Telling non-resident parent that we're moving 4 hours away, Advice please

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Title say's it all really. DD is ten, OH has been offered a job that will involve us moving around 4 hours away. Me and OH both drive. Ex is banned from driving. Trains run fairly frequently. Would still be returning to the area to see friends and family. Ex currently has dd every weekend and a few hours mid week after school but we are in the process of changing this to her staying at home every other weekend as she never get's to do stuff with us. This is fine with all parties and would not be set in stone if there are activities/parties etc happening at either house.

The move would not be until the Summer holidays and nothing is definate yet, but it looks like it would be most beneficial to all of us, except ex obviously. The thought is that I or OH would do the round trip on a Fri and Sun to drop her off/pick up or use trains when she is older/driving not possible every other weekend, although he is then gonig to miss out on the week day visit. Also visits in holidays would be when ever dd and ex wanted. We would do all we could to accomodate visits and he would be welcome to come to us, and stay in dds room or a spare one if we have one, or hotel, whatever.

I feel that I should let him know that it is a possibility that we could be going, whilst dd is not there to see the reaction, which will probably be quite abusive. So, should I phone him and tell him, meet face to face, letter, text?? (joke) I know it's not fair, and it's going to be hard on him and if I could do it so everyone was happy then I would, but I can't.

So, advice please on how to tell him, and a bit of hand holding wouldn't go amiss!

Hi ladies, just updating whilst I can. Ex got kept in custody last night and is at court this morning. I have to keep ringing the court to see whether he's been let out on bail as the women that's dealing with it said she won't be able to let me know till about 4, and he could have already been round by then. DD1 at school reluctantly and school are aware whats happening. OH is in a bit of a bad place too as he went through it all when he was little and his mum had a violent partner, so this has hit him really hard. He's gone to work but has had to fob people off as noone even knows he's leaving his current position yet, so explaining would be arkward. The only one that is unaffected atm is dd2 and she's just loving the extra 'sit down and be good and you'll get a biscuit' bribes atm

Not sure where we're going to go from here. I After seeing the way he acted yesterday I don't think he'll stop until he get's his own way, even if that means he is up in court for murder. So the move may happen faster than anticipated. It would mean me leaving college and dd1 having to change schools which'll no doubt mess up her SATs but it's a matter of weighing up the lesser evil. The way she has been I'd be suprised if her SATs where up to much anyway, she keeps jumping at every single noise and shadow. :( I hate him so much for doing this, especially for doing it front of her.

Chipping-His gf is okay, we've had our differences but their relationship is very volatile itself, they're always arguing and been together for a few years now. She told dd1 she's sticking by him even though he has done wrong I believe that she would ultimately put herself in the way to stop dd1 getting hurt so I trust her to do that but feel it is probably best to play it safe and not let dd have any contact until something is set in place where I am confident that nothing can happen to her, if this means contact being carried out at an access centre then so be it, preferably I would stop it all together but I don't think that the court would allow that. DD really wants her dad, even after what he has done, and I really don't know what to do for the best :(

have just read this thread for first time and just wanted to say i'm so sorry for what you are all going through.
you have been wonderful to your ex by the sounds of it and he has no right to behave like this!!
you are definitly doing the right thing starting afresh elsewhere.

Does your child have a guardian appointed in the court process?

I would consider contacting them and asking whether they could visit.
Has a expert risk assessment been carried out on his violent behaviours,

Thanks Ellasmum :)

OADCB-No she doesn't have I don't think. Would you mean a friend or an uncle or something? I have full residency if that makes a difference.

No risk assessment has been carried out afaia.

Policed have rung to update, he's been bailed, the defence have asked for what evidence the police have before they decide which plea they will go for The bail conditions are to not contact me or OH in any way, or enter my street but that's it! No restrictions put on dd so basically he can go to school and try to get her if he likes and I can't do anything about it, although I'm pretty sure school wont let hewr go plus I still have residence so I don't think he can force them to let him have her. Still need to see my solicitor but the earliest she has is Thurs, this is to sort out access I tihnk. OH is going to be keeping away from my house tongiht and he's having to travel abroad for work over the next couple of days so at least he'll be out of the way and I can take the kids to my friends or parents if need be. (P.S Thank you Dal for the offer, forgot to reply on thew last one, so kind of you :) ) I'm so tired that I just want to curl up and sleep.

Ignore me. It's Not relevant in your case as it's a private law cas

Have a good look at cafcass website for info on family court advisors.

I would also be telling solicitor that thurs isn't soon enough,

Thank you, will look there now. Have rung 3 times to say i need earlier, they're saying they just haven't got any earlier unless cancellation. I'm sure they where better than this when I used them years ago for the injunction Should maybe try and get in with someone else but then will have to go through it all again.

NC - I'm glad they kept him in. I wonder if it will, in any way, make him see how stupid he is being? What he is risking? But then again, seeing the state his own DD was in made no difference to him :(

I assume DD knows not to go with him if he comes to school? and school know, so she should be fine while she's there.

Poor little mite - it must be so horrible to see your Dad acting like that, but to still want to see him. Wanting him to be a nice Dad :(

Your poor OH - this must be hell for him, watching you and DD being treat like this and now being attacked as well, which would be bad enough, but with his background as well :( Honestly, if anyone deserves a fresh start it's you guys.

Don't give the SATS another thought - they are for the school, not the children!

Your college is a different matter - how many more weeks do you have left? I am sure there will be a way around it if you have to go up away sooner - they may let you do it remotely somehow and come back for the exams.
(What are you studying?)

I hope you have explained to DD that the Ex's GF is a muppet not a good 'role model' and that you don't have to stand by someone when they are utterly vile. Between the GF and her own love of her Dad, she could end up with some boundary issues within her own relationships if this stupidity bad example isn't highlighted to her repeatedly sometimes.

Do you know when he's back in court?

With the lawyers/solicitors will you change when you move or will you stay with one where you are now? If you will change then I'd stick with the ones you have for now but if you will stay with ones down here then I would look at changing. There's no point in staying with them just because they used to be good or because you'll have to explain yourself again. If you are taken on as a new client they will be much more interested and proactive I'm sure.

If DD didn't want to see her Dad I would go with NO contact, absolutely. However, she does want to see him so I would go with Supervised Access only - and I would go with HIM having to get himself up to you for it. He's blown his 'goodwill' - make him work for access with his daughter. Let him prove he is in anyway worthy of her love and time.

He is a negative influence on her and I would be weaning her off of contact with him if it was me.

Look after yourself as well as OH & DD!! As for the little one, the extra packets of biscuits wont hurt her
xx

NC - i think I'd go for the move as soon as possible, just to give you all the break so you can sleep a bit better. Your DD1s SATs could perhaps be based on teacher assessment if she needs a score for moving schools? (sorry, i don't really know how these things work!) And you could possibly transfer your college course to somewhere near your new home? it is very difficult circumstances after all.
i am just keeping my fingers crossed for you that you can get it all sorted - you are being so strong, and your DD1 is doing brilliantly (and i bet your DD2 is very happy with the biscuit bribes - my DS would be too)

Just read this thread and couldn't not comment - firstly, as a teacher I say stuff the SATs! There are far more important things, your DD's welfare being one of them. GCSEs count, nobody will ever ask what she got in her SATs. It's only the secondary schools that use them and they use a few more tests in Year 7 anyway to give them an idea of ability.

College - I think others' suggestions of seeing if you could carry on remotely are good ones. Worth a try!

I wanted to just say that you sound like a lovely person and a fantastic mother. You sound like you are handling this brilliantly - sending lots of good luck that things get sorted quickly. :)

Aw MrsSatsuma, thank you, that's nice to hear.

I'm, sure my tutors would allow me to work remotely, I only have this semester left and don't find the lectures particularly helpful anyway but go just in case, plus it gets me out the house. Won't be going in this week anyway as dd2 having chicken pox. (I'm doing a foundation degree in Business Management :))

Chipping-he's been released on bail now but they kept him on overnight. He hasn't been round or in my street that I know of, but he has text dd1 to tell her he knows she's mad with him for being angry with me and OH for 'taking her away from him' but she is his world and he wants her to know that whatever happens to always remember he loves her. She has chosen not to reply. I don't know if it is meant as a threat, as in, whatever he does, he'd be doing it because he loves her I keep almost feeling sorry for him but then I've got to remind myself how manipulative he is and that he has caused all this with his behaviour.

DD already says that her dad treats his GF badly and she often mentions that it's strange that me and OH hardly ever argue whereas that's all they ever do. After all these years I'm finally able to set a good example with something!
I never thought about changing solicitor, I suppose I'll see how it goes. If I need one when we get down there then I will probably change.

I'm going to try and carry on as normal, very cautiously and keep OH away from my house for the time being and concentrate on keeping everyone safe. Not ideal, but better to be safe. Anything happens and I've got a bag packed ready to through kids in and just go.

Thank you so much for everyones kind words and advice, it means a lot to me :)

How have things been today?

DD2 has chicken pox as well to add into the mix - marvellous!! Talk about not raining but pouring!

It's good that you should be able to finish your degree remotely - one less stress.

Hopefully what he meant was 'Even if your Mother takes you to the other end of the country and I can't be bothered to see you at all all the time, remember I love you'. Interesting that DD hasn't replied - sadly she may be waking up to his manipulative ways :) and :(

People like him are very good at getting people to feel sorry for him - just think about what he did to your OH & DD that should bring you back to your senses pretty quickly (if not, my boot up your bum might ) he is so not worth any of your care/guilt/help.

It is really, really good that DD sees that your relationship is good and Dad & GF's isn't and how/why.

Did you mean keep OH away from the house or did you mean Ex??

Stay strong - we're all right behind you!! x

Hi Chipping. I meant OH keep away from the house :( Then I only have to concentrate on the girls and not be thinking that when OH goes back to his car it may have been tampered with or someone waiting in the shadows.

DD seems to be okay atm, I feel shocking, think the stress is affecting my health, making me ache and also snappy. Sooooo want to smoke (stopped a while ago) but resisting atm.

Exs GF rang earlier, was reasonable enough even though she kind of stuck up for him but not to a huge extent and didn't try to force anything. I explained how much dd was upset, she said she's been trying to get through to him but it's difficult and that a few prople are telling him that he's wrong but he doesn't like it. Anyway I said no access until solicitors have sorted it but they can speak on the phone, however when I picked dd up she said she doesn't want to speak to him, so have texted her and said I'll ask her if she wants to speak to him every few days but I'm not forcing it, which she said fine they don't want to upset her. DD has said he can text her if he wants but not to expect her to reply. Hopefully the GF will manage to keep in him in check for now until things are either resolved or we've gone!

Poor OH :( This is all so shit - when is he due in court? What's your next move? You can't keep this up!?!

I hope you are eating and drinking, you need to keep your strength up.

Keep resisting the fags - do not let him do that to you!!

At least the GF is being fairly reasonable and there are several people telling him he's wrong - maybe over time it will sink in?!

I think the fact that DD doesn't want to talk to him will have the biggest impact on his behaviour - it's good that she's strong enough to stand her own ground. I wouldn't keep asking her if she wants to talk to him, she knows she can if she wants to... I wouldn't be encouraging it.

x

NC You have done soooo well kicking the nicotine habit...please dont give in to that temptation to pick them up again. As the wonderfully supportive and sensible chipping says - do not let him do that to you.
I understand your worry about OH and the need to have one less worry on your shoulders but dont let this push the two of you apart...dont let your ex do that to you too.
I agree with chipping too about the text to DD1..I dont think he meant it as a threat either, just trying to manipulate her after showing her the full extent of his "charming" character . I can't believe how well she handled the call to her grandmother and how sure she is of her own feelings when it comes to deciding whether or not return her fathers text ...she is truly behaving with incredible maturity. (Fab too that she has noted the massive difference between a healthy adult relationship and a disfunctional one )
Glad also that you are going to persevere and carry on as normal as possible for many reasons, including it being the way to show your dds how to stand up to bullies, but do please look after yourself,as well as eating and drinking sensibly give yourself as much relaxation time as you can ...I find Bachs' Rescue Remedy a great aid in times of stress and you know my offer for a weekend 70 or so miles away from 'it all' is always open.
x

He's due in court beginning of April. No idea on next move tbh. Yeah I'm eating lots Have come off my replacement meal diet on Sat so am making up for the weeks of starvation
Good point about not encouraging her actually, she knows she can speak to him if she wants so will let her lead. He did text her and actually apologised which I didn't expect him to do, and also mentioned a her step nephew birthday party at weekend but we're already going to one of our friends babys party's anyway so his attempt at emotional manipulation didn't work there. His GF texted to say thans for letting him text and that he respects me for it, I don't believe that he's said that for one minute but good on her for attempting to keep things calm. Will update on Thurs after solicitors if nothing else happens between now and then. Thanks everyone for being supportive :)

X posted FT, thank you for the offer, really, you've no idea how glad and appreciative I am of your support :)

I have refrained from the smoking so far and have picked up some homeopathic remedy thingys that I'm going to give a go that is meant to be helpful with stress, but will prob get some Bachs if these don't seem to help.

Need to get some energy back as I would happily just lounge around at home atm and it is not very productive!

April - that's a bit of a bugger, sooner would have been good.

Oh dear - you can't win can you, we either starve ourselves or over eat from stress!! Don't let him ruin all that hard work either! Hide the biscuits

How is DD2 now, getting better?

Yeah at least the GF is trying... (mad thing should cut & run!!).

You have had a really rough time, it is emotionally & physically exhausting... give yourself a break!

Take care x

Hi Chipping :)
DD's spots are improving but she is full of cold so we've been in all week, probably a good thing I suppose.

Yep, GF should definitly run, she prob thinks she's doing the right thing, plus i think she may secretly like being some use to him... whatever floats her boat I suppose, she's not my concern.

NC - how are you doing? How did the meeting go yesterday?

Hi Chipping, sorry I didn't update, not had much chance. Meeting went okay. I've got residency so no need to get a prohibited steps order as noone can remove her from my care without my agreement anyway. I am going to apply for access to be varied as the stipulated access from years ago is undoable now as dd is at school for some of it, but that is going to take about a month to get funding apparantly and I am to wait and see if I get any correspondence from Exs solicitor regarding access up until then. The trial is going ot go ahead and OH and I have been called as witnesses, the prosecution have chosen to leave dd out of it as they believe she has been through enough, shame her father didn't thin like that.
Ex has still been texting DD but as yet she has chosen to still not reply, and he is starting to get desperate in them saying things like I wish you would talk to me etc, if he carries on with the emotional blackmail, I will have to have words with the GF to tell him to pack it in.

Things are pretty strained between OH, dd and I atm to be honest :( We're all feeling pulled in different directions. OH is mad, dd is feeling loyal towards her dad as well as OH and me, and I feel protective towards dd and don't want to force my views on her but also don't want her to have the opinion that it's ok for someone to act like this, even if they are upset. Need to come up with a plan of action really but not had a lot of sleep so cannot think straight today.

NC - it's a bit of a waiting game then isn't it :( It's good they have left DD off of the witness list - she has been through enough.

It's hard to know what's best to do with the texts isn't it - maybe she is trying to see how long he will keep texting her before he gives up on her? I think I would ask her before I contacted the GF just in case she's upset if it just stops.

Please don't let him come between you and your OH :( Any chance you can get away next weekend? Maybe up to where you will be moving to - have a bit of a look around? You, OH & DD's - just a family weekend with no crap?!

x

I ended up emailing GF yesterday to ask her to tell him to stop nagging her to speak to him as she got one as we where out yesterday saying 'we need to talk, we had such a good bond' etc. It really annoyed me as he is trying to emotionally blackmail her. A weekend away would be nice but unlikely with cash flow atm :)

Did you tell DD you had done that?

Well, I have a few Euro Millions tickets to check - you just never know

Tut, I didn't email, I meant texted. Yes discussed with dd before sending anything, and she proof read

I texted Gf again today to say that it is still okay to text just to please not nag her to speak to her until she's ready. Also mentioned mediation in the texting to try and sort out future visitations, although whenI spoke to dd about this, she snorted and said 'well I won't even speak to him on the phone, so don't get your hopes up about me seeing him'. Not really a lot I can say to that. guess it's still a waiting game.

Mmm a little win on the euromillions sounds good

NC out ofthe mouths of babes eh?... I think she is handling things incredibly well and I think you are doing brilliantly helping her make her own decisions about how she wants to proceed....Shame her father cant learn from her example.

Fingers crossed for the euromillions..