**Please don't read this if you're easily upset by the idea of abortion/termination, or ob/gyn trauma
apologies in advance for length, don't want to drip feed
It was really difficult to decide where to post this. can't put it in infertility or conception for fear of upsetting people, can't put it in pg loss because it covers infertility... hope this is ok.
DH and I have just started TTC. It's exciting, we're ready for it emotionally and financially, no worries there.
When i was a teenager 10+ years ago, I was forced by my family to have an abortion. it was incredibly traumatic not least because it was performed without anaesthetic (i grew up outside the UK). after i left my family and started life on my own, i had a lot of therapy and it's behind me now. I am still extremely sad about it, but accept now that i was innocent in the situation, and the baby is in a better place, whatever that place may be iyswim.
it was a d&c-type abortion. I was given medication that opened my cervix and then the Dr performed a D&C with a sharp instrument (not vacuum extraction).
(**This is the upsetting part, please don't read if easily upset)
When I was on the table initially, i was being held down across the shoulders/chest. I was moving my pelvis trying to get away from the Dr's hands. The Dr told me to lie still, and if i didn't he might cut me and I would be made infertile. out of fear of what might happen and having realised this baby was not going to have a chance, i lay still for the rest of the procedure.
During recovery i bled for slightly longer than normal iirc, but had no infection etc. Since that time i've been on the pill. when went off it for six months a few years ago, and had normal clockwork periods, just as before the pg. I've just stopped the pill again last week so obvy no natural period yet.
THe problem is I am terrified that this doctor scarred me as he said he would. I now know about Asherman's syndrome (adhesions caused by D&C, leading to infertility) and I am so afraid. I'm probably more afraid of how angry and desolate i will feel if it turns out i can't have children & that terrible memory is all i will ever have, with no baby of my own to hold.
it's very hard to talk about this because a) it involves abortion and ppl don't like to hear about that, b) it's horrific and ppl don't want to believe it happened to me. I am even afraid to tell my current Dr what happened, and to ask his advice, because he may not believe me. MN seems like the only place I can ask.
AIBU to be deathly afraid that i may never get pregnant again, or carry a baby to term? and what on earth do I do to keep going through the fear?
i have told my therapist what happened. She is lovely, and she tries to help me...she actually specializes in infertility counselling (i didnt choose her for that reason, only found out after i started going), but she's from a different world and i know she just can't understand what i've been through. DH furious with my parents (has been since I told him, it was not his baby that was terminated btw) but there is always that touch of helplessness... he can't go back in time and save me, there's nothing he can do. he tries to support me, but there's only so much crying I can do before I put him into a place of stress and worry. which is not going to help TTC.
Also: In the meantime i'm doing whatever i can to gather info about my fertility (temping, charting, OPKs) so that if we have no luck TTC after a year, I can go to the OB with a full complement of info and will be able to push for immediate investigation. If anyone has suggestions about what else i can do, please do let me know.
Other subjects
to be sh!tting myself after a traumatic termination experience
oikopolis · 29/11/2011 17:53
Congratulations. Wishing you a wonderful pregnancy and birth...and then the real fun starts 
.
As for your doctor, it is a real shame that he did not listen the first time BUT the fact he admitted he had made a mistake speaks volumes and probably means he does not suffer from a GOD complex, which can only be a good thing.
well i had my referral appointment and the OB is very nice indeed.
she said she had read my letter and had found it difficult to finish, had felt very disturbed by it. this is an appropriate response however much i dislike disturbing people 
so i just said "i understand". she said that if i ever had the slightest worry i was to phone her up for a chat. really a lovely woman. she's had a baby herself already and that's comforting, i feel.
the only thing that threw me was, she was utterly bowled over that I wasn't requesting a caesarean as a matter of course. she thought (i think) that this was why i had pressured the GP to refer to me early.
i explained that i didn't want to place yet another doctor in control of my body and birth as a matter of course, but that i would have a CS if that was the best choice for the situation, in terms of my/baby's health etc... that i wasn't afraid of birth, just of my doctor treating me like i wasn't there.
she seemed amazed by this. i didn't know what to make of that really. am i insane? is that a crazy thing to want, a normal birth? she kept saying "well if you're sure you want to labour..." as if that was ridiculous. it's not that i want to labour... i just would like to try for a normal experience.
anyone who has an opinion on this please let me know what it is. i am open to the idea that i'm being silly here.
actually she also said one other thing that made me feel weird. she said "i'm very surprised that you've been able to have a normal sexual relationship after what you went through".
that made me feel a bit like i was a freak. it's hard to explain. like she was saying "any normal person would have never recovered from this. either you're not normal, or this never actually happened"
am i being oversensitive??
sigh
i'm going back in a month and will address all these questions with her then. am a little bit deflated though. she was so so so nice.... but some of her reactions jarred...
BUT then i try to remember that she is reacting to something that is very far outside her frame of ref and she is not always going to know what to say. maybe i am being oversensitive...
beside that my pregnancy is so healthy it's actually a bit obscene. baby was bouncing around like there's a trampoline in there at 12 week scan this morning. and it turns out i am measuring 14 weeks, not 12.
i can't think who would understand, unfortunately (or perhaps more fortunately). that level of violation, by parents is pretty hard to get your head round. i'm so sorry and angry for you, and i share the doctors' admiration for you, tbh.
i'm curious to know if you have any relationship with your family, if it's not too nosey to ask? you might be over-whelmed with feelings of protection and love for this little one coming, i know i was and i get on well enough with my folks. how do you think that will go, do you feel like a 'normal' pregnant woman in that respect? (ie, bonkers. 
)
i think you are expressing yourself very well, oikopolis... remember as well that CS/epidural/all that stuff is very much the preserve of the OB. they are not a representative sample of women by definition, they see 'problem' births and as a population tend opt for more 'intervention-y' births from what i understand. i have an obs chum, she says they all think natural birth types are a bit nuts.
so yes, write it down. you speak for yourself very well.
I have just seen this and just wanted to say I am sooooooooooo glad that you and your precious little bundle are doing so well.
I think you are right about the OB, she was indeed wanting so much to be supportive and referencing that to perhaps more "usual" abuses if I can describe is so....... eg someone pg after rape / sexual abuse survivor (hence the surprise about normal sexual relationships).
I think that is is much better to write stuff down, particularly difficult but important issues because we can easily miss something or define words differently when we are emotional ...... doctors too sometimes hear what they expect to rather than what is being said ...... and again define differently just like us ... like you said re defining "forced" termination. Its out of current day references in UK for the medical professional to even consider what you described.
I wish you all the very best oikopolis 
I think awareness is growing despite being soooo rare .... like female circumscision without aneasthesia. It's not an awareness one wishes anyone to need however .. and as you say it does mean that few can really understand.
The culture thing might be part of it but I think that when anyone meets someone who has had an extraordinary abuse and it's unexpected I dont think its easy to take it on board that these things happen. I was abused for 8 years by a paedophile group and thats rarer than most survivors experience ... so again hard for anyone to actually process. We all hear sometimes what we expect to hear rather than what is actually said as well . and when a professional is busy and expects only to have the "normal" pregnant women talking about "normal" procedures and fears like the health of baby / scans / fears of needles maybe etc ... well its just unexpected !
I had teeth extracted as a child when not properly under aneasthesia and never went into a dentists again til aged 19 and desperate (\t times could not even bear to clean my teeth for days /weeks at a time) ....so has something a little similar experince re lack of trust issues with that particular professional
little oikopolis must be well into making his or her prescence known ... give bump a little hug please (((0)))
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