Just need to offload - can't take much more of my MIL

[WigWamBam]

I know she's something of a MN joke and everyone thinks she's funny, but my MIL has had me in tears all night last night and I really don't ever want to see the woman or hear her name ever again.

She has constantly and consistently undermined me and my parenting almost since the day my dd was born. The day after the birth she came to visit and was asked to leave after a few minutes because I was unwell (long labour, emergency section, blood transfusion, blah blah blah) and her response was "That's OK, no-one's come to see YOU anyway". The following day she came again while dh was at home, and when she got home she rang him to tell him what a crap mother I was - not talking to the baby enough, not cuddling the baby enough, not interacting (go figure; I was spaced out on morphine and in dreadful pain, and dd was spending most of the day asleep). And basically she has continued to undermine me in every aspect of my relationship with my daughter. She talks over me when I try to talk to dd or discipline her, she refuses to accept it when I say "no" to dd, she does things I have particularly asked her not to do.

Yesterday was my birthday, we'd had a nice day out and popped in to see her on the way home. We were only intending to stay for 20 minutes, so when dd asked if she could have her box of toys out I said no. She had paper and pencils, and was making things with the gift wrapping and ribbons from one of my presents so had plenty to play with. MIL kept saying "It's OK, they're not too difficult to get at, she can have them if she wants them", but I had said no because we weren't staying long, and MIL has been away from home for a while and her bags and cases were in the way of dd's toy boxes. When dd asked for the third time for her toys and I said no she started the emotional blackmail - started that fake crying that almost-5-year-olds are so good at. And my MIL hit the roof. She accused me of making everything horrible for my dd, spoiling her day, spoiling the time that we were spending there and yet again there was the implication (if not the stated opinion) that my parenting sucks. My dh told her that she was undermining me, which she denied, but when I asked to go home he wouldn't leave because he said I was over-reacting.

We did leave pretty soon, because I wouldn't stay and was going to walk home without him, but on the way home dh accused me of being paranoid about his mother (I'm not; you only have to read some of my posts about her to see what she's like with me). He has since told me that although he agrees she undermines me, I have to make allowances for the fact that she's in her 70s - basically I have to put up with her crap because she's old. As far as I am concerned, age is no excuse for her behaviour; she has all of her faculties, and she isn't losing her marbles - she just doesn't like me and she doesn't think I'm a good enough mother for her (only) grandchild.

It sounds like something really petty when I write it down, but it's really got to me this time. I have had 16 years of not being good enough for her son, almost 5 years of not being good enough for her grandchild, and I can't take this much more. Particularly if dh isn't prepared to support me against her. He phoned her last night when I was in the bath, I could hear him asking whether she was OK and how she was feeling ... he's now acting as if nothing has happened, and expecting me to go out tomorrow to buy presents for her birthday later in the week.

Sorry this is so long and rambling; I'm not sure why I'm posting it really but I'm so hurt and upset by it all and just need to get it out. There's nothing anyone can say to make it better or make it go away, I just need for someone to listen and understand. Sorry.

I didn't mean you to have a talk with him - it's just a statement. You simply say:

I will not be seeing your mother any more, nor do I want to hear anything about her or her opinions of me. I would hope you are able to support me in this.

And then ignore him, but look as if you aren't by simply repeating "I've made my decision. It will be best for all concerned".

And think of roses and butterflies and your favourite beach and perfume and how it feels when you receive an unexpected postal order from a titled relation while he's talking.

Chin up my love, and don't go telling me you're not up to doing this because you are. You stood up to those bitches at school, you're a strong lady x x x x

wwb, it doesnt matter that you are 'expected' to deal with it. dont sort out her birthday gift. do an email to your dh if you have to so he cant 'forget' you told him to do it himself. i agree totally that you should put nothing more into that woman. no more buying her birthday / xmas gift, no more going to see her. she is almost 70. wait it out.

i know, everyone is going to say M2PW how HORRIBLE and EVIL you are - but be honest, your life is going to be so much better after she goes. you are far nicer than me, so you probably dont, but it would certainly have corssed MY mind!

and good luck - I hate confrontation and would do everything possible to avoid it. Perhaps you can just present it to your DH as a statement of fact. I am no longer prepared to do x,y,z. FULLSTOP.

??

Giddy, she has always tried to undermine and belittle me but it never got to me until I had dd. And I know that she would have been the same whoever dh had married ... but she makes it so personal.

I have always greeted everything with a serene smile and never risen to anything, but where dd is concerned she can really push my buttons. Maybe because my self-confidence is low and I do question whether my parenting is good enough sometimes - even though I know I'm a good Mummy. My dd is happy, confident, bright, caring and loving, and some of that has to be down to me!

I agree with everything hunker says

Don't start questioning your parenting - that way madness lies! You know deep down you do absolutely fine. Another very good reason to withdraw from the line of fire IMO.

MTPW, you said exactly what my own mother said ten years ago when I was crying on her shoulder about my MIL ...

Hunker, I know you're right but I don't feel strong, I don't feel I can do anything about it at all, but I also know that I have to because otherwise it's going to eat me up inside.

You're already doing something about it - you're posting on here. If you were sitting sobbing in the corner you'd not be doing anything about it (but fwiw, you're allowed to do that too, just not too much, OK? Set an alarm clock - five minutes of sobbing then a cup of tea and some shaky sighing).

You are someone I'd love to meet (and don't give me any of that "oh, you'd not like me" fanny, OK - I'm a good judge of character and I like yours ) - if you ever want to chat off board, email me - hunkermunker at gmail dot com

Thanks hunker. My email is playing up at the moment but once I have it sorted out I might just do that.

And honestly you would be really disappointed if you ever met me ... I've met me, I know

I'm with HunkerMunker......she's right (and I'd like to meet you too!)

WWB, my MIL used to be exactly the same as yours. my dh and fil never said anything to her as they didn't want to upset her. Dh used to say I was overreacting or imagining insults where none existed. It was like talking to a brick wall speaking to dh. it was so frustrating, as it upset me so much. In the end I just stopped visiting with him (this was before we had children) and he was so lazy that if I didn't encourage us to visit, he hardly went (so she lost out).

In the end, the only thing that stopped her being nasty was when dh intervened. Once, she said something so unpleasant to me that it left me speechless and he just couldn't ignore it and confronted her. After that the insults stopped. I don't think we'll ever be best friends but the situation is tolerable. I never buy her presents or cards, and as my dh sounds just like yours, this means she doesn't get any.

Hee hee
"
(and don't give me any of that "oh, you'd not like me" fanny, OK - I'm a good judge of character and I like yours )"
That made me laugh!!!!!!
Fanny is a funny word isn't it

I am so impressed by all of the mature and measured advice on this thread. If I had your mil, Wigwam, I would have told her to eff off long ago and if dh didn't support me I would have said the same to him.

There is some great advice here but above all try to be confident in yourself and tell yourself how good a job you are doing with your daughter. The better you feel about yourself the less mils nastiness will matter. As far as present buying goes - please, please don't do it, but if you must get something you know she will hate.

Giddy - 'floury baps' always makes me smirk in a childish way.

No no you're not a wuss at all, you sound very decent and kind. Like I said I would probably be the same as you. I have a friend whose own mother has been quite nasty to her, bad-mouthing her behind her back etc and she had counselling to deal with it. And this was after friend had over and over confronted and discussed things with her mother. She has now accepted that things won't change, they have a very up and down relationship.

Probably you don't want to tackle her because deep down you know it will change nothing, and from what you say I think that cutting yourself off from her will make you feel guilty.

i do hope you find a way to resolve this and be happy.

hee hee
and on the (of course) extremely rare occasion that I blow off, I giggle insanely to the point that I could cry.
I so remember my horrible strict Mother yelling at me "go the toilet!!!" when I did one. My brother and I got the giggles and I couldnt stop.
My DH still finds it amazing that I giggle like a girl!
sorry to lower the tone everyone
maybe ex-mil was right all along
hee hee

hee hee
and on the (of course) extremely rare occasion that I blow off, I giggle insanely to the point that I could cry.
I so remember my horrible strict Mother yelling at me "go the toilet!!!" when I did one. My brother and I got the giggles and I couldnt stop.
My DH still finds it amazing that I giggle like a girl!
sorry to lower the tone everyone
maybe ex-mil was right all along
hee hee

I don't know if this will help but I stopped having anything to do with my ILs, just over a year ago. No more phone conversations, no more cards, presents, contact - I do remind DP about birthdays but only once. And, I feel so much better.

Negative, undermining, downright rude on some occasions and one day, I just had enough. Unless I am reading something like this and it all comes flooding back, I don't think of them. My life is better for me without them and my DSs won't be put in an invidious position. They no longer can treat me appallingly because I am not there. The downside is they see DP and our boys so much less, which is sad for them. Me? Well, there are too many people out there whom I want to spend time with.

I laughed outloud at your elastic story - it beat my paper serviettes hand down.

Please do tell your dh that it's his month, his responsibility to get her a present. Reminding him of the date of her birthday is sufficient wifely duty.

Hunkermunker is right: just state as a fact to him and don't get in to an argument. I'm a fine one to talk - I avoid conforntation/difficult disucssions with dh because I am scared of the possibilty (no, certainty) of getting upset: but avoiding things deons't make them go away, they just fester and get worse.

If you are that worried about getting upset, then write him a letter saying how ou feel and telling him that this is how you are going to deal with his mother in future, in order to safeguard your own sanity and well being. This will mean that you will avoid all future contact and leave him to take your dd over to see her. You are not asking him to choose betnween her and you: you are just asking for his support in accpeting that this way forweard is the best way for you, his wife.

WWB it does sound very serious.

When I felt as desperate as you do about my MIL I called the health visitor and sobbed incoherently on the phone. She came and gave me an emergency session and persuaded me to see a counsellor who was hugely helpful. Counselling helped me to step back a bit, stop taking all the responsibility for trying to make an impossible situation work.

She encouraged me to put our family (me, dd who was still in utero and dh) first. MIL, remember, has had her chance. Mine, like yours, was widowed early and relied on my dh (who was 40 when we married) even though he lived a long way away. She was hugely hostile when I came on the scene and was jealous even of dd, her only grandchild.

I have posted before about the fruitlessness of trying to build bridges with her. Things only improved when we accepted that she wouldn't change. We stopped contact, apart from a brief visit once a year on our own terms. Last year I didn't even go on that but let dh take dd without me.

Dh was not supportive at the beginning but took the attitude that I should just ignore her. When he realised how serious it was, which took a couple of years, he did support me. Counselling helped me to be more assertive about insisting on his support and not feel guilty about 'coming between' them.

When he started to try being firm with her he soon found out just how poisonous she could be. She rapidly turned on him too ('you're not my son any more').

I have never taken over any of his responsibility for his relationship with her. She has never had a birthday present or card from us because he does not do it.

I don't want to bore Mumsnet into a coma with this ghastly story but even now that she's incapacitated and no longer a threat I only wish that I had not tried so hard with her. If I could do it all again I would ruthlessly cut her out of our lives. My dh and dd would have had the benefit of a healthier and happier me if I'd been strong enough to do that.

OOops - notice a typo - meant to say "it's his mother", not "it's his month".

There's some food for thought in your post, eemie. It sounds ghastly - I'm pleased for you that you were able to move on. Saadia hit the nail on the head though with me - guilt. I don't know if I could live with the guilt of cutting her off completely, even though in my eyes it's not my fault.

I don't know how we got onto fannies, floury baps and blowing off but it seems somehow very appropriate given the subject matter

Crikey, dd is sitting watching me type and is managing to read what I'm posting ... am I ever going to have to be careful now she's getting good at reading!

WWB - I had similar problems with my MIL when my dds were little (although she was only in her mid 50s), and felt that my dh wasn't supportive enough of me. He had to remind me that he'd had over 25 years practice to get to the point where he basically "ignored" her and let her rantings "go over his head". He didn't tackle her about how she spoke to me, because he knew it wouldn't achieve anything, although I was really hurt by her words.

I agree with telling your dh that you are now stepping back from the relationship with her. If it's of any consolation, my MIL (now in her 70s) has apologised for making my life a misery when the dds were little, and we have a much nicer relationship.

Thanks everyone.

Well, I told him ... he sat without speaking for about five seconds then said ...

"What are we having for tea then?"

He's acting as if nothing has happened, and as if I haven't said anything. He's been talking to his mother on the phone, laughing and joking as if nothing's happened. I just feel so bloody miserable and when I told him how I feel he just wanted to know what's for tea.

I just can't believe this.

Told my mil that I did not want a relationship with her three years ago. She still does not get it. I tolerate her in the house for the sake of my children but make sure that she does not step out of line ie remarks. She has learnt to keep her comments to herself. husband tbh has been fairly spineless, normally no problems stepping up to the plate. but I guess thats little boys for you. Whilst not a nice situation, it is infinitely better than the alternative of constantly having to bite my tongue and tolerate her ignorant behaviour.