates the smell of booze, maybe with stilettos she could have permanently crippled him. It's not about her, it's about him.

when you are told that to keep yourself safe, you need to x, y and/or z, and you forget, or don't bother, or maybe you do do these things religiously

and it happens to you anyway

all this well meaning advice comes across as 'you could have prevented it if you had really tried' and 'it is your fault' regardless of the immaculate intentions of the humanitarian who is giving the advice

"but it could have been because she was sober and wearing sensible shoes that she was more able to get away"

Could have been his first attempt at rape? Like I said there is no way of knowing

I didn't say that it wasn't about him MrsTP. No one on this thread has said it was anyone else's fault other than the rapist's.

Trid thread will just keep going in circles. Some people think it is perfectly acceptable and sensible to give our children certain advice in life about lots of different things while others restrict that advice when it comes to certain situations. "Look both ways when you cross the road" - fine. Don't worry about them blaming themselves if they get hit by a car. "Don't get drunk and walk home alone" - not ok because your child may blame themselves if something happens to them. The latter doesn't make sense to me but it's not my place to tell you what to tell your children. I will argue with you if you try to tell me what to tell mine though! :)

" He was a serial offender. "

Myth Do not go out alone at any time. Women are most likely to be raped outside, in dark alleyways late at night. This is the best way for a woman to protect herself.

Fact The suggestion of avoiding walking alone, especially at night is a common suggestion to avoiding sexual assault. However, only 9% of rapes are committed by 'strangers'. Women are raped in their homes and in their work places where they are less likely to be believed and even less likely to report. This myth can control movements and restricts freedom. This can feel like women are living under a 'curfew' and that it is a woman's responsibility to be either in or out at certain times. More than 80% of rapes are committed by known men.

From RapeCrisis so by going by that you are safer walking home alone then from ever knowing a man

I didn't say that it wasn't about him MrsTP. No one on this thread has said it was anyone else's fault other than the rapist's

So why question the what if's on the womans part? You were making it about the victim and not the rapist

bumbleymummy your car analogy would work better, if, despite wning your children to look both ways when they crossed the street, you also stood a fair chance of being run over in your living room, or when a work colleague asked you into his office for a 'chat'

it is usually straightforward to avoid being hit by a car while crossing a road. i wish it were tgat easy to avoid being raped

i wish peace to anyone who might be being triggered by this thread

Unfortunately, the best a parent can do, is to advise their child/children, if they are going out to take sensible precautions. THe usual, enough credit in your phone, go out in a group etc., Common sense is the best approach here.

Unfortuantely this is an extremely sensitive subject for me, as my(then) 15 year old daughter was raped at 4 in the afternoon in a busy city centre, and unfortunately, no body came to her rescue, unfortunately, it was a totally random attack, and to this day, we do not know who this individual was or is.

Still having to deal with the fallout of this heinous criminal act.

I have become extremely paranoid eveytime she goes out, every time she comes home, i breathe a sigh of relief.

Men who are intent on raping, will do regardless of colour, size, looks etc., of their victim.

Oh Pomergranate