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Original poster

Am I - as I suspect - the only MNer to find the whole concept of 'family' incredibly difficult?

105 replies

motherinferior · 21/09/2005 20:54

Long ago, when I was young and had principles and wore lots of badges about my principles, one of my badges said 'Nuclear Family No Thanks'. I've always found the whole idea of family - both the nuclear and the extended - incredibly hard to stomach. I'm well aware that this is, of course, shaped by my own experience of family, which for complex reasons was something that my parents both found incredibly important and botched up spectacularly. The idea of 'family time' makes me shudder. The idea of 'doing things as a family' I equate with 'doing what my father wanted'. I suspect that DP has his own issues with the whole idea too (for completely different reasons).

This is not, as far as I can see, damaging my children - DD1 is frightfully keen on the idea of family, and I have no problems with her keenness at all. And I love them, and most of the time I'm rather happy living with them and their father. But am I the only person who finds the whole thing somewhat uncomfortable at best?

OP posts:
Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:39

Spot on, Aloha, it's one of the reasons I don't want to be married. And I'm quite happy not to be in 'family pictures' of DP and his brothers and his SIL - in fact I have to be bullied into it.

I suspect we are all doing a rather lovely job, though

OP posts:
unicorn · 21/09/2005 21:39

I can understand what you're saying MI.

There is so much media (ha) pressure to be that happy, holding hands, skipping in the sunset, all singing and dancing family.

I think the key maybe the feeling that you have, to a degree,lost your own individuality, it has been subsumed into this entity called 'family'.

crazydazy · 21/09/2005 21:40

I think we as a family are in the middle somewhere....we love doing things with the kids and spend weekends at parks/swimming etc but also wish we had some time as a couple. We only have DP's Mum and Dad to help out as my DM is not interested when it comes to "helping out" and they look after the kids so I can work so we don't like to ask them to babysit too often!!!

I think the fact that I got pregnant one month after meeting DP didn't help as we have never really had time as a couple before kids either!!!

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:40

Paolosgirl, that's it: I - and I think others - don't 'have a family'. We have children, and we may or may not live with the other parents of those children. I talk about my household, not my family. Love them all dearly, but that's not the point.

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Rhubarb · 21/09/2005 21:41

It's not wanting family time, it's just the notion of it, society's notion I guess. And like MI said, some people try to force you into doing 'family' things that you don't want to do. Everyone has a different idea of what a family is, but not everyone is willing to accept this.

Jackstini · 21/09/2005 21:44

I do like being part of a family and mine aren't too bad.
What I do find really wierd though is the idea you should all get on together & like similar things just because you share blood!
Like they say - you can choose your friends....

moondog · 21/09/2005 21:45

Wouldn't you concur though MI, that ideally we would live with the other parent of our child???

aloha · 21/09/2005 21:46

When I fell in love with dh, we talked a lot about children. He was already immersed in an identity (which he loved) as a father. I am in love with being a mother (doesn't mean I am in any way perfect or lovely. I'm impatient, have a vile temper, go to bed feeling guilty and sad far more often than I would like) but the flashes of light in between are so vivid and beautiful that it really is, for me, what I exist for. What I was put on earth for. I think it was Tigermoth who said that as an atheist, having children gave her life meaning, and I feel that to (to my surprise). And I know dh shares that feeling. I suspect this all sounds quite revolting!

moondog · 21/09/2005 21:48

I agree with what someone said earlier about liking the notion of extended family. I love it when my dear sisters and their dhs and offspring and parents are here.
Kids running riot,bottles being uncorked,music being played far too loudly......

Its really important to me that my nephews and nieces feel as happy and comfortable here as they do in their own homes and that they visit without their parents.

weesaidie · 21/09/2005 21:48

Well ideally I think children would live with both parents who are happy together...

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:48

I think that's too much of a generalisation in some ways, Moondog. I honestly don't know. Although I do know that my daughters love living with both their parents.

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aloha · 21/09/2005 21:48

Ah, I really truly envy you that.

Caligula · 21/09/2005 21:50

I think the idea of having to spend time in Monkey Bizz or Wacky Warehouse or Disneyland just because I'm part of a family makes me shudder in horror. That's a horrible capitalist construct isn't it - spend time spending loads of money at horrible places otherwise you're not really a family. And oh how I hate parks with swings and slides and things. Why does a nature park have to have one on site? Why is it assumed that kids have to have these bloody things to play on and I have to follow them around while they do so, in order for the day to be enjoyable?

But watching the Simpsons as a family otoh...

Medea · 21/09/2005 21:50

Paradoxically I hate the phrase "me time" too. I think it's possible to find the idea of the family suspect (I would have loved to avoid marriage, but I come from a particular culture where if I'd done so, I'd have estranged myself from my parents etc) while also finding self-indulgence hard to stomach too.

JoolsToo · 21/09/2005 21:51

bah humbug - kids LOVE playgrounds and all things dangerous

Original poster
motherinferior · 21/09/2005 21:52

Ah, the Simpsons. Actually that makes me feel a lot better. The Simpsons I can do

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paolosgirl · 21/09/2005 21:52

I don't think it's a generalisation to say that most children would ideally like to live with both parents in a happy relationship. Whats wrong with that?

oops · 21/09/2005 21:52

Message withdrawn

tamum · 21/09/2005 21:54

I'm like aloha, really, I love the whole extended family thing- stepchildren, hlaf-siblings-in-law, I've got the lot and it's lovely. I am much less keen on the nuclear family idea (though I am quite happy with mine when the rest aren't around), partly I think because my parents always liked everything to be just the 4 of us. Interesting how many of us are trying not to recreate the exact set-up we grew up with, even if we weren't traumatised by it.

aloha · 21/09/2005 21:54

Caligula, if your son was dyspraxic, it would make your heart sing to see him clambering up a climbing frame! I'm all for them.

eemie · 21/09/2005 21:55

Well, to a casual observer we might look like an 'advert' family when we're out for the day. They would have no idea of the losses and suffering we went through to get to where we are. I used to feel that we wouldn't be a 'proper family' if we couldn't give dd a brother or sister but I no longer feel that.

My family of origin was a nightmare in many ways, but I treasure the happiness we can have now with dd and it's certainly not uncomfortable. I'm enjoying the childhood I never had, through being close to her.

We both feel lucky that she wants to be with us and we are still her first choice of playmates, at least some of the time. Family days are organised mainly around what she will enjoy. When we have to do other things, like shopping, we try to make it fun for her.

I liked the Guardian article on the family the other day - they were all so different, but they all identified themselves as families and were committed to each other. Your family is who you say it is. For some people it's their friends as much as, or more than, their relatives.

But there's nothing necessarily contrived or phoney about loving and being committed to your own partner and children. I remember those badges, MI., and thinking it would make far more sense to adopt needy orphans than to bring an unnecessary new person into the world, and thinking communes were obviously the way to go. But that was partly a reflection of the way I was brought up.

Drawing boundaries around our little family and guarding our privacy and autonomy has been one of the great achievements of my adult life. So I'm not going to knock it - it's a hard-won prize and I appreciate it every day.

oops · 21/09/2005 21:56

Message withdrawn

aloha · 21/09/2005 21:57

noooo! My ds has hardly ever seen an advert and he is passionately (at 4) attached to the idea of family. And we have never been to a Wacky Warehouse (or even seen one, i think).

paolosgirl · 21/09/2005 21:57

Hey - give me rotten old capitalist Disneyland any day (All together now...)M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Mickey Mouse, Mickey Mouse....

Jimjams · 21/09/2005 22:00

eemie- can I ask do you feel false when you are out and about? I know when I'm out with ds2 and ds3 we look nuclear and adverty, but I feel like I'm living a lie. Which kind of spoils it a bit. Maybe that will go with time, it's all new.

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