When people say 'No-one can make you feel bad...'

[Pruni]

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I don't agree at all. I know very few people who are so strong and have so much utter belief in themselves as to not listen or take any notice of other people.

Of course people listen to others and of course people's nasty or unkind comments affect people and how they feel. You'd be inhuman for it not to surely!

its patentaly rubbish because if only you cna make you feel bad, why do so many other people mpiss me off? who said it here?

i've also seen that on here quite a bit. usually when people are trying to be empowering to others. it is a way of trying to say to people "don't listen to what others say about you, you are fab, gorgeous etc and what you think about yourself is the most important thing". How you feel about yourself is v important but it is also hard to put aside things taht poeple say to you.

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was reading this thread Pruni and thinking 'ah, thats a typical counselling line'. My head understands it but my feelings certainly don't!

'You are responsible for your feelings'. ie you are in control. If someones does something that makes you feel angry it is your responsbility to deal with that emotion. No-one can 'make you angry', that angers comes from inside you. - apparently!!!!!!!

For example. If DH is really untidy, he doesn't do that on purpose. He is just untidy. Therefore, if I come home and find the house a mess, I am angry. I am angry because I don't like mess. Therefore, it is my emotion and the way I think has made that situation make me angry. Get it?

But I agree with you. I don't get it either!!!!

oh i totally agree that others have an impact on our feelings - especially an important person like our partner. I think it is one of those mantras that people use in a well meaning way but it can leave people feeling even more of a failure when they "fail" to take charge of their feelings, self esteem etc. that sort of thing comes from that very individualistic approach to therapy - "the answers lie within you" kinda thing. Its very americanised and the sort of thing you hear Oprah going on about. Having said that i think there is scope for reminding women in abusive realtionships that they still have some scope for making decisions. But we must always do so whilst acknowledging that the scope they have to make positive decsions is severely limited by the abusive realtionship. If we don;t acknowledge that then there is a risk of pathologising women for being in abusive relationship. I hope your friend is doing OK

Aha. I feel exactly the same way Pruni. It just sounds like psychobabble to me. My sister who had extensive life coaching and is now a life coach herself says it all the time. I think it is a horribly unhelpful thing to say to someone who has been genuinely hurt by another's actions or words. It also denies the personal responsibility we all have to look after one another and behave like decent human beings.

agree

what i mean by that pruni is that the things that hurt us are thing that tap into our own often secret beliefs about ourselves.

for eg, if you KNOW that you are a generous person, then being called tight might irritate you, but isn't going to hurt and make you angry in the way that it might if you kind of believe that sometimes you are somewhat ungenerous.

if you are aware that you are tight and the reasons why you are, again it can't hurt you as much. so the more self aware and honest we are with ourselves the less we buy into the horrible things that people can say, or at least if they are true we've come to terms with that aspect of our nature.

to my mind, it's not an excuse for being horrible to someone but rather it's about realising that we are vulnerable in ourselves not because someone has made us that way with their comments...does that make any sense at all whatsoever????

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but you'd only be really hurt by it if you somewhere in your believe that you are awful at it...if you know you are good and work hard you'd think that person was a bit of a freak for saying it wouldn't you?

no no i didn't say it!!! don't know what thread you are referring to actually....was just trying to explain how i see it.

thing is the husband may be copping out short term but in long term may end up getting left if she decides she doesn't want to live with his arseness

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but that person would be a bit of a twisted old git wouldn't they...so actually you should feel a bit sorry for them....

but that person would be a bit of a twisted old git wouldn't they...so actually you should feel a bit sorry for them....

Pruni, I do (sort-of) agree with this expression.

The thing is, your friend cannot change her DH's behaviour, but she can change her reaction to it. And her decision to continue living with him.

We do own our own feelings. Obviously, someone can say something with the intent of hurting me, and that's horrible, but at the same time, I only get hurt because I allow myself to be hurt.

it's true isn't it that the best place to be is one of utter defenselessness. a place where you love yourself and therefore can love others and can hear the things they say that are true and acknowledge them and think about them and hear the things they say that aren't true and just let them slide over you without effect.

i know that only buddha and jesus and the truly enlightened probably ever get there but it's worth striving for and i think is the natural extension of what we're talking about.

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sopahble agree completely. I cocked up at work a few weeks ago and someone said 'Well it's cos you're crap really'. She said it in jest (but deadpan), and I know I'm good at my job so I burst out laughing - and so did she. But if I had doubts about my ability I would have found it crushing.

Although some people might think it's a cop out to say we are in charge of our feelings and some might use it so they can use it as 'get out of jail free', I find it really useful to hold onto being in charge. Also to remember that there are things I can control and things I can't but I can control how I deal with them and feel better by making myself busy changing the things I can.

Not sure if that's very clear actually.

much clearer than me suew!

oi soph on msn (sorry)

Ah, but Pruni, if someone you care about and respect says things to you with the intent of hurting you, you should stop caring about and respecting them.

Also, someone else can't "fix" how you can feel. Only you can.