Corny jokes thread (to cheer up Dadslib)

[Freddiecat]

Police are investigating reports that the singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor was found dead in a french footballer's hotel room.

Reports are coming through of murder on Zidane's floor....

Message withdrawn

Two buckets of sick are out for a walk when one starts crying.

"What's the matter?" says the other bucket.

"I was brought up down that alley." replies the second bucket.

Dadslib, Eurrrgh! That was sexist and racist, (the joke which I presume did not come from your 2 year old nephew). (sigh) just where shall we begin, with you?

Blu-get a life. OK, he could have said "Dad" for the answer but I've told that joke and everyone I know laughed! Dadslib, don't like the NY joke-don't go near that water, 'cos believe me, you'll drown! I thought you'd be treading a littlle carefully at the moment. Please don't give anyone (not mentioning any names) any chance to start another bitching session! LADIES/GENTS (Ok, I,m being PC) IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S FIVE TO FIVE AND IT'S CRACKERJACK!! And if you understand that then you as old as me and it's my birthday on Sunday and yes, I'm 43 and wrinkly(ish). Everyone, have a good weekend , have fun, take care and no fighting!

Freddiecat - dou you get Popbitch too then?!!

Blu-not having a go but I can't do smileys on my computer. I don't know why, probably because it's old and knackered, (bit like me). Perhaps I should try putting white wine into the holes (kids are screaming at me things like, "hard drive" etc ) but they're holes to me and that's that. ...Oh well, time to start the children bedtime round up, - "No you can't have another story, No, the cat's not lonely and doesn't need to sleep with you and "You are not a deprived child and no, you may not borrow the phone to call Childline!" Next time the lady comes round from the NCH ( and I was adopted so I can make this joke) I'll volunteer to see how many children I can get into the charity sack. That actually was really not funny as my little one told his Nursery teacher that Mum made him get into the charity sack and wait there for two days for the lady to come and take him away as he'd been SOOOO naughty!

?????
I APOLOGISE! I really didn't want to start a fight, honest J'Mum, that's why the smiley, the (sigh)...and I think you MIGHT have missed the 2nd joke? Not the snowman joke...How d'you mean 'he could have said 'Dad'? I was trying to make the same point you were...don't cut it fine after last week! But sorry if I was too OTT and didn't come across like that....can I have a crackerjack pencil now?

Blu-get a life. OK, he could have said "Dad" for the answer but I've told that joke and everyone I know laughed! Dadslib, don't like the NY joke-don't go near that water, 'cos believe me, you'll drown! I thought you'd be treading a littlle carefully at the moment. Please don't give anyone (not mentioning any names) any chance to start another bitching session! LADIES/GENTS (Ok, I,m being PC) IT'S FRIDAY, IT'S FIVE TO FIVE AND IT'S CRACKERJACK!! And if you understand that then you as old as me and it's my birthday on Sunday and yes, I'm 43 and wrinkly(ish). Everyone, have a good weekend , have fun, take care and no fighting!

J'mum, cross-posting! My decrepid typing ability. If you're pouring wine, start with me!
Still don't understand why he could have said 'Dad'!

I understand now, J'Mum. I wasn't referring to the 'pink and wrinkly' joke, but the prostitutes thighs one higher up the thread! But how astute and v PC of you, the pink and wrinkly one would also qualify!!! Have a nice w/e everyone.

From my ds:-Why did the man burn his ear?

He was listening to the match !

And he got it too, quite good considering his autism.

I only know corny jokes. I forget good ones. Some elephant jokes:

Why couldn't the two elephants go swimming together?
They only had one pair of trunks between them.

Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside down in bowls of custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a bowl of custard?
Shows what a good disguise it is.

How do you know if an elephant is under your bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.

How do you know if the elephant's still in there?
You can't shut the door.

I bet an elephant would find me hilarious.

Blu-finished the wine! Dp gone off in a huff "cos I wouldn't tell him what I wanted for tea becuase I was on mumsnet. WELL..you can't stop once you've started, can you? He hsn't come back yet and he only went to the chip shop, so I think he's sulking and standing outside, blowing on my chips (not his) to make them cold and will come inside soon, telling me that the kebab's fine, having rolled it round the floor a bit. DO I CARE?! Not a bit(not the word I was going to put but it's mumsnet and I'm being polite) and as for the calories, well I'm going to spend all weekend clearing up anyway so stuff it! My littlest one has two parties at the weekend and it's my birthday (but I'm working) so when they ask for my birthday list, I think I'll ask for half an hour, every night on mumsnet! BTW, you're welocme to join in the wine, but I don't know eher you live. I could send you an imaginary one, but it's not the same, is it?! have a good weekend!
LOL

jollymum what day at the weekend is your birthday on,mines is on saturday-will be a whole 27.

loobie-isn't it your bedtime?! OMG I feel SO OLD! My birthday is on Sunday and although I'm joking about it, th one brilliant thing is that I will be sharing it with my "natural" mum (I've probably posted on other threads about this) and also I'll be thinking about my "adopted" mum, who died in 1986. I do have four great kids, 13,10,8 and five (on the 22nd Oct, very inconsiderate of him not to be born on my birthday) and a reasonaly Ok DH (read earlier post about grumpy sod and chips!) . Anyway, have a lovely birthday and I'll be thinking about you.

Well went out last nigt to celebrate my birthday and had my photo taken with my friends by the clubs pr man it can be seen on this and click on pictures

Loobie link doesnt work boo hoo

i noticed the site is www.westlothiannews.co.uk/clubearth.html and click on pictures,ours is next to the 'notice board' advert,there are 5 of us on the piccy,i am the one in the middle wearing my pink birthday girl badge.

Can't resist:

A man walks into a bar and says,

"OUCH!"

This is my dd's fave joke at the moment

• guess what?

What?

• You're a monkey and I'm not

Lame but it still makes me smile.

Fave joke of all time:

Q: Why don't Surrey girls go to orgies?
A: Too many thank you letters to write.

Poss only funny if you grew up in Surrey....

when does Saddam Hussein have his tea?

when Tariq Aziz

tee hee!