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Original poster

People touching babies. Your opinions.

117 replies

GemgleBells · 14/12/2005 09:28

My Dd is 11 weeks old and I have always enjoyed people cooing over her when I take her out. Like most mums I get a hugh sense of pride when they tell me how lovely she is and ask about her.

But yesterday someone touched her. I was feeding her in the corner of a coffee shop when a group of three women came in and moved towards the back of the shop. The first in the group saw Dd and made for her like a greyhound for a hare. She grabbed Dd's hand and started stroking it before she even asked any questions. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do but held Dd extra close and gave her very short answers and fight the urge to hit this women. Told Dh last night and he said if he'd been there she would have been in no doubt as to where she could put her hand.

Are we over-reacting? Have you ever done that? We wouldn't do it to an adult we didn't know, so is it acceptable to do it to a baby? Opinions please.

OP posts:
colditz · 14/12/2005 19:10

I wouldn't touch a stranger's baby, but....

I always want to.

thecattleareALOHing · 14/12/2005 19:11

sorry - see thread has moved on

EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 14/12/2005 19:17

I ´think´we should obviously ...
Grr, hate typos.

EatDrinkAndBeAMerryPip · 15/12/2005 08:18

Have I managed to kill this thread then?

Curmudgeonlett · 15/12/2005 08:24

I'd always ask first before touching a stranger's child

cathyspamtaslittlehelper · 15/12/2005 08:28

I think there has been a wee bit of over-reacting going on i can understand you feeling protective over your baby but people dont mean any harm - they are just interested in your little bundle of joy. People just love babies!

hativity · 15/12/2005 08:47

I think it's slightly disrespectful to the parent, precisely because there are people who would feel uncomfortable. Although I adore babies and love to touch them I would never wade in quite like this mum did. I think it's important to interact with the mum not just the baby - once you've said hello and chatted a little (and established yourself as a mum too) you get a feel for the person and the rest of the conversation/interaction is natural. I'm always conscious - with strangers - that I know absolutely nothing about the parent, and that having a recent baby, as a minimum means a certain amount of upheaval but could also mean PND, a traumatic birth, deep seated anxiety about breast-feeding, exhaustion, strained relationship etc etc and that I am a random stranger with the potential to do/say the wrong thing. As for the urge to hit, I think that's just some wierd physiological protection thing going on - probably has all sorts of chemicals firing off in your head.

PantomimEDAMe · 15/12/2005 08:56

No, I wouldn't like that either. It's an invasion of personal space (yours, really, since dd is too young to object). I would always ask if I felt the urge!

Aggressive reaction was just newish mother protectiveness kicking in, I think.

PantomimEDAMe · 15/12/2005 08:58

Maybe it is a city thing though - you are all so hemmed in you get very protective of your personal space. Outside the city it's less important because everyone has room to breathe. Maybe I'm on your side because I lived in London for 17 years and the need to defend your personal space has become so ingrained!

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 15/12/2005 09:03

I think it also depends how many children you have. If ds3 starts kicking off when I am dealing with the others (especially ds1 obviously as I then cannot pay any attention to ds3 at all), I pray that someone will pick him up. Don;t care who it is, don't want to talk to them, certainly don't want them to fuss around asking me whether its ok, I just want someone to pick him up.

MaryP0p1 · 15/12/2005 10:03

I remember going to a restaurant in England with my children. It was my and my DD birthday. There was only one other family in the restaurant and they had a small baby. There was nobody else there. It was only 5.30/6pm. My children are 7 and 3 and they were playing and obviously didn't want to sit the entire time. We were opening presents talking and generally enjoying ourselves. Our group was large. The baby was crying and the Mum was obviously struggling to keep baby quiet. The baby was possible 3/4 months old. Dad was getting impatient with the baby and the baby kept dropping a toy. My 3 year deciding, kindly to play with the baby and keep giving the toys back to the baby.

The family basically shood my son away and started ignoring the baby which promptly cried continuously thoughout the meal. The parents then glared at us for the rest of the meal.

OK possibly people might not like people they don't know touching their baby but another child playing with their so they can get on and eat is stupid.

flutterbeedreaminofawhitexmas · 15/12/2005 10:26

I have no problem at all with people wanting to touch my DS (5 weeks old) I think its lovely it makes me smile and makes them smile so what can really be wrong with it.

dexter · 15/12/2005 10:41

Have to say MaryPOp1, off the subject a bit, that I think in restaurants children SHOULD sit all the time!!!! You can never assume other people want your kids about, even if they have kids themselves. I think it's so rude for kids to wander about restaurants and it's up to the parents to make it child centred - if they're bored, either leave or take them for a walk around the garden, a look at the pictures or something. I am a bit hot on this, don't know why. I think it's because when we've been anywhere I've worked damn hard to entertain my son so that he doesn't walk around the place. Then you see others just letting their kids wander - it's not appropriate in that particular environment. Restaurants are not for playing, they are for a particular experience of eating as a family.

MaryP0p1 · 15/12/2005 10:45

Not where I live!!!!

And we to add the point we pciked a time where there was nobody else in the restuarant therefore where was the harm? The other family came in after us.

I am of the opinion this is why the British society is so dame unfriendly to children and families. Because we exclude children even from the eating with us, they don't eat what we eat they eat children's meals!! Whats that all about?

dexter · 15/12/2005 11:27

I don't feel it's excluding them from eating with adults if you expect them to sit at a table! It's what we do at home. I feel it's giving them a life skill, to know how to behave in social situations. If they want to wander round and play, we would do that somewhere other than a restaurant!
I agree though, children's menu's are a totally bizarre thing. We wouldn't dream of eating different things at home, as if a child can't eat a normal meal!! Is this a particularly English thing? I suspect it is - embarrassing really isn't it!

Original poster
GemgleBells · 15/12/2005 11:28

Okay it happened again this morning. Doesn't happen at all for first 11 weeks and then twice in 72 hours, go figure. No overly aggresive urge this time, but this women was MUCH calmer than the over-excited one the other day. I still felt a little anxious but took your advice and breathed deeply and smiled at how irrisitable my Dd is.

I can't say I'll ever be comfortable with people I don't know radomly touching my Dd (I'll add it to the list of things that I need to solve to be perfect. ) but I will work on it. Thanks to you guys at least I've gotten a little perspective.

Thanks again, G

OP posts:
Original poster
GemgleBells · 15/12/2005 11:32

Do you let your children run around and play during meals at home? So why would you in a restaurant?

When my sister and I were young, obviously my Dd is a little too young to be running around, we were taught to sit in a restaurant. It made us feel grown up to be taken out and therefore we had to act grown up. Agree with dexter, it's a life skill that they are learning.

OP posts:
Caligyulea · 15/12/2005 11:34

I sort of agree with both of you on this. Learning to sit at the table and stay there until the meal is finished, is a life skill kids need to acquire, but I'm not sure by what age they ought to have acquired it. And I don't think it's reasonable to say that until they've acquired it, they shouldn't go to restaurants at all. For the couple of years where they are still learning to do it, they will have blips - just as when they sometimes wet themselves even when they've been dry a couple of years because accidents sometimes happen. I don't think they can be expected to get it right every single time - if they can manage it 80 or 90% of the time, that ought to be good enough for most people. (Obviously though, if you're the English diner who is subject to the 10 - 20% of the times when they don't get it right, you're going to assume that they never sit at the table - that's where tolerance and understanding comes in!)

dexter · 15/12/2005 11:50

caligyulea, my view is it's lazy parents causing the problems! I'm not saying kids shouldn't go to restaurants at all - and obviously sitting for long is difficult for younger ones; Therefore the parents just need to work hard to ensure the kids don't wander - for instance as I said earlier, take them for a walk or play in the garden, take them to look at the pictures on the walls, even take them to the loo to 'play' handwashing with the water; then they can have another sit for another while.

I just think some parents expect to sit on their bums in a restuarant for the same length of time that they did before they had kids!!

MaryP0p1 · 15/12/2005 12:58

Well done Gemglebells.

I think its a cultural thing because here it perfectly normal when the child have finished their meal to move away from the table and play. In fact it is also perfectly normal for 8 years olds to hold their birthday at a pizza place and sit without adults interferring and certainly by the time they are 12 they have their own social life without parents. The The parents just ferry them around until they can ride scooters (15 is the point they can have a scooter). meals for the 8 years would have the Mum and Dad of the Birthday person and thats it. Normally the whole class is invited. My friend is preparing her 6 year for using the bus on her own in 2 or 3 years time.

I can remember not so long ago going to a restaurant run by a friend of mine and the children pretending to be waiters and watresses. The customers gave pretend orders to the children. This particular restaurant is very informal more like an Italian Wimpy than a restaurant in the UK. I however do live in a village where everybody knows of each other if not knows each others so that probably accounts for alot of the difference.

So at meal times your children don't get up at all, not even to show you something or talk to someone at the other end of the table if they are at home. Do they have to remain sitting even when the food is finished and all that is going on is talking?

MaryP0p1 · 15/12/2005 13:00

Dexter I don't see why I can't stay at a restaurant for the same amount of time I did pre children. Having children doesn't meal I have to rush my food and the family not enjoy the experience.

ImdreadinganAUTIExmas · 15/12/2005 13:54

Troublke with all this children must sit still nonsense is that it makes it impossible to take ds1 to a restaurant as he can't (he's 6 and severely autistic). Actually thinking about it last time we went to a restaurant with him he was 3 and we were in France. Says it all........

But still heaven forbid the disableds would walk around a restaurant ruining it for everyone else. (He's not usually noisy as he can't talk, and he's generally house trained, but I never dare even risk it- school take him to cafes for short snacks, but that's the only practice he gets).

thecattleareALOHing · 15/12/2005 14:07

I think it's enchanting when an older child wants to play with my baby dd. And my ds who is four adores babies and always goes up for a gentle hug and a kiss too if he can, accompanied by much cooing and many affectionate words ('aah! You precious little baby!")

paolosgirl · 15/12/2005 14:09

I think it's lovely that people want to touch and coo over babies, and very sad that anyone would object to it

It reminds me of that ridiculous story that was in the papers recently about midwives in a hospital somewhere that had banned anyone touching or going near the babies on the ward - regardless of whether the mother minded or not

harpsiheraldangelssing · 15/12/2005 14:12

I would like to freely admit to choosing a seat next to either a family with children or (next best) nice friendly old lady in the hooe that they will talk to and entertain my dd's so I can get my lunch in peace
and that doesn't make me a bad person...