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Original poster

Am I - as I suspect - the only MNer to find the whole concept of 'family' incredibly difficult?

105 replies

motherinferior · 21/09/2005 20:54

Long ago, when I was young and had principles and wore lots of badges about my principles, one of my badges said 'Nuclear Family No Thanks'. I've always found the whole idea of family - both the nuclear and the extended - incredibly hard to stomach. I'm well aware that this is, of course, shaped by my own experience of family, which for complex reasons was something that my parents both found incredibly important and botched up spectacularly. The idea of 'family time' makes me shudder. The idea of 'doing things as a family' I equate with 'doing what my father wanted'. I suspect that DP has his own issues with the whole idea too (for completely different reasons).

This is not, as far as I can see, damaging my children - DD1 is frightfully keen on the idea of family, and I have no problems with her keenness at all. And I love them, and most of the time I'm rather happy living with them and their father. But am I the only person who finds the whole thing somewhat uncomfortable at best?

OP posts:
helsi · 21/09/2005 20:57

probably not although I can't relate to this at all. I'm sure other people with similar opinions and feelings will be around somewhere on here.
I love family time and my dh changed jobs and took a pay cut so that we could have more of that time. Our family time is also chosen by dd in that we do what she wants to do as opposed to as you say "what my father wanted".
Don't get me wrong I still value my own time - a lot- as I need this to help me feel like someone other than a wife and mother, but I would not say that "family" makes me uncomfortable.

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 20:59

Just the words 'family time' make me feel as if someone's running their nails down a blackboard [shudder]

OP posts:
Nevada · 21/09/2005 21:02

My nuclear family - fine, love 'family time'.

Extended family - no thanks.

But then I'm not very sociable.

Jimjams · 21/09/2005 21:05

I have the opposite problem. I want to do things as a family - and can't. That's taken a while to get used to. We used to try to have "family days out" and would drive back- dh with steely face and me sobbing in the front.

Is you problem with the family issue itself, or just that you are doing something different from your expectations? For us, once we realised that we didn't have to act that way we had imagined we would, life began to get easier. Sometimes our reality, and the image I had when younger of how it would be clash (for example I spend a lot of time desperately trying to think of ways we could have a family holiday together), but I think I am getting more accepting that things will never be how I imagined them. I don't really have any problem with what we do- just that it doesn't remotely match what I thought we would do.

Medea · 21/09/2005 21:07

I could not be more in agreement, MI. The phrase "family values" gives me a similar shuddery feeling to your lovely one "family time."

I, too, am allergic to the notion of the nuclear family, and I, too, blame it on my father's control freakish nature. I can't even stand the idea of the "family vacation" and this year insisted on going somewhere on my own, while dh (along with in-laws) had the kids.

Alas, I strongly suspect it's just you and me, MI. And maybe that's just as well obviously it's a little bit mad to be anti-family.

Rhubarb · 21/09/2005 21:08

I think I understand. Whilst I was perfectly happy to get married I didn't want children, I didn't want the 'mother' label attached to me or have a 'family'. I have a pretty poor relationship with my parents too. I was mortified when I discovered that I was pregnant. I thought I must be weird for not wanting to do all the 'family things' I should be doing with my dd. I tried taking her to toddler groups and fitting in with other mothers, but it was so hard! Dh feels the same. We have to drag ourselves to do something 'family' like going to the zoo, or the fair. We hate it! But we realise that dd, and now ds likes it, and we love them, so we do it.

We do feel restrained and restricted by this family, and we still feel uncomfortable with the whole notion. So now we try to get the kids involved with what we want to do too, we still live our lives but we make little compromises here and there. I hope my kids grow up with a better picture of family than I did.

So I don't think you are alone Motherinferior.

Medea · 21/09/2005 21:09

Sorry if that sounded insensitive, jimjams, our posts crossed.

Jimjams · 21/09/2005 21:10

For me the words "me time" give me that shuddery feeling- so I know what you mean Actually nuclear NT advert families make me feel a bit sick and get dh shouting from the living room "quick come and look at the family" (you know what I mean- perfect families on TV) so I get the same sort of reaction- even though it's what I would like!

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:12

Oh good, I thought it was just me (and Blu, I think, but she's on holiday). Rhubarb, do I owe you an article, btw?

OP posts:
hester · 21/09/2005 21:13

I really like both the concept and reality of an extended family, but feel deeply ambivalent about immediate family. Something about it makes me feel breathless and claustrophobic... so, obviously, I'm about to create one of my own.

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:14

I do even like doing things with them all, I've recently realised. It's nice. They enjoy it. It's the whole concept...

Love your name, btw, Medea.

OP posts:
Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:14

Yes, hester, I've got two girls just like, er, my parents

OP posts:
Caligula · 21/09/2005 21:15

You obviously didn't have a very fun family!

No it doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. But that's because although the family in which I grew up was oppressive (oh yes, family time was watching whatever TV programme my father wanted) I don't think of them when I think of "family".

I feel I'm building my own family and I'm aware that it's the sort of family that many people still feel at a gut level isn't a "real" family (because of only having one parent).

And I don't find the family I have now oppressive. Yes there are a few minor obligations, but I also know that in a crisis, there are some people in the world who would go out of their way to help me only because by an accident of birth, they happen to be related to me.

Rhubarb · 21/09/2005 21:18

Dunno MI, was it for Mother & Baby?

It's the whole dictation thing. Society dictates that to be a family you must behave in such a way, have your meals altogether at such a time, have nice little routines, do things as a 'family' at the weekends, etc, etc. I've always rebelled against society's notions of what and who I should be, I guess some of that is why we upped sticks and moved to France, because I was told that it shouldn't and couldn't be done with 2 young children in tow. Then when you are different, people accuse you of being selfish and not putting 'family' first. Any kind of 'different' notion that you have is bad in this world, you MUST conform.....................!

moondog · 21/09/2005 21:19

Are you shuddering at the whole ludicrous contrived notion of it?
The self conscious 'We're going to do this as a family thing?'

If so,then I hate that idea,as I do the idea of 'me time' 'couple time' 'bonding' blah blah blah. (Especially the last,God it grates.)

Some (step hasten to add snobbily) members of my family designate Friday as 'family night' when they all merely eat more than usual and watch more tv than usual.

Hmmmmmmmm.

Don't like the notion of planning and organising good parenting activities.Reminds me of people who are so busy bloody photographing and camcording that they forget about just enjoying the moment,whatever it entails.

lou33 · 21/09/2005 21:20

I come down in your camp MI

Rhubarb · 21/09/2005 21:21

Think 'Stepford'

weesaidie · 21/09/2005 21:21

I am single parent so my 'family' is not nuclear... there is me and dd, then dd and her dad and sometimes me, dd and her dad...

I see my extended family a lot and I love it mostly, we get on well and they are extremely supportive but I sometimes find it a bit much.

Christmas for example. This year I am going to the country for 4 days with mum and her man, 2 step sisters, 2 sisters, 1 brother, 1 set of grandparents, 1 cousin and auntie and her man. It is going to be so chaotic.

What I would like to do is, wake up just me and dd, go to mums mid morning, spend the afternoon, back in time for dds bed and then relax in front of telly!!

Maybe next year....

Kind of off the point I know, but I do know what you feel. Have never really had that nuclear family thing, either as a child or an adult. But am happy making my own family, in my own way.

weesaidie · 21/09/2005 21:22

but I do know how you feel

Nevada · 21/09/2005 21:25

I don't find 'family time' contrived at all.

We like spending time together and choose things to do that we all enjoy.

Rhubarb · 21/09/2005 21:32

I don't think anyone is saying that all family time is contrived, but that some people's experiences of family time is contrived. If you are happy being a family and spending time as a family, great! It's just that not everyone is lucky enough to be comfortable in that skin.

aloha · 21/09/2005 21:34

Oh MI, I had a pretty horrid time with my family (for all sorts of complicated reasons) and I am moved -literally - to tears when ds talks with such love about his family. It sometimes feels like the only thing in the world I am doing right. I showed him a photograph yesterday of us all (just printed it on my new snazzy printer) and said, 'who's that then' and he said, 'it's my family' and I was so touched.
He talks a lot about families and love and I really like it. For me, it's a chance to do things differently, and I think - hope - it is working. I am particularly happy and proud that we have a 'modern' set up with a step-daughter, and it still works, and we love each other.
It's funny, isn't it, how our upbringing affects us in different ways. For me, it made me very much want to be married, for our family to share a name, and I talk a LOT to ds about what family means. I wish I had a bigger family all the time (not just children, but brothers and sisters and cousins) and feel the lack of it quite keenly.

aloha · 21/09/2005 21:36

But I loathe the phrase 'me-time' - hideous.
Though a solo bath is very nice!

OldieMum · 21/09/2005 21:36

I understand your dislike of self-conscious 'family'-time, or similar ideologies extolling the importance of family. The whole 'family values' agenda is also creepy. But my attitude to my own family is different from yours and, presumably, my experiences of family have been different. In my 30s, I switched quite rapidly from being a rather isolated, single person to being the partner, then wife, of someone with a number of step-children; then my father (with whom I had a stormy relationship) died and I felt very responsible for my elderly mother. My relationship with her has improved a great deal and she now lives nearby. Then I had DD, after years of trying to have a baby. I feel increasingly that my family is centrally important to me, indeed infinitely more important than other aspects of my identity which I used to think were central (such as my job). I would expect that this is a common experience and that many people who did not find family so important when they were younger find it increasingly important as they age and, perhaps, as other focuses of attention become less all-consuming.

paolosgirl · 21/09/2005 21:37

God no. Having had the most distant and uninterested father who did sod all with us unless it was something he wanted to do, I am absolutely determined to make sure that my kids have a childhood full of family time doing what we all want to do. Why have a family if you don't want family time?