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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

Celebrating one child families!

193 replies

Mulanmum · 14/10/2008 03:08

I know that a lot of families have one child through cricumstance rather than choice and I'm really pleased that we now have a topic where they can share their sadness and frustration. But to balance it I'd like to start a thread for those of us who have one child by choice and don't feel wistful, cheated or inadequate because we don't have a second, or third, or fourth ...

I belong to a forum for inter-country adopters and one member posted about a second child joining their family "now I feel we are a proper family. When it was just the three of us I felt we were a bit lame".

There was a fab thread in the Parenting section a while ago (anyone do a link?) where people were listing the advantages of having an only child. One member posted that she and her husband "glory" in their DS. I thought that was a lovely choice of word .

It's 3.10 in the morning so I don't really feel like glorying in anything just now but wanted to get this thread started and will add to it when I'm not shattered!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Jacksmama · 02/11/2008 16:04

Saw that thread, it is lovely!
Come join us on teafortwo's thread (a couple of posts up), we're being silly and need more people to come be silly with us!

MadBadandWieldingAnAxe · 02/11/2008 16:06

SmugColditz - I agree with all that you say, but (there's always a but) I do think that speaking generally there is a difference - which may be small and may be psychological but nevertheless is there - between having one's first child, knowing, trusting or believing that there will be more to follow, and having one's only child, knowing (as a few of us did) that there is no chance of any more. So although on one level it's obviously true when mums of more than one point out that they have spent some time as the mother of an only, on another level it isn't, because they haven't lived with the knowledge that their child is destined to be an only child.

It's a small point, I know, but I think it's quite important because what some of us have been posting about here is (or this is how I interpret it) about how to turn that knowledge into a positive rather than a negative thing.

SmugColditz · 02/11/2008 16:42

But My 1st child was raised as an only. He was going to be my only, I didn't want any more, I thought another baby would ruin his life. I thought it would change the relationship I had with him. And in hindsight, now I have ds2 I can see that I was wrong.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not for one second saying it is better to have more than one, because I don't think it is. But the fear of losing the 'special relationship', and the implied tone that mothers of two or more have therefore lost a 'special relationship' by selfishly continuing to pod brats against their first child's best interest isn't very realistic. It just isn't what happens. there are many reasons to limit your children to one, but loss of the relationship with your first child should be the ONLY reason, because it's not what happens.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 02/11/2008 17:34

Yes, in the pursuit of brevity I didn't mention that other scenario of having a child believing it to be one's only child and then going on to having more. Several of the new mothers I met at baby groups were adamant that their first child would be their last and have since gone one to have another baby, so it'd be interesting to dust off this thread in five years' time to see how many 'onlies' have turned out to be 'firsts'.

Is there a 'not' missing from that last sentence? Anyway, as for the 'special relationship', I think some of the apparent disagreement is actually about semantics. I am quite sure that all relationships between mothers and their children are special and unique, in all their varied and diverse ways, but there can be an exclusivity and intensity about relationships between mothers and only children which (I humbly suggest) probably couldn't exist in the same way if the child had a sibling. My friend who is a lone parent to one daughter can describe this better than I can - it's about all one's parenting energy being focussed on one child. As I've said before, I think that sort of intensity can be hard for both parent and child and I'm hoping that this topic may help answer some of the questions which it raises.

I very definitely don't think that mothers of two or more have been any more selfish than the rest of us in their choices - nobody has a child for purely altruistic reasons.

straycat · 02/11/2008 18:18

smug
parents of 2 or more children usually had an only for a few years first
but they usually have always intended to have more so its different.

straycat · 02/11/2008 18:21

appludes madbad.
spot on.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 02/11/2008 18:40

Gosh, straycat, I've never been applauded on MN before.

straycat · 02/11/2008 18:45

well i think you hit it bang on about how different it is when you have a baby if you see it as your only baby ever or your first.
the people that say oh i had an only for 5 years or whatever mostsly they have always planned more children so it simply isn't the same.

mabanana · 03/11/2008 00:41

what an odd thread this turned into. I have to say that with three kids you do get pulled in different directions and sometimes feel guilty that you can't give them your undivided attention. It is different. I can see that having just one can be easier, more relaxing and sometimes more fun because you don't feel that pull and the struggle to meet all needs.
One wasn't my choice, but I can see why other people like it so much, and why it has advantages.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 03/11/2008 14:08

mabanana - Yes, it did get a little weird at times. I think perhaps that people sometimes took exception to what they thought other people might have been saying, which wasn't necessarily the same as what they had actually said. But that isn't unique to this thread and we seem to have ended on a fairly harmonious (or at least even-tempered) note!

daisy99divine · 04/11/2008 11:37

Hello all
Mulanmum I didn't mean to misconstrue your original thread, sorry. What I was trying to say in the face of some advserse comments was that none of the mums on this thread were trying to suggest that other forms of parenting or other numbers of children were somehow wrong or inferior in any way

it was simply that as mums of onlys we were often subject to comments or suggestions (or perhaps sensitive inferences on our part) that our parenting choices (or non-choices) were somehow inferior!!

seems to have got confused on the way, but intentions are always good... now off to trousers and shoes since it's named after my own family!!

Podrick · 04/11/2008 18:12

and rofl about uniform fascinator

Now lets stop bothering to defend ourselves endlessly about stuff we have never said or even inferred and let's get back to celebrating...I feel as though I have gotten to know some extremely cool parents of one!

And Happy Birthday to Mulanmum's dd!

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/11/2008 18:39

Gee, thanks, podrick

Original poster

Mulanmum · 04/11/2008 20:24

No problem, daisy, things are just getting a bit weird on here aren't they

I agree with Pod let's get back to celebrating. And thanks, Pod, for the birthday wishes. DD announced today that she is 4 and a half - she got bored with being 4 awfully quickly

OP posts:

TheWheelsOnTheBusHaveFallenOff · 04/11/2008 20:29

hello again... I am going to continue celebrating having just the one here because I feel (caveat: I do not know!) that quite simply it must just make life easier sometimes ... ds is now in bed. end of bedtime. one child to bath, put into pjs, do stories and tuck up. job done. evening back to myself. lovely. ahhhhh big glass of wine coming my way.

being a lone parent I honestly do not know how I would cope with more than one child with just the one pair of hands.

Podrick · 05/11/2008 16:16

perhaps you would need a glass of wine in each hand when you have two

Happy 4 1/2 to Mulanmum's dd . I asked a little buy recently how old he was...his mum said "he was four yesterday" and he chimed in with "AND I'm four today!"

janeyd34 · 06/11/2008 21:03

Loving this lovely thread. There are so many advantages. My daughter can be taken literally anywhere she is so well behaved and I have a lot of time to just talk to her.
I know lots of one child families - some grown up and the grown ups all have great jobs! My fertility nurse and counsellor both have just the one and it really helps just hearing things like that. I say to myself, this is as good as it can get and it is quite good. I know i can cope if my ivf fails nest year.

Love

Shakespearssister · 08/11/2008 15:43

I am an only child and am currently ttc #1, which is planned to be an only. I've always loved being an only child! I grew up very independent and self-reliant. So I'm all for celebrating one child families

NellieKnott · 09/02/2009 00:42

Giving this thread a much-needed bump

TrulyMadBadandDeeply · 09/02/2009 11:54

Podrick · 24/03/2009 19:12

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 24/03/2009 20:27

So, Podrick, do you think that mothers-of-one are more attuned to the joys of spring? Or that mothers-of-one have naturally greater gymnastic abilities?

daisy99divine · 25/03/2009 11:52

There is no way I am turning cartwheels!

Podrick · 25/03/2009 18:07

MadBadandDangerousToKnow "So, Podrick, do you think that mothers-of-one are more attuned to the joys of spring? Or that mothers-of-one have naturally greater gymnastic abilities?"

Yes I intuitively feel this to be true but there is a lack of rigorous scientific proof as yet

MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 25/03/2009 22:53

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