When people say 'No-one can make you feel bad...'

[Pruni]

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I'll just put in something else about this that bothers me... it's that it is clearly so unacceptable to say nasty things to children, and not at all reasonable to expect them to let it wash over them. We all know that children who grow up hearing they are worthless, naughty, dirty or whatever will almost certainly have great problems as adults ridding themselves of these feelings. Nobody is going to tell them "your parents can't make you feel worthless" - are they? Their parents have made them feel like that!

So at what point in our lives do other people's comments, theoretically, not affect us? At what point do we have to say "I am now too mature to let this bother me"?

good point franny but I would def say that point does arrive with adulthood.
I do agree that we have a responsibility to try not to hurt other's feelings, but I would say there is a sliding scale. we have a strong responsibility to those closest to us, and an absolute responsibility to children (ALL of them). but it falls away the further people are from our close circle. and it acn be SO HARD to guess, predict or aniticpate what might be offensive.
for example, I will happily take comments from close friends about (say) my enormous backside, but I would be deeply hurt by wuch a comment from my MIL. and some things are hurtful one day and not the next. I cannot reasonably expect anyone else to judge those kind of nuances of context and mood. and I would not criticise them for failing to do so.

(MI I miss your Christmas name and your ex is a twonk )

I think it is true to say that you cannot change other people, but you can choose how you react to other people. It does NOT mean that you should not try to be kind.

I think this is about what we can change though. We don't have control over a lot of what happens to us and inevitably some of that will be awful stuff and for some people (like your hypothetical child example, faz) lots of it will be profoundly awful. The bit we do have some control over is how we respond- some emotionally abused children are somehow resilient enough to one day recognise that they are NOT worthless and that the problem lay with their parents, not them. Admittedly this is swoonworthily amazing of them but it does happen. And in smaller ways, as harpsi says, I do think good mental health depends on us being able to recognise what is and is not within our control- what we can change and what we must come to terms with, if we can.

I also don't like it because it is telling people how they should or should not feel. It is my business how I feel. Just because all you more mature, adult people wouldn't let yourself feel anything bad - pah!

No, I don't think it is telling people how they 'should' feel. You can feel bad or good, but they are your feelings. If you don't like how you feel, you can change.

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I think the logical end result is something like MI's ex's comment, though, or a friend off-loading to another friend and being told "You don't have to feel like that". I think it's crummy life-coachy sloganeering.

Pruni, but you don't have to disregard things. You can choose to listen and take things on board.
The point of saying this is to make you realise you have power. You are not a little beach ball bounced around on the waves of other people's approval. Yes, we are social creatures by nature, so of course we have strong emotional reactions to things that are said to us. But we can, if we choose to, take a step back and say, 'wow, that was a hurtful and unkind thing to say. But really, it is more about them than me.'
It might take some time and effort on our part to truly believe this, but it can only benefit you. It isn't for anyone else's benefit.

crummy life-coachy sloganeering LOL
go on say what you really mean franny
I have never had counselling as it happens
but I think it is empowering to ficus on what is within your control rather than continually being overwhelmed by your reaction to other people's behaviour or words
but as pruni says it does need to be combined with the courage to tell others NOT to say things if you find them hurtful and the balls to turf unkind people (to borrow ALoha's terminology) out of your life.
if you are always hearing hurtful comments, then you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people. ditch them

And as I said, I think people ought to be kind, but we can't make them be kind.

Yes I hope I didn't inadvertantly offend anyone by my crummy life coachy comment

Exits thread carefully, trying not to make anyone feel bad on the way out....

I'm not sure it's about disregarding what's said to us though. It's about thinking whether we agree or not; deciding what bits genuinely belong to us and are our problem that we can change.
eg: Me and my partner argue less about housework these days because I genuinely took on board that he hates a messy house and he genuinely took on board that he hates a messy house.

I agree that if someone says or does something clearly offensive, then says 'you are choosing to be upset', then they should be strung up and eviscerated.

LOL aloha.

yes I think it is only valid or indeed bearable when you say it TO YOURSELF. if someone says it to you as an excuse for bad behaviour then it is just MORE bad behaviour.

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There are two different scenarios being discussed here...
Feeling hurt because someone has specifically and deliberately critisised you is very different from feeling hurt because someone has talked about their own experience which has triggered emotional pain relating to your experience. (Eg birth stories, breastfeeding etc).

If we only ever said it to ourselves, nobody would ever know anyone else ever said it or thought it, and we couldn't have this conversation. And I would be happy instead of having been made to feel bad...

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Separating out the two can sometimes be very very hard though, sm...

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I am going to parp myself from this thread actually because it does make me feel exceptionally cross. There are so clearly myriad occasions on which people can, and do, make each other feel bloody awful and I would be divinely happy never to hear this stupid phrase ever again.

that's another interesting point essbee. In instances where there has been serious damage done to someone's psyche it may require professional help, such as CBT to help you work through how to form a realistic self-image in the face of criticism by partner/parent etc.