Celebrating one child families!

[Mulanmum]

I know that a lot of families have one child through cricumstance rather than choice and I'm really pleased that we now have a topic where they can share their sadness and frustration. But to balance it I'd like to start a thread for those of us who have one child by choice and don't feel wistful, cheated or inadequate because we don't have a second, or third, or fourth ...

I belong to a forum for inter-country adopters and one member posted about a second child joining their family "now I feel we are a proper family. When it was just the three of us I felt we were a bit lame".

There was a fab thread in the Parenting section a while ago (anyone do a link?) where people were listing the advantages of having an only child. One member posted that she and her husband "glory" in their DS. I thought that was a lovely choice of word .

It's 3.10 in the morning so I don't really feel like glorying in anything just now but wanted to get this thread started and will add to it when I'm not shattered!

OK I am not trying to say your relationship with your dd has suffered or become less as a result of your having more children!

But I am trying to say that when you have more time, attention and focus for one child, as is generally the case in one child families, this effect does make the relationship different compared to when your time and focus are spread around.

Mulanmum, is this the thread you wanted a link to in your OP?

I think that you both lose and gain aspects/facets of the relationship with the first child when you have more children.

I think the word "lose" might be problematic here...I am just trying to say that the only child - parent relationship is different in many ways, some of these differences will be experienced as positive and others as negative, this will vary according to individuals. Obviously most parents have had an only child for a short period - but I would say this is not the same as having a child who was always intended as an only, neither is it the same as having an only child for nine years, which is my own experience.

Since the thread was about celebrating only children, by its very nature it is concentrating on the many positives. I find it odd that parents of siblings have taken this as an attack on their own family size and relationships with their children...but perhaps this is an insight into the world of only child families, who are subjected to much harsh judgement in society.

sis that is the thread I started ages ago under my old posting name of flobbleflobble! I love that thread!

Oh well done for starting that thread - it was lovely and I have kept it on my 'watched threads' to cheer me up when other people's hurtful comments get to me!

Podrick - I read your post as a poem.

I am a mother of one, I read your poem and it was so magical and positive towards my chosen family size, that I felt a flutter in my heart and for a second my blood was made of pure champagne - I shivered!

It seems anyone who has more than one child and read your post felt a need to revolt against it! This is because it is written in such a way different lines sing out to different people.

I think the line about 'lose of relationship' is poetic. I was an only child until I was four and a half... when my sister was born the relationship I had with my Mother and Father changed - somethings were lost somethings were gained. Podrick's poem talks about what is lost by having more because we are celebrating the positive side of being a one child family. If the narrator chooses to talk about what could be gained from having more children. Knowing that no more are to come.... it belongs on another sadder thread in one child topic, not this one!

I say that post is a poem because - Poetry is something that comes from the heart and stomach and hits the reader in the heart and stomach too - making us feel raw and more human! - Maybe you feel more human because it makes you feel so so happy, maybe very angry, or terribly sad but whatever making us feel more human.

To balance Podricks post - because we have a lot of lovely big family Mums hanging out here too... here is a picture I have framed of a big family on my wall...it makes me feel sad for what I haven't got but I love it because it is so beautiful....
livefromsweden.files.wordpress.com/2006/08/carl-larsson-painting.jpg

hatrick

sis it is a real "feel good" thread - there are so many lovely posts!

teafortwo, thank you so much for posting how you felt about my post - you even called it a poem and you have made my day . You are quite right that it came from the heart and yes also from the stomach, and perhaps that is indeed why the reactions to it were quite strong (in both directions!)

I think it is easy to think that more children is just about gaining things, and I found it balancing to realise that things are also lost - both current things and also future opportunities.

I love the idea of a big family, I am sure that the experience would have been wonderful beyond my imagination, but I also see that I would have had to trade the incredible experiences I have had with my only child that I would not have missed for all the world.

"I love the idea of a big family, I am sure that the experience would have been wonderful beyond my imagination, but I also see that I would have had to trade the incredible experiences I have had with my only child that I would not have missed for all the world. "

Ditto !!!

Every Sunday after the market we go to a café my daughter likes to have a strawberry milk, my husband half a leffe and me a milky coffee!

If I say "Ohhhh my coffee is so nice, not at all sweet, lovely and warm and it is good to get a good caffine kick!" I am not saying their drinks are bad I am just saying how much I am enjoying my own drink!

Seriously - hatrick - I think you should set up a celebrating large families thread where you lot can post and we can lurk 'n learn!!!!

BTW - me hangin' out on mn is a clue my dd is still ill. She keeps fiddling with her shoes, has threaded a few beads and has stopped being sick which are all good signs!!! 3 days until the holiday!!!! I hope she would have had enough time to fully recover by then!!!!

• I hate it when my dd is ill - sounds like she is on the up though!

Er..I agree with Soupy's posts on here and as I am an only child myself but have 3 dc of my own, I've seen both sides of this.

I don't see more children as a dilution of my affection, you just naturally adapt and add to it to accommodate the more you have.

I remember having all of my parents attention on me and this could (and can be now) be problematic at times.

I am in the same position as Tskulls in that I have seen it from both sides. I have a sister, but she is so much older than me that in effect I was brought up as an only child. I have 5 DSs myself.
I find the underlying theme of this thread, that you cannot love more than one as much as only one, rather insulting to be honest. I love each and every one of my children, as we all do. They are all individuals and you love them accordingly!
I personally think the benefits to the children from being one of a larger family far outweigh any downsides (remembering those from my own childhood.) I know which I would rather be in.

TskullsScreaming and Tiggiwinkle - nobody at all has said that more children is a dilution of your affection - you have completely misunderstood the thread.

The underlying theme of the thread is absolutely not that you cannot love more than one as much as one, that would indeed be insulting if anyone had said it - but nobody has! Again you have completely misconstrued the thread.

Sorry if I misunderstood it was 'Akin to if you have 3 best friends rather than one then the relationship with each is less intense.' that caught my eye I guess.

My relationship with each of my 3dc is as intense as if any one of them were my only child. I know that because my older dd was the only one for the first three years and our relationship is unchanged.

Podrick - my dd is on the up... still coughing and rivers of snot BUT better than before... and so am I. I really needed a good smile yesterday and this thread gave it to me. Thanks x

I am devestated that by celebrating having one child we have upset so many people and so much has been read into what we mean.

Saying "I love having an only" doesn't mean I think it is "The best" way to bring up a child or if I were to have more children I would not love them as much!

I have been wondering if we should abandon this thread - even ask mn to delete it if it is that offensive to others... and start another thread called "supporting each other to bring up one child". There we can balance the good side, the sheer loviliness of having one with the awful side and people who choose to lurk (lurking is part of mumsnet - I am not dissing lurking) can see the sheer terror some of us are editing out of this thread BECAUSE it was set up for celebrating just the good bits!!! To be a feel good thread!

I think if we have to do it, we have to do it, but my heart says "It seems so negative to delete a thread set up to say just nice things"!!! See, maybe I am alone here but I find "just nice things" rather well... urm... nice especially when we have a whole topic to discuss less rosy subjects to do with having one child!

Yes, it gets on my nerves that we are not able to share a list of positive things about our situation in life without being under fire for it from people in different situations. And why anyone should interpret some positive statements about only child families as an attack on their multi child families is beyond me and frankly depressing.

But it really has been nice to share some thoughts with other parents of only children, just a pain to keep fending off the random arrows.

Only child families do attract a lot of judgement and attack and I guess there is no sanctuary from this on mumsnet, whether we have our own topic or not .

It is a bit sad that whilst nothing negative has been said here about multiple child families I feel hounded off the thread by other posters here.

People have sworn at me and told me that I have insulted multi child families. This thread has been turned bad and I think you are right when you suggest to perhaps leave it alone now.

No please don't delete this thread, it's wonderful!! Let's just grit our teeth and ignore posters who want to stir up trouble. I've followed this thread for days, laughed myself silly, thought at random moments about Daisy's son and husband losing trousers and shoes (LOL!!) and wondered how T4's DD is doing... and glowed inside thinking of lovely phrases like "intoxicatingly delicious" and have GLORIED in my DS... I suppose if you deleted the thread we could start a new one called "what happened to the trousers and shoes and how is T4's DD" but regardless of how much I've wanted to smack certain posters who have been rude, I've learned so much on this thread, so please let's keep it!!
Sorry about the rambling... will be needing lots of coffee today... DH brought a cold home with him from his boys' birthday weekend away last week and last night DS started coughing... bit of a long night. But nothing compared to T4's DD's illness so I resolve not to feel too sorry for myself!
xxxxxxxxx

Yikes, hat, I didn't mean to say YOU were being rude, not at all... was talking about posters halfway along the thread... sorry sorry sorry!!!!

Please forgive hat??? Really wasn't talking about you.