Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Other subjects

Am I - as I suspect - the only MNer to find the whole concept of 'family' incredibly difficult?

105 replies

motherinferior · 21/09/2005 20:54

Long ago, when I was young and had principles and wore lots of badges about my principles, one of my badges said 'Nuclear Family No Thanks'. I've always found the whole idea of family - both the nuclear and the extended - incredibly hard to stomach. I'm well aware that this is, of course, shaped by my own experience of family, which for complex reasons was something that my parents both found incredibly important and botched up spectacularly. The idea of 'family time' makes me shudder. The idea of 'doing things as a family' I equate with 'doing what my father wanted'. I suspect that DP has his own issues with the whole idea too (for completely different reasons).

This is not, as far as I can see, damaging my children - DD1 is frightfully keen on the idea of family, and I have no problems with her keenness at all. And I love them, and most of the time I'm rather happy living with them and their father. But am I the only person who finds the whole thing somewhat uncomfortable at best?

OP posts:
Mum2girls · 21/09/2005 22:01

I think I fall into this camp too.

As far as I can remember, I have never wanted to be married and still don't to this day which I know slightly disappoints DP. I did actually say one time that I would marry him but keep my own name - he couldn't see the point (neither could I).

I hate the concept of 'family time', 'me time', 'quality time'etc ad nauseum. As a family, we are a complex bunch of people all doing our level best to go through life having fun, behaving in a civil way and hopefully liking and loving eachother at the same time.

None of us is perfect and I hope I never give my kids them the illusion that any of us is.

moondog · 21/09/2005 22:03

Nice post eemie.

oops · 21/09/2005 22:03

Message withdrawn

oops · 21/09/2005 22:04

Message withdrawn

oops · 21/09/2005 22:05

Message withdrawn

stitch · 21/09/2005 22:20

we used to do things together as a famiy. but i dont remember our parents ever calling it family time. it was simply when our parents would take us out somewhere. do something with us. they never went anywhere without us. so was not at all artificial.
dh and i dont do things together. to arrange something would be a nightmare. and qutie aritficial and would be something he wanted to do. so i guess our family tiem is when myself and the kids do something together. going to the park together. swimming together etc. usually coz ive got nowhere to leave any of them so drag them all along.

Caligula · 21/09/2005 22:21

The term "family time" never used to exist. Or quality time, or me time, or down time.

There was just time. And less of it was spent in the office.

TinyGang · 21/09/2005 22:26

I agree Caligula. Labelling things with names like 'family time' or 'quality time' just adds extra pressure for it to live up to something specific. Like Christmas - it can feel like an anti climax because of an unrealistic build up.

unicorn · 21/09/2005 22:27

back to the whole advertising/marketing industry again I think.

moondog · 21/09/2005 22:29

Lol Caligula!

aloha · 21/09/2005 22:30

Oh god, never call it 'family time'

muminlondon · 21/09/2005 22:33

I have good memories of the extended family I grew up in - huge meals/family discussions, the washing up rota, the bathroom rota, hundreds of Christmas presents, lying on the carpet to watch TV because there was no settee space left, playing Risk and Monopoly. I was the joint youngest. But it was busy and noisy and I was glad to find my own space at university. Then I avoided marriage, children, nesting, etc. till my late thirties. Does 3 constitute a family? Seems very different.

laligo · 21/09/2005 22:40

motherinferior i know how you feel (relating to original post). As a teenager in the 80s i had the same attitude... i have always thought that being born into a family is such a lottery, so unfair for kids who have a bad one, and always wished our society was more flexible so that kids could more easily move around between households and take time out from their own families in safety.

my own awful upbringing and family made being pregnant very scary and at that time lots of horrible memories came flooding over me, making me more scared than ever about having kids. but of course i adore ds and i love being with him and dp doing things together... it is just that horrible concept.

what i LOATHE especially is the idea that you owe people such as your siblings and cousins some kind of special respect or liking "because they're family". that used to infuriate me when i was younger as our family was SO dysfunctional, i thought it was such a cheek of my mum to expect me to like the people in it!

muminlondon · 21/09/2005 22:55

I agree that there has to be more than a sense of duty to bind a family and people shouldn't be taken for granted.

TwinSetAndPearls · 21/09/2005 23:14

I love my family time, when I was growing up my Mum was so desperatley trying to keep hold of my step father that my sister and I were added extras. We never did anything as a family and I swore that when I had kids it would be different.

I have had to fight to keep my family and I amlucky enough to have a dp who has taken on dd as if she were his own.

We have lots of family time although I would never call it that, we walk the dog every evening for an hour together as a family which I love. We have dd every other weekend, on the Saturday we go walking together as a family or have a trip somewhere and on a Sunday we go to church as a family.

Dp has taken a few days off this week and I have loved being able to do things together, on Tuesday we went into town to buy some odds and ends and I ahd one of those moments when you go out of your body and watch yourself. I thought what a lovely, unified, devoted family we are and I felt blessed.

I am lucky i that being divorced dd goes to her dad and that we have family close by so we also have "me" time and "couple" time. All of which I think are needed for a happy family.

JoolsToo · 21/09/2005 23:17

lovely post TSAP

I'm blessed also

Tortington · 21/09/2005 23:43

i am opposit e- i find the whole concept of nuclear family extremely important. this is becuase i was an only child living with a nutbucket mother. i love the fact i live in a family of five wonderfully different people. however i wouldnt like to force the idea of a family utopia ie. WE MUST PLAY BOPARD GAMES AT 6PM ON WEDNESDAY cos thats not the point really is it!

ScummyMummy · 21/09/2005 23:59

I don't think I think much about the concept of family when it comes to my own, really. Thye're there and cool and we do things together when it suits which is a lot. Very boringly pragmatic really. Am quite intrigued about the concept being a problem rather than the actual experience. There are some interesting posts on here.

ghosty · 22/09/2005 01:56

I agree with Scummy
My family is simply the people I am related to who I grew up with and now too my husband and children ... I love them all ... they are my family ... I don't particularly have to like them all the time (and believe me I don't) and we never use the term 'family time' ... we do stuff together sometimes and enjoy it and sometimes we don't. But we (DH and kids and I) all live under the same roof and are all related so I guess whatever time we spend together is family time IYSWIM?

I had a nice 'normal' family upbringing but I do remember feeling forever frustrated with the traditionalist side of my parents ... you know, the 'Wait till your father gets home' threat (which I never say to DS) ... and the fact that everyone had their 'place' at home ... I was always the youngest and so never ever got to sit in the front of the car unless I was on my own with the driver ... we all had set places at the dinner table ... Sunday Lunch was sacred ... and god forbid if anyone sat in Dad's chair or had the remote control ...
Those sorts of things I won't do with my family ...

eemie · 22/09/2005 08:50

Jimjams, it's not that I feel false, but I think that to others our life can seem easy, bright and sunny because, just as in an advert, the shadows are out of sight.

In my own head the idea of our family being complete is still strange, even though I've been trying to get used to it for quite a while. My head buzzes with it even when we are having our happiest times.

This is really hard to explain and I'm getting tearful as I type, so maybe I need to mull it over a bit more.

Issymum · 22/09/2005 09:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request

tortoiseshell · 22/09/2005 09:38

I love family - both the immediate family and extended family. Family isn't about Macdonalds, Disney, advertising, and it isn't something you create either - I think it's happiness in existing together. I love it when we meet up with our neices and nephews, and also our cousins with their children. 'Family time' isn't something you contrive to have on your timetable, it's all the time I think - sometimes doing things together, sometimes doing your own thing, but being able to be interested in what the others are doing.

I especially love going on holiday as a family, sometimes on our own, sometimes with other relations - enjoying the differences between exploring new places, and watching new relationships forming between relations and children etc.

But I've always loved it - always wanted to get married, have children. And it's not perfect at all, but I love the IDEA of it!

tortoiseshell · 22/09/2005 09:39

I love family - both the immediate family and extended family. Family isn't about Macdonalds, Disney, advertising, and it isn't something you create either - I think it's happiness in existing together. I love it when we meet up with our neices and nephews, and also our cousins with their children. 'Family time' isn't something you contrive to have on your timetable, it's all the time I think - sometimes doing things together, sometimes doing your own thing, but being able to be interested in what the others are doing.

I especially love going on holiday as a family, sometimes on our own, sometimes with other relations - enjoying the differences between exploring new places, and watching new relationships forming between relations and children etc.

But I've always loved it - always wanted to get married, have children. And it's not perfect at all, but I love the IDEA of it!

Fio2 · 22/09/2005 09:43

its not that we like or dont like it but i dont think we are typical. We seem to have no trips to the zoo, days out etc etc and we tend to do everything fluidly and not through routine, half dictated and half just naturally. We seem to have no extended family either

not suyr wheteher any of this makes sense either!

frogs · 22/09/2005 09:52

Agree with Scummy and Issymum. My version of 'family' isn't the same as the saccharine construct on the backs of cereal packets (which I agree is nauseating).

I grew up in a massive extended family (yep, Catholics, breed like rabbits, doncha know). We have huge international family get-togethers every so often, usually for weddings, or somebody's 80th or whatever, and 'immediate family only' ends up being 60 people before you've even blinked. We also do a big summer holiday each year with the younger generations, involving me, my sisters and several of my cousins, with somewhere northwards of 13 children between us.

A good few of my relatives are deeply mad, some in a nice way, some less so. Some are delightful most of the time, some nice only in small doses. But there's something rather lovely about having all these people who are related to you, with whom you have a bond that goes beyond the obligations of friendship, who will do things for you just because your grandmother is their aunt or whatever. I know the children feel there is something special about cousins, about the fact that they belong together even though they lead very different lives. They also learn something about getting on with people who they wouldn't necessarily have met or gravitated towards if they weren't related.

That doesn't mean that we feel the stultifying obligations that sometimes come across in 'how opressive families are'-type articles. Yes, I do grimace when my elderly aunts phone me up to get a detailed update of dd2's potty-training progress, or to give me their lengthy views on the new Pope while I'm trying to cook supper. But I try to humour them, because they're old, the contact means a lot to them, because they put up with me when I was small and irritating, and they care about us. And yes, I heave a deep sigh when yet another aunt asks me to have a teenage second cousin to stay for two weeks so that he can practise his English, but I do it anyway. And I know one day someone will do it for my children when they want to learn another language (Polish GCSE, anyone?).

In the end it's about ties, and belonging, knowing that you have a place in the world that isn't just about how much you can make other people like you. Love, I suppose. Anyway, what's the alternative? Dh doesn't really 'get' family, has two first cousins who he couldn't pick out in a line-up. His brother has two children, my children's first cousins, one of whom they have never even met, because family is not considered a priority, and nobody has made the effort. How sad is that?

Swipe left for the next trending thread