Telling non-resident parent that we're moving 4 hours away, Advice please

[NeedCoffee]

Title say's it all really. DD is ten, OH has been offered a job that will involve us moving around 4 hours away. Me and OH both drive. Ex is banned from driving. Trains run fairly frequently. Would still be returning to the area to see friends and family. Ex currently has dd every weekend and a few hours mid week after school but we are in the process of changing this to her staying at home every other weekend as she never get's to do stuff with us. This is fine with all parties and would not be set in stone if there are activities/parties etc happening at either house.

The move would not be until the Summer holidays and nothing is definate yet, but it looks like it would be most beneficial to all of us, except ex obviously. The thought is that I or OH would do the round trip on a Fri and Sun to drop her off/pick up or use trains when she is older/driving not possible every other weekend, although he is then gonig to miss out on the week day visit. Also visits in holidays would be when ever dd and ex wanted. We would do all we could to accomodate visits and he would be welcome to come to us, and stay in dds room or a spare one if we have one, or hotel, whatever.

I feel that I should let him know that it is a possibility that we could be going, whilst dd is not there to see the reaction, which will probably be quite abusive. So, should I phone him and tell him, meet face to face, letter, text?? (joke) I know it's not fair, and it's going to be hard on him and if I could do it so everyone was happy then I would, but I can't.

So, advice please on how to tell him, and a bit of hand holding wouldn't go amiss!

Littlt update: GF called me yesterday to say that he had contacted a different solicitor, one where he get's legal aid-and has been told that mediation will take a minimum of 2 weeks, which he is upset about as he want's to see her soon. So GF asked if it was possible that I could speak to dd and come up with some arrangement. Am waiting for my solicitor to call back to see what she thinks, but at our meeting she said to not allow contact before it goes to court. OH thinks we should wait till then and on speaking to dd, she really doesn't seem bothered. She's in no rush to see him, it's really weird, it's as though he's lost his hold on her. I wouldn't say she's a completely different child but she seems more, well, happy and isn't coming out with nasty remarks as much as she was doing. This is bad news for ex as it is clear the influence he has on her is not a positive one.

So not really sure what to do, even though I hate everything he's done, I do feel sorry for him that he's not seeing her, and that she doesn't even seem that bothered. Wish I didn't feel sorry for him, just keep thinking what if it was the other way round and how I'd feel. Grr.

must be really difficult to feel pulled in so many directions, but think you must take your solicitors advice and wait.

I think it would never be the other way round, as you are far too mature to ever have reacted as your ex did - this is his fault, and he needs to understand the consequences of his actions - he is a grown man and should act like one, not act like a spoilt brat. so he's not getting his own way at the moment, well, there's only one person to blame for that - stop feeling sorry for him! (sorry, don't mean to sound mad at you, I am mad at him for making you feel like this!)

I think you are far too nice.
Stop feeling guilty for ending your marriage and splitting up your first family...you tried your best for both..he caused the split with his abuse.
You tried your best to give him contact with his daughter for 10 years (every weekend? .. even my doormat of a sil only lets her ex have the kids for the whole weekend every other weekend!)...he is the one who has been a bad example/influence (late parties even when DD was present/drink driving ban/ substance abuse) he was the one who was unreasonable and refused to discuss options, attacked you OH in front of his dd and got arrested for GBH after promising to be reasonable.... apart from trying to consult with him about a prospective move within the country in 6 month time, what have you ever done wrong?...he should thank his lucky stars you are so considerate (crikey, my cousins ex made it almost impossible for him to see his 3 dds after he left...and he was the injured party..she was the one having the sffair!). It seems to me that he at some point during your marriage managed to make you feel guilty for his every misdemeanour and you haven't shaken off the habit...I have little hope that this current situation will make him man up and finally accept responsibility for his own actions.. but you really must stop blaming yourself, feeling sorry for him and trying to placate him...you are only reinforcing his own delusions of wrongful hurt by doing so.

DDs happiness and improved behaviour and her apparent lack of desire to even text him or speak to him let alone meet him are the most important factors in what simply has to be a firm decision to leave things as they are until things can be arranged officially as both his and your solicitors have told you...it's a 'no brainer'!

Unless he has spent his last few weeks of free time on anger management and better parenting courses and joined a detox scheme he doesnt deserve the tiniest bit of your empathy and certainly no special consideration.

lol xposted with strawberry...as usual she has said it all much more succinctly and effectively

Thanks you two :)
I know there is some type of hold over me, will try and stay strong and take cues from DD. Still waiting for sol to ring back but i'm sure she'll say to wait.

NC - what the others have said is spot on. He was abusive & controlling and he still is!! It's hard to see when you are in the middle of it and ex's & children are involved!!

DD must come first - she doesn't want to talk to him and she doesn't want to see him. She's old enough to know her own mind and given what he's put her though I'd say she's more than entitled to be heard on this - if/when she wants to see him, then fine, but until then he can fuck off wait.

Apart from that, he's a bag of loose wingnuts - I'd be far happier with her not seeing him.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him, he has behaved appalingly - he has threatened to kill you and your OH and worse still he has scared DD, he frightened her so much she ran home crying and screaming... he then beat your OH half up... why the hell do you care what he's going though??

I think you should speak to a counsellor and see why you still let him have such a hold over you. It is not doing you any good and to be blunt, it's not doing DD any good either because you are allowing him to behave in a way that is just not acceptable and still forgiving him etc you are really teaching her that his behaviour is OK. You may 'say' it's not OK, but you are not 'acting' like it's not. You are so scared of what he mgiht do that your OH has been staying away from your house and you have a 'run' bag ready.... yet you are encouraging her to speak to him, see him etc??

I'll tell you something - if it was my DD he wouldn't be seeing her until the court made me let him see her and it would be supervised visits only - for a very, very long time. The man is unhinged.

I wish you were moved and he had dropped off of the face of the earth. He maybe DD's father, but he's no Dad :(

You're right chipping. I'm coming accross as very weak I do not act like this with DD, I try to be impartial but also am very firm that what he did was very wrong, and should not be brushed under the carpet.
I kind of yo yo with being empethatic and mad.

Okay, I will pull myself together and pack it in. Keep kicking my butt when need be!

Anyway, solicitor has rung and said it's fine if I want to arrange something, but on my head be it kind of thing, and also that I am currently breaking the contact order that is in place at the moment but it is likely that the court will not have a problem with this due to recent events.
Had a talk with dd also and she's said no way to visits at the moment, so that settles it. I've texted and said no, she's too scared.

NC - I don't think you are coming across as weak :( Just that you haven't yet disengaged from his control over you :(

I don't, in anyway, mean you shouldn't post how you are feeling, here, with us. I hope you do keep putting it all down here - I think it helps to have somewhere impartial to get if off your chest and get some support/empathy/advice/kicking

But yes - pack in thinking of him!!

I love your DD! She is one smart, independent girl!! x

.... Her Mum is great too !x

Thanks Chipping:)
When i texted GF I said that DD is too scared to see him or go anywhere without me, even to a disco swim club she usually goes to and he takes and collects her. He texted her to say don't be scared I'd never hurt you, blah. He thinks it's all about physical harm, he doesn't have a clue. Have taken her to the disco swim tonight, for the first time in 3 weeks. DD2 is loving the late night, as I'll have to keep her up an extra 2 hours so we can pick her up. Every cloud eh!

You are right - he has no clue. He has no idea of what he has done to her... twat.

How are the girls today after the last night?

Did DD1 have a good time at the disco?

How are things with OH now? Is he back at yours now or still staying away? Any news on the job/house/move?

Girls are fine today, been to dentist this morning and all good apart from dd1 going to need braces due to thumb sucking grr. Also took them to get hair cut, usually I have to nag ex to take her as I never had her on a Sat when was convenient, so it was nice to actually take them to do something like that. She seemed to enjoy last night :)

OH has still been coming round but just not as often, he doesn't live here anyway so we're kind of used to it. It was just the fact that he wasn't coming due to ex threats rather than he or I was busy. I was hoping that he would move in here for at least a few weeks before we move just to get a feeling for it iyswim, more for the kids than us. I'm sure we'll have a few niggly issues when we properly move in together as I have lived on my own for many years, but he is quite house trained so should be able to work through any leaving toilet seat up/socks on floor etc

I wouldn't rush into the braces, both my brother and I had pushed out front teeth - I had braces & have had loads of problems since - his teeth moved into place and are lovely grrrr I know it's different for everyone, but I'd certainly get a couple more opinions and not rush into it - it is their business after all

I can't believe you have always let him have the weekends! You have been far too nice! You doing all the grind days and him getting the weekends... I bet DD is loving having time with you all at the weekends.

I'm glad she had a good time - it's a good age for stuff like that. I still remember discos etc from that age

Apparantly there's a 4 year waiting list anyway round here, and she'll be seeing a new dentist when we move anyway .

I know I shouldn't have let him have all the weekends, it only started about 3 years ago and I kind of just let it get habit, was actually just in the process of clawing every other weekend back before all this happened, well, the idea was in place!

Ha, I remember going to the same disco swim when i was a bit older than her, I also remember what I got up to Good job we're moving

Aww thank you. We've booked to go for the weekend next weekend, just dd1, OH and I, hopefully my mum will have dd2. Can't wait to have a look round properly.

I remember what we tried to get up to - but the teachers/parents were far too vigilent - we had to wait for lunchtimes!! Yeah, probably best not to think about what we did as kids!!

I have only just clicked on your profile (avid photo seeker!! LOL) DD2 is a real little cutie :) if your Mum can't have her I will - especially if she brings her duster It will be nice if the 3 of you can go for a good look around without and impatient DD2 needing attention and lovely for DD1 to have some time with you both on her own.

Haha it's only policed by (mainly) teenage lifeguards, or it used to be when I went. Only on for a couple of hours and I think she's more interested with gossiping with the other girls at the moment.

Well, it seems ex has been having words with his wicked witch mother (Evidence suggests that she is the main reason he is like he is) and she has texted dd to see if she will be seeing them this week with it being half term. DD has just said no as she doesn't truset her GM to not let her dad go to her house. She hasn't replied to her as she has no credit and wants me to but don't really know how to put it... Think I'm more scared of his mum than him!

p.s DD2 looks just like me, got all the good genes you see
Good job you mentioned the photos, had a few I needed to remove off there!

how about texting:
NC here, DD1 has asked me to text you. she has decided that she doesn't want to come over this half term. i'm sure you will be disappointed, but as you can appreciate, she has been quite shaken by recent events, and just wants to spend her break resting. we will be back in touch when she feels up to a visit. thanks for your understanding, this is a difficult time for DD1.

of course, i doubt she will be understanding, but you have been polite and she'll just have to suck it up...

Cheers Strawberry, that's what I more or less put. We composed the message together. Hope she doesn't reply.

keeping my fingers crossed for you!

No reply so far. I reckon they'll be saying I'm stopping her from going. Don't really care. Been looking at houses to rent and schools in the area. Can't wait to start looking round properly. :)

Not much time to post, just thought I'd update. Had letter from ex's solicitor and he has actually said that the attack on OH was mutual violence which he regrets. Fing ole lying t*t. And can I let them know if I am willing to facilitate contact as he assures them it will not happen again.

- unbelievable! Either he's lied to his solicitor or his solicitor's clutching at straws. I'm sure your solicitor will be able to draft a suitable reply putting them straight.

Oh my goodness! Just read the whole thread.
NC - you sound like a lovely mum. Just keep doing what you are doing and move asap.

Thank you Mermaid :)

QoL-He will have lied, he always does. He thinks if he makes it out that he's only partly to blame that people will understand why he's acted in the way he did. DD is disgusted that he is still lying. Well, we're just leaving to go look round the area. Wish us luck! Spending 3.5 hours with dd1 in the car, and then all weekend sleeping in a family room with her after a week of half term is going to be interesting to say the least!

You need DD to write a statement for when he goes to court. Were there any other witnesses??

I hope you have a lovely weekend planning your new life this weekend, try not to think about all the other crap. I'm sure you'll have a good time, just try to relax and enjoy it.