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Original poster

Telling non-resident parent that we're moving 4 hours away, Advice please

105 replies

NeedCoffee · 01/02/2011 23:42

Title say's it all really. DD is ten, OH has been offered a job that will involve us moving around 4 hours away. Me and OH both drive. Ex is banned from driving. Trains run fairly frequently. Would still be returning to the area to see friends and family. Ex currently has dd every weekend and a few hours mid week after school but we are in the process of changing this to her staying at home every other weekend as she never get's to do stuff with us. This is fine with all parties and would not be set in stone if there are activities/parties etc happening at either house.

The move would not be until the Summer holidays and nothing is definate yet, but it looks like it would be most beneficial to all of us, except ex obviously. The thought is that I or OH would do the round trip on a Fri and Sun to drop her off/pick up or use trains when she is older/driving not possible every other weekend, although he is then gonig to miss out on the week day visit. Also visits in holidays would be when ever dd and ex wanted. We would do all we could to accomodate visits and he would be welcome to come to us, and stay in dds room or a spare one if we have one, or hotel, whatever.

I feel that I should let him know that it is a possibility that we could be going, whilst dd is not there to see the reaction, which will probably be quite abusive. So, should I phone him and tell him, meet face to face, letter, text?? (joke) I know it's not fair, and it's going to be hard on him and if I could do it so everyone was happy then I would, but I can't.

So, advice please on how to tell him, and a bit of hand holding wouldn't go amiss!

OP posts:

Dalrymps · 02/02/2011 19:27

I agree with Chippingin, it can only be an advantage to move further away from him when he acts like that! He'll still see her too do you're being more hay fair. Don't feel guilty NC, it'll probably have a positive effect on her life to be further away from him in the longrun ((hugs))

inzidoodle · 02/02/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 22:48

Thanks for the nice messages. Soo exhausted from today. I had to tell dd the gist of what has gone on, of course she wanted every detail, kept it as blameless as possible which wasn't easy but wanted to try and remain fair. She was disappointed that he took it so badly, and is of course upset that their is bad feeling. Well, the job has been accepted after hours more of agonising, talking, making lists and dd speaking to her grandma (my side) and OH's mum, think they helped to reassure her but she is worried about how her dad feels :( Wish I could say he is worried about her, but he will be thinking of himself. Anyway she rang him and he had calmed down, and they had a chat. He said he isn't happy at all but there was no mention of solicitors etc. It has been very emotional and tiring for her and she's going to need lot's of extra attention, just hope I can rise to it and that we've made the right decision! Regrarding solicitors and court I think it will remain to be seen how it goes over the next week.

OP posts:

Dalrymps · 02/02/2011 22:52

Hope you get a good rest tonight NC. I am in no doubt you have absolutely made the right decision. X

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 23:01

Thank you Dal, that really really helps :) x

OP posts:

FloriaTosca · 02/02/2011 23:07

OMG NC...I'm so sorry not to have been online earlier but you have been given some wonderful advise and support. I can't believe your ex , no wonder you are exhausted..I hope you sleep well now things are a little calmer, try not to worry too much, you have made the right decision for all of you without doubt.xx

SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2011 23:55

NeedCoffee - I am sorry to read that the situation has escalated in a negative way. you just don't need that - it's not going to make the path smoother for your move that is for sure.

If he has been making death threats then of course he is being completely unreasonable and over the top in his reaction. Upset yes, we all get upset from time to time and have a bit of a rant to get it off our chest but I don't think I have ever made death threats.

I feel you must live your life how you feel and give your EXH every opportunity along the way to get on board with things. If he chooses not to do that then that will be his choice but you will have done everything a parent should do in your shoes.

I hope the move goes smoothly and is a good, fresh start for you all.

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 03/02/2011 12:43

Thanks FT and Sparkle. Sleep was a blessing but didn't last long enough and dd was in my bed when I woke up, worried about her dad. It's going to be very difficult, but one of the reasons we have decided to do it is to set an example to dd that you can do anything and go anywhere if you want to, you don't have to stay in the same old town with the same old people if you don't want to, like the rest of her family, including my side. Hopefully it will be sa good thing to teach her..

OP posts:

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 03/02/2011 15:57

NC - I'm glad you are going for it. It will be good for all of you - it sounds like a nicer environment to be in, better opportunities for DD etc.

I hope he stays calm and things go OK.

I'd be wary of pandering to him (Ex) too much though - he needs to sort his DL etc out and do some of the running around if he wants to see her, it's not all down to you!

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 04/02/2011 12:33

Thanks Chipping. You made me think about the pandering, and yes I have been doing it for years. Probably guilt due to me leaving him, even though that was due to him throwing me down the stairs etc so it was his own fault. Wish I could be not feel sorry for him as he doesn't deserve it.

Anyway I've decided that I will guarentee (SP)that I will deliver and collect dd every 4 weeks, I will try my hardest to make it every 2 weeks but I don't want him to be able to take it back to court and say I've not kept to agreement if there are any times that we can't make it such as car problems, illness or whatever. He's picking dd up from school today and should be having her all weekend, hopefully he will have the sense not to upset dd over it and then I wont be getting a text at stupid oclock on the morning to go and collect her

OP posts:

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 04/02/2011 16:22

He's kicked off again. He picked dd up from school but straight away started making threats towards me and OH. DD ran home screaming and crying and locked the door behind her. He's made more threats over the phone. DD won't even go to toilet on her own now :(

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2011 16:55

This is not very good at all and the welfare of your DD due to his behaviour is clearly being affected.

I think you need to be very clear with him and tell him that if he issues one more threat against any of you then you will be reporting him to the police and taking any advice that they give you. I would also try and make him see sense by advising him also that supervised visits are a real possibility if he continues to behave like this.

When change occurs people react in one of two ways, either quite nervous but happy or totally against it. He is clearly not happy with this and is going to do whatever he can to thwart it.

The shock of learning your children are moving away will only get him so far in the early days but going forward it will only go against him to behave like this.

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 04/02/2011 17:06

I've already contacted the police. The thing is I've had all this before when dd was little and I can't take any chances with him, he's unpredictable. so that he has upset her this much :(

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2011 18:02

Got anything lovely planned for this weekend together?

Something to help may be to focus on your move and sort out your planning. I really feel for you because it does not matter whether a looney ex is male or female they still cause such an problems for everyone with their behaviour.

I would be very upset too at how much DD is upset.

FloriaTosca · 04/02/2011 20:08

Good grief! the stupid !"!!!!!
I hope you are keeping meticulous notes on every single stupid irresponsible thing he says and does and have witnesses. He may profess to love DD but he has absolutely no care for her and how his actions affect her. Summer can't come soon enough.
If you want a jaunt down the motorway to get some distance from him you know where I am and I can have a quiche and on the table with 30 mins notice.

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 04/02/2011 22:52

Sparkle-We're meant to be at a Christmas work do tomorrow night and my mum was having dd2 anyway so dd1 is going with her, quite happily as she tends to miss out on granny visits as she is usually with him.

FT-Thanks, so lovely of you to offer, I may well have taken you up on that if I had read this earlier!! Sod the diet

Anyway the update is.. His girlfriend rang me earler, he'd rang her to tell her what happened. She was very reasonable, said she understands why I'm doing it etc, which I am very glad at least someone can see that I'm not being an ogre. She said she'd try to speak to him. DD rang exs mum as apparantly she has been crying over it for the past 2 days (Strange when they don't bother with her usually as in the past ten years they have not had her overnight on a weekend once, as they have the routine of going out. )She was quite confrontational to dd but dd (bless her) stood her ground and told her not to be silly, that her dad was wrong for making threats, she'd still be coming down and that NO we can't stay here and OH work away and just come home at weekendsas we want to all be together as a family, but her dad and them are more than welcome to be part of it all and she would be visiting plenty. I was so proud of her. Also Ex texted dd to apologise, and said after speaking to his gf he has decided that they will get a caravan somewhere about half way and that will make things easier for him to see her and that he is not going to be doing anything to hurt me or OH. I said I will let her go for a couple of hours on Sunday and see how he behaves and whether this can be sorted out sensibly.

All of this has made me realise just how much his family have been able to manipulate me over the past ten years as I always try to accomodate them and back down to their demands. At least I am aware of this now and will stop caving in to the bullys.

Sincerly hope that he will do what he's saying but it remains to be seen.

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 04/02/2011 23:05

NeedCoffee - my sister has a similar situation to you and about 8 months ago made a drastic decision but since doing it their lives have been so blissful without manipulative behaviour controlling them.

Fingers crossed that Sunday goes well.

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 04/02/2011 23:12

Thank you Sparkle :)

OP posts:

QueenOfLists · 06/02/2011 20:55

NC - so sorry I'd not seen this earlier. I think you've acted exactly in the interests of your family, and dd1 has been so mature you should be very, very proud because that's down to you .

Hopefully the worst is over - how did it go today?

Dalrymps · 06/02/2011 21:31

How you doing NC? X

Original poster

NeedCoffee · 06/02/2011 23:36

Went very badly today. DD1 got a text on Fri night apologising and her dad was saying he will compromise somehow over it all. She said if he promised to be calm, then i'd take her for a cpl hours today. He said he would. We got there, he attacked OH in front of the kids and we had to drive away. Rung the police on the way home, then his gf rung me to say he was in a taxi coming to my house. Police managed to get him before he could get near us. Waiting to hear from police whehter his been released or not. OH ok but bruised and shaken, dd1 not okay and very shaken. Don't know what we're going to do next. If he is released tonight then I'm taking kids away from the house. Going to try and get some sleep until the police ring.

OP posts:

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 07/02/2011 00:05

NC - I am so sorry, I missed your updates since my last post. How is your OH now?

What an utter bastard your Ex is. He is really, really unstable. His gf sounds quite nice, I wonder how much longer she will stick around?

DD was a complete star dealing with his mother! Very mature & sensible - clearly takes after her mother

What is your plan of action?

If it was me I would call the gf and tell her that you will not let him see DD until DD wants to see him and he has arranged some formal supervised access - there's no way I'd let him see her alone or just with informal supervision. He's far too unstable for that IMO.

Can OH get transferred up there sooner?

Dalrymps · 07/02/2011 08:10

So sorry to hear this NC. I can't believe how he is acting You're always welcome here for a break although it'd be airbeds and sofas Hope the police manage to talk some sense in to him.

OADCB · 07/02/2011 08:24

NC sorry to hear about what's been happening

The judge isn't going to look favourably at him now!

marriednotdead · 07/02/2011 08:52

NC, I've just found this thread and am so sad for you.

Your ex sounds like a complete nightmare, yet you have all have behaved with dignity and fairness to a man who clearly does not deserve it

I just want to wish you well. Your DD sounds like a wonderful girl, with great judgement and grounding provided by the examples you and your OH have set.

Roll on summer

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