Getting bored with MumsNetters who ...

[Mulanmum]

Leave their 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 kids to cuddle each other and play harmoniously whilst they come onto this topic to tell us that only children are:

spoiled/spoilt
likely to prefer their chaotic household to the sad and lonely bleakhouse inhabited by an only child
will be lost and lonely without the comradeship of sibs when parents die

and that they have never met an adult who enjoyed being an only child

and on and on and on!

It isn't helpful for those who, unlike me, would have liked to have more children.

I don't go sticking my nose into the Larger Families topics posting tactless and unhelpful comments about children I know who LOATHE being one of TOO many or adults who DETEST their brothers/sisters.

Supportive and constructive posts are welcome from multi-kid mums but if you can't manage that then please get back to your kids and stop little Jasper hammering on little Jocasta's head.

Thank you

MULANMUM: I honestly think that your approach is provoctive and not helpful, and is causing a lot of the friction that surrounds this board.

you say :"Through some of your very moving replies you have explained the hurtful comments we have to put up with and the anguish many suffer at not being able to have more children. It might make people think before they speak it future ... who knows, we can only hope!" Having a competitive 'go' at bigger families, pointing out what you perceive (rightly or wrongly) to be downsides of more children is equally hurtful. ihave been on MN for a long time and have never seen an argumen won through that kind of tactic - and why would it be?

Yes, there HAVE sometimes been lazy assumptions about only-children, and insensitive things said. All you need to do is counter the generalisation or stereotype, or explain why things make you feel sensitive.

You started the sideswipes at bigger families on this board and you really are stirring up muck for the rest of the people who simply want to talk about things on their mind, not be part of an ongoing slanging match with any other posters.

oh fgs .. now we have 2 threads running on this subject..

It seems to me that the more this goes on the more walls that will go up. I got really annoyed on an earlier thread at something that was said by someone from the onlies section... looking back I still think I was right butI think there post was born out of frustration and defenciveness (sp?)

seems to me we have 2 courses of action .. have the section removed or call a truce...

shall we have a poll???[grin}

OP has also claimed that she chose to adopt and chose to stop at one which either makes the anguish argument a specious one or points to disguised sadness, which might explain the whole provocative agenda thingie.

I completely disagree with the disparaging remarks which have been made about multiple-child families, but I'd be sad if the only child topic was removed because as a mum of an only it is useful, just for ease of finding threads, to have them grouped under their own topic. When I first joined MN a few years ago we were still ttc (DS is 5, we gave up trying for another this summer after 2 mcs and no more success conceiving). I was looking for reassurance about having an only (I'm one of three, DH is one of seven so we have no personal experience of being an only except the first two years of my life, which don't give me much to go on!), partly because of all the horrible, and unjust, stereotypes there are out there about only children. I was hoping to get information from mums of older onlies than mine on things like how to handle making sure they have enough playmates, good ideas for holidays with onlies where they'll get to spend time with other kids, and just I guess hoping for reassurance that my body's inability to produce another child wasn't going to ruin DS's life, as some in RL have suggested to me. I found threads through searching and got lots of reassurance and good advice. But when having a separate topic for onlies was suggested I thought what a good idea, much easier than doing searches especially if you're new to the site.

But obviously having a separate topic has been divisive, and that's so sad. I thought we were all here to support each other, not slag each other off. Could we all perhaps pretend this thread never happened and start again, ideally without the harsh and unjustified comments about other people's perfectly reasonable life choices/circumstances?

Wasn't going to post agian becasue I truly don;t care who is offended by being called messy or selfish or whatever on this particular topic.

Until I read your post fummery...

OP did adopt (why "claimed").

Chosing to adopt does not make "the anguish argument a specious one"

My grief and pain at never being able to bear a child biologically is not in any way cured by chosing to adopt. If you had stated that giving birth subsequent to a miscarriage somehow makes the pain of that miscarriage irrelevant, you would quite rightly be shouted down by virtually every poster here.

kewk, that's what the op said, though. that she'd suffered no anguish.

I'm by some of the comments on this thread and in this topic in general.

There are many, many topics on MN which do not apply to me, so I don't post in them and I don't care what's written in them. Why should this one be any different?

cos if they were saying 'that rebelmum doesn't love her kids as much as i do you might be a bit .

excuse me if I have misunderstood. I will definitely leave now.

That would be a personal attack and I would be rather about it!

I think that a debate about eg is it better to be an only child or one of siblings can be valid and interesting, but the place for it would be the Parenting section.

If there are threads in the Larger Families section (or whatever it's called) about how fabulous it is to have loads of children and how pleased they are that they didn't have just one, fine. I could not care less. I actually wouldn't even know about it as I do not read that board.

if there are threads on the LF board saying that anyone who has only one child must be bringing up a spoiled brat, must have OCD tidiness issues, must be smothering as parent etc, i would take similar issue tbh.

blimey, 10 pages and still goin strong!

The op was badly judged and confrontational. i understand her frustration at how this board has been accepted but she could have handled it much better.

and I do understand the frustrations of some of you regarding that and that you feel that some of the more illjudged (and nasty) posts were attacking your family choices and set ups.however I was offended and shocked at some of the vitriol offloaded by some of the "against" contingency.

however, i do still think that an only child board will be a valid and helpful addition to mn. as has been said many times on this thread, there are plenty of issues surrounding only child famillies that dont affect those with 2/3/4+ and it is very different knowing that your lo will be an only child rather than your first.

so truce please, we are all very lucky to have the children we do whether they are adopted, delivered by cs or vb, or bought by the stork and whether we have 1 dc or 100. we all make choices and facer problems individual to us and our famillies and should all be able to seek advice/friendship as needed.

Hear, hear Lissie.

I didn't hide the topic after all

I thought VVV was just declaring herself to be an idiot.

way to start a fight, oh bold namechange...

I have no issue with this topic if all you want to do is chat about Christmas. I'd have thought a thread would suffice really, and actually might be better, as then it is more just general chat without everyone piling in but-if you honestly feel you need a topic then go for it.

I don't think only families are precious either, not at all. I was trying to explain the reaction to this thread.

But while we are on the subject, can someone point me in the direction of a thread in this section which has said that only children are spoiled/spoilt
likely to prefer their chaotic household to the sad and lonely bleakhouse inhabited by an only child
will be lost and lonely without the comradeship of sibs when parents die and that they have never met an adult who enjoyed being an only child

IF that is really going on it is rather rude but I have been briefly through the archives and can't find many gatecrashers on these threads.

I am concluding that this is a turf war. fgs.

just to reiterate though...if this section is honestly serving a need, and that need is not just to insult the rest of us who can't keep our legs shut then I have no problem with the topic existing.

I know this is really contentious but I'm going to say this anyway..

changing your name before slagging someone off is imho cowardly

if you feel strongly enough to call some an idiot then at least have the courage of your convictions.. give your name and reasons why you think the other person is wrong

Fillyjonk - I don't have the search skills to find the posts in question, but all the points you list have been made (perhaps not in exactly those words but something pretty close) in some posts on some of the threads on this topic. They are seared on my memory.

And, err, this isn't about how much lurve action any of us are getting. For some of us, lurve action has no connection whatsoever with babies. Which was kind of a theme in some of the threads.

There is a genuine need for this topic, I think, and I am fervently hoping that we are now entering a period of calm and reflection. A truce in other words.

"And, err, this isn't about how much lurve action any of us are getting. For some of us, lurve action has no connection whatsoever with babies. Which was kind of a theme in some of the threads."

ah no that isn't really what I meant, sorry. bad comment on my part really.

I must admit i was suprsed when i first saw the topic, but didn't much care. it was only when I noticed what was being posted that I got grumpy.

let me find some examples...

fillyjonk - That was a gracious apology, for which many thanks.

Those of us who are trying to keep the topic alive and reclaim it for calm discussion of those (maybe few) questions which are specific to only children are doing what we can to move away from yah-boo name calling, insults and insinuations. I am sure that you will find some unpleasant examples on both sides. But can I ask that you please pretty please don't dredge them up again. Anyone who wants to see them can find them on the threads but we will never leave this unpleasant spat behind us if we keep raking over the smouldering coals and fanning the flames.

Please can we move on?

eg "Big familes give me the eebie geebies"

"only children generally have the best friendship skills. this is because if they desire social contact they need to make and keep friendships. If you have a sibling you do not need to develop these skills as a sibling is always there."

and my absolute favourite

"I've got 9 kids and I just left them by the roadside for an hour and they learned about road safety the hard way"

there is more, that is just two threads worth

this is the sort of thing that is oissing people off

I have found more, but really its all mulanmum, not the rest of you.

I do rather think that this is a case of one poster spoiling it for the rest

Yes I know. But I think this has crossed with my plea not to fan the flames by reminding people of the juiciest insults they might have missed ...

Dear God - have you people nothing better to do but argue and argue???

The name change was done this a.m. (for reasons explained on that thread!) and I forgot to change back before I posted. I know it might be hard for some of you to believe but most of us do not live and breathe MumsNet.

I think it's a bit rich for (whoever) to claim I was the one trying to start a fight when it was VVV who called ME an idiot!

Aitch - get a life, dear! You're blathering on about me on at least two threads - you're getting obsessed with me. It's like having a cyber stalker!

And if fillyjonk has found many posts disparaging larger families they haven't been made by ME - I'm 1 of 4 myself! I didn't say quote no.2 so why don't you and Aitch start a witch-hunt against whoever did say it? But might I suggest that instead of searching for more posts she finds something productive to do.

Someone asked (3 times!) where's Mulanmum? Well after posting on here this morning I've been busy being a mum!

I'm going to ask Mumsnet to delete this thread (I know a lot of you are having a lot of fun on it, but I'm sure there are plenty of threads on AIBU that you can kick off on).

No doubt you'll carry on wittering but you'll have to forgive me if I don't respond as I'll be enjoying other threads on this topic and other parts of the board. And being a mum too