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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

Original poster

Getting bored with MumsNetters who ...

333 replies

Mulanmum · 04/11/2008 15:25

Leave their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 kids to cuddle each other and play harmoniously whilst they come onto this topic to tell us that only children are:

spoiled/spoilt
likely to prefer their chaotic household to the sad and lonely bleakhouse inhabited by an only child
will be lost and lonely without the comradeship of sibs when parents die

and that they have never met an adult who enjoyed being an only child

and on and on and on!

It isn't helpful for those who, unlike me, would have liked to have more children.

I don't go sticking my nose into the Larger Families topics posting tactless and unhelpful comments about children I know who LOATHE being one of TOO many or adults who DETEST their brothers/sisters.

Supportive and constructive posts are welcome from multi-kid mums but if you can't manage that then please get back to your kids and stop little Jasper hammering on little Jocasta's head.

Thank you

OP posts:
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MerlinsBeard · 04/11/2008 18:44

squeaver, can you explain to me WHY 1 parent families need a topic to themselves? I mean that nicely and none rudely because i genuinely do not know! i understand the larger families one as the logistics of 4+ children must be overwhelming!

squeaver · 04/11/2008 18:49

Here's what a put in a thread ages ago:

There are a lot of things that parents of onlies get concerned about that ARE unique to having just one e.g (off the top of my head):

  • how to stop your child getting spoiled
  • how to deal with a "lonely only"
  • what to do about going on holiday
  • preparing for the future (the whole "what about when we die" debate)

Plus there are loads of reasons why people only have one child: choice/unable to conceive/by accident.

Sometimes these things need to be discussed in the comfort of a devoted topic where everyone has the same starting point. If it's a more general issue, people can still post elsewhere.

Plus it's nice to get to "know" other MNers in the same position.

Plus there's a topic for multiples, one for larger families and one for chicken-keepers.

It's certainly not going to stop me posting in S&B, behaviour/development, AIBU (when I dare), chat or anywhere else.

........

For what it's worth, I do actually think that larger families do have more day-to-day issues to deal with.

FrockHorror · 04/11/2008 18:51

"i dont need to post in this section - listen carefully and i will tell you why

my child bottle fed, shit through huggies nappies, wet through tesco's nappies, didnt like jars of mush but excelled with BLW, pissed on the floor and through several sets of clothes daily whilst toilet training. still wets the bed, refused to eat from 2 years - 4, had several bouts of unconsciousness from breath holding resulting in many hospital tests, had recurrent tonsilitis until earlier this year when he had his tonsills out

are you seeing a pattern here ?

my child is the same as every one else's. i dont need a special topic in which to discuss him, he is a child, and as the mother of said child, i face the same problems and difficulties, joy and happiness as mothers of 10"

Well said, Korma

kittywise · 04/11/2008 18:51

Yes 'Id like to know what is the 'need' for it? as mumofmonsters says, we've ll had one child at some point.

What are the 'dificulties'of only having one chid to look after , and I'm genuinely interested, not being nasty.

squeaver · 04/11/2008 18:51

And I really didn't think it was going to turn into a "aren't we great, isn't everyone else terrible" topic.

Sigh.

kittywise · 04/11/2008 18:53

It shouldn't no, but I think people with only one child can be terribly prickly about it.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 19:03

blueskyandsunshine - yes, I think it's the barging aspect which has been upsetting some people.

mumofmonsters - I beg to differ. As I said on the other thread, there is (in my view) a difference - maybe small and maybe psychological but real, nevertheless - between having one's first child, knowing, trusting or believing that there will be more to follow, and having one's only child, knowing (as a few of us did) that there is no chance of any more. So although on one level it may be true that (excepting those who had twins or more) all mums of more than one have spent time as the mother of an only, on another level it isn't, because (again with the exception of those who decided first to have just one child and then later changed their minds) they haven't lived with the knowledge that their child is destined to be an only child.

As I said then, the distinction is quite important because what some of us have been posting about on this topic is how to turn that knowledge into a positive rather than a negative thing. At least, that's how I interpret it.

I agree that very many parenting issues apply across the board, regardless of how many or few children one has. But there are some issues around having an only child and I'm still baffled by how much venom the (I thought very inoffensive) concept of having a topic dedicated to those issues has attracted and seems still to attract.

I'm happy for anyone to come and take part in the conversations here - this isn't a private members' club with tickets checked at the door. But nor do I find it surprising if posters who thought this topic might be a safe haven, away from the dreaded 'you must have a second baby or otherwise your child will become a lonely, over-indulged misfit' sort of comment often directed at mothers of one, get a little exasperated when others drop in to make just that sort of comment.

Of course it's true that we all need to suck it up from time to time, but could we all please quit the gratuitous rudeness?

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 19:13

Am an incredibly slow typist and so have only just seen squeaver's excellent posts. Her examples of only-child-specific issues are spot-on. To me they look like the equivalent of the 'what's the best car if you have four children in car seats?' type of question which pop up on the larger families topic and don't (as far as I know) start a MN riot.

MerlinsBeard · 04/11/2008 19:31

ok i can see that, but why a whole topic? why not just start threads? would they get lost too quickly?

(i am probably coming across as rude but really i am not honest!)

MerlinsBeard · 04/11/2008 19:35

sorry, i typed and then did the bedtime thing and then posted before i refreshed.

I can see why the confusion now after reading madbads post. I can see that having one child and maybe more(whether or not you already know) is different to having an ONLY child(whatever your reasons are for that)

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 19:38

Can only speak for myself (obviously), but yes I think the joy of having a topic is that it and its constituent threads are easy to find. Nothing more than that (although parity with larger families and chicken keepers is nice too).

squeaver · 04/11/2008 19:41

Yes, in a funny way, it's a purely logistical thing. And in that sense, surely not worth getting so heated up about?

Actually I'm one of those who usually only ever goes int active convos so have had to remind myself to look at this topic (usually after I've looked at sleb twaddle )

themildmanneredaxemurderer · 04/11/2008 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dizzydixies · 04/11/2008 19:45

omg, I do believe was I who bored the OP - sorry all!

OrmIrian · 04/11/2008 19:49

I'll be honest. I frequently envy one-child families. I love the idea of a bit of calm and order in my chaotic, messy house. And no, there are many many times when it's not warm, cosy and harmonious. Sometimes it's about as warm and harmonious as a mixed crowd of West Ham and Arsenal fans

I would love to be able to focus my finite energies and resources on one child. But just pointless speculation really - hindsight being a wonderful if useless thing. I wouldn't be without any of them.

Fundamentally we are all doing a similar job and I find it terribly sad that anyone wishes to sew disagreement between two groups of people, basically doing the same thing.

avaTsar · 04/11/2008 19:54

I'm an only too and I cannot remember my parents ever ever mantioning the subject in either a positive or negative way.

I never thought much about it until mn and this topic popped up. I had no idea it was such an ishoo.

Original poster
Mulanmum · 04/11/2008 20:17

Right - well we've all got that off our chests rather than having to address it in different threads . Fact is: we asked for a topic - MNHQ gave us a topic. If you are interested in it then it will be of value to you. If you're not interested then ignore. It's meant to be supportive and fun, so chipping in to tell us that the only child you know is a spoilt brat and your DH was an only and is therefore insisting on 10 kids to avoid them having the same psychological issues as him is neither supportive or fun.

No doubt this is going to cue more foul-mouthed personal insults and lame attempts at humour. Just get it off your chests and then scurry back to the AIBU threads and take a pop at someone else.

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 04/11/2008 20:22

good grief Mulanmum, get off your high horse and if thats how YOU feel don't bother venturing out of your one-child family bit.

QuintessentialGunpowderPlot · 04/11/2008 20:29

ahem.

Look what topic Mulanmum has posted in? In that light, I dont think the op is so shite.

dizzydixies · 04/11/2008 20:34

she's been on her high horse about it in another thread I posted on and I only clicked on this as its in active convos and was intrigued because it was her again

won't make that mistake again, I too get bored by one trick ponies

cupsoftea · 04/11/2008 20:38

Hey Mulan which of the larger families posters has upset you? - link to their post - lets see it. I just can't believe posters on the larger families section would write the things you say.

blueskyandsunshine · 04/11/2008 20:39

dizzy, such hostility!

Miyazaki · 04/11/2008 20:43

I can only assume that there is an awful lot of history here that I have no idea about because the verbals that have been given out on this thread seem completely ott.

MM is obv venting big time - but is the basic point not a correct one - it isn't really on to barge into topics with a viewpoint that is obv going to be contentious within that topic (1 parent families - have more children, TTC - why not adopt, sleep - just give him a bottle and so on.,.) if you are not a one child family and the topic is that annoying to you, hide it. It won't pop up in active convos at all that way.

dizzydixies · 04/11/2008 20:48

the topic doesn't annoy me in the slightest, am a supporter of families in all their shapes/sizes/forms and fully support my brother and his wife's decision to stop at only one child

am not a member of the larger families topics either as I don't have 4 or more

maybe I shall flounce off and demand a topic be started for in-between-families with only 3 kids

behave yourselves, if there are issues here it is nothing to do with me, I voiced a valid and reasonable opinion on another thread and really can't be bothered now

end of

MaureenMLove · 04/11/2008 20:51

You know what? This topic is boardering on becoming as controversial as breast over bottle or SAHM over WOHM!

We will never all agree on this topic and for the love of god, why would we want to. If we want to all say, 'oh yes hun, you are so right' then we need tickers and we need to be on another website!

If you don't like the comments on a thread, IGNORE THEM! Everyone has a right to comment and whether you like it or not, people still will. This is Mumsnet and for many of us, we would not be without it! For all the nastiness and bitching we are all still here posting and we love it!

That is one thing we all agree on. And if you don't, you know where the door is!